Fusions That Should Never Be V

Full Metal Azumanga

(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)

Yes, folks, it�s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around 
a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place. 
Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do 
with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no 
greater premise than �Cause I think it�s neat.� Once again I shall 
highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least 
with more futility than usual.

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at

sommer@3rdm.net

All of my fics are stored at the following:

Larry F�s new address at:

http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/d_b_sommer/index.html

And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at

http://www.hostultra.com/~AngCobraFics/dbsommer.html

At fanfiction.net:

http://www.fanfiction.net/

Or R+C books at:

http://www.fanworks.org

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Minamo �Nyamo� Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing 
off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was 
Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn�t shown up for 
guard duty. For Yukari�s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else 
she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer 
hadn�t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her 
incompetence. But maybe Nyamo was an even bigger idiot for letting 
Yukari talk her into resigning her own commission with the army and 
joining up with this renegade alchemist. She just knew it was going to 
turn around and bite her in the ass, like all of Yukari�s other 
�brilliant ideas�. It was only a matter of time.

A sound caught Nyamo�s attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy 
circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning, 
sleepy-eyed Yukari trudged into the room.

�Morning� Yukari waved.

�It�s the middle of the afternoon!� Nyamo spat.

That accusation aroused Yukari�s irritation. �You know, that sort of 
mean attitude is exactly why I don�t wear a watch. You don�t see me 
snapping at people because they�re a little late, now do you.�

�That�s because no one is ever later than you,� Nyamo pointed out. 
�You�re going to get fired one of these days.�

�Ha! As if that�ll ever happen,� Yukari scoffed. �You�ve seen the boss�s 
other assistants. We�re the only remotely competent people around. He 
needs us.�

�I agree with everything but the �we� part regarding competence around 
here.�

Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. �Come on, lighten 
up. It�s not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the 
cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a �secret base�, emphasis 
on secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here, 
then they can�t attack it and we won�t be guarding it against anyone.�

Nyamo felt a headache coming on. �Don�t you think that since the boss 
felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual 
secrecy of the base?�

It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. �That�s your fault!

�How is it my fault?�

�You jinxed us with what you said!�

Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy sigil. She wanted to 
use it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and 
instead she pointed toward the cloud of dust kicked up by the exploding 
wall.

Yukari suddenly became serious as well. �All right, here�s what we�ll 
do. You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to it.�

Nyamo nodded. �Right. What will you be doing?�

Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the 
palm. �The most important task of all: getting reinforcements.� She 
turned and ran.

Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold 
the fort. She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway 
across the room. �That�s not the way to the lab! That�s the emergency 
escape door!�

�I�ll make sure its clear!� Yukari shouted as she threw open the door 
and bolted through it. She didn�t make it more than a step inside when 
she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She 
fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. �See? 
It�s not clear. Good thing I checked.�

Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall, 
merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she 
was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate 
that had curling ram�s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson 
glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.

While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the 
dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and 
walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red 
overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was visible 
in one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in 
conjunction with the movement, their light red color showing up as she 
walked into the light.

Nyamo drew back in horror. �Oh no! It�s the military�s infamous prodigy 
transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!�

Chiyo winced. �Would you mind not calling me that? I�m not that short.�

Yukari said, �You�re the shortest ten year old I�ve ever seen. You�d be 
short even for a midget.�

Chiyo�s face turned red as she trembled in anger.

Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the 
armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. �Then 
this must be the Chibi Alchemist�s partner, the most horrifying, 
fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, �Death 
Machine� Sakaki.�

The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. �Does 
this make me look less fearsome?� it asked hopefully.

�It makes you look worse!� Yukari screeched.

The armored figure�s shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of 
depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

Chiyo was quick to come to her partner�s defense. �Sakaki has never 
killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a 
fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our 
teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was 
intended to transmutation of the entire class. Things went out of 
control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out 
lives. The rest of our friends died.� Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

�Death Machine� Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a 
comforting hand on her shoulder.

That helped boost Chiyo�s morale. �Now Sakaki and I walk the lands, 
righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher�s Stone so I can give 
Sakaki back her body.�

Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet, to stand 
side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were 
confronting a child. One that couldn�t blow her up with a wave of the 
hand, to be specific. �Bah, you�re nothing more than a dog of the military.�

�Dog of the military?� Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the 
idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.

Yukari continued, �Oh ho, ho. I�m afraid you�ve bitten off more than you 
can chew, runt.�

Chiyo scowled at the insult.

Yukari paid no heed. �I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in 
fact. All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror. 
I once cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying. I left because I 
determined the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went 
freelance, where there�s real money to be made. And you think you can 
challenge me, one who could appropriately be called �The God of 
Alchemists�?�

Chiyo said, �You were known as the �Crash Dummy Alchemist.� Everyone ran 
away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you 
were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You 
were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer�s car with 
a tank, while he was still in it.�

�The gear shift was stuck,� Yukari defended.

Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. �Unlike my companion, I�m actually 
pretty good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I 
listened to some bad advice and quit.� She stared pointedly at Yukari. 
�But I�m still one of the best there is.� She pulled a coin from out of 
her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously 
snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a 
miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. �Now you 
see how I earned the title, �The Ice Maiden Alchemist�.�

Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering �Ice Maiden Alchemist,� 
several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo. 
�I�ve heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time.�

Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.

Chiyo continued. �But can you answer me something? What does Colonel 
Mustang mean when he says he was able to �melt the Ice Maiden by putting 
some fire inside her?� I overheard him saying that to some of the guys, 
but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said 
he�d tell me when I got older.�

Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off. �It�s 
not important.� Nyamo said quickly.

Chiyo added, �I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn�t answer. She 
just pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering 
something about human target practice.� Chiyo shuddered. �I don�t ask 
her questions anymore.�

�She is scary,� Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy 
for Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.

Chiyo cleared her throat. �In any case, I discovered rumors about a 
renegade alchemist trying to create the Philosopher�s Stone out here and 
I�ve come to put a stop to him, as well as look over his notes and see 
if they can help in my own research.�

�How did you find out about this place?� Yukari asked. �It�s supposed to 
be secret.�

�Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting 
about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade 
alchemist who was studying the Philosopher�s Stone.�

Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.

�What the hell are you looking at me for?!� Nyamo shouted, �You�re the 
one that goes out drinking every night!�

�Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,� Yukari said 
philosophically. �We have to stop these two.�

�Right.� Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.

Yukari nodded. �Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements.� 
Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to 
escape again.

It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began 
lowering itself down into the room. It stopped after it had descended 
about halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to 
look over into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a 
white lab jacket, surrounded by five figures that remained in the 
shadows. Light gleamed off the man�s glasses, as he looked down into the 
room.

Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. �It can�t be.�

The man said, �But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are 
reunited, daughter!�

Chiyo�s surprise turned to disgust. �You�re not my father. You�re my old 
high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.�

�That�s all right; you can still call me Daddy.�

�No way!�

Kimura clapped his hands in glee, �I see my plans are working. High 
School girls are already flocking to me for my treatment.�

�Actually they�re intruders that are here to stop you,� Nyamo explained.

�It doesn�t matter! High school girls are high school girls!� Kimura 
shouted.

Chiyo was teary-eyed. �Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to 
perform that forbidden experiment on the class?�

�For this reason!� Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward. 
They did so, stepping into the light.

�It can�t be,� Sakaki gasped.

�Our friends!� Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and 
even Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though 
they were ready to attend school. �I thought you were all dead! I saw 
you broken down into your material components and sucked through a portal.�

�They were,� Kimura informed her. �But I brought them back. Well, 
technically I recreated them, but it�s pretty much the same thing�

�How?�

�I made them homunculi.�

That caught Tomo�s attention. �Homunculi? I�m no homunculi.�

�Yes you are.�

�No I�m not,� Tomo insisted.

�Yes, you are. You all are.�

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. �The heck we 
are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin�s ever looked at another girl.�

Kaorin blushed furiously.

Chiyo laughed uneasily. �Actually, he means you�re artificial humans, 
and not real ones at all. It doesn�t mean you like girls.�

Osaka pondered that. �Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to 
change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?�

�Um, I don�t know,� Chiyo admitted.

Kimura continued. �And since I recreated them, I have renamed them after 
the seven sins. Behold Pride.� He pointed at Kagura.

Kagura scratched her head. �Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty 
proud of my athletic prowess.�

He pointed at Tomo. �Greed.�

Tomo scrunched her face at that. �I don�t want to be Greed. I want to be 
Pride.�

Kimura said, �You want to be Pride?�

�Yes.�

�Then you�re Envy.�

�What?! I said I wanna be Pride.�

�Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering from 
the sin of Envy.�

While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to 
Yomi. �This is Gluttony.�

�Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!� Yomi shouted.

Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. �This is Ditziness.�

�Ditziness isn�t a sin,� Chiyo pointed out.

�None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,� Kimura admitted.

�I could be Anger.� Osaka tried growling in anger, but it was closer to 
the growl one�s stomach made when hungry.

Kimura pointed to the last girl. �And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she 
lusts after me.�

�I do not!� Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.

Yomi snarled, �Yeah, that�s it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must 
have a big behind because she�s Gluttony.�

Tomo smirked at Yomi. �I�m envious of your ability to pack down food 
like an elephant.�

�Why you!� Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life, 
shouting out how envious she was of Yomi�s ability to run fast despite 
her large mass.�

�Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn�t it?� Chiyo asked 
Sakaki.

The armored could only nod in agreement.

Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, �Why did you try to transmute 
the class, and why try to create the Philosopher�s Stone?�

Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka�s attempts to punch him in anger by 
placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm�s length while she 
swung vainly away, said, �Because I need it to change the world.�

�How?� Chiyo insisted.

�Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size. 
But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is 
unacceptable. With the Philosopher�s Stone, I can freeze high school 
girls� age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.�

�That�s terrible,� Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any taller.

�That�s horrible,� Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped 
growing, she�d be the tallest one forever.

�That�s something I want in on,� Yukari insisted.

�Sorry, you�re too old,� Kimura told her,

The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. �Come 
on, we have to kick his ass!�

�He�s the one paying us!� Nyamo pointed out.

Yukari suddenly became shifty. �Oh, are you saying you want him to 
succeed? How easy do you think it�s going to be for us to get boyfriends 
when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage 
bodies?�

Nyamo�s look of anger now matched Yukari�s. �You�re right! We have to 
stop his abominable plan!�

Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions. 
�You must protect me.�

Yomi stopped running. �No can do, since I�m Gluttony, I must be too fat 
to help you out,� she venomously spat.

�And I�m too envious to help anybody,� Tomo added.

�I�m so proud of my abilities, I don�t need to use them to prove 
anything to anyone,� Kagura said.

�Don�t even think about it,� Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.

Osaka said. �I�ll help out.� Her latest attempt at anger made her look 
like she was constipated.

Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, �Is 
it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!�

There was a resounding chorus of ��Yes!� and he found himself buried 
under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[END FIC}

Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I 
like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and 
vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad 
ideas like this rest in peace.



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