Scott Ryan <froop@frooptech.net> wrote:

Pain. Pain was all Ranma could feel as he was brutally ripped from his 
peaceful sleep. His eyes sprung open before they glazed over from the 
pain.

Since this is obviously Ranma's POV, how is he aware of what his eyes look like?

Finally managing to focus his eyes some he looked down to see a wooden 

some, he

staff protruding from his chest, most likely piercing his lung and being 
the cause of the pain he was currently feeling.

That's an awfully blase way to describe it. Just mentioning that he was in pain
doesn't convey the feel of the pain to the reader.

Looking past the staff he noted that it was Cologne who was holding it 
with a grim expression marring her face that was normally filled with 
amused mirth and sometimes shock when he managed to surprise her. He 

Sentence is too long and convoluted, IMO. Also, "noted" makes it sound very
casual, which is a completely wrong connotation for what you obviously want
here.

�I am sorry Son-In� Ranma.� Cologne spoke as she realized that he was 
awake and looking up at her with eyes that spoke of pain and betrayal, 
perhaps even some questioning deep in those piercing blue eyes.

Is the shift to Cologne's POV here really necessary? It'll be easier for the
readers to empathize with Ranma if we can experience the entire scene through
his eyes alone.

�The tribe elders have decided that you have become far too strong to 
not become part of the tribe. They became frightened once they learned 
of your defeat of Saffron, frightened you had become to powerful to 

too powerful to

�I am truly sorry Ranma. I cannot go against the wishes of the Council 

sorry, Ranma.

"Ranma" here identifies who is spoken to, so it must be set off by a comma.
Otherwise it doesn't mean what you think it means.

RANMA: No, you are Cologne. You aren't sorry Ranma or any other kind of Ranma.

of Elders. For what it�s worth� My time here has been the most fun I 
have had in 250 years.�

It's generally better to write out numbers in words, unless they're very large.

I tend to agree with MacSpon, that I'm not sure what the point of this is. If
you can make the narration more vivid and center it more firmly on Ranma's POV
so that the reader can feel what he feels, then you might have something.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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