Subject: [FFML] Re: [Spamfic?][Re-do][R.5] To Stop a Demon
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 1/25/2005, 2:02 PM
To: StudioPC
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>


Quoting StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net>:

Author's note at the end, C&C, public or private, is welcome.

You asked for it....

Kasumi Tendo sighed as she rolled her sleeve down over the tattoo on
her forearm as the water gurgled down the sink. Almost mechanically,
she began to put away the clean dishes. It had been six months since
that bear, what was his name? Macgreagor? Had come to her and turned
her into . . . that . . . thing.

I'm not sure that this is the best way to introduce this development. Starting
slowly like you did is a good thing, IMO, but try to show, rather than tell,
how  this Kasumi is different from the usual one.

Seated on the porch, her father, his friend Genma, and Genma's son
Ranma watched as the man named Happosai instructed three young men in
the way of the anything goes school of martial arts.

The name of something specific should be capitalized: Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts.

While his faults were legion, Happosai was a master teacher and it
showed in that the three young men were giving him their undivided
attention.

Happosai's attention, on the other hand....

HAPPOSAI: Now, next move.... Say, is that Akane over there? Hotcha!

Makoto, Hikaru, and Mamoru.

If these are crossover characters, tag your fic as a crossover.

A trio of wandering Martial Artists.

Martial artists, on the other hand, is a general class rather than a specific
group, so don't capitalize it.

"Would you like some water, Grandfather?" Kasumi asked. "Its hot out."

It's
(use its to refer to something belonging to it, it's for contractions such as
"it is")

'And about him bound in chains and kneeling at your feet as you draw
pleasure from his tounge.'

I like this part. This is a better way to show Kasumi's state of mind, IMO, than
going through a lot of backstory.

The Creature, who called itself Bloodmaker, was a tall, pale skinned
woman with short black hair, lips painted black, and green eyes that
seemed to luminious to be real. She was beautiful, in the same way a

to -> too

For the longest time, she stood there, staring at the mirror and then
her internal clock chimed. 'I need to go to the market,' she thought to
herself and exited the bathroom, retrieved her bag, the shopping list
and money from the safe in her father's office. 'I must make dinner.'

list, and
(when listing three or more items, put commas after each except the last)

Kasumi was generally believed to be oblivious to the general going ons

goings-on

The Tendo house was charred, scorch marks were decorated  and then in
the distance, she saw a narrow plume of smoke rising into the airacross

air across

'Listen to me, Kasumi, your Koban can do nothing."

"Then they will summon the self-defense force."

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: What seems to be the trouble, ma'am?

KASUMI: Well, there's this terrible creature attacking Nerima, and....

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: I'm sorry, we can't help you.

KASUMI: Why not?

SELF-DEFENSE FORCE: Because this creature hasn't attacked *us*. We're the
Self-Defense Force. We're only allowed to fight when we personally are
attacked. Obviously you should've called the Defense-of-Others force.

'I will not. I give you my word, Kasumi. I will return this body to
your form when the demon is dead and not one second longer. I swear
this upoun my honor.' The Creature's voice was empty of any her usual

upon

Kasumi grabbed her arm. "Oath of Blood." Under her palm, the tatoo
became white-hot and then the world faded away in a white haze.  ld
faded away in a white haze.

Editing error here.

Inside, she saw the demon. It was short, with pale yellow fur and evil
black eyes. It's markings make it look cute, but there was nothing

Its markings

Had it been a movie, this instance before woman and demon began their
battle might have been enhanced with some music, something
soul-stirring. But instead there was only a chorus of voices saying the
same thing over and over again.

"Pikachu, pikachu, pikachu . . ."

Um... what the...?

I have to say that that was a pretty disappointing ending. Kasumi's internal
conflict was actually pretty interesting; this bit undermines it for a joke
ending that really isn't all that funny in my opinion.

I guess my advice would be to decide where you want to go with this. Option one
would be to keep the serious aspects, give it a satisfying ending and maybe
flesh out the drama by showing more of what's just implied right now. Option
two would be to keep the joke ending and cut out any of the serious stuff that
isn't necessary to build up to it. I know which of these I'd rather see, but
it's your fic. Also, if you're going to go the comedy route, show us why you
think the ending is funny. What absurdities follow from the idea of a
powered-up Kasumi fighting a gigantic killer Pokemon?

Disclaimer: Ranma is owned by Viz Video, Pokemon by 4Kids
Entertainment.

Er... no. Ranma is owned by Rumiko Takahashi (or Shogakukan if you insist on
crediting a corporation rather than a human being). Viz Video is the North
American distributor for the TV/movie/video adaptations; they no more own Ranma
than Geocities owns your fanfics.

-Steve "Komodo" T.
http://www.geocities.com/studio_pc_hub/


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