I wish subsection titles were identified better. Maybe place a couple of
asterisks around them?

 

$Yeah, I'll set them aside better.

     "And I'm not talking to you any more," Tomo added as she
stalked away, full of wounded prided.
   

Typo - "pride".

 

$Heh, good catch.

     "Hey, guess who's parents just bought them a new computer
so they could turn out homework just as good as Yomi's!" Tomo
yelled as she burst into the room of first period.
   

"Them" or "her"? Not being a native speaker, I cannot tell.

 

$I doubt Tomo would have it right, anyway.  I'm a lot less careful about 
grammar when its dialogue, because most people get it wrong out loud 
anyway.  Who's/whose was certainly a mistake, though.

     "Ah hah, I uh, I also got a copy of Counterstrike last
night and I was so busy playing it I forgot to do my homework,"
Tomo said sheepishly.  "I got fragged so many times by this guy
with a rocket launcher...."
   

"Sheepishly"? So not Tomo.

 

$Mmm.  Point.

left her fingers a couple of inches too short to reach the box.
   

Which would be about 5cm in Japan.

 

$Granted, but I feel awkward using the metric system.

     Drawn by the action, Kaorin came by and picked up a copy. 
"Hello Kitty?" she said out loud.  These kind of look like the
ones Miss Sakaki was wearing, she thought, glancing at the tall
girl.
   

Very remote resemblance, because Hello Kitty is anthropomorphic, whereas
the kitty at Sakaki's panties isn't. But I suppose it works.

 

$I could change it to 'reminds'.  Which is really the point.

     Sakaki continued to stare at the panties expressionlessly. 
She didn't know they made any with days of the week on them.
   

It's strange that she's so ignorant. Remember her shopping for
a present? Obviously she visits stores. It's not a big deal, but
curious.
 

$That kind of panties are usually more of a little girl sort of thing, 
which is why it's so odd Yukari would have them.  Sakaki is too old, and 
her parents might not have ever bought her those sort.

     Yukari instantly recognized her own very characteristic
panties, and panicked as she felt the fear and embarrassment
creep up in her throat.  "It's not what it looks like!  I haven't
worn those in years, but my laundromat has been closed for a week
and I haven't had a chance to make it to another one!  They were
my last pair!"
   

Good plotting. But I'm curious what the resolution was.

 

$Eh, vaguely, Yukari got yelled at by the principal behind the scenes.  
The true resolution won't be for a while yet.

     Chiyo waved goodbye as their group splintered as people
   

"Scattered" would sound better, IMHO.

 

$True, splintered has a certain finality to it.

     "That's interesting."  Tomo stared at the last one
impassively.
   

Sakaki's word is reused here. How about "calmly".

 

$I like impassive.  It's more intelligent than 'blank'.

Overall, good work. I liked how pieces were engaged together. For example,
Kaorin's computer comes into play much later than we know about it first.
The general plotting was solid, I enjoy that.

 

$Thanks.  The comments were certainly appreciated, and thought 
provoking.  I started this with a few vague ideas about introducing male 
dynamics, but mostly I just like doing azumanga style funnies.  So long 
as people keep enjoying them, (and I keep getting ideas), I'll keep 
doing them.  Next time I release some, though, my spelling and grammar 
editing will be a lot better.  Thanks for taking the time!

-Nugar





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