Bit more time on my hands right now, and I haven't done enough C&Cing 
lately.
Time to get at it!

I enjoyed reading this one a lot.

Nugar wrote:

     Osaka walks up wearing her school uniform and a coolie hat
with a pair of kitty ears sticking out the top.  "Azumanga
fanfics!" she cries.
 

Good opening!  Seems very Osaka to me.

     "This is a series of similarly themed vignettes with little
in the way of continuing plot and no unified title," Chiyo-chan
adds.

     "Oooh, oooh, and they're written by Nugar!" Tomo adds,
jumping up and down in excitement.

     "Email the author at nugar@tds.net with any comments,"
Sakaki says quietly.  "And visit
http://www.livejournal.com/users/nugarwrites/  for updates and
new parts."
 

...updates, new parts, and cute cat pictures."

     "Don't forget, all Azumanga Daioh characters are owned by
Kiyohiko Azuma, Genco, J.C. Staff, and ADV Films.  This is
strictly a nonprofit work only," Yomi warns.

     "Yukari as she walks by waving her hammer and sickle,
dressed in thick felt boots, a heavy overcoat, and a fur hat,"
says 'In communist Russia, titles say you.'
 

I find I am inclined to agree that this last bit just doesn't work.

     Sexy.
 

I suggest removing the tab in front of the vignette titles, to make it a bit
more obvious that they ARE titles.  I didn't figure it out until 
half-way through
the third vignette.

     Her jaw dropped as she saw Yukari undressing the mannequin
and keeping an irate store clerk away with one foot.
 

Heh.  This works for readers who can picture it well, I think (readers 
like me, who've
read the manga too many times to count).

     "Twenty thousand yen?!" Yukari screeched as she waved the
dress in front of the cashier's face.     "No way!"
 

I agree that this seems too low for the dress described.  On the other 
hand, it does seem
about the right amount for Yukari to react this way but for Nyamo to 
still be willing
to buy the dress.  One thing you might consider is describing the store 
they're in a
little bit more in the first vignette, or specifying that the dress is 
made of a cheaper
material.

     A thought occurred to her as she stepped out the exit into
the mall proper, and she stuck her head back in.  "Hey, Minamo,
where do you want to meet back-  The dress!" she cried as she saw
her friend rather guiltily paying for it at the cash register.
 

This is funny, but I find I agree that it doesn't quite seem like Nyamo 
to do this.  Why
sneak around?  Nyamo can stand up to Yukari when it's important:  Nyamo 
did buy
a car, but never (as far as we know) let Yukari drive it.

(BTW, why is Yukari calling the latter 'Minamo' instead of 'Nyamo' when 
they're out
shopping together?)

     Chiyo blinked.  She'd never thought of that.  "I'm not sure,
I mean, maybe we should ask Miss Yukari."

     "I did," Osaka replied.  "But she hit me with a book and
told me not to poke holes in that ridiculous language."
 

heh.  While this reaction is funny, I'm inclined to agree that it is not 
quite IC for Yukari.
The one thing she DOES take pride in is her ability with English, which 
is characterized
as well above average (I think) for Japanese high school English 
teachers, particularly
in speaking it.

     "Oh.  Well, Yomi is pretty good at English, maybe she'd
know."
 

The problem with this is that Chiyo is better than "pretty good"; we're 
given to understand
that she either is or is close to fluent.  She knows perfectly well that 
she's much better
at English than Yomi.

     "Mine did!" Chiyo replied brightly.  "Right after I took
that computer class!"
 

The obligatory line:  none of the older girls can ever go ANYWHERE, do 
ANYTHING,
or acquire ANYTHING without Chiyo-chan having gone, done, or acquired first.

     "No, I mean, what processor and speed?  Pentium four, 2.8? 
AMD 3200 plus?" Chiyo clarified, looking up at Tomo.

     "It came with a CD full of cute animal pictures," Tomo
added smugly.

     "!" said Sakaki.
 

Heh.

     "Hmm," Yomi said, her smile growing as a thought played out
in her head of Tomo walking along with a plasma rifle, oblivious
as she snuck up behind her with a BFG.

     SPLORCH.

     "What server do you play on?" Yomi asked as Tomo was about
to walk away with her homework.
 

Yomi really ought to know by now that this wouldn't work...

Ooh!" she exclaimed.  "Wouldn't that make a cute fairytale? 
Hansel and Stencil, the story of a young boy and a stencil, lost
while painting signs to a witch's bakery in the woods!"

     Sakaki tried to imagine that, but failed.
 

Heh.

     Tomo did a little happy dance.  "It means she's not a l33t
h4xx0r like me, and I wasted her like the n00b she is last night
in Cstrike!" she exclaimed, shortly before Yomi decked her.
 

Just so you know, not EVERY member of your readership knows enough of this
lingo to enjoy sections like this.  This stuff tends to just annoy me.

     "Touga, I need you to run an errand for me," the school
secretary said.
 

Touga shook out his long, flowing red hair and glared at the school 
secretary, making
the most of the visual impact of his immactulate white uniform.
"You deign to issue orders to the Student Council President?!"

Seriously, your choice of a name here did take me aback momentarily.  
I'd try to
avoid using well-known anime names from other series for walk-on bit 
parts if you
can:  you can end up distracting readers when you don't want to, or 
making them
read things into your work you never intended.  Doing this as a 
conscious cameo is
one thing, but you don't seem to have been doing that.  My mind, 
however, insists
on trying to read this as a cameo, and just keeps tying itself into 
knots doing so.

Of course, it is a trap difficult to avoid if you've never seen the 
anime in question.

    
     Chiyo blushed and turned hers over.
 

I'm inclined to agree that this seems out of character for Chiyo-chan.  
She's more often
characterized as clueless than embarrassed in such situations.

As for the other girls here, I find that I have no quibbles at all about 
Sakaki's or
Kaorin's reaction.  The other four (Yomi, Tomo, Osaka, and Kagura) are 
not reacting
quite the way I'd have them do if I were writing the story myself, but I 
find I can't
really articulate any justifications for them actually being OOC.  The 
first time through,
as a reader, I just went with it; it's only this second time, as a 
critic, that I find myself
pausing and wondering.  Oh well, good enough, I guess.

     "I can't believe those boys were passing these out!" Yomi
says, scandalized, looking at her copy as they all walked down
the hall to their next class.
 

Lurker is right that the girls don't "walk down the hall to their next 
class" except for
PE, or similar topics like home-ec, but this point didn't really hit me 
over the head
the first time through.  I didn't really even register "to their next 
class", as it's not
really required to get your point across.  So you might just consider 
taking that
phrase out.

     "Umm, we think it's a teacher," he said helplessly.

     "I see.  Why?"
    
     "Umm, the stationary, ma'am."

     "Ah."  Minamo digested this in silence for a moment, then,
improbably, her eyebrow rose higher.  "You were looking at the
stationary?"
 

It strikes me that Nyamo would know Yukari well enough to at least 
suspect this
being the latter's posterior here, given the "teacher" clue.  She knows 
Yukari might
well wear the wrong day's panties, and she is highly likely to know that 
Yukari owns
panties like these if the latter has really had them for years.  Yukari 
stays over at
Nyamo's place fairly often in the latter half of the series, and in the 
earlier half, Nyamo
goes over to Yukari's and ends up dragging her out of bed.

     "Who knew there was a teacher at this school as crazy as I
am?" Tomo said with a chuckle.

     "I did."

     "I did."

     "I did."

     "I did."
 

Heh.  Tomo's line here echoes where I thought her characterization just 
a bit off
earlier, too.  I thought Tomo might claim to the boys that a photocopy 
of her
posterior would be much cuter than the one they were looking at, but 
that none of
the boys would ever have a chance to see it.

     "Who?  No one could be as wild as I am!" Tomo insisted.

     "Yukari."

     "Yukari."

     "Yukari."

     "Yukari."

     "Yukari."

     Yukari, Sakaki thought.
 

While I didn't think the echoes themselves out of place, the count being 
different
between the first and second times did hit me.  Suggest you make the counts
the same.

Sakaki was a quiet, yet comforting presence.  She'd make a great
teacher or social worker, but Chiyo had never figured out a good
way of telling her that.
 

Not sure if you're trying to say something about Chiyo-chan here, but if
so it escapes me.  Sakaki actually wouldn't be very good at either of those
professions, I think; she's not talkative enough or easy enough to 
confide in
to be a good social worker:  how would she ever find out the nasty family
secrets that might necessitate intervention?  While this would not be quite
such a handicap as a teacher, I still don't think she'd make a good 
one.  Her
own eventual choice, veterinarian, makes much more sense (provided, of 
course,
that she's willing to accept the consequences of handling cats!  ;)

Tomo had played for a while, but it just wasn't the same.  Now,
despite the wondrous things available to do on a computer, things
she had elaborated on in great detail to her parents, she was
bored.
 

Ain't it the truth!

Anyway, I find I mostly dwelled on characterization quibbles above, 
which gives
my overall feedback a negative tone which I don't really feel about the 
story as a
whole; I enjoyed your work very much, and hope you'll continue in this line.




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