"Christian Clark" <twh@operamail.com> writes:
Innocent Corruption
(Note: Takes place at the end of Ocarina of Time. Spoiler Warnings
apply.)
Giving feedback for yet another fic I've no background for. Yay!
Breathing heavily, the young man who wielded the Master Sword rested
upon his weapon and felt relieved that the battle was over.
He had traversed through many dungeons, seven years back and forth
through time, and a horrid mockery of his home, to come to this end.
This sentence is made a bit awkward by the 'seven years back and
forth' part; it complicates the distributive property of the /through/.
He felt a hand reach upon his shoulder and he turned to see Princess
Zelda, now older since he last saw her as a child. She appeared quite
aged instead of 'now older' works better, I think, or maybe just drop
the 'now'.
"It was my insistence that lead you to open the gates of time and to
led
the Sacred Realm. So, it is my fault that Ganondorf was able to
acquire the Triforce of Power."
"But you did the best you could."
"Besides," chirped a small voice that emerged from the small light
that flew out from Link's hat, "no one's perfect."
She smiled sadly, "Yes, but just think of how many innocent people
died because of my actions. All because of the greed of one man."
Link nor his fairy companion could say nothing to that.
'Neither Link', I think
"You know, Link. It was fortunate that the Triforce got divided into
three pieces instead of one.
I hate it when things get divided into one piece.
Surprised, he answered, "really? Why?"
Really
Should that be answered or asked?
"Oh!" Navi piped suddenly, "Thanks for all the help, your highness."
Highness
In an instant, the clear blue sky, which had surrounded her, vanished
sky which had
and reverted to the desolate waste that was the remnants of
Ganondorf's castle. In the center of the ruins, the king of the Gerudo
lay on the ground, bound by glowing chains with his arms forced to
stretch forth from his body.
A bit awkward at the last.
She stood up and walked several paces behind the chained Ganondorf and
all he could hear was her footsteps and the sound of stone rubble
suggest cutting the 'and', and making that two sentences.
Zelda raised an eyebrow in surprise, the first movement her unmasked
personality had shown, "Considering how you are chained and bound,
shown.
Ganondorf could not help but wonder what few choice words could
'what few choice words' ? Not sure what that is
Zelda replied dispassionately, "Not directly. I could never stand up
against his strength. So, I created a slow acting, yet powerful
disease to circumvent his natural defenses. Oh, he could have found a
way to cure himself of the disease, I would have preferred that, in
fact. However, his choice to search for his friend had resulted in a
few years of sickness and his inevitable death."
Is this something in canon, or did I miss something in the story? Was
Navi separated from Link by Zelda's spell?
"For his last act of loyalty to Hyrule, he gave his piece to me during
Suggest 'As' instead of 'For'
I don't fully get why Zelda denied Link's offer of the triforce before
sending him back, and then immediately revealed that she wanted all of
the triforce. If she could have collected all of them before revealing
her 'true self', would Link have been able to change his mind and
challenge her? Or was it simply that she had laid her plans 7 yearse
in the past and was stuck in a time loop?
Despite that lack of my completely understanding, this seemed a nice
'secret faces' fic. I think I can tell it was written earlier than
some of your other works, but it has some of that nice nostalgia at
the end which I think flavors a fic so well.