Pete Zaitcev wrote:

Welcome back, DB.

Not much was to suggest, everything was great until about this paragraph:

[...]
Tomo was the first to say what everyone was thinking. "Wow! She really

is

related to Mrs. Kimura. Only someone as messed up as her could marry
something like him."

The others nodded in agreement.

I think the ending was not intense enough. Whole thing kind of wimpered
here, IMHO. But stupidly, I cannot express the problem in words. I checked
how it looked in other of your oneshots:

Yeah, it's not as good a punchline to end on as some, but I felt that was
where it had to end and it was the best I could come up with. I didn't think
Carnivales was all that strong either, but it's hard to force comedy.
Overall I'm satisfied with it.


DB Sommer



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