I liked this chapter better than the first one. There's a definite improvement, I believe.

RaeMowse@aol.com wrote:

She glanced over her shoulder, a pin between her seasoned fingers as she 
straightened out her latest quarry. "Oh, my, no, Ranma.  Not since they left a 
little while ago."

I know I said your prose was hammy in the last chapter... but there are times when this 'hamminess' fits. For example, your high-handed language clearly illustrates Kasumi's present disposition.

"...tell me what?"  He did not like the way the conversation was going.

Suggest: "Tell me what?" (unnecessary ellipsis)

"Last night, Auntie and Mr. Saotome had decided to return to their home and 
stay out of your and Nabiki's new life for the time being."

Again, simpler dialogue.

Suggest: "Last night, Auntie and Mr. Saotome decided to return home..."

or "Last night, Auntie and Mr. Saotome decided to go home..."

His eyes widened. "They just up and left me here?"

"It was decided that since you and Nabiki were now married, and you would 
inherit the dojo, it would be best to let you remain here and get adjusted to 
your new life without them interfering in yours and Nabiki's fun."

Tsk, tsk. Looks like they were really impressed by Ranma and Nabiki's performance last night.

He blanched at the idea of him and Nabiki having "fun" in the way they 
probably meant.  It would be a cold day in hell before he let himself get tangled in 
her bed sheets.

It's more common in fanfic than you think, Ranma.

For as long as he had been living in the Tendos' home,

Suggest: Tendo home (use the name Tendo as an adjective instead)

He went with instincts and backed away from the door.  Turning on his heel, 
he trudged to his room.  His hand reached for the door knob,

It's 'doorknob', I believe.

Soun clapped Ranma on both shoulders, chuckling heartily.  "You're now a 
married man, son.  It wouldn't do to sleep away from your wife, unless you've done 
something wrong, and she puts you out on the couch."  He laughed, wrapping 
his arm around Ranma's shoulders, then suddenly jerked him in tightly around the 
neck.  The Saotome heir blinked in surprise, then

and then 

noted the grave smile that 

the patriarch brooked him.

"Of course, you won't do anything wrong with my daughter, will you, son?"  
His expression intensified, the well developed arm growing taunt around the 
young man's neck.

Heh. Complicated situation, ain't it? And, when you think about it, it's a good thing that SOun's infamous demon head didn't pop up here. Funnier that way, and more apt.

Though the mock chokehold was irritating, the expression was what made Ranma 
afraid to resist the hold.  "N-no, of course not, Mr. Tendo."

And like spring rain, Soun was beaming a sunny smile again.  "No need to be 
so formal, son.  We're related now."

"Um, okay... Father."

"That's the spirit!" Soun clapped Ranma on the shoulders once again.

Too bad the Saotome son looked more like he was haunted by mournful ghosts.

suggest: ...more like mournful ghosts haunted him. (so it won't be in passive voice)

"Think I'm in paradise here?" He glared back at her from his side of the 
room, unfolding the quilt and laying it down on the straw-crafted bed.  He 
couldn't help but wonder why on earth did Nabiki wear cutoff shorts that short in the 
first place.

So do I.

She absently pushed up the sleeve of her sweat shirt.

A tic began dancing a jig underneath his eye, his fingers flexing rapidly, 
making small, sharp cracking sounds.  For a moment, Nabiki wondered if that last 
comment was just a little too much.  The she frowned to herself.  That kind 
of thinking is what got me in this mess in the first place.  

Uh, no Nabiki... it's the kind of thinking where you underestimate Ranma is the kind of thinking that got you into this.

He really won't 

harm me... 

_That_ kind of thinking, Nabs, is what you should be avoiding. 

This time his knuckles sounded like he was breaking walnuts barehanded.  
Again, Nabiki wondered if that comment was just a little too much. A search for 
the voice of reassurance that was there a second ago discovered it cowering in a 
corner of her mind.

The last sentence was awkward. I suggest revising it. It's mainly the 'discovered' part that sounds off.

"A fine time to be mentioning that.  Are you going somewhere with this line, 
or are you just wanting to get in my bed again?"

or do you just want to get in my bed again?

He glared at her.  "Like hell.  I'd sooner have sex with Kuno as a guy before 
I'd ever want back in your bed again."

(wince) So you're willing to have sex with Kuno as a girl? Ewww.

"Hmm... Claim you are gay... That could work."

He scowled.  "Forget it;

Suggest using an exclamation point or a period. Semi-colon abuse.

"Well, she just said that... that my 'wife' needs me now.  No Nabiki, no 
sister... just 'wife.'"  He slumped down on his bedroll, his features arrested.

The quietude

Quietude? :P My, my... you do have the penchant for thesaurus.

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief.  That battle with Nabiki was more exhausting 
that his learning the Hiryu Shoten Ha or Kachu Tenshin Amagurikin.

Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken

The rest of the ethereal dream vanished the longer she remained awake.  She 
didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse in disguise.  However it measured 
up, Nabiki knew that today was not going to be an easy day.  First day back to 
school since she and Ranma were married, and she dreaded the inevitable 
questions that would occur.

Strange that Nabiki's not dreaming of yen notes. (shrug)

No, scratch that, she was more afraid of her reactions to them.  Yesterday 
had shaken her world nearly to its foundations, and the flood of tears did 
little to clean up the mess left behind in the assault.  And something the middle 
Tendo - correction, married Saotome until she could come up with something - 
knew, if nothing else, was that she did not want to relieve

relive

those moments 

anytime soon.

"Akane had already left for school early this morning.  Nabiki may be still 

Suggest: may still be

"I had wanted to leave for school early enough to talk to our classmates 
about our marriage so we aren't late."

Now Ranma looked at her as if she had sprouted a blue tentacle for an arm.  
"Are you feeling well, Nabiki?"

"Never better since you walked into my life.  Please finish eating, dear."

^_^ I like the subtlety.

"I... think I'm done for now..." The Saotome son thanked Kasumi, who it turn 
supplied both him and Nabiki their lunches.  He was convinced it was going to 
be his last meal, at that.

Suggest you get rid of that extraneous "at that" thingy

Nabiki, happy to be married to him?  Calling him 

dear?  Surrendering to-

"I can't believe you actually fell for that load of shit."

I can.

"You're no fun in your old age.  Whatever happened to that spark we had on 
our wedding night?"

That loaded statement should hurt both sides. 

He crossed his arms.  "Can't wait to hear this."

"This is all part of a plan to get Akane to admit her true feelings."

Genius, except it's next to impossible in the manga save for times of great need and the reversal jewel.

His head snapped around to look at her profile.

Nabiki is a friendster addict.

"Just like the movies," she said, smiling.  "Man and woman are married.  
Enter old flame, whom man still has feelings for.  Unhappiness with his current 
life,

If you meant 'wife' instead of 'life', change it. If you intended it this way, ignore comment.

Ranma gulped, throwing up his hands.  "Hey, hey, now... no need to get 
vicious.  I was just saying you're like the last person I'd ever thought would be 
talking that soap opera junk other girls at school get obsessed with."

She seemed to consider what he said.  "Well, now you know better.  So, just 
try to look a little miserable, and we should be more than convincing.

"You mean I don't look miserable enough?"

XD

At School

Suggest: Not putting this here. You don't need 'em.

"Wait a sec," Nabiki said, stopping just at the gates of Furinken High School.

People usually spell it, "Furinkan High School."

She could tell he was serious about his statement.  Despite herself, she did 
feel somewhat moved by that kind of determination.  She shook her head, 
dissolving those thoughts.  "All right."  She then smirked a little.  "But if you 
get me killed, consider yourself divorced."

Awww. This is as close to WAFF as Nabiki could get.

Just as they reached the front doors, one swung open partly, and two 
pineapples were tossed out, both heading straight for the two.

"What the?"  The married man

Hmmm. Dunno, but you're using this too often... 'The married man', 'the married Tendo', 'the Saotome wife'... It's technically correct, but it just sounds awkward to me. Might I suggest pronouns to replace the character names or simply just repeating the character names after each paragraph?

Nabiki was wide-eyed in disbelief.  "Ranma!"

He didn't have the time to drop his mistaken bride.

Who's mistaken? The bride or him? (i.e. what's with that adjective?)

Tightening his grip on 

her, the martial artist twisted his body around on the ball of his foot, 
angling a kick to smash one Hawaiian delight into the other that was lagging a 
little behind.  With luck, the resulting explosion would be at his back, keeping 
her safely in front of him while he dealt with the damage.

Nabiki should realize that she should avoid the 'hero' syndrome Ranma tends to get from time to time if she wants a divorce. One of the major foundations of Ranma-Akane is the fact that Ranma gets his hero fix with Akane most of the time, contrived as it may be.

Fortunately, the pineapples didn't explode as he figured.  Instead, they made 
a hollow bursting sound, like someone jabbing a needle through a balloon, but 
deeper.  Immediately, it started raining motley confetti and streamers.  Then 
there were a series of cap gun-like poppings in random intervals, and a 
series of shouts.

Nitpick: Overuse of the word, "series". Suggest replacing the second one with "a string of..." etc. 

Non-nitpick: Also, there's no such word as 'poppings' (as far as MS Word is concerned).
  

"Congratulations, Ranma and Nabiki!"

"Huh?"  Both of them looked at the school doors, where a throng of people 
streamed out into the courtyard, waving banners, yanking on various party 
poppers, and generally having a good time.  Students, teachers, even the principal 
(strumming a ukulele) were out there, celebrating.

Suggest: even the principal, who was a ukulele, were out there, celebrating.

"Congratulations?" they said as one, looking at each other.

"On your wedding guys!" one  student shouted.

one student (there was too much space between the words 'one' and 'student')

The small celebration washed over the couple for which it was held in honor 
like a phantom wave, both wide-eyed in disbelief.

Suggest: The small celebration washed over the couple like a phantom wave, leaving them both wide-eyed in disbelief.

Their peepers grew more, if 
it was possible,

I said it before in an earlier C&C, and I'll say it again here. It sounds strange to me that your narrative uses both formal and informal words at the same paragraph. Don't mix them up.

If you're going for formal speech, stick to formal speech. If you're going to use informal speech, use informal speech... but I'd highly suggest sticking to formal speech, because 'peepers' are usually reserved for character speech.

Her smiling sadly holding her own set of unfired party poppers, on the other

Suggest: Her smiling sadly while holding...
 

hand, sent up all kinds of alarms and warnings.

"I hope you didn't mind me setting this up, Nabiki," she said.  "Kasumi 
thought it might help me work through this if I were to assemble a small 
celebration."

(shrugs) While 'peepers' was a bit on the 'informal' side for narrative, the later parts of Akane's sentence are a bit too high-handed for character speech, IMO. Might I suggest something simpler, like:

"Kasumi thought it might help me work through this if I put together this little 'congratulations' party for you and Ranma."

The married man had none of the grace his new "wife" demonstrated a second 
ago.  Instead, his mind went into Automatic Response Mode while the rest of him 
dealt with the shock surging through his body.  "...uh, yeah... 'course... 
ah..."

Akane straightened up, herself on the brink of tears.  "Thank you," she 
whispered, then pulling the strings on each party popper taunt, firing them off, 
one on either side of her.  "And congratulations."

Great drama here. I'd say this was the climax of the chapter... doncha agree? :)

Ranma remained immobile.  Nabiki, on the other hand, fainted dead away.

In the Nurse's Office

Usually, people simple put in '***' or some similar type of scene break thingy so that they could shift scenes and stuff, but using these things too much can be annoying to some people (though I couldn't fathom why). In any case, might I suggest a scene break instead of a comic bookish "In the Nurse's Office"/"In the Tendo Dojo"/"In whatever setting and time"/etc.

He met her eyes with the same resentment she displayed, then went into a 
cuteness act.  "'Hey, Ranma, let's get married tomorrow! Tee hee!'"  Cuteness 
dropped, he then glared fiercely at her before turning away.  "Cry me a river."

These statements are the things that make this fic so much like the Viz dub.

That, and "Curse those evil octopi."

"Good idea."  She kicked her foot up, catching the bottom of the cup in his 
hands.  Water splashed up, drenching her "husband," and triggering the Jusenkyo 
curse.

The newly made girl sputtered.  "What the hell what that for?"

David Anderson: It's because Nabiki is evil. Naraku-evil.

Nabiki said nothing, only slid off the table, picked up her bag and headed 
out the door, leaving a wet guy-turned-girl to fume at her back.

Suggest: Nabiki said nothing as she slid off the table, picked her bag and headed straight for the door, leaving a wet guy-turned-girl to fume at her back.

"Damn her," Ranma swore, then starting to get up.

Suggest: "Damn her," Ranma swore, then started to get up.

	   "Damn her," Ranma swore as he started to get up.

	   "Damn her," Ranma swore. He then started to get up.

"Ranchan?"

He froze in his spot, only his eyes daring to turn in the direction of the 
familiar (but secretly dreaded) voice.

Suggest: familiar but secretly dreaded voice. (no need for the parentheses)

He saw her standing in the doorway, 

wearing the same boy's uniform that she chose for attending Furinken High School, 

Suggest: wearing the same boy's uniform he chose for attending Furinkan High School, (again, it's 'Furinkan', and suggest getting rid of the extraneous 'that')

The desperate tone of her voice grabbed his heart and wrenched it out of 
place, squeezing it tightly in its vise grip.

Zen: (snifflies) Zen likes. Poor Ukyo.

He couldn't find the strength to 

put Nabiki's plan into action.  "Y... yeah.  But I can explain--"

He never got the chance to get any further.  Ukyo's fist stuck him squarely 
in the jaw, ripping his lithe girl body off his feet.  He spiraled for a 
second, only to have his flight abruptly halted by the examination table.  His body 

Ukyo fanboy: Boo! OOC! Akane's not beating Ranma within an inch of his life and Ukyo is? You got it mixed up, author!

:P

folded over the top like it was a pile of soggy noodles, only to discover it 
couldn't stick to the surface like cooked pastry.  Expectantly, he slid off the 
table, and fell into a pile on the floor beside it, moaning painfully.

The last thing he could remember was seeing a miserable Ukyo barreling out of 
the office, her sobs lingering along with the only other thing she said.

"You Jackass...!"

Rabid manga fan: You'd rather replace "ahou" with "Jackass"? Ahou's shorter. Use that.

Again, eerily Viz-dub-like. It's not a bad thing, I just wanted to point it out. ^-^;

'She's going to pay for this.  I don't know how she knew what I was up to, 
but she's going to pay for this dearly...'

I dunno about you, but this is _at least_ the third time I've seen Kasumi one-up Nabiki in fanfiction. Looks like a fanon convention is born.

Nabiki perked an eyebrow.  "What are you doing, Kuno-baby?"

"Praying for your soul.  May the gods honor your noble sacrifice, Nabiki 
Saotome.  I shall never forget what you've done to dissuade the black magicks that 
Saotome cur has inflicted upon the beauteous tigress Akane."  Quietly, he 
shed his tears.  "Truly, I have misjudge you once again.

Change: "Truly, I have misjudged you once again." (misjudge--misjudged)

She looked at him, a twinkle of mischief in her eye. "That 'selfish bitch' 
isn't long enough a title for moi?"

He nearly tripped over himself.  "God, just forget I said that already!"

Nabiki chuckled.  "You're still so easy to tease, Ranma-baby."

What I particularly like about this fanfic is that it can go either way. It can hint on a Nabiki-Ranma relationship (Antvasima's skepticism over Nabiki's blackened and irredeemable soul be damned), and it's also realistic on just how small a chance a Nabiki-Ranma relationship has, delving into a more believable consequence for the pair-up... living hell. In any case, it's certainly not going in a one-sided, predictable course. Well done.

He sighed.  "You know good and well what I'm talking about."

"No.  How about you just tell me again?"

"...I said that I'll protect you, no matter what."

She smiled, taking great pleasure in dragging it out of him.  "Well, that's 
good to know."

Sighing, he responded off-handedly.  "Yeah, 'specially since you might be 
carrying my kid and stuff."

Saotome's mouth has fired off yet again. Hook, line, sinker. Angst ensues.

"Nabiki Tendo... how dare you take what rightfully belongs to me," the girl 
known as Kodachi Kuno spoke to herself.  "And attempting to bind him to you for 
a long life of misery... I will not stand for it."  She glared at the last 
place she saw the object of her hatred.

"I will destroy you like the insignificant bug you are."

Ooh. Conflict. No complaints from me. ^-^

TBC 

Suggestions, comments, donations, etc.., you know where to send them...

Adrian Moten

Truly. :) Looking forward to seeing more of this.

Keep on writing.


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