>From the 'Bet you didn't think you'd get anymore C+C on this' backlog...

Gary Kleppe wrote:

The phone rang.

I don't know. As an opening line, that isn't much of a hook, IMO.

Zhen Guairen ignored the noise, preferring to remain floating

"preferring to remain floating" sounds awkward to me. Probably having to
'ing's so close together.

beneath

the cool and still waters of his meditative state. Blind rage was a
weakness he could ill afford, for his enemy (his most hated enemy, may
his name be spat upon and reviled by a thousand generations to come)
would surely use it against him. He needed the sharpness and clarity of
mind that meditation would bring. When the time came, he would deliver
his killing strike, as swift and precise as the deadliest predator, and
the world would be cleansed of the presence of the hated one (may he
burn for all eternity in the deepest pits of the underworld).

The phone rang again, and again. And again.

I'd either make it continuous of make the second 'And again.' as well

 Zhen picked up the receiver

and placed it to his ear, but did not speak.

"Hello?" a voice came. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Tell the evil one that his existence is at an end!" Zhen shouted into
the phone. "For soon he shall feel the sting of righteous vengeance!"

"Good evening, sir. I'm calling to let you know how you can save up to
forty percent on your...."

Hmm. Bit too much of a build up for that punchline, IMO. Also a touch
predicitble. Maybe something like. "That's not problem. Even Evil Ones can
save up to forty percent..." or something that works the dialogue into the
telemarketers response.

"Bah!" Zhen threw the receiver back onto its cradle, with such force

not sure you need that comma

that it shook the table on which it stood.

on which it stood feels unneccsary, sort of dragging the sentence out. Not
sure how to rewrite it, though.

My, I'm in an anal mood tonight. :)

As if on queue,

cue, I think. I'm pretty sure what you have is the British version of  a
line.

the house trembled, as

again I think a stray comma.

Making me work for this one, aren't you?

"Did I not tell you to use the door?" He continued before Momotaru could
answer. "Were not my very words to you 'While I appreciate the value of
an assistant who is strong enough to smash through a wall with his bare
hands, nevertheless next time you are to use the door?'"

Is that a question.

Momotaru glanced back toward a pile of wood scraps which littered the
ground where he had entered. "It broke the second time I hit the wall
with it. I had to finish busting through by hand."

Cute

"I... see," Zhen said with a sigh.

....see." Zhen sighed. (works better. While I do the 'say with a sigh' thing
myself, it should be used rarly and here I don't think it's necessary.

His own fault, he supposed, for
having forgotten who he was dealing with.

It was his own fault for having (shorter is better for this sentence, IMO)

It feels like you were off your literary game for the opening of this. It's
just awkward. The content is well enough, but style feels off.

"I have a job for you, Momotaru. Go to the Tendo residence. I've already
told you where it is." Giving directions would have been pointless; for
Momotaru, a straight line was evidently the *only* path between two
points. Fortunately, he always seemed to know which direction to head to
get where he was going.

'to head...going' is awkward as well. Recommend rewording

 "Once there, you will steal a personal item

belonging to the hated Master Happosai. Anything which would have been
kept close to his body enough to

close enough to his body to (flows better, IMO)

Muted voices from the television echoed through the dimly-lit room. "Oh,
please don't worry about me," said a kindly-faced middle-aged

two hyphenated words too close together. perhaps just 'kindly' would do.

 woman.

"I'll be fine here alone while the rest of you are out. I'm sure that
all that talk about a psychotic rapist-strangler at large is just a
rumor. Nothing bad will happen."

Kindaichi will nail his hide to the wall anyway.

Yes, I have been on a Kindaichi Files bent of late, why do you ask.

She probably could've gone out with the rest of the family. After all,
she'd all

recommend dropping 'after all'

but recovered from the flu that had infested her body

ugh. "flu that had infested her body" is too wordy

 > Ranma sighed. "Yeah, Pop, I know that. But martial arts train-spotting

is still a stupid idea."

And a bit flat of a joke. I recommend cutting it, myself.

"We're home, Akane!" Kasumi called out as she pulled open the sliding
door, casting a glance at the old man at her side. "I'm so glad you
enjoyed the ballet, Master Happosai." To everyone's surprise, he had sat
quietly in his seat during the performance, watching intently and never
interrupting. But when it had finished, he had insisted on running into
the women's dressing room to congratulate the performers in his own
unique way. Ranma had then had to run in and drag him out, and that,
naturally, had earned the both of them a beating.

Heh

"You might want to check whether whoever or whatever did this is still
here," Nabiki said to him as she dialed.

"Eep. Me?" Genma's expression abruptly blanked out to match Soun's.

"Right." Ranma slipped

might want to mention Ranma was certain Akane was all right, though.

"Huh?"

"Never mind." *I don't want you smashing another hole.* This, of course,
was the same one as before. Zhen quietly sighed. Of all the people who
could have been helping him in his quest, why did he have to be stuck
with such a mindless dolt?

Because only a mindless idiot would help him on such a mindless quest. :)

"Ah. Excellent." Zhen snatched the underwear from the brute's hand. A
smell not unlike three-year-old eggs immediately assaulted his senses;
he

while i approve of the use of semicolons, in this case two sentences id
better, IMO.

"Okay." He stepped into the room, headed in the direction of the window.

"Stop!" Zhen shouted. "Let me rephrase. I want you to go somewhere
immediately *after* I finish telling you *where* to go."

So he can learn.

"Oh, that's nice. Say, I don't suppose you could do one more little
thing for me?"

Zhen sighed. "What?"

"Sign the *contract,* now that you've signed your map of Tokyo."

That worked.

"Excellent." Zhen grinned. "You have my apologies."

Heh. Nice spin.

"Please forgive Eipuriru," Kinnosuke said in his normal voice. "He's
been through some rather difficult times since we last met, and I'm
afraid it's changed him quite a bit. I've considered dismissing him, but
I don't have the heart, not when he's been my right-hand man for so
long."

Heh. That actually worked.

Bit rough to start out, but it flowed better once there was more dialogue.

DB Sommer



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