[FFML] [C&C][Ranma-SM Xover]Destiny Chapter 4


As usual with any piece of C&C, these are all in my opinion so (aside from the grammar corrections, but I did indicate the ones I'm not sure about) take it with a grain of salt. ^-^ 

Arun Prabhu wrote:


Destiny

By Arun Prabhu 

Chapter#04: Pivot <completed on 12/11/2004> <Revision#
Your guess is as good as mine.>


This fic needs to go Back to the future! :P

The dd/mm/yyyy of yours can be easily confused as mm/dd/yyyy

A Ranma One-Half - Sailor Moon crossover with a pinch
of Ramayana.


Oooh. I'd say this would definitely be quite unique. (freshens up on Ramayana lore by googling)

Oh, and here's a thought... how about making your chapters shorter? I know John Biles can typically make 60+ pages easy per chapter and he's good with it, but an alternative to this is shorter chapters that would help the reader 'digest' your story. Also , it's easier to C&C that way. ^^; Anyway, it's your jurisdiction anyway. ^-^

Disclaimers:

Ranma one-half and Sailor Moon belong to their
respective owners. I do not own them.

Author's notes:

After a long, long delay, here's chapter four. Enjoy.


And here's some C&C. Hope it's helpful!

She came to with a groan. 'Where am I?' she asked


Ah, the usual "smart quotes" problem. Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click 'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace" header, uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."

herself even though she knew the answer,


Suggest ending the sentence here and forming a new sentence with the other half. You're doing a run-on sentence there.

for once

gifted, it was impossible to severe Time Sense
completely. Thus, Setsuna, the erstwhile Guardian of
Time, knew of her prison. She was in that place; that
unnamed place; that place where those terrible things
lived;


Oooh, semi-colons. I'd suggest ellipses (since I'm partial to it), but
the formally correct syntax would have to be _not_ over-using the semi-colons (not kosher, I believe)

	They, Usagi and the other senshi, did not know of the
betrayal. Because they did not, they did not know that
what could not be broken was.


Your last sentence sounded off, but after re-reading it I got it. I don't have many suggestions on fixing it, so you could probably keep it. Oh wait, how about:

Because of their ignorance, they did not...

And because they were

unaware and because the only person who could have
warned them was in jail herself, they were unprepared
for the terrible things that the breaking of the pact
had unleashed on the world.


Hmmm. My professor has a name for this sort of sentence. It's the "Too many thoughts in your sentence" type of sentence. It would do for easier reading to just limit one thought per sentence. For example, that one sentence was saying:

-The senshi were unaware of what was happening.
-The senshi could not be warned because Setsuna's in jail.
-The senshi weren't prepared for the consequences of breaking the pack.

...All at the same time. And readers can get easily tired trying to get your meaning with such a complicated monster of a sentence. In any case, we can easily cut the sentence into two, maybe even into three sentences for easier reading.

Suggest: The only person who could warn them was in jail, so the senshi will remain unaware of what was happening. As such, they are also obviously unprepared to face the terrible things that would happen to them now that the pact was broken.

Or something like that. ^^; Just don't overwork each individual sentence. Simplify and all that jazz. :) 

And because they were

unprepared, they would not survive the coming. And
because they would not, Setsuna cried; for friends
lost; for a duty failed; for a trust broken; for a
beautiful, perfect future that could have been, but
was forever lost to the shifting sands of time.


See above for grammar corrections. As for the story itself, I think you're blatantly spelling things out to the reader. What could easily be told in a few glib sentences is extensively and gratuitously explained in several paragraphs. Setsuna is helpless and the senshi will be caught unawares; this makes Setsuna sad. She has failed, and is feeing desperation. 

It's one thing to flesh out a premise, it's another to overstate it.

	Thus died the last Guardian of Time, fighting a
contemptible battle against an invincible enemy in the
place where time stood still.


I liked this paragraph. It's very dramatic.

<snip>

(blinks) That's the problem when you only know one series/reference in the story. You go blank in other parts. Lower chaste people and ancient gods? Whatever happened to Sailor Moon and co.? Where's Ranma? :P

	"Shall we?" Amatersu asked Yama-O after the unclean
had departed.

	Yama-O nodded in her direction but only as an
afterthought. Now that the courtiers were cowed down,
the crystal had his undivided attention.


Let me see... We have the Hindi God of Death and the Sun Goddess of Japan. Okay. So what'll happen once Enma Daio gets wind of a fellow goddess scheming with the god from the other religion? :P

Seriously, though, it's... er... intriguing. :)

	Amatersu turned to a group of thirteen guards
handpicked from the ranks of the palace elite. These
guards stood some distance apart from the rest of the
assembly, other warrior Gods included.


Suggest: other warrior gods included/other Warrior Gods included

I dunno. The capitalization seems awkward to me, but it's more of a subjective, preferential thing, I believe. It's your call whether to change or not.

	"Where is she?" he asked of Amatersu. His tone was
none too cordial. "Where is that bitch that imprisoned
me? I know she's your flunky and I lay the
responsibility for her actions at your feet. If she or
her friends had so much as hurt a hair on my student's
head, you tell her that temporal powers or not, I'll
hunt them down to the ends of the earth and kill them.
Then, I'll come for you and I'll kill you. And
nothing, not heaven nor hell


I bit formal, I admit, but might I suggest, "neither heaven nor hell"

can protect you from my

wrath."

	Amatersu put a smile on her face in the interests of
diplomacy. On the inside, however, she was seething
with anger - how dare he speak so disrespectfully to
her and in her domain no less - while simultaneously,
she felt a cold stab of fear in her heart.


You're doing it again. Putting multiple thoughts in one sentence, I mean.

The Dragon,

all said and done, was far more powerful than any God
was and it was not conducive to one's health to get on
his wrong side, which thanks to the ill-advised
actions of the Guardian of Time she had. She had
better tread lightly lest she antagonize him more.


Wow. Ranma the fighting God, eh? Don't mind me... I'm just wary of the 'deification' of Ranma in most Ranmafics.

<snip> 

I dunno if the whole warring gods is my thing, but on the surface I can safely conclude that the whole dialogue between the sun-goddess and the dragon (arguably 'the horse', but I digress) was well-written, with not that many glaring grammatical errors as the earlier parts. Also, Ranma understandably isn't Ranma here anymore, but another god-person altogether, but whoever he is he was doing a good job impersonating a really arrogant, powerful person. If that's the characterization goal of your fic, then good job... Ranma acted a whole lot like an asshole god, from what I've read.

	None in the hall dared to breathe until Ranma was
gone, and even then, the high caste councilors spoke
only in hushed tones. They all knew of Amateru's
prowess - she, Yama-O and Shiva were the three
mightiest of the Gods,


O-kay, and Ranma just happened to be threatening to one of the three mightiest gods. Riiight.

	"That was very stupid," he said. "I said this to your
flunky in Tokyo and I'll repeat it for you here:
Pissing Ranma off is a quick, guaranteed way to a very
painful death.


Some Hindi God knows about Ranma Saotome's abilities and strength even though Ranma is Japanese born?

Enma Daio: HEY! Quit muscling in on my shtick!

The onus is upon you whether you heed


It sounds strange to me that a god would use both a formal and informal words at the same paragraph. Don't mix them up.

If you're going for formal speech, stick to formal speech.

Yama-O: Angering the Dragon is a quick, guaranteed way to a very painful death. The onus is upon you whether you heed...

If you're going for informal speech, stick to informal speech.

Yama-O: Pissing Ranma off is a quick and sure way to a very painful death. You're responsible, whether you listen...

	He would disobey his orders, even though he knew that
choosing that particular option signaled the death
knell of his career. But Indiran was not content with
simply disobeying his orders. As a parting gift to his
people, he wanted to take his actions one-step


Isn't it, 'one step' 

further

and forge everlasting peace with the senshi. Perhaps

	"Sailor Mars says that you're here to kill me and my
advisors. You corroborate her when you say we were
enemies." Pause. "What are your intentions?" Usagi
asked, crossing her mental fingers.


Though it might come from style, might I suggest, "Usagi asked, mentally crossing her fingers"?

	"I'm here to negotiate peace, Serenity. I give you my
word of honor that no harm will befall you or yours by
my hands."


Suggest something else than 'yours'. Sounds awkward.

	Usagi held up an arm to stall her friend. She knew
the risks she was running, but if there was even the
slightest chance that this conflict could be resolved
without bloodshed, she felt she had to take it.


Usagi: Well, duh.

	"You say that your people have warred with the Moon
Kingdom in the past, Milord General, but there is no
record in the archives that we ever faced such an
enemy as you. Can you explain that?"

	"I did not say that I fought against the Moon
Kingdom, Mercury-Queen.


I have to ask, what's with the "name"-queen speech pattern?

	Ami gave a nod of satisfaction, though she could find
no references to anyone called The Forgotten Queen in
her archives.


Indiran: It was a cover-up! A power struggle!

Robert Langdon: (nods sagely) everybody loves a conspiracy.

	"Let's suppose that we agree to your terms, Milord
General. Will the lives of humans be endangered in the
coming conflict?"


Suggest: "impending conflict" or "looming conflict"

She looked around. "Even though

you've been sensitive to human casualties today, can
you guarantee that you'll retain it throughout the
course of the campaign?"


Usagi sounds very Serenity in these passages.

	"One final question and I'll make my decision. Who is
this enemy that you allude to so often with such
vehemence?" she asked.


In Serenity mode, Usagi can pass the language exams she failed. She is a bard, nay, a poet.

	Indiran responded with a solemn nod.

	"This might come as a rude surprise to you, but the
vast majority of humanity has been had for the longest
time. The Gods aren't the omnipotent benevolent beings
that you have been led to believe.


Interesting plot point you have there.

They, you and I are

all descended from the same ancestral race in the
far-off past. I have the evidence to prove my claims,
though I'd have to send a special missive to the son
of the earth to send them along with the next wave."
To Serenity: "Do you wish to wait until you've


I dunno... I suppose "To Serenity:" is technically correct, but it still looks weird to me.

	Usagi gazed at Indiran for the longest time as she
tried to come to a decision. The problem was, even
though Indiran's story went against everything she
believed, she did not think he was lying to her.


Usagi: (shrugs) He must be mistaken then.

Pissing off someone

as powerful as Ranma, he had decided early on in their
friendship, was not the wisest thing to do and
correctly so.


Suggest: Ryuu had decided early on in their friendship that pissing off someone as powerful as Ranma was not the wisest thing to do. (rearrangement and deletion of the extraneous 'and correctly so')

Ah, so this is the 'Just won't die' type of Ranma Saotome. :P

<snip>

Not much to comment on the Suryan betrayal thing (since I haven't read the earlier chapters), except that it's a great twist. Obviously the new characters are really pulling their weight in this fic... but I'm wondering, what about the non-fic characters? :P I dunno, I guess I'm just not used to Ranma not acting like Ranma and the Sailors not running the show as well. Purely preferential. Incredible storytelling, nontheless.

	"In the meanwhile, Second Squadron will get ready for
action," Betrayer continued in the same vein, "When I
give the order, I want everyone in the squad to shoot
at that bastard yacking


yakking

most assuredly were not. That left Serenity and The
Dragon, and since the shield was a ki construct and
Serenity's powers were mana


Mana? Please do explain.

related and yet to develop

fully, she could not be the guilty party. This left
The Dragon. And Betrayer did not want to be anywhere
in the vicinity of The Dragon.


Ranmavatar. :P Your Ranma reminds me of one of Carrot's (the author) Ranmavatars in his self-insertion fanfics.

	"The Dragon is here! Signal your men to split up into
ones and make a run for it! We'll rendezvous back at
the brigade HQ tonight," he shouted to Karthikeya over
the loud bang of the explosions.

	The wide-eyed God nodded without question. He paused
only long enough to signal the new orders to his
troops and then vamoosed


Suggest: 'leave' or something much more simpler than 'vamoose' ^^;

	Flying shrapnel from the explosion also hit Minako,
Makoto and Rei, wounding all three badly. In their
wake came the concussive wave front that slammed into
them with the force of a Kentucky tornado. The
powerful winds threw Minako and Makoto clear across
the street. They did not harm Rei, however, for
Ranma's dome-shaped shield, which he had continued to
grow,


Suggest: replace 'grow' with 'enlarge' or perhaps 'expand'

had swollen enough to encompass and protect her

body further physical harm.

	"I'm Tuxedo Kamen and for the crime of..."


Tsk, tsk... speeches.

	Mamoru, who had little experience as a frontline
fighter, stood no chance against the attack. His
defenses might just as well have been nonexistent
because Suryan waded through them by sacrificing both
the bones of his middle left forearm to get into
Mamoru's defenses. He sliced up at his quarry's throat
with one of the innumerable daggers he kept secreted
upon his person. Only Mamoru's mana-enhanced reflexes
saved him from a case of the decapitated head, but
even they were not enough to protect his carotid
artery and Tuxedo Kamen died in a geyser of blood.


People really, really hate Tuxedo Kamen, eh?

All in less than ten seconds. Two seconds later, he
had kicked Mamoru over the edge of the roof and was
jumping across rooftops, as fast as he could with
Mamoru's heart safely tucked away in a pouch.


Ew.

So much for this fic slightly even resembling either of the series it has crossed-over with.

	To Ranma, in Tamil: "Welcome, Lion of the Sky. Why
are you here?"

 
Why 'Lion' when he's obviously a Dragon, and other allusions to Ranma are usually on the Roaring Tiger and Wild Horse?

	To Serenity: "Evening, Serenity. I'm Ranma Qin and
this is my student Ryuu Saotome. We were in the
neighborhood when we heard the sound of battle. I
thought it wise to scout the area and see if there was
anything we could do to help the wounded.


Ah. Sou ka. Neither of these people are Ranma Saotome, they're characters that only share the errant martial artist's name. Great.

	It was Usagi who looked into Ranma's eyes and spoke.
Ranma nodded once and made to turn to Rei, but an
errant thought made him stop midway.

	"One of you might want to check on that poor sod the
other one killed yonder. I'm probably wrong, but I
think he's a sailor."


Senshi, perhaps? Or Sailor Soldier? 'Sailor' by itself sounds funny.  ^^;

	"What do you mean? Only girls can be sailors,
unless..." she left the rest of the sentence hanging.


The only one acting vaguely IC is about to not to once she gets into the angst-fest of seeing her only love dead and heartless.

	Ranma watched them go bouncing off. He approached
Mars and knelt beside her. A close examination of her
wounds showed what he had suspected - Rei had a
perforated liver and spleen, both potentially
life-threatening injuries. With care, he took her
entrails, which were lying beside her on the tarmac,
in his hands and tucked them inside her abdominal
cavity.


I dunno, but aren't such details... y'now, unnecessary? It's like you're convincing the audience that the senshi are experiencing a serious situation, but instead you're only grossing them out. I am of the opinion that drama is more effective than shock value.

	Once he had her intestines back where it belonged, he
placed the palm of one hand on her chest and with the
other, manipulated a handful of pressure points on the
back of her neck. His palm fluoresced as he poured ki
and mana into her body, and her wounds begun to heal.
The cuts and abrasions vanished and the long slit
across the abdomen sealed itself in a matter of
seconds without leaving so much as a scar behind.


And here we have Ranma Qin, the One.... a person with the powers of Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and a host of other messianic entities.

	Ranma rose to his feet and took a step backwards. He
saw that the woman who had addressed him in so rude
and belligerent a fashion was a seriously pissed
green-haired woman with a weird looking
staff-look-alike artifact that reeked of the Gods in


(shock!)

...Waaaait, I thought Q. Serenity was the one who gave her that staff, with the garnet orb being one of those three legendary Japanese treasure thingies (with the sword and the mirror). What's with 'reeked with the Gods' thing?

one hand and a glowing mana construct on the other.
The construct was one he had never encountered before,
though he recognized it as a key of sorts. Ranma
decided he did not want to learn of its intended
purpose this side of eternity. The reasons for the ban
on temporal manipulation were very good, and only
blind fools like the one before him broke that law,
thank you!

	"If you'll hear me out..."

	"Shut the fuck up," Pluto said in an invective tone.
"I should've known you'd take their side!"


This is also a common theme in most fanfics... angry Pluto to a flustered Ranmavatar. Sprinkle excessive swearing liberally.

	"Stop gawking like an idiot and help Uranus and
Neptune." To Haruka: "Kill the little bastard. Make
his death as painful and gruesome as possible to serve
as an example to anyone who'd dare molest the senshi."

	Then, she vanished with her prisoner.


She also has a tendency to be really, really bossy.

	"I love you," she whispered. "Why did you leave me?"


Aw, rather selfish of him, eh?

not fail again. She would be as strong as she needed
to be from now on and no one, not friend nor foe,
would be allowed to hurt her friends and subjects ever
again.


Is this fanservice? Killing off unnecessary 'fat' that most people don't want to see in the fanfic anyway? (i.e. Mamoru?)

	Haruka heard Setsuna's command even as she made her
way towards the thing - she was sure that it was not a
boy for no normal human could hope to survive much
less stand up after getting hit by a World Shaking.


Greeeaaat. Of course, the 'outers' would be Xenophobic. It so says in fanfic cliche' no. 31.

Her brain parsed the command and with barely a nod in
Setsuna's direction, Haruka brought up her sword and
shot the thing with another World Shaking.


There's something weird about Haruka holding a sword and using it for world-shaking attacks. It's like a guy holding a gun and using it to bludgeon his opponents or another guy holding a bomb and using it to
knock out his enemies by conking them on the noggin. From what I remember, Haruka's sword _does_ cut, y'know.

	"Who are you? This is a battle zone. You'll end up
putting yourselves in danger and getting hurt if you
stay. Get away from here."

	The man - he was none other than Genma - did not turn
and flee, confirming Haruka's gut instincts,


Haruka's gut instincts: Genma Saotome's not fleeing? He must be OOC!

	"We stand by your side, Saotome," Happousai, who
stood in a battle ready stance to Genma's left,
replied.

	"Thank you."


I dunno, but the events unfolding in your world seems surreal to me.

	"The honor of the school is at stake. I will not have
my heir treated so, Genma," Happousai elaborated.

	Genma turned to Guu Long.


Whatever happened to 'Ku Lon'?

	Genma's eyes narrowed. He slipped into a crouch and
his eyes bored Haruka's, daring her to make the first
move. She very nearly did, when Ami interrupted.


Genma: (crouching tiger mode) Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai!

	Even though the arrival of the outers was expected,
their actions certainly were not.


Minako: (scoffs) Are you kidding? They do this to Ranma/Ranmavatars in every last generic Ranma 1/2/Sailormoon crossover fanfic ever published on the Internet... fanon and all that.

Setsuna had ordered Uranus to kill Ryuu and
disappeared with her prisoner, Haruka had wounded Ryuu
seriously and struck him unconscious, and the others -
presumably Ryuu's family - had arrived on the scene
and threats exchanged.

	"Stop! What are you doing, Uranus? Stand down!" she
shouted at the blonde senshi.

	Haruka cast a quick glance at Ami without letting
Genma out of her line of sight.

	"I'm doing my job, that's what I'm doing, if your
brain is too befuddled to realize it, Mercury.


Ami: Excuse me?! It is not so befuddled as it is puzzled and confused! 

Haruka: It is befuddled! Furthermore, your brain is also... (looks up thesaurus) bewildered!

*coughgratuitousvolcabularywordsondialoguecough* ^_^

	"I trust we don't have to worry about such a mix-up
happening again, Mercury-Queen?" he asked, walking up
unobserved from behind the outers. He had noted the
new senshi as soon as they arrived and watched their
ill-advised assault from afar, but had not interfered
for fear of complicating the mess further, which is
what would have happened in the state Ami had fallen
into. Now that the situation had settled down some, he
felt his hands were freed and he could act. "As your
ally, it is my duty to inform you that you will not
survive to reminiscence


reminisce

about your glorious battle

with those of their ilk. They are trained and
experienced masters in the art of war and you, though
skilled, are untrained with no experience fighting
well-trained, well-motivated, well-experienced foes."


Beryl: I beg your pardon?!

	Haruka turned with a hot retort on her lips and took
in Indiran's visage. She froze at the sight of the
six-armed human look-alike figure sporting a solemn
look on his composed visage in archaic armor. The
expressions on the faces of the other outers mirrored
hers to almost the finest detail.

	"You aren't human," Michiru observed aloud, gawking
like a schoolgirl, after she regained her power of
speech.


Hotaru: (pouts) Michiru-mama, I should be the one gawking like a schoolgirl. (sniffle)

	"But he isn't human..." Michiru replied.


Idunno... IMO, Michiru seems uncharacteristically spastic in this fic.

	Indiran smiled to sooth her fears.


...soothe her fears.

	"If you're worried that your friend will kill him,
Mercury-Queen, worry no more, for your fears are
unfounded. Ranma is powerful; perhaps terribly so.
It's more likely that he'll kill her if she annoys him
badly enough."


Ami: Well, since you put it that way...

Outers: ....

(facefault, muted trumpet sounds, hilarity ensues)

	"Pluto-Queen took Ranma-san prisoner and has
vanished, Your Majesty," he explained, leaving out the
details for Ami to elucidate. His discretion was more
of a political gesture than an attempt at expediency.
He was pissed with the outers himself,


Your narrative (like your dialogue) is unsure it is formal or informal. Seeing 'elucidate' and 'pissed' in the same paragraph seems much. I highly suggest that if you want a formal narrative, then stick with a formal narrative (i.e. vocabulary words, elucidations et al, etc.) But if it's going to be informal, then stick to informal (pissed as opposed to angered, fucked up as opposed to in trouble, etc.)

	"And Uranus here busted Ryuu up pretty bad," Ami
added, earning her a not so grateful look from Haruka.
Ami replied with a cherubic smile. She really was
pissed at the outers and as a senshi, did not have to
worry about political intricacies. At least, not in
the way Indiran had to.


(see above comments)

	"Get a move on! Or are you simply going to stand here
and wait until they die?" she more or less snarled at
them.


Author: (claps) The whiny, loving Usagi irritated me, so I killed her boyfriend, who irritated me more. End result? An OOC Usagi that has taken Akane's angry pills who meshes much more smoothly in this intricate plot of mine! ^-^

	"Why the fuck did you assault them?" Usagi's smile
did not whittle and she seemed cheery when she spoke,
which made the powerful words all the more eerie and
disquieting.


Soujiro: (nods sagely) That's how you do it. (smiles)

	Haruka took a step back at the peril - whether
intended or intended


(blinks) As opposed to?!

Suggest: whether intended or unintended

	"Usagi," Ami asked in a voice dripping with concern.
She knew that something horrible must have happened
while Usagi was away for the princess to act this out
of character.


Ya hit the nail on the head, eh, fic? ^_^

	"Nothing," she declared to the outside world. Her
pallor said otherwise, however. "Almost. Mamoru's
dead, but I'm going to hunt the bastard who killed him
and torture the fucker to death."

	Haruka staggered as if struck and Indiran had to
steady her.

	"How?"

	Usagi gazed at her coldly.

	"Does it matter?"

	"..."


(shrugs) Though I personally am not moved by these events (due to personal preferences, I assure), I'm sure there are people who'd relish the out of character/character developed Usagi (I can imagine some of those readers going, "It's about damn time!"). So if this is your intention... make Usagi more, I dunno, aggressive... then congratulations, you've succeeded. Kudos to you, Arun.

	Ranma phased into the human plane in an impressive
explosion of light high above the skies of Juuban. Not
less than three citizens recorded the burst of light
with their cameras and for years afterwards,
conspiracy theorists around the world would contend
that the terrible events which transpired in Juuban
that day were the result of an alien attack shoved
under the carpet by the government.


(eyebrow raised, considers)

Maybe Dan Brown will write a best-selling book about it. :P

In any case, IMO, the above paragraph's very extraneous and unnecessary.

	Ranma flew through the air at dizzying speed, using
his mana to form an invisible wing of force - a
technique he had not used in a while


Tenchi: Hey! Rip off!

	"Wake him up. Tell him Pharaoh One is calling. Tell
him it's very urgent."


You said in your footnotes that:

3. The name Pharoah One does not mean Ranma is related
to Pharoah 90.

Er, so it just happens to be yet another title to Ranmavatar?

	The old man at the other end, a trusted caretaker who
had worked in the Emperor's family all his life,
immediately straightened. Of all the call signs he had
been briefed on, Pharaoh One was the one with the
greatest priority. Should he ever attend a call from
Pharaoh One, the briefer had told him, he should
verify the caller's authenticity and get the Emperor
online as soon as possible no matter what prior
engagements the Emperor might have.


It's again preferential (because you have a audience to cater to... an audience who just loves an omnipotent Ranma, avatar or otherwise), but even though Ranma's a protagonist, he's not really Ranma, isn't it? So this reads a lot like an orig fic that just happens to have the names of the characters of two popular series in its roster and nothing else.

If the whole thing was intentional, then I must say you really did develop the characters to the 'next level', if you will.

	Ranma chuckled.

	"I'm as fine as I've always been. The same I cannot
say for Tomoyo, though I wish to God that I could."


This just flew past my head. Eyng?

	"The legends are wrong, Your Majesty. I witnessed the
actions of the General with my own eyes and I vouch
for his people. If the rest of the Ashura are even
half as honorable as he is, they must be a very moral
and upright people. We can do business with them."


If the plot hadn't already decided that Indiran was a good guy and his fellow generals and a 'shadowy figure' traitors, then Ranma's trust would seem quite naive for a god.

In other words, in lieu of further evidence, Ranma seems to have almost psychically knew Indiran's sincerity as opposed to his comrade's betrayal. Oh, and why isn't the 'betrayer' simply called the 'traitor'?

	"I'll mail you a detailed report tomorrow morning.
For now, suffice to say the Gods are not what you've
been led to believe they are and neither are the
Ashuras."

	"The Gods aren't... Ranma, can we trust this?" the
Emperor asked.

	"We have to."

	"But..."

	"An ancient war between the Ashuras and the Gods is
blowing out into the open, Your Majesty. The Gods'
camp is in shambles. They are badly led and there's a
sense of panic in their camp. Their morale is low,
furthermore.


Suggest: Furthermore, their morale is low.

They do not believe they can win this war

- one of them came to negotiate an alliance with me
not too long ago. I turned him down for reasons that
have since proven justified. The atmosphere in the
Ashuran camp is exactly the opposite. From what I
observed of Indiran - and I think I've observed enough
to form my own solid impression of that Ashura


(eyebrows raised) Yep. In Matrix terms, this 'Ranma' of yours is Keanu Reeves.

	"Last but not least, the Ashura abide by The Code -


Bushido?

	"Summon the others. Set phases one and two of
contingency plan Seattle in motion."

	"That's..." the Prime Minister gasped.

	"I know, Prime Minister. I believe the situation is
that serious."

	"Do it, Hideyoshi," the Emperor ordered. To Ranma:
"What about the Sailors? What do we do about them?"


Suggest: (since you've been overusing the "To Somebody: 'Speech'" a bit) To Ranma, he said, "What about the Sailors?"

	"Ryuu's fine. His body is riddled with bruises and he
has a concussion, but his condition is not serious,"
Happousai replied.


Happousai: Since he's, y'know, the other half of the Ranmavatar. He's still virtually indestructible.

	"What do you intend we do, Genma?" Soun asked. "I
want to help the people and everything, but the same
thing that happened today is going to happen again and
again. I don't think it's possible to have any advance
warning of these attacks and without warning, we're
going to be too late. We'll be in time to extract the
bodies from the mess, but what good is that going to
do?"

I get the impression that this story is more event-driven than character driven. Why? Because you can interchange the dialogue to any of the characters and you wouldn't notice at all. IMO, the characters are acting like cardboard boxes, moving the plot along in the volition of the events instead of in their own will. They don't have any unique personalities, quirks, and reactions. They are like collective ants that react basically the same way, except for Ranma and his sidekick, the younger 'Saotome' who are gods.

No, correction, they're more than gods, since the gods suck in this fic.

My suggestion? Even though you obviously have a fixed idea on how the story will go, how about spicing things up and making the characters more than just chess pieces in what promises to be a grand, epic war? The Trojan War was made interesting because of the complexity of its characters, of both god and man. Achilles, though an obvious protagonist, wasn't the sole person making the plot move forward. There was the beautiful Helen, the coward Paris, the petty Gods, the virtuous King Priam, the (rather) treacherous Greeks and the Trojan Horse, etc. Events and characters move in unison, and there character complexities at play... not just scripted events which lacks human interest.

I believe that's what's missing in this fic: Human interest. Make the readers care for the characters, and not just a character or two. It's more than just descriptions of gore or Usagi saying the word 'fuck'... delve into the characters, the motivations behind their actions, and how their actions will affect the outcome of events. Actually, you did well on these things with the villains (the Betrayer and Suryan) but as for the rest of them? Genma, Soun, the senshi, even Usagi... they're left blank. It's as if special care is being given to the new characters while the established characters are left to gawk. Fair's fair... give insights to the complexity of all the characters... other than the one's you've created/borrowed from the Ramayana story, of course.

	Like Genma, Soun, too, had been deeply moved by the
carnage in the street and his heart ached to do
something about it. But the warrior part of him told
him that there was nothing he could do as long as he
did not have an early warning system in his hands.


See? At this point Genma and Soun are interchangeable.

	"Yes, Genma," Happousai asked in a taunting voice at
his pupil; the same voice whenever he wanted to goad
his students into putting their ill-used brains to
use, "how do we overcome that particular obstacle?"


It's not so much as Happousai's OOC, but from what I've seen so far Happousai seems nothing more than a table ornament that speaks from time to time. It's almost as if it would have been better if the author forgot him altogether because he neither adds nor detracts to the actual storyline.

	"All of us want to do something about it, Ass," Guu
Long expounded, as her staff made contact with Genma's
rather hard head, "The point is, how are we going to
do it?"


Guu Long: I left my manipulative and cunning 300+ brain in Hearts of Ice. In this fic, despite being a matriarch of a race of women warriors, I haven't the slightest on how to start a war that I'd have to consult on two idiots to get ideas.

	Genma looked embarrassed, as he rubbed his sore pate,
and Ranma snickered. When he could control his
snickers, Ranma turned to Guu Long.


Ranma: You think you have it tough? I've been split into two, and I'm now acting like a Dragonball/Carrot fic character.

	"The bad guys will always have the initiative, I'm
afraid, as long as they are the ones who attack first.


Nabiki: Way to go in stating the obvious, Saotome.

This means, of course, that there'll be casualties if
the attack is vicious enough simply by virtue of the
fact that we're only responding to the enemy.


Guu Long: (conks Ranma's head) what are we, infants? Of course we know this!

We'll

have to reconcile ourselves to the fact that we can't
save everyone, therefore. What we can control is
minimize our reaction time.


'What we can control is minimize our reaction time' sounds awkward. 

Suggest: 'What we can do is minimize our reaction time' or 'What we can control is our reaction time.'

Towards this goal, we can

use the police radios.


Mr. Incredible: Yeah, that's the ticket! (nods sagely)

If there's an attack, alerts

will be issued. We can use them to our own purpose,"
he said.


Genma: Oh Ranma, what will we ever do without you? 

Gu Long: (sheepish) I concur.

Ranma: (shrugs) Oh, don't worry about it. Even the senshi are lost without me moving the plot along. Without me, the plot will just go 'pfft'... know what I mean?

Ami: (addresses the author) Author-san, if you would be so kind as to make use of the other characters in your roster to move the plot, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, Ranma-san, Betrayer-san and Suryan-san are nice plot-movers and all, but don't we have a say in it all? Onigaishimasu? (bows)

	"We have already discussed that, Ranma, but
monitoring the police channel means that someone has
to sit beside the radio all day long. We don't have
the manpower resources for that, remember?" Guu Long
pointed out.


Gu Long: We'd rather, y'know, collectively sit here all day and contemplate the fact that we're doomed and how helpless we are in this war, y'know? That's the limit of our abilities.

	"We're talking about software, Genma-sensei. We don't
need a computer."


(blink) Software that _doesn't_ need a computer?

	"Soft where?" Guu Long asked, her curiosity piqued.

	Ranma groaned.

	"Nevermind."


Ranma: Hahaha! Get it? Even though she's a powerful old ghoul, she doesn't know about modern technology, so she's helpless in that department! Isn't it hilarious?

Ami: Er, Ranma-san... isn't 'Gu Long' so far 'helpless' in this fic regardless, modern technology or otherwise?

Ranma: Don't worry, Ami-chan... I can handle the plot all by myself, don't you worry.

Ami: (pouts) Demo... what about the rest of the characters?

Ranma: Well, some of them will die, some of them will do stupid things, and most of them will become OOC. It all works out in the end, don't you worry.

	"I have it already, Grandmaster. It even broadcasts
spoken messages through the radio or text messages
through the mobile network if we want. What we need is
the scanning hardware. I'll order it tonight and by
tomorrow afternoon, we'll be all set."


Ranma: I am Batman, Superman and Thor rolled in one. I have a mobile network, unlimited resources, god-like powers, and the potential backing of an ancient race of warriors. Also, the potential villains of this story are pathetic and disorganized. My nickname is: Undefeatable.

Nabiki: Uh, so where's the conflict?

Ranma: The conflict lies with the villains, of course... The conflict is, "How the hell will we beat Ranma the Undefeatable and his satellites of good guy bystanders"

Nabiki: Oh Ranma... you almost make me wish you're still the clueless, goodhearted dope you were before.

	"It's that simple?"

	"I have some clout, Grandmaster, and for me, yes, it
is that simple." To the others: "Can any of you see
any other problem on the horizon now that we have
crossed that obstacle?"


The gods: Basically, we're just waiting for Ranma to get our butts kicked. Notice we're not doing a lick of anything and we're afraid of him instead of the other way around?

	"Transportation?" Soun asked. "What do we do if the
attack's on the other side of town?"

	Ranma shrugged.

	"We don't do anything about it... I may have a way,
but I don't think you can use it."


Ranma: I have everything covered.

the elders: So what do we do?

Ranma: Applaud my imminent victory.

	"None of you have the levels of ki you need to open a
portal into a battle and come out fighting at the
other end. Who am I kidding, you will be able to
fight, but your reserves will be seriously depleted
and your endurance will be compromised. The senshi may
be able to do it, but since they are mana adepts
they'll have to use mana to power the portal."


Ranma: You're weak. I'm strong. I don't need you. Why are you here?

Genma: It's a cross-over, and we already glazed over the Tendo daughters and your fiancees and your female half and... Saaay, why did we get rid of the fanservice anyway?

Ranma: Such are the sacrifices I needed to become the One.

	"General."

	Indiran turned his head to face the newcomer. The man
who faced him could not have been more than twenty
years old, and though he had the look of a seasoned
professional about him, it was not true. His name was
Vasu and he was the senior ranking officer among the
humans. He was a professional like all his men and
according to his file he was good quality leadership
material, though he did not have any field experience
worth mentioning under his belt. Unfortunately, the
other surviving junior officers were nearly as wet
behind the ears as Vasu, which did not leave Indiran
with a lot of choice regarding who to put in command
of the survivors.


I dunno about you, but I find it weird that you're not making use of the Ashura's six-armed potential. Or taking note of it from time to time, to remind the reader of a certain difference of culture and tact. This reads like they're just another regimen, and they're anything but.

	"Sergeant, I have a problem on my hands. I'm sure
that Lieutenant Vasu has briefed you a little on it,
as I'm sure you've deduced part of the problem
yourself. The gist is this: we don't have enough men
to hunt Surya


It's 'Suryan', isn't it?

<snip Kathiravan, Indiran and Vasu scene>

>From what I've read here, it's well apparent that you can write an involved human interest (heretofore referred to as 'people interest', since Ashura aren't exactly 'human' :P) story with these three fine Ashura soldiers. So why don't you do the same with the manga characters you've graciously borrowed from Takeuchi and Takahashi? From what I've seen, the manga characters are treated flatly, like lawn ornaments with scripted speech, while Ranmavatar is treated like all-knowing god. Furhtermore, the gods are pathetic bad guys while the real bad guys (Suryan and the Betrayer) are better fleshed out in terms of motivations. 

If your intention lies more on highlighting the non-manga characters, with the manga characters acting as support, then congratulations again. You did great. If that is your intention, then you really don't give a damn about those who would read your story for the Ranma and Sailormoon content. (shrug) So I'd have to ask... why cross-over Ranma and Sailormoon with the Ramayana story if the two series would barely influence the story plot in the first place?

	"Pluto's dead, Milord. The Council does not suspect
anything," the God replied.


Ah, so did the story start in the middle of things? Might actually be confusing to other reader, I believe.

	The God rose, his face shining brightly with bliss.
He turned on his heels and walked out of the chamber.
Behind him, Betrayer stepped out of the dark and into
the light, a sinister smile on his face. Everything
was going according to plan and soon, he would reign
become The First Among All.


(groan) Just what we need. A villain avatar that would go great with Ranmavatar. It would make great story twist if Ranma was the great and powerful villain. Then Serenity will lay the Ginzuishou on him.


Notes:

1. There are discrepancies between Rei's visions and
what happened in the battle. This is because Rei saw
one of the possible futures - the worst case scenario,
to be exact. *shrugs* What can I say? Fire Vision
yields conservative results. ^_~


It has happened before in one of the Sailormoon arcs, so it's hardly a cause for concern over contradiction. ^-^

2. To all you Chibi-Usa, Mamoru and Setsuna fans out
there: I can explain and here's my explanation: :p


Meh. It's not the first time a character is disposed of for the sake of the author's convenience. Unlike you, though, I simply tend to forget the disfavored characters in my fics. :P

I'm sure many of you have questions you wanna ask me.
If you have, or if you wanna congratulate me or flame
me, please email me at arun2110@sancharnet.in

You obviously have a different audience in mind for this fic. None of those canon-loving people who'd like to see a bit of Ranma and/or Sailormoon in this fic. In fact, aside from a name drop here and there, this fic bears little to no resemblance to the two original series this fic is based on. And, as such, I am aware that there are people who actually read this kind of fic. I can only guess how much they'll love this fic (certainly the death of Mamoru and Usagi's Neo-Queen-Serenity bitchiness was a highlight for them), but in any case, I'll understand if you'll have no use over my pleas of make it a bit more like the original series. I can say this much... It's technically sound, it's written sound, it's very long (^^;) and though there is a confusion between formal and informal speech in both the narrative and dialogue, it's good.

Heaven knows how many actual story protagonists are nearly 'god-like' in their knowledge, power and resources, so Ranmavatar (the both of them) fit well in the description. I can only suggest, nay, plea that you weaken them a bit for the sake of conflict and of interest... because, IMO, it'll be more interesting if Ranma and his alter ego Ryuu is actually compromised from time to time. Yes, I found them irritating, but that's just me.

In any case, I hope my suggestions and grammar corrections were of use to you. Though it's not my kind of fic, it's well-written and you do know your Ramayana and Ashura. ;)

Keep on writing.

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