Hello. I must admit, this one caught my attention because of the flood of 'C&C' your _other_ posts got, but once I read it (the actual post, not the garbled pseudo-posts), it's ain't half bad. It's decent, and I always look forward to those what if fics that doesn't stray too much on canon (in terms of story, since this is obviously not a humor piece). 

General comments:

The narrative, the dialogue and the characters act in a decisively Viz-dub manner. Got wind of the Ranma-honey and Kuno-baby thingy in the second chapter. This isn't a good or bad comment, just something I'd like to point out... 'cause, finally, we have an author who doesn't write how 'kawaii' his 'iinazuke' is. :P (Me? Guilty of gratuitous Japanese? What of it?)

Also, this C&C is going to be filled with nitpicks galore... that's subtle praise for your writing, which is technically sound. 

The story itself? Intriguing premise, I'm just wondering how far you'll go with this.

In any case, take my comments with a grain of salt, blah blah blah, on with the fic.

Fingers of sunlight tickled Ranma's eyelids as he slumbered.  He grumbled as 
his consciousness stirred, then the rest of his being activated in an almost 
domino fashion.  Automatically, one eye cracked open.  

Your descriptive prose has me thinking of Ranma as a robot of some sort, made of gears and cogs that work in succession or 'domino' fashion. Intentional?

Immediately, he regretted doing so; it felt as if a thousand bees lanced his 
brain repeatedly with Amaguriken speed.

Such an otaku-ish description... Amaguriken speed sounds rather... S.I.-ish to me, but that's just me.

He shuddered violently in agony, 

slamming the offended eye shut.  His head throbbed for a moment more before 
fading; however, it hadn't disappeared completely.

Little technicality here: What faded? What hadn't disappeared completely? (i.e. suggest: His head throbbed for a moment before the pain faded; however, it hadn't disappeared completely)

He felt something move in his arms, snuggling against his chest warmly and 
sighing softly.  It definitely sounded female; however, he was not very willing 
to open his eyes again and suffer the wrath of the sun god.  

Your narrative, to me, sounds a bit... heavy-handed and hammy. Suggest lightening it up a bit. Oh, I dunno... simpler messages? In any case, let's just label this comment as nitpick # I lost count.

So, in Ranma's 

mind, identifying whoever the person was through his other senses was the safest 
thing he could do with the least amount of pain inflicted on him.  Hoping 
that it wasn't Shampoo (that incident caused far too much trouble for him at the 
time, and he rather not have a repeat of it), he used his fingers of one hand 
to feel out the unknown interloper.

He seems rather calm for someone who just woke up with an unknown woman in his bed. Somehow, though generally people would think otherwise, I don't think Ranma's quite used to that.

It was very much female to his surprise (and horror); the good thing was, he 
did not feel any odango hairstyles, so Shampoo was definitely out.  The hair 
did not feel very long, either, which removed a number of other girls, 
including Kodachi; sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night may not be 
above her, though she had not done so to his knowledge.  Ukyo would not do such a 
thing either, or at least he hoped she wouldn't have.  That would be... 
weird, for reasons which he could not think of at the moment; his head felt like it 
was splitting down the middle.

Question of passing fancy: Why would it be weird for Ranma to sleep with Ukyo?

Ukyo fanboy: Yeah? Why would it? :(

His hand sent more information to his sluggish brain for processing.  Hair 
was definitely cut short, bobbed was the word, he thought to himself.  Akane?  
The thought melted away when it came up.  She was still mad at him, and all 
because of Nabiki.  He would have to exact revenge on the brunette; the 
conversation he heard the other day revealed that she was playing him for a sap all 
last week.  Maybe pretending he had fallen in love with her lock, stock, and 
barrel would be good enough; that would make her think twice before toying with 
Ranma Saotome again.

Nice touch with the usual Ranma being clueless routine too.

The hand was sending up way too much data for him to process at this rate, so 
he told it to return back to wherever it had left from.  There was a very 
pleasurable moan, almost a purring sound, coming from the female, but it was 
placed in the waiting line of his mind.  Examining and filing away the 
information, he was proved right that it was not Akane; this person's hair was cut all 
wrong to be her bob.  It was snipped angularly from the back to her collarbone.  
Plus her breasts felt bigger, judging from the way they were pressed against 
his body.  Also, the stranger's body, while lean and toned, was not very 
muscular; even her derri�re

Heard from other FFML people that special characters such as '�' and '�' don't translate well on other operating systems etc. Suggest just substituting your '�' with a plaintext 'e'.

was softer, more rounded out.  Whoever this person was, 

she was definitely no martial artist.  

She was also naked.  

Ah, so this is the reason why he wasn't so worried earlier. Funny he should notice these things just now. Actually, Ranma struck me as rather robot-like in both waking up and his 'robotic' analysis of the situation. It was in a step-by-step, flowchart-like procedure that seems less believable than, say, a simple paragraph. Yes, I do believe all this build-up could have been easily written within one paragraph or sentence depending on the delivery.

Or you could just cut from the first paragraph straight to the above comment. It's all in your jurisdiction, of course.

...so was he.

It took well over ten seconds for the implications to finally register.

He was doing quite fine compartmentalizing the information before, so what's with the sudden clueless behavior now?

There was no other choice; he had to open his eyes.  Very cautiously, he 
pried them open little by little, tilting his head down and away from any source 
of light.  His head throbbed with those accursed bees attempting to turn his 
brain into swiss chess,

Suggest: Swiss cheese,

A bleary pair of eyes greeted Ranma.  Blinking a little, he pulled back, 
examining the owner of those eyes.  If he weren't so out of it, there would have 
been instant calamity right then and them.

Suggest: right then and there.

"Hey yourself, Ranma," a groggy Nabiki mumbled.

Silence ensued.  The two blinked dumbly at the other.  Apparently, Nabiki's 
brain was just as sluggish as his was.

'Sluggish' yet analytical, IMO. For someone who has a migraine, he seemed rather very aware of his surroundings and very systematic of his deductions. He doesn't seem very shocked either. Why is that?

"What the hell are you doing in my bed?!" she cried out, pushing the 
surprised young man away as hard as she could.

Already off-balance from Nabiki's scream, Ranma found himself tumbling to the 
floor violently.  He bounced off the matted floor, rolled head over heels 
twice, and landed against the wall upside-down on his shoulders with his legs 
dangling just above his head.  

Keitaro: (pointing) I can do that too!

He moaned, feeling both nausea and his brains 

making an attempt to crack his skull open and run free.  "I wish you didn't do 
that...," he mumbled, wincing.

I must ask you, is "that...," correct?

I mean, is terminating an ellipsis (...) with a comma (,) correct grammar?

Nabiki mentally pulled up short, seeing his state of undress, then quickly 
checked her own body.  "Oh, no... it didn't... it couldn't have..." she 
breathed.  Frantically, she hopped out of her bed and flung back the covers.  She 
sharply sucked in her breath, her eyes popping wide open as she stared at her 
bedcover

In any case, the slow start picks up quite nicely from here. 

"It's nearly one o'clock," she informed him.  Ranma blinked in surprise, but 
before he could say something in response, she went on.  "You were so..." A 
blush suffused her cheeks while she beamed with pride. "...manly last night, 
your fathers and I decided to let you two sleep in today.  Hopefully, you will 
contain your excitement better from now on.  I doubt it if anyone managed more 
than a few hours rest with all the noise you and your lovely bride made last 
night."

"Excuse me?" Nabiki inquired, appearing immediately behind Ranma.  She had 
wrapped a thin bed sheet around her previously nude body and was doing her best 
to control her attitude in her current state.  She was performing poorly at 
the task.

Nice reaction. This is more... subtle than the previous paragraphs. Show not tell and all that.

Nodoka either did not hear her, or did not pay her any attention.  "At any 
rate, Kasumi and I have prepared you two a very big lunch.  We figured you'd 
need the energy.  There's also a hot bath drawn, so relax and enjoy yourselves 
first before preparing to eat, though not too much."  She gave Ranma a secret 
wink; he nodded dumbly in response.  "And don't worry about the bed coverings; 
we'll take care of everything."  Then she added in a low whisper, "I hope you 
were gentle with her, son."

A word of advice... get rid of the 'burgundy stain' reference above and just have Nodoka say her dialogue here so that the whole thing doesn't come off overstated. 

It wasn't low enough for Nabiki's ears.  She nearly fell over, livid at the 
very comment.

Ranma, still not up to speed with the current world, mumbled, "I... I guess."

Ranma's mother hugged him, fiercely.  "Oh, son, you make me so proud!  I'll 
be expecting lots of grandchildren, all right?"

If Nodoka weren't holding him, Ranma would have very well fell over.  Nabiki, 
however, did complete her aborted tumble, thumping onto the floor.

At last, Ranma finally realizes the gravity of the situation. Oh, and Ranma's falling over seems redundant considering Nabiki just fell over a few sentences back. 

The door was closed firmly behind Nodoka, Nabiki's hand on the knob.  
"Ranma," she said with the most even tone of voice she could muster.  "We must have a 
talk.  

This sentence sounds too stilted and stiff for dialogue. Suggest: 'We have to talk.' or 'We need to talk.'

"Then why didn't you?"

"I don't know!"

Heh. Good answer.

They glared at each other for several seconds.  Then something dawned on 
Ranma.  "What are fighting about?"

Nabiki blinked.  "You mean, you haven't figured it out?"

Suggest getting rid of the comma. Seems misplaced. I'd also suggest substituting the comma for the ellipsis if you meant for Nabiki to trail off or pause, but I digress.

Ranma started to open his mouth to fire off a retort, but closed it quickly.  
She was right, after he gave himself a moment to think it over.  The whole "I 
love you" plan in the maze was suppose to be all about revenge; however, it 
backfired.  Nabiki should have been afraid and ran off, but instead she 
insisted on him telling everyone about the wedding that would be held the next day.  
It felt like another trick, but he could not be sure, so he did as she asked, 
watching for her reaction.  She acted nonchalant about his news, which 
disappointed him.  Then he overheard Nabiki converse with Kasumi again about the 
whole wedding plans.  The older sister disproved of her toying with Ranma again, 
while she laughed it off.  "Relax, Kasumi, Ranma doesn't have the balls to 
actually marry anyone.  I'm not worried one bit."  

Ah. The crux. The conflict.

Her comments raised the hackles on the back of his neck.  Again, she was 
manipulating him.  Well, so would he.  Tit for tat.  Point, counterpoint.

Of course, things didn't turn out that way, as evidenced by the 
morning's-correction-afternoon's antics.  So what happened?  Did she really want to marry 
him all this time?  Ridiculous!  But still...

One thing I liked about this fic is its 'identity crisis'. Is it a romantic, Ranma-Nabiki fic? Is it a dramatic fic? Or will it become a soap opera fic with new 'creative' twists and turns? It has lots of possibilities, that's for sure.

Apparently, she must have been a newborn, because none of the expected 
catastrophes happened at all.  Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi...  none of the three showed 
up at all.

Repetition of the word 'all.' I suggest you don't repeat it.

Somewhere in the planning and execution, things went terribly awry, 

and the only hitch that occurred yesterday was her own.  And it was all 
because of her pride, at that.  If she was not so proud, she would have ended the 
ceremonies when it was becoming increasingly clear that no party crashers were 
arriving, and Ranma apparently wanted to be married to her.  Either that, or 
he was baiting her with another lame trick and was incredibly stupid not to 
realize what they were walking into.

Somehow, in fanfiction, Nabiki always gets her comeuppance from Kasumi. Strange coincidence or fanfic convention? You decide. In any case, it helps the plot, and that's a good thing.

In The Bath
"Great, we got drunk," Nabiki muttered to herself as she reclined against the 
furo's tiled walls.  "We got drunk, and we... we..."  She shivered 
unconsciously.  It made her feel so uncomfortable admitting she had not just slept with 
Ranma, but they were so noisy, no one else could sleep either.  She would 
never live it down.  How Akane must have been feeling while having to listen-

~whoosh~ Strike two.

Akane! her mind screamed, rousing Nabiki out of her depressed state.  She 
sleeps in the room adjacent to hers, so she had gotten first-hand knowledge of-

I must say, these are some wonderful, interesting complications to work with here.

She gasped, feeling what little hope she may have had slide into the hot 
water and dissolved completely.  Even if she could get their marriage annulled, 
or, worse comes to worst, divorce Ranma, there was no way her little sister 
could ever truly accept her former fianc� after listening to him make love to 
someone else.  Especially when the "someone else" was her own blood.

The thought of considering Akane's feelings didn't quite occur to her when she was passing flyers of her engagement to Ranma, eh?

"Great, it just gets better and better," she muttered to herself.  Then she 
brightened a little.  "Well, at least the betting pool's cash will be of some 
comfort.  It's not like someone was stupid enough to actually bet on us getting 
married."

I remember Ms. Takahashi has used Kasumi as the punch line 'problem solver' in at least one story (from what I recall, it was the issue where there was a bean-spitting plant that Ranma and the gang can't control, and it was only Kasumi who was able to get rid of it), so I'd say this is a rather believable turn of events (Yeah, I read ahead). Good work.

The other girl paused nervously, clearing her throat very slowly. 
"Twenty-five."

"Twenty-five yen?"

I dunno... She's being overly optimistic here. That's less than a piddly sum in Japan, I reckon. 

The silence that chased after that sentence, those three little words, was 
deafening the middle Tendo daughter.  She, however, was not paying it much 
attention, her concentration completely focused on the younger girl on the other 
end of the phone line.  After what felt like eternity and two days, Nabiki's 
mouth finally began processing the massive traffic jam in her brain.  

I dunno, I just have to comment that I'm not a big fan of your descriptive prose. Sounds stilted, and rather crude. OTOH, other people might like it, and it is technically sound, so it's not that big a deal that one reader finds it unnatural. (shrugs)

"Twenty-five... thousand?"

"Yes."  The answer cemented her thoughts.  Some god or goddess up there must 
really not like her today.

"That's 250,000 yen that person won... How much did we take in yesterday?"

"Including the winner's bet, minus expenses, around 200,000 yen."

It took the married Tendo a minutes

Suggest: ...Tendo a few minutes/a number of minutes...

to collect herself again.  "Now, who, 

exactly, won the bet?"  She had to figure out a way to get that person to forget 
the whole thing; she didn't have 50,000 yen just lying around!  No one was 
suppose to actually bet on her tying the knot in the first place!

"Um... #136. A Kay Tee."

Nabiki paused for a moment.  "Kay Tee?"

Arguably, it's supposed to be "Tee Kay" (Japanese name progression, family name first), but yet again, I'm only nitpicking.

"Never mind that!  Just do it!"  Angrily, she slammed the phone down onto the 
cradle.  She was being mocked again, this time by her own underling!  What 
deity force

I'll say outright that "deity force" sounds awkward enough to be a finishing move of a Capcom fighting game character, and I suggest you revise it.

Her eyes narrowed.  "Bullshit.  25,000 yen is not a bet on future happiness; 
it's a fool's gamble, unless you're privy to some inside information."

My take on it is that 25,000 yen is a paltry sum (correct me if I'm wrong). I dunno... just enough for groceries? But if that's your intention, never mind.

Nabiki took a long moment digesting all that information.  She came to one 
conclusion.  "I think I liked you better when you appeared to be vacuous and 
blissfully unaware of your surroundings."

Um... really? Do _you_ use 'vacuous' in everyday conversation? ^-^ Suggest something that sounds simpler. (Oh well, I'm guilty of this dialogue oversight myself...)

"God damn you, Ranma."  It came out so quietly, Ranma almost missed it.  "You 
did find another aspect of my life to ruin.  You son of a bitch.  Do you 
really hate me that much?" Her voice quivered as she spoke the last sentence.

"What are you talking about?"

"You getting me pregnant."

Well, that's jumping to conclusions. She should make sure and stuff first.

Ranma grinned.  "Everybody knows you can't get pregnant the first time you 
have sex with someone!"

(wince)

"Are you really that stupid, or do you practice everyday?"

"Hey!"

Heh.

"Nabiki," Akane said, her voice trembling slightly.  However, that seemed to 
have been too much for her sister, as she suddenly bolted for her room, 
stumbling and falling all the way up the stairs.  She could only watch her flee the 
room, rooted to the spot on the landing.  Then her eyes landed on Ranma, who 
had a completely lost look about him, eyes darting to the stairwell, and then 
back at her, his mouth moving, but no intelligent words were forthcoming.  She 
rent her eyes from the scene, turning to go back outside.

One of the scenes that gives this fic promise. Just work on the overstated prose, and i think you're all set.

"Akane, wait!"

"I'm going to the dojo, to train, Ranma.  Go to your... your wife... She 
needs you."

And here's another one.

'What do I do now?' Ranma thought to himself, stifling his nonexistent tears 
harshly.  Men don't cry; they fix everything.  The problem was that he didn't 
know where to start.  Perhaps it was time he had a long talk with those that 
have already been through this kind of thing before.

"Now, where did my parents go?"

TBC

Kind of lacking on the 'killer cliffhanger' department, though... despite what Maciej said on your first 'draft', :P

End comments: I would suggest reading other works similar to your theme as research (I have an inkling feeling that this fic has been done before, somewhere over the rainbow). Now, this research will be useful because 1.) It will help you on your prose, which I believe is unnecessarily descriptive and high-handed, 2.) It might be fun for you 3.) It'll help you avoid any potential fanfic cliche's and conventions and 4.) It might give you a new idea or two.

I liked how you handled the characters. I also loved the drama, and the potential of this fic. Despite the prose, and the unnatural thesaurus words some of the characters use (Nabiki doesn't have to over-simply her speech like Ranma does, but she doesn't need to sound like a, say, thesaurus or Viz dub... make her talk like a human being, dammit! :P), the plot flowed reasonably well, and all the expected disasters a Nabiki-Ranma marriage would incur is touched upon in this first chapter. I must admit, you improved somewhat in the second chapter, which I'll be C&Cing quite soon. :)

Keep on writing.

My therapist tells me to not get upset about little errors but to focus on 
creative fixes.  Of course, my therapist also has white fluffy wings growing out 
of her back.
-Piro, Megatokyo's Grand Theft Colo: Otaku City

Ah Megatokyo... less about most other games, more about dating sim games and shojo... 

http://goldenarms.deviantart.com

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