Dunno if I posted these here before.... Been a while.
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The Fanfic Formerly Known As....
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtyeight - The Departed
Fic Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm a lazy, talentless fanfic writer who absolutely
failed to own any of the characters or shows used here. Wah me.
Any questions, such as "why do you do this to us"?
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet.
(No, it doesn't matter where. If it mattered where, then I would be
specific. But as it doesn't matter, then you can just forget about
being pedantic about these things. Like it bloody well matters in
this fanfic). Ahem.... As I said, the middle of a desert. Half-
buried in the top of a dune are the remains of a small home pc.
A minute or so passes before two figures (Ami and Makoto), covered
up against the sun, approach, riding on the backs of camels.
Ami: Do you think these camels worry about how heavy we are?
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I said....
Makoto: I heard what you said.
Ami: Then why didn't you answer?
Makoto: I was thinking.
Ami: You were thinking?
Makoto: Yes. Does that surprise you.
Ami: Well, I guess something has to pass through your nervous
system at some stage.
Makoto: You're lookin' for a punch up the snout, you are.
Ami: There, see. Now you've stopped thinking and switched
back to autonomic reactions.
Makoto: Bitch.
Ami: Slut.
Makoto: Ho.
Ami: Slag.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: So, are you going to answer my question?
Makoto: What question?
Ami: The one about the camels.
Makoto: No. I'm not interested in camels. They're not my type.
Ami: Not that one. The other one.
Makoto: What other one?
Ami: I asked you whether you thought these camels were worried
about how heavy we are.
Makoto: Oh, that question.
Ami: Yes, that question.
Makoto: I see.
Ami: Well, are you going to answer it?
Makoto: Well, I'm not really interested in beastiality, you see,
so I guess the camels will never find out what it is like
to go with a girl on top....
Ami: You're one sick individual, you know that?
Makoto: Its an artform. By the way, do you see that?
Ami: See what?
Makoto points to the pc, half-buried in the sand a few yeards ahead.
Makoto: That.
Ami: Sorry. I was too busy thinking about camels.
Makoto: You should spend less time thinking about camels. It is
why you don't have any friends.
They both bring their camels to a halt, eventually allowing the
beasts to lower themselves to the ground before they dismount. And
after the previous conversation, that sounds really perverted.
They approach the pc and kneel down beside it on either side. After
exchanging glances, they dig the sand away from around the pc and
slowly pull it from the ground. They then dig further as wires
attached to the back of the box show that there are still parts
under the sand. Eventually they extracate a monitor, a keyboard, a
mouse and a portable power supply. Sitting all the parts in place
on the top of the dune, they stare at it, scratching their heads.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I've seen this before, somewhere.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: I can't say how. We're in the middle of a desert, and
we've never been round this part of the world, before.
Ami: I feel as if we've been wandering this desert for years.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: Don't look at me. I'm not paying the late return fee for
the camels.
Ami: Well, it was you who suggested we go by camel through the
desert in the first place.
Makoto: Was it?
Ami: Yes.
Makoto: You must be right. We have been travelling through this
desert for years. My memory has gone right out the
window.
Ami: Don't change the subject. You're paying the late fee and
that is that!
Makoto: You can be so mercernary, sometimes.
Ami: Hanging around you, I'm not surprised.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: You're right, you know. I DO recognise this computer.
It makes me feel really.... I dunno.... odd, for some
reason. As if it were involved in some horrible chapter
of my life that I've tried to forget.
Ami: Must've had fanfics written on it, then.
Makoto: Brrrr.... Spooky.
Ami: Well, should we turn it on?
Makoto: First camels, now computers. You never give up, do you?
Ami: Oh fer fooks sake.... I mean switch the computer on.
Ami gestures to the portable power source.
Ami: There might be power left in this battery.
Makoto: What? Having spent fuck knows how long in the middle of
this desert? I'm surprised if there is any juice left in
the thing.
Ami: You can but try.
Ami hits the switch on the front of the pc, and it whirs into life.
Ami: See. Told you it would work.
Makoto: Did not.
Ami: Semantics. I had more faith in its working than you did.
Makoto: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Ami: You said there wouldn't be any power left in the battery.
Makoto: No I didn't. I said I would be surprised if there was
any left. I didn't say it as the definite article.
Ami: Get a grip, girl.
The pc brings up the Windblows logo, then promptly crashes. Ami
reboots the machine. This time the startup is successful and the
pair are left staring at a plain desktop with a background of six
girls in red and white school uniforms. One of the girls, who
appears to be half the age of the rest, and has a couple of
pigtails, is being hauled and spun about by an annoying looking girl
with dark, shoulder-length hair. Another girl, with a vacuous
smile, is pointing out from the screen, oblvious to what is going
on. A fourth girl, attractive with long brown hair, is adjusting
her glasses, whilst the fifth, the tallest girl with long black
hair, stares out of the screen pensively. The last girl, tanned
with short hair, has a hand over her eyes, as if looking out into
the distance, though there doesn't appear to be much more going on
behind her eyes than the vacuous one.
Ami: Ever seen this mob before?
Makoto: Looks like a pack of newbies, to me.
Ami: Yeah. We shouldn't be too worried about how popular
they'll become. Right?
Makoto: Right.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Damn, we've been out of the loop for a long time.
Makoto: I'm feeling a little less live than I used to be.
Ami: You need a bit of that live action juice we have in the
backpack.
Makoto: Ugh.... Can't stand the stuff, myself. Makes you act
all kinda.... Well, kinda bad.
Ami: Yeah, but it gives you the much needed exposure.
Makoto: I'm about as exposed as I like to be, thanks very much.
Now where were we...?
Makoto moves the mouse and clicks on one of the few icons available.
Ami: That was great, doing that without a mousepad, and on
fine sand.
Makoto: I have many talents.
A window opens with a single file. The file is listed as "The
Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 38.doc". Ami and Makoto swallow
rather heavily.
Makoto: Holy shit! This is HIS machine.
Ami: I always wondered what happened to him.
Makoto: That evil bastard! The one who kept killing us out of
the blue.
Ami: Now I know where we are.
Makoto looks at Ami for a moment.
Makoto: What do you mean?
Ami: Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Ami gestures to the desert around them.
Ami: This is the Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent
Continent.
Makoto: Oh shit.
Ami: This place is as dry of plot, characterisation and ideas
as the Disney art department.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
They both look at each other for several moments, then back down at
the pc.
Makoto: I always knew he'd end up here, one day. You can't keep
churning out new ideas without ever finishing them and
not end up wandering into this place.
Ami: What shall we do?
Makoto: We should bury this again. If it spends too much time in
the sun, he might be resurrected.
Ami: Oh hell, yes. Nobody would want that to happen.
Makoto: Well, I certainly can think of one person who wouldn't.
Ami: Careful. No lighting fires.
Makoto: In the middle of a desert? What would I be burning?
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Quickly, now.
They both place the pc and its parts into the depression in the sand
from which it emerged, then push sand over it until it is completely
covered. They stand back, brushing the sand from their hands.
Makoto: Should one of us say a few words?
Ami: Like what?
Makoto: Like "Here lies a total bastard who should never have
been given access to anime and a wordprocessor, long may
he be dead"?
Ami: Sounds about right to me. Quick, lets get outta here
before we run into any more wandering fanfic writers.
They both start walking back to their camels, when a hand emerges
from the sand where the pc was buried. They freeze and look at each
other with fear, then turn back to the hand. A strange gurgling
sound echoes across the dunes as a dusty and dishevelled figure
lifts itself from the sand.
DDFA: Bugger. Looks like I overslept.
DDFA brushes down the front of his tattered shirt. He then notices
Ami and Makoto.
DDFA: Hi there. Can you tell me where I am? I seem to have
had a bit of a Ryouga kind of day.
Ami and Makoto scream and run back to their camels. Quickly hopping
on, they jerk at the leads to get the camels standing, and take off
across the dunes at speeds faster than any camel is designed for.
DDFA watches them go, bewildered.
DDFA: Well, that was a bit unnecessary, I must say. What did
you think, Minako? Minako?
DDFA turns back to where a smaller pair of hands is trying to lift a
body from the sand. DDFA runs over and hauls Minako from the sand.
She lets out a long sigh of relief.
Minako: That's better. You don't know how dark it is down there.
DDFA: Yes I do. I was down there myself a minute ago.
Minako: Oh, that's right. Forgot.
DDFA: Anyway.... Ami and Makoto were here a second ago. I was
going to ask them if they wanted employment for part 39,
but they ran screaming for some reason. On camels, even.
Minako: Bugger. You mean we still can't meet up? After 38
parts, after all this time?
DDFA: Looks that way.
Minako: Well, you're just going to have to get back home and
continue writing this laughingly-described fanfic.
DDFA: Yeah yeah yeah.
DDFA reaches down into the sand and pulls the pc back out, bits and
all. He then ties the pc to his back with his strap.
DDFA: See you in part 39. Don't forget to bring the snarf.
Minako: I won't.
DDFA wanders off through the desert. Minako brushes some sand from
her hair and stares across the desert, seeing what appears to be a
small caravan approaching.
Minako: I wonder who that might be....
END OF PART 38
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Will this chapter mark a return to the writing sphere for DDFA? Is
the world running in terror, screaming at the very thought? Is
there really a Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent Continent,
and if so, what does it have to do with the British spy series,
Spooks? Will Minako ever meet anyone she is supposed to, and does
anybody really care? None of this and more in the next overlate
chapter of that unheralded classic (because it ain't true) "The
Fanfic Formerly Known As....". Not available in High Definition
Digital Television. Ever. Hopefully.
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
SNARF 1.0 - Monday 14th July 2003
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The Fanfic Formerly Known As....
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtynine - The Front
Fic Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm a lazy, talentless fanfic writer who absolutely
failed to own any of the characters or shows used here. Wah me.
Any questions, such as "why do you do this to us"?
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet.
No, it still doesn't matter what part of the planet. Just imagine
a section of Earth in your head, and leave it there. If you don't,
you'll catch scabies, or something very much like it.
Minako is standing on top of a dune, next to a pair of trousers much
too large for her, staring across the desert at an approaching
caravan. (You know, the desert type with lots of camels and such
that you see in all those cheesy arabian-style movies.... Not the
kind you hitch to the back of your car and go on long trips to the
country with....)
Minako: I wonder who that might be....
The caravan is made up of a dozen camels and dromedaries, all of
which are carrying two people and their belongings. On the first of
these camels sits Koenma-sama, who brings the caravan to a halt with
a wave of a hand. Sitting behind him is Usagi, who is rubbing her
eyes with disbelief.
Usagi: Its a mirage. Has to be.
Koenma: Naw, tis the real thing, lassie.
Minako facefaults.
Minako: A scottish god of the underworld....
Koenma: Kin ye think of someone better ta be the god of the
underworld, noo lassie?
Minako: ....
Koenma: ....
Minako: ....
Koenma: Don't try n' think too hard 'bout it, then.
Usagi: This is Minako. She doesn't think.
Koenma: Ah.... fergot 'bout that.
Minako: Don't mind me, or anything.
Usagi: Okay. We won't.
Minako: At least I'm not dead.
Usagi: Not yet, you're not.
Minako: What the hell are you doing in the middle of the desert?
And what the hell are all those weird things on all the
other camels?
Minako points to all the cute anime critters sitting on various
other camels.
Mokona: Puu....
ChuChu: Chu.... Chu chu....
Maya: Niyaaaoooo.
Kuroneko: Nyaa.
Otosan: Yo!
Tama: Niii?
Kero-chan: I knew I should have tried out for Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire. This gig is a complete and utter dump.
Mokona: Puu....
Kero-chan: Easy for you to say.
Usagi and Koenma look back at the critters and shrug.
Koenma: Well, we're refugees from ah fanfic. What do you expect?
Minako: Oh, I see....
Koenma: ....
Usagi: ....
Minako: ....
Koenma: ....
Usagi: She's standing by a pair of trousers too big for her.
Minako looks down at the trousers.
Minako: Oh, those. They must be DDFA's
Usagi: ....
Koenma: ....
Minako: ....
Usagi: ....
Koenma: ....
Minako: What?
Usagi: You're getting a bit desperate in your old age, aren't
you?
Minako: What? What do you mean?
A light pings on in Minako's head, and she gets a clue.
Minako: Why you....
Koenma: Now now, lassies, theres no need for this.
Whilst this has been going on, several of the camels have lowered
themselves to the ground, and one of the human riders has
dismounted. The shortish figure, covered in robes for protection
from the glare of the sun, walks over to the trousers and kneels
down to them. Minako, Koenma and Usagi watch. The figure turns
to Minako, and she can see that it is a girl her own age, with dark
hair and an utterly vacuous expression.
Osaka: Why do they call these "pants" AND "trousers"? Surely
just one name would be okay.
Minako: I.... Uh.... I've never thought about it.
Koenma: Careful, Minako. She's an expert in the martial art of
Baka-Do. She can lower your IQ by fifty points with the
merest glance.
Usagi: Of course, Minako doesn't have a lot left to lose, so she
has to be extra careful.
Minako: Bitch.
Usagi: Slut.
Osaka tugs on Minako's arm, rediverting her attention.
Osaka: Some of these "trousers" are called "jeans". Are they
made from human DNA?
Minako: Umm.... No, that's completely different.
Osaka: Completely different.
Osaka looks at the trousers.
Osaka: Different.
Minako: ....
Osaka: ....
Minako: ....
Osaka: ....
Minako: My god.... I can FEEL my brain melting out of my ears.
Koenma: Don't say ah didn't warn ye, lassie.
Usagi: That's just overrun from before.
Minako: Bitch.
Usagi: Slut.
Mokona: Puu.
Usagi: Shutup.
Mokona: PUUUUU!!! (Angry)
Osaka: ....
Minako: ....
Osaka looks back up at Minako.
Osaka: Then what are "stone-washed" and "cut-offs"?
Minako collapses to the sand.
Minako: Lord, preserve us....
Osaka: These trousers don't have a belt.
Minako: I know. The owner used the belt to tie his computer to
his back.
Osaka: His computer?
Minako: Yes, you know.... The boxes that go "bing".
Osaka: My computer at home doesn't go "bing".
Minako: Oh really?
Osaka: I can't find the "on" switch to begin with.
Minako: ....
Osaka: But at least it looks pretty, sitting in the corner of
my room.
Minako: ....
Osaka: Chiyo-chan once found the "on" switch, but I forgot where
it was.
Minako: ....
Osaka: She says I should use a different system on my machine.
I didn't understand what she meant. Something about the
window and an emmy....
Minako: ....
Osaka: Why a window would win an emmy award is beyond me,
though.
Minako: ....
Osaka: Although it would probably be a better choice than many
of the eligible actors.
Minako: Hell.... I am in hell....
Osaka: Do you think these trousers would fit my computer?
Koenma: That's enough, Osaka. Get back on your camel.
Osaka: Okay. ^_^
Osaka stands and happily plods back to her camel.
Koenma: So, lassie. Ya said these trousers belong ta DDFA, did
ye?
Minako: My brain.... My brain....
Koenma: oh, get up, lassie! You're not dead yet.
Minako struggles to her feet.
Minako: I can't remember. I can't remember anything.
Usagi: Condition normal, then.
Minako: Bitch.
Usagi: Slut.
Koenma: Thass enough, from the both of ye! Minako, you get up
on one of the camels. You can probably guide us to
wherever it is that DDFA has got himself. We've been
left hanging on a plot thread and we need resolution, or
we might be wandering the desert for all eternity!
Minako: My brain.... My brain....
Minako starts to wander towards one of the camels, then realises
that Osaka is already sitting on it, smiling at her vacuously.
Minako: Oh no.... I'm not getting on the camel with her.
Koenma: Oh, come on lassie.... Tis the only camel left with room
on it.
Usagi: SUUUCKEEERRRRR!
Minako: Bitch.
Usagi: Slut.
Minako: If I get on the camel with her, I won't be able to
remember anything.
Koenma: Oh, you'll be surprised. Osaka there is our best
tracker. She doesn't let a thing distract her.
Minako: That's because she doesn't have a nervous system to
distract.
Usagi: Then you should fit in together perfectly.
Minako: What is it with you, today?
Usagi: Call it necrotic angst. I've been dead for a while and
I'm looking for the bastard fanfic writer who made me
this way so he can bring me back to life. Why the hell
else would I be so pissed off? I mean, it isn't as if
you've got nothing better to do than keep people waiting
for the end of the bloody fanfic. I mean, it USED to be
called "Waiting For Minako"! You kept everyone waiting
so bloody long that the writer had to change the title!
Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble.
Koenma: Don't you be mindin' her, lassie. She's just pissed off
that we only have black jellybeans to eat. It was all we
could salvage from the ruins of Hades.
Minako: B.... black jellybeans?
Koenma: Yah. Aniseed flavour. Sucks big time.
Minako's head starts to spin as she wanders over to the lowered
camel where Osaka is waiting. She gets on in front of Osaka, who
holds out a brown paper bag.
Osaka: Black jellybean?
Minako: ....
Osaka: ....
Minako: Uhh.... No thanks. I'm trying to give them up.
Osaka: Really? Don't you like them?
Minako: Not much, no.
Osaka: That's bigoted jellybeanism, you know. I should report
you.
Minako: They're sugar, gelatine and artificial colouring and
flavouring. I don't think people are going to be too
worried about their feelings.
Osaka looks hurt.
Osaka: But they're my friends. I talk to them every day,
telling them how good it is for them to be jellybeans,
how they are very talented and loved, and that they
have a bright future....
Minako: Before you eat them.
Osaka: Well, there is a downside to everything.
Minako sighs and points off in a direction as the camel rises to its
feet once more.
Minako: He went off in that direction, I seem to remember.
Koenma: Very well. Let us hope your memory and Osaka's tracking
skills are enough for us to find him.
Usagi: We're doomed.
Minako: You're already dead. What do you have to worry about?
Usagi: Hmph.
Koenma gestures to the caravan and they move out, leaving the pair
of trousers behind. A minute or so later, there is a rumbling
sound, and a line develops across the dunes, as if something is
tunneling its way towards the trousers. When it reaches them,
Takino Tomo leaps from the ground, in her PE gear.
Tomo: GOOOOAAAALLLL!
She then pauses and looks around.
Tomo: Oh.... They're gone.
She clenches a fist.
Tomo: That wasn't very nice of them. I'm just going to have
to TEACH THEM A LESSON!!!!
She puts her hands on her hips and begins to laugh maniacally.
Tomo: Nobody can escape Takino Tomo, international idol and
world-reknowned intellect.
Otosan: Yo!
Tomo jumps in surprise, then gives the large, floating cat-like
thing a dubious stare.
Tomo: Where did you come from?
Otosan: Where do you think I came from?
Tomo: Uhhh....
Tomo thinks. This takes a while, so we'll cut to a random scene
from another DDFA fanfic....
----o
There was another creaking sound, this time closer. Both
girls turned towards the doorway.
"There IS someone in here." Rei clutched Hotaru's arm.
"That was too soft to be a footstep."
"But there is someone, or something, moving through the
residence....." Rei was on the edge of panic. "I don't want to
end up like Makoto.... Oh KAMI no...."
Rei stood and started to back away, her arm held by Hotaru.
"No, Mars. If there is someone in here, we must FIGHT them."
Something brushed against the door, and they both turned,
trembling with fear and anticipation.
"Mars? Saturn? What are you doing in a dark room?"
"We've been looking for you everywhere."
Both Senshi looked down at the two small feline figures
that stood in the doorway.
"Luna... Artemis... thank KAMI it's only you." Hotaru
answered, breathing a sigh of relief.
"ONLY us?" Luna frowned. "What on Earth has been going
on here?"
Before Hotaru could answer, she felt Rei's arm go limp, and
turned in surprise as the fire senshi fainted, falling to the floor.
"Mars!" Hotaru managed to grab her before her head hit. She
cradled Rei, gently lowering her head down as Luna and Artemis ran
to her side.
"You really MUST explain to me what has been going on. We
can't seem to find anyone."
----o
As you can tell, there is this fairly consistent theme is DDFA
fanfics.... Anyway, Tomo finally complete her thinking.
Tomo: Mars!
Otosan: You think I came from Mars?
Tomo: Haaaaiii! You're floating like an alien would, and you
look weird, so you must be an alien from Mars!
Otosan: Are you saying I look weird?
Otosan starts to change into weird colours, shaking as if he is
going to explode. Tomo back away nervously.
Tomo: Well, not weird for an alien.
Otosan returns to normal.
Otosan: Well, that is alright, then.
Tomo: So, where did you come from?
Otosan: That caravan on the dune over there.
He points.
Otosan: They left me behind whilst I was taking a leak. Now
excuse me.... I've got to catch them up.
And with that, he floats away. Tomo watches him go, scratching
her head.
Tomo: Must be Tuesday.
She turns and sighs.
Tomo: Now I have to dig all the way back to school. I
shouldn't have made that bet with Sakaki-san that I could
dig my way to America.
She clenches her fist, looking determined.
Tomo: But I got there first! When I arrived, she was nowehere
to be found. There were a lot of FBI and CIA counter-
terrorist guys, though. They must've been after someone
who looks like me. Ah well, whatever. I got there
first, so that's all that matters.
Cut to another scene. Sakaki-san, sitting high in a tree, somewhere
in the Rockies. She has a dreamy expression on her face as a mother
squirrel and her babies sleep in her lap.
Cut back to Tomo.
Tomo: Ah well, I better lie down and have a nap before I start
my way back....
She spots something approaching in the distance.
Tomo: I wonder what this can be....
END OF PART 39
TO BE CONTINUED....
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Is Tomo really in the middle of the desert? Does Osaka have the
ability to make peoples' brains melt? Is Sakaki up a tree with a
family of squirrels? Will the caravan ever find DDFA? What has
happened to Ami and Makoto? Will the fanfic ever get away from this
bloody sand dune? Is all the sand used in this fic little more than
offcuts from David Lynch's film version of Dune? Is there enough
legs in a movie about the life and times of sand? Will it be called
"SAND: THE MOVIE"? And why would anyone make a movie about sand?
Little of any of this, and even less, in the next distracting
chapter of this utterly utter saga, "The Fanfic Formerly Known
As....". There can be only one, McLeod!!!!
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
SNARF 1.0 - Tuesday 15th July 2003
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The Fanfic Formerly Known As....
(aka "Whatever S**t Enters The Writer's Head)
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Forty - The Back
(And you thought you'd never see the back of this fic)
Fic Rating: PG-13
Usual disclaimer about all the series I've been ripping off with
this fic. You know what they are. Or at least you should. If
you don't, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! Whatever. If I'm sued for
this, they won't be getting much out of me, cos I don't have much
to my name. Or stuff like that.
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Scene: An office. Usagi is sitting at the desk, dressed in a
business suit, reading out aloud a book entitled "Chinese for
Advertising Women". There is a knock and she pauses, looking at the
door.
Usagi: Come in.
Chibiusa opens the window, steps in and sits down in the chair on
the opposite side of the desk as Usagi puts the book down, waiting
for the door to open. She then realises that Chibiusa is there and
turns to her.
Usagi: Ah. There you are, Usa.
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.
Usagi: Shutup. I'd like to have a word with you, Usa.
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.
Usagi: Shutup. Now I want to talk about your advertising
campaign for Tokyopop Comics. Now, I've had the Editor
in Chief over this morning and he's unhappy. Very
unhappy. In fact he shot himself.
Chibiusa: Badly?
Usagi: No, extremely well, actually.
Usagi reaches down and lifts up Stu Levy's leg from behind the desk,
then holds up a sign that says joke, then puts both back down.
Usagi: Well, before he went, he left a note with the company
secretary....
Usagi opens up a large cupboard next to the desk and grabs the note
from the body of the company secretary as he falls to the floor.
Usagi: ....The upshot of which was how disappointed he was with
your work, and why you had changed the name of his
product from Tokyopop Comics to Tokyopop Leprosy. Why
Usa?
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.
Usagi: Shutup. Why did you do it?
Chibiusa: Errr.... it was a joke.
Usagi holds up the joke sign again.
Usagi: A joke?
Chibiusa: Err, no. A sales campaign.
Usagi: I see.
Usagi puts down the sign and stands, stepping over to the wall where
there in a rather sick looking sales chart, with the line steadily
heading downwards.
Usagi: Well, lets look at the sales chart, shall we?
She points to the top of the line.
Usagi: When you took over this account, Usa, Tokyopop
Comics was market leader. This was when you started
your first campaign, "Tokyopop Comics brings new
meaning to the word vomit".
Usagi points to the next downward turn of the line.
Usagi: Here is where you made your introductory offer of a free
dead pikachu with every issue. And this followed your
second campaign in which you said "The exciting comic
that brings you new cholera, mange, crabs, HIV, scabies,
syphilis, the clap and athletes head, from the House of
Tokyopop.
Chibisa: It was a soft sell, ma'am.
Usagi sighs and sits back down.
Usagi: Why, Usa?
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.
Usagi: Shutup! Well?
Chibiusa: Well, people know the name.
Usagi: They certainly do know the name, they burnt their
offices down this morning. The owner is hiding in my
bathroom.
There is a gunshot.
Usagi: The owner WAS hiding is my bathroom.
Chibiusa: You're not going to fire me, are you?
Usagi: Fire you!?!? Three men dead, the office burnt to the
ground, the account lost and our firm completely
bankrupt! What can you possibly say? What excuse can
you make for all of this?
Chibiusa: Sorry, Mama.
Usagi: Oh, well, that's alright then.
Usagi gets up and walks over to a wall, where she pulls down a small
projector screen.
Usagi; Oh, and by the way.... Your film's won a prize.
On the Screen: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet.
Are you still worried where the desert might be? Try somewhere
within the head of the writer. It is called the right hemisphere.
Well, it IS in the Lack of Talent Continent.
Takino Tomo is standing on a dune, next to a pair of trousers (which
have little to do with anything that follows, so forget about them).
Tomo seems satisfied that she has beaten Sakaki in tunneling her way
to America.
Tomo: Ah well, I better lie down and have a nap before I start
my way back....
She spots something approaching in the distance.
Tomo: I wonder what this can be....
Meanwhile, back at the wall in Tokyo, Honda Tohru is standing
around, waiting.
Tohru: ....
Wall: ....
Tohru: ....
Wall: ....
Tohru: ....
Wall: ....
Sena Robin, craft user extraordinaire and resident introvert, still
wearing the gothic black dress that you KNOW isn't likely to hide
her in a crowd as she often wants, approaches Tohru.
Robin: I'm here to replace you.
Tohru: Really? I was just musing about all the different anime
characters this wall has seen over the years.
Robin: ....
Tohru: I mean, Vash the Stampede was here just yesterday, and he
didn't destroy a thing. Such a nice man, that Vash.
Robin: ....
Tohru: It is a pity I'm not rostered on until next week. I
would really like to commune with this wall a bit more.
It has so much to say.
Robin: ....
Tohru: You know, you remind me of someone.
Robin: ....
Tohru: You wouldn't know Hana-chan, by any chance?
Robin: I think I hunted her down the other day.
Tohru: Really? I wondered why she didn't call. Anyway, been
nice meeting you. I've gotta go pick up some petfood.
Robin: ....
Tohru happily wanders away, in her own world, as Robin watches her
go. Robin then turns and stares at the wall.
Robin: Is this what life has reduced me to?
Wall: ....
Robin: ....
Wall: ....
Robin: ....
Wall: ....
Robin: Shutup, you!
Wall: -_-;;
Meanwhile, back in the desert, Tomo is lying on the ground, staring
at the sky, before realising that she is back on.
Tomo: Oh, you're back, are you?
She jumps up and brushes the sand from her PE gear.
Tomo: Well, its about time, too. I mean, how long are you
going to keep me waiting for these people on the horizon
to approach me?
Meanwhile, back at the wall in To....
Tomo: Wha?!?! You're just going to cut away like that? What
a crock! I want my scene, dammit!
Well, you seemed more interested in complaining, so we thought....
Tomo: I don't care what you thought! I'm Takino Tomo, world-
reknowned beauty and idol. HUZZAH!
Tomo leaps into the air, spinning around and lights glitter around
her.
Tomo: One day, I will rule the world.
Yeah, right.
Tomo lands on the ground and grabs the author by the collar....
Hey, waitaminute.... Why am I writing this against myself?
Tomo: You don't have a choice. BWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Tomo shakes the author.
Tomo: Now give me my scene! The one I've been waiting for
since the end of the last chapter.
Oh alright.... Tomo lets go and stares out across the dune as two
figures on the back of camels approach her.
Yume: I'm really really sorry.... I didn't mean for our series
to run twelve episodes with absolutely nothing happening.
Angela: ....
Yume: I'm so sorry about the claw, too. I'll try and comb it
down with hair gel tomorrow.
Angela: ....
Yume: And I'm so sorry my magic sucks so much. Oh Kami-sama,
all this angst is making me feel all giddy....
Angela: ....
Yume: And I'm so sorry Angela doesn't say much. They were
paying her seiyuu by the word.
Angela: ....
Yume: Ack! I think my brain has sprung a leak.
Angela: There is someone....
Yume: Eh?
Angela: There.
Angela points to Tomo, who is now sitting on the dune, her arms and
legs crossed, apparently pissed off that her scene amounts to
roughly no lines.
Yume: I wonder if she is as lost in this desert as we are....
Angela: ....
Yume: Should we have her tag along with us?
Angela: Hai. Anything would be better than listening to your
constant apologising.
Yume: That's a lie! I don't keep apologising.
Angela: Now now, temper temper.
Yume: Sorry.
Angela: ....
Yume: ....
Angela: ....
Yume: You tricked me.
Angela shrugs and guides her camel over to Tomo. Tomo looks up at
her with a self-absorbed, not entirely with-it expression.
Angela: ....
Tomo: ....
Angela: Get on.
Tomo: ....
Angela: ....
Tomo jumps to her feet, pointing at Angela.
Tomo: BLOND HAIR!
Angela: ....
Yume: I'm so sorry her hair is blond.
Tomo: Are you offering me a ride?
Yume: Ah.... hai. I'm sorry that we didn't make it clear.
Yume guides her camel next to Angela's.
Tomo: Whoooo.... You have camels. I didn't know they were so
big.
Angela: Are you going to hop on?
Tomo: I know you from somewhere....
Tomo thinks. As I said before, this takes a while, so we'll cut
back to the wall in Tokyo. Robin is nowhere to be seen.
Wall: ....
Tokyo: ....
Wall: ....
Tokyo: ....
Wall: So, as I was saying, people seem to have this problem
with leaving me alone. I mean, not a moment seems to go
by, these days, without someone trying to camp out next
to me. In those early days, it was all those bloody
Sailor Senshi. Now almost anyone seems to hang out here.
Tokyo: I see, I see. Well, that would be a problem. One I
understand well. I mean, I've had millions of the
buggers crawling over me for years.
Wall: Sounds awful. Have you tried any lotions, or anything.
Tokyo: Well, I was talking to San Francisco the other day, and
they said that I should try an earthquake, followed by a
wholesale collapse into the ocean. It sounds promising,
but there is a problem....
Wall: What?
Tokyo: I'll drown.
Wall: Well, yes, granted, that would be a problem.
Part of Tokyo explodes in a ball of flame.
Tokyo: OW!
Wall: What was that?
Tokyo: The bastards are at it again. I tell you, I get trashed
more than any other city in the world. It just isn't
fair!
Wall: Shhh.... There is someone coming.
Both the wall and Tokyo fall silent as a young schoolgirl with bits
of weaponry sticking out of her approaches the wall.
Wall: Aww shit, not HER again.
Chise stops by the wall, staring at it.
Chise: It is a good thing I'm so stupid, otherwise I might start
mourning the deaths of all those people I just killed.
She looks around.
Chise: Wait a minute.... Wasn't Robin supposed to be here? It
was her shift....
She looks back at the wall.
Chise: So, where has she gone?
Wall: ....
Chise: ....
Wall: ....
Chise: ....
Wall: ....
Chise points a railgun at the wall.
Chise: I said "where has she gone"?
Wall: Don't ask me. I'm a wall. I can't talk, remember?
Chise lowers the gun and giggles.
Chise: Oh, sorry about that. I'm so stupid, I keep forgetting
the basics.
Wall: Well, as long as you remember not to blast me into
oblivion. I'm an important part of this fic.
Chise: Yeah, well....
Chise turns around as her weapons disappear, leaving a normal
schoolgirl with half her uniform trashed. She sits down and leans
against the wall.
Chise: I wonder where Robin has got to....
Meanwhile, back in the desert....
Tomo: I know.... You're Sena Robin, aren't you!
Angela: ....
Yume: I'm sorry she isn't saying anything.
Tomo: She doesn't say much as Robin either. A real party
animal!
Angela: ....
Yume: I think you've upset her.
Yume bows to Angela.
Yume: I apologise for her behaviour.
Tomo: What are you apologising for? She's the one who isn't
saying anything.
Tomo jumps onto Angela's camel and pokes a finger into her forehead.
Tomo: Your seiyuu is chickenshit! Nya nya nya.
Angela: Silence.
There is a glow around Tomo, and a cheesily CG animated cross with
wings passes through her. Tomo opens her mouth and finds she
doesn't have a voice anymore.
Tomo: ....
Yume: Angela! That was rude! Apologise to her for that and
give her back her voice!
Angela: I'm sure you can do all of my apologising for me.
Yume: That's not fair! I don't keep apologising.
Angela: Yes you do.
Yume: Oh.... I do, don't I? Sorry.
Tomo's face screws up in anger and she grabs Angela's hair, pulling
it clean off. Underneath there is brown hair, tied up in crude,
stiff, ribboned pigtails. Tomo gestures in triumph.
Yume: Angela-san.... You ARE Robin, after all.
Robin: Bugger....
Robin grabs the blond wig back and reattaches it to her head,
becoming Angela again.
Meanwhile, in Tokyo....
Chise: She's probably off somewhere, having a more interesting
scene than this one....
Chise looks down at the ground.
Chise: This isn't fair. The world is in danger if I exist, and
they expect me to turn up once a week to look after this
wall.... I could wipe out all life, and nobody seems to
care. I wish I could just disappear....
Boogiepop: Did someone call me?
Chise looks up and sees another schoolgirl in a large hat and
elaborate cloak with lots of straps and buckles.
Chise: Oh bugger.... This fic is about to go non-linear....
Boogiepop: ....
Chise: ....
Boogiepop: ....
Chise: ....
Boogiepop: I so need another job. This one just doesn't pay enough.
Chise: You think you have problems.
Boogiepop sniffs and poses dramatically.
Boogiepop: You are a danger to this world. I can't have you
wandering Earth, destroying things as you please.
Chise: I already said that, in a roundabout way. Please come up
with better lines.
Boogiepop: Look, do you want to do this?
Chise: Sorry, the hat wouldn't fit.
Boogiepop: Hmph! I have only one thing to say to you....
Chise: What?
Boogiepop: ....
Chise: ....
Boogiepop: ....
Chise: ....
Boogiepop: Does the hat and cloak make me look fat?
END OF PART 40
TO BE CONTINUED (BAD LUCK)....
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Will Chise be "taken away" by Boogiepop? Does this mean the entire
fic will now be shaded in a sepia tone, and does the very thought
give you the shits? Is Angela really Robin is disguise? Will Ami
and Makoto ever reappear, as they are supposed to be the main
characters. Will Yume ever stop apologising? Did Chise give her
the apologising bug in the first place? Will Tomo ever stop being
an annoying prat? Has the writer any plan for this fic whatsoever?
The answers to, just perhaps, maybe, if you absolutely must put
money on it, some of these questions in the next chapter of this
squishy, chewy and slightly tangy fanfic called "The Fanfic Formerly
Known As....", due sometime between now and the end of the world.
Please don't leave the lights on when Chise makes things go kaboom!
The electricity bill will be enormous.
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
SNARF 1.0 - Thursday 24th July 2003
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