Kit Su awoke, blinking at the strange flaring lights, the rhythmic pulsing
red washing over her accompanied by a soft gentle thrum. Instinctively she
reached for it, fingers encountering only glass; cold, chilly glass a far
cry from the comfortable safe warmth of the liquid around her. Beyond it
she could see blurry figures, men she thought, but they weren't wearing
white, They were wearing black and mumbling to each other, herding the
others, the white ones into a corner. Until at last a new white one
approached and looking at her smiled. "Save this one" he said, though the
sounds that reached her ears were muffled and fuzzy, incomprehensible just
like all the others.
"The rest are expendable." Dr. Xander said in an uninflected tone. "Dispose
of them, and the lab." Turning he was stepping into the cold white tiled
hall to the loud buzz of an emergency alert, the hallway looking somehow
demonic beneath the red warning strobes when as automatic gunfire erupted
behind him, eliminating the rebel scientists and their dangerously liberal
views on genetic experimentation. In less than half an hour the demolitions
experts would have done the same for the installation. And in an hour he
would be the only one left with their data, and only viable specimen to
examine.
*************
After a long frightening journey through darkness the only sound a trembling
rumble the light returned and I was again warm, safe and happy for a time.
The men in white returned, familiar blurry shapes moving about in a familiar
droning hum of background sound. Slowly the panic and fear of the trip
dimmed in my memory, half remembered feelings without consequence because
they weren't real. Nothing was real to me, at least until the discomfort
began.
It started as a chill, the gentle liquid surrounding me beginning to grow
cold. I curled up, hugging my arms and legs together in a ball trying to
stay warm. I watched the men outside as they moved around, many more of
them than I had ever seen at one time. Then came the pull. It reminded me
slightly of the darkness and noise. I panicked, afraid that it was
happening again. I was pulled down, my hands grasping desperately at the
smooth surface of my home to no avail. The liquid drained away leaving me
to lay weakly against the ground shivering in fear as I felt my world pour
away. Cold air brushed against my damp skin pouring mercilessly into my
mouth and lungs. Everywhere this cold air brought goose bumps to my skin.
It seemed to push me down into the hard smooth floor of my home. Dragging
me down, pulling at my limbs as I tried to move weakly against it. I
coughed and cried, struggling weakly as liquid poured from my lips, gasping
in breaths of air that seemed to burn and stab at my chest. I lay limp, my
only movement the wracking coughing of this new unimagined ache in my lungs.
It seemed to last for eternity until it had become the whole of my world.
Finally the biting knives in my chest subsided leaving me to lay there in a
tangled heap and I bravely opened my eyes.
The world was bright, too bright, everything sharp and painful to look at.
The men in white were all different! One was a bit taller, another one had
dark hair yet another had dusky skin. And one was standing over me smiling,
his teeth showing in an almost frightening display of dominance. I didn't
know then what that smile meant. I only knew somehow that it was all his
fault, He was the one responsible for taking me away from the warm, safety
of the tube. I will never forget the first thing I smelled outside the
tank. It smelled sharp with a chemical tang, but with a dry cold undertone
that made me want to hide. Then I felt the touch of his skin on mine,
incongruously soft and warm before a sharp prick and blackness swallowed up
Dr. Xander's smile.
*******
At first I was a quiet child, silent as I lay curled on the soft corner of
my room. It was small, like a closet but bright. The walls were all white
and padded with perfect corners to curl up in and stay warm. I remember
being cold, cold despite my fur, and often I was hungry or thirsty, I didn't
understand why sometimes they were kind but I listened to their voices.
Back and forth they would talk, and it slowly dawned on me that the sounds
they made meant something. I learned that if I copied them I could get
food, or water. That the men would step through the white padded door and
come and look after me. That's how I got my first blanket. It was soft,
blue, and full of smells. Not the tangy smell of the men or the room, but
of something else, comforting smells of a home. Then I learned another
reason to speak. Pain, but even though I would make noise as loudly as I
could they wouldn't stop. Eventually I earned a gag, but that didn't keep
them from continuing.
********
It started small, I was finally warm, my fur soft and comfortable to curl up
in. The chill sterile air finally defeated by my blankie. Then Dr. Xander
came, with others, to cut my fur. They pulled me out of my warm corner and
strapped me to a gurney. As they rolled me through the monotonous halls I
could think of nothing else than that I was being moved again, the thick
scent of the orderlies determination making a sickening undertone to Dr.
Xanders indifference, the same dry undertone making their scents somehow
worse. I began to protest, using one of the few sounds I understood. "No"
They did not listen. They transferred me to a cold slab and held me down to
be shaved. After struggling to no avail I grew still and watched my soft
fur falling to the tile floor. It fell gently slowly drifting back and
forth on its way down almost entrancingly. When they finished my skin
pricked at the least breeze in the room. They let me wrap my arms tight
around and huddle against the chill. I felt one grasp my arm tightly before
hearing a snap then a sharp smell burned my nose. Dr. Xander wiped my arm
with a wet cloth, it felt like water but stung, then the suffering began.
I woke up strapped to a cold steel table. The lights were too bright in my
eyes, drowning out details other than the shadowed form of machinery and the
dry scent of Dr. Xander as he leaned over me his face partially obscured by
the black curls of his hair and light reflecting off tiny rectangular
glasses. I don't know just how long I was on that table, or another like it
over the next days, or weeks. All I do remember is the sharp prick of
needles, the cool lines of fire from knives against my skin and the varied
hum of machines, countless machines, all of them too cold or too warm,
making me stay still or move to exhaustion, and never padded. At last I
found myself back in my cell, my soft padded room with my light blue
blankie, and a bowl of water.
When next a man came for me it was not with the heartless scent of Dr.
Xander it was a new man who entered my room. I cowered in the corner
hissing at him, but he didn't try to take me away to the tables again, or
call for more help. He just closed the door sat down and waited. It's very
unnerving to have someone more than twice your size just sit and watch you.
Eventually you can't keep up the hissing. I think I realized he just didn't
care, he wasn't afraid of me. I was too small to hurt him, and too
exhausted from the tests.
At last he began to speak, soft nice sounding words. I listened closely but
he didn't say TEST or EXPERIMENT, or even Examination. Just soft comforting
words as he slowly one small inch at a time came closer. By the time I
realized he was within reach it was too late to run away. He had trapped me
in the corner, his hand reaching out for me so I bit him. The really
frustrating thing was he didn't seem to mind, he just flinched once before
continuing to speak. Reaching out with his other hand he started to gently
brush his fingers through the wisps of my returning fur. It felt nice. I
tried to chew harder but he didn't go away even when I could feel his warm
blood spilling over my tongue. His fingers did feel kind of nice so finally
I let go, looking up at him the coppery taste of his blood in my mouth,
confusion evident in my eyes as he smiled patting my head. "That's okay. I
won't hurt you." For some reason I could almost understand him. I was
safe, he was warm and I didn't need to be afraid anymore.
Before he left I licked his hand clean where I had bitten him. It took a
while to stop bleeding and left dark brown spots on the floor that never
were fully cleaned but afterward he gave me a treat. It was wonderful, I
think it was fish. He came back later to feed me again, he smelled like my
blanket, warm safe and familiar. He had left his white coat outside. He
really wasn't so big and scary, maybe not really even that much taller than
me. At least not without his coat. He was wearing just a pair of tan pants
and a soft white shirt. His hair was black and I would learn later smelled
like flowers. More soft words, more careful petting, this time I didn't
bite his hand, even if the buttons of his shirt were hard.
***********
He came every day, to take care of me, always making the same sounds, I mean
saying the same words. "Hello Kitten how are you today? My name is Dr.
Su." Slowly I began to understand that he meant me when he said kitten or
kitty, and the smile I got when I finally called him Su was wonderful. I
have him to thank for teaching me to think, really think I mean. Before I
really just used what he called instincts. If it hadn't been for Dr. Su I
don't know if I would have ever gotten past them.
I was as bad as any young child with my questions once I had learned enough
to begin asking. Why is the ceiling white Dr. Su? Why are the doors
locked? Why can't I follow you home? How come you don't have real fur?
Why does everyone else wear white jackets? It was this last question that
lead to a discussion of morality that I still remember today.
"Why does everyone else wear a white jacket and I don't?" I asked tilting
my heat and letting my grass green eyes seek his out.
"Because I'm a doctor, while you aren't Kit." He answered using my new
name, which made me smile, but it was unsatisfying. Like many of the other
answers he sometimes gave, it didn't really explain things it was just an
answer. This time though an answer wasn't enough to satiate me. Like last
week when I had asked why he called me kitten, when his name was Dr. Su. I
was proud of the real name he decided to give me after he explained it
instead of continuing to call me a baby cat even if I wasn't exactly sure
what they were.
"But not everyone is a doctor. What about Lynn or John, they wear white
coats too." I pointed out feel proud at being so logical, thinking each step
through carefully.
"They wear lab-coats because their job requires them to wear the appropriate
clothing." He smiled at me as he went on. "We're all scientists and
working in a lab. That's why we all wear lab-coats all the time. Do you
understand?"
"so you wear clothing depending on what job your doing?"
"Exactly." He gave me a wide smile and pat on the head.
"Is that why I'm not wearing anything, because I don't have a job?"
He looked at me in surprise before answering a bit hesitantly. "No, not
exactly. Not all of our clothing is chosen because of the job we have. You
see, some is based on if we are a boy or girl. Janet and I have similar
jobs, but I wear pants, and she wears skirts because she's a girl and I'm a
boy."
"Well then shouldn't I be wearing a skirt?" I asked curiosity in full gear.
"You said I was a girl too."
"Well..." He hesitated. "You could wear a skirt if you wanted to, but you
don't really need one because of your fur. We usually wear clothing because
we want to stay warm or other things like that."
"Why not turn up the temperature so you don't have to wear all those cloths
then?" It seemed kind of silly to me to wear all those layers if you could
just make it warmer. I had finally gotten him to do that for me just this
week and was reveling in the heat.
"It would be indecent to do that" he said, sounding a bit shocked.
"What's indecent mean?" I watched him curiously. I don't think I've
noticed him smell so nervous before. I twitched my ears forward to hear
better wrapping my tail around my legs as I assumed my best attentive
posture.
"I mean it would be wrong for us to walk around without wearing any
clothing. Indecent means that something is wrong about it."
"Why?"
And with that question he began to teach me the difference between right and
wrong. I learned a lot almost too much to think about. He would talk for a
while then suddenly stop, look at me as though he had never noticed my
spots, or how the fur along my belly was white, and shift his weight
smelling nervous before switching to another thing not to do. He taught me
that everyone has rights, special rights that they are born with. "It's
wrong to deny anyone their rights Kit." He said. Everyone has a right to
live, to say and think what they want to try to be happy. That some things
were bad because they took away peoples rights. Killing is bad, slavery is
bad, hurting and stealing and lying to people is bad. Then I didn't really
understand everything he said. He told me how I shouldn't bite people or
lie. How I should behave. That first day I mostly just listened to him
talk and purred happy he was with me, and that he cared enough to tell me
things. The rest was too complicated to try thinking about.
The idea of what is right was simple; the reasons for things were harder to
grasp. Wearing clothing was one of them. It took him a long time to
convince me that it was a good idea. Eventually he explained that if I
didn't wear clothing then everyone would think I wanted to curl up and sleep
with them. I didn't really understand this problem until he mentioned that
it would include Dr. Xander. Now I make sure I'm always dressed. I like
people, but I DON'T like Dr. Xander. Besides I appreciate pockets, they
almost make up for the rest.
"Goodbye Kit, I'll see you again in the morning." With those words Dr. Su
stood up getting ready to leave. He always went to his own room at night
but I had never been there before.
"Wait, can I come with you tonight?" I asked with a hopeful smile on my
face. I was a little disappointed in his brief frown. I had thought he
liked me but the way he was edging for the door hurt.
"I would like to, but it's not allowed you have to stay here, okay?" He was
about to close the door but I guess something of my trampled feelings must
have shown. I had looked down when I heard him open it, blinking, trying to
keep the tears from filling my eyes. The padded door closed with a soft
click and I sniffed a little burying my head into the blankets in the
corner. He surprised me when I felt his strong gentle hand gently brush the
back of my neck soothingly.
"Kit, there are some things you need to know." His voice was soft, gentle
and almost timid but he went on. "You can't come with me because I live
outside. I don't live in the complex like you do." I looked up at him, my
wide, jade eyes meeting his deep brown ones without understanding.
"But why not? I promise to be good. You could take me with."
"I'm sorry Kit, but I can't. You have to stay inside. People would be
afraid of you. They would hurt you, and the government won't let that
happen. You're too valuable to them." I didn't understand what he was
saying, and I guess it must have been pretty obvious because he wrapped his
arms around me and held me close, rocking me gently.
"You have to stay here Kit. You aren't allowed outside. Not now, maybe
never. People would be afraid of you. Or hurt you, or take you away
somewhere." He tilted my head back and met my eyes. "Then they might treat
you really bad." It was the "really" that caught my attention. What did he
mean by that? Wasn't I being treated normally, and if this wasn't normal
then, what was?
In the end he had to admit what he was, what I was, and what was really
going on. He was still the nicest person I had ever known. Even if he was
partly responsible I forgave him because of it. He told me what it meant to
be me; a freak, a genetic monstrosity, subhuman, a blasphemy against god.
Actually though, I've never really thought about myself like that. I'm not
responsible, and I like being me. I can't imagine being anyone else.
Besides Dr. Su never talked about me like that either.
Being around doctors I think my education's been a little strange;
especially now that I've met people from outside the facility. Before that
they came in two types. The ones who wanted me to learn just enough to
satisfy their tests 'the kind where I was the subject rather than the one
taking them' and the ones like Dr. Su who sort of adopted me and wanted to
teach me all I could learn.
It's not really very much of a surprise that I went into science,
specifically biology and medicine. It surrounded me every day. I wanted to
know why this count being high was unusual, or what an unusually low heart
rate might indicate, what an EEG, ECG, and any number of other acronyms
stood for. From the first group of doctors, I learned just enough of about
the technical aspects to help them by cooperating better. It was the second
group that passed on lessons in morality.
I admit it got to be fun making them squirm. Challenging them to explain
how they could reconcile what they do with what they wanted me to believe.
In the end though I do believe what they taught me is right. They even
managed to get me out of the facility, after one last visit by Dr. Xander.
*******************
I guess I learn quickly. The scientists both kinds, nice and mean, always
seemed to be surprised at how fast I picked up what they were trying to
teach me. At first they talked about grades, first grade in this, or second
grade in that. I didn't really understand what the importance was. Grades
disappeared and were replaced by names. I learned algebra, trigonometry,
calculus, chemistry, biology and more. Then they started teaching me
medicine. I was a bit surprised when after a series of tests they gave me a
small rectangular piece of paper. I didn't really understand what it meant
until they explained it to me. That it was proof that I knew everything
necessary to be a Doctor. They explained if I were normal I could take it
to any hospital and expect to be hired. Dr. Su apologized that they
couldn't register me with a Doctorate, but I guess its okay because they
couldn't really acknowledge me as existing either.
It was only a week later that Dr. Su came to me with exciting news: The
Senate knew about me. They had learned of my existence, and if I could
prove I was sentient I would be allowed out of the facility. I could go
anywhere, do anything! The written tests were easy. Even the Turning test
wasn't very hard. Meeting the senators; that was difficult.
The first meeting with them took place at the facility, but in a part I had
never seen before. I met two senators who were wearing really fancy
clothing; like Dr. Xander does beneath his lab-coat. Nice suits, brown
leather shoes, and subdued boring ties. I was wearing my nicest clothes; a
knee length pair of cargo shorts and a jade green blouse. I really liked
the color, it matched my eyes. Dr. Su had explained I wanted to look my
best for them and should be very polite, but when I offered to shake hands
they hesitated, glancing behind me before pretending I hadn't offered. It
was a disappointing start.
>From there it was an odd interview. Half of the questions weren't for me.
Unfortunately I had to sit on this really hard uncomfortable chair for
hours. I did my best to smile and be friendly but its kind of hard when all
you really want to do is just get up and stretch, or at least lay down and
get comfortable. I didn't though, because Dr. Su said it would make them
think of me as an animal rather than like a person.
I think I surprised them when I started to answer some of the medical
questions about my physiology and biology. I know they surprised me when
they asked for an explanation of DNA. I thought everyone knew what it was.
When they were finally done one senator left without even saying goodbye. I
don't think he liked me very much. But Senator Harrington shook my hand
firmly and smiled. I like Senator Harrington, he might not know very much
about medicine but he does know how to smile.
After that it was like nothing had ever happened. Days went back to normal;
no more tests, no more interviews. Just learning with Dr. Su and the
others. At least until he came again... Dr. Xander. It was late at night
and all of the lights were off. I could smell him before he opened the
door, my pulse already racing before his shiny dark hair and beady eyes
hiding behind smaller glasses came into view. I almost swallowed my heart
when I saw two orderlies with him; Orderlies I didn't know. When I saw the
needle I didn't fight but I may have hissed, I don't really remember much
more from my room than him saying in a soft pleased voice. "Now now Kit, we
need to make sure you behave once you're outside the facility."
When I regained consciousness it felt awful, like I was going to die. It
was like hairballs, only without the satisfaction of knowing you'll feel
better once you're done. He'd done it again, I was lying, nude, on the
floor of my room; I could feel cool air against a bare, shaved patch on my
back. I recognized the feeling of sedatives and injections suffering in the
lingering ache of abused muscles. At first I thought the smell was my
imagination, a bad reminder that Xander had been here, so that when I heard
him whispering softly it was a shock. I wanted to roll over and hurt him;
to make him feel like I did but Dr. Su wouldn't have liked it so I lay still
instead.
"Now Kit, tomorrow you're going to be going outside the facility. But if
you don't behave yourself or if you try to run away I'm afraid to say that
you will be killed." He didn't sound afraid; he didn't even smell like it.
"We've just implanted you with a strong poison capable of being released
into your bloodstream remotely. If you ever try to go against my wishes or
disobey the rules we give you then you will be killed. I'm sure you're old
enough to understand what that means. Enjoy the freedom that Dr. Su has
managed to gain you."
With that he was gone. I felt the air stir as the door closed after him and
reached back, feeling a very small new cut, already neatly stitched tight,
in the center of the bare spot on my back. I didn't move for most of the
day. It was too hard. I just didn't know what to do, or how to feel. I
still don't know really whether it was, the hope, the fear, or the nausea
that occupied me for the rest of that day.
I had just finished dressing that evening when Dr. Su came in. He was all
smiling and looked happy. He gave me a big hug and even let me rub my cheek
against his for a minute before he pushed me away, too eager to share the
news to let me play any longer. "They've finally agreed. They decided
you're sentient, human, or enough that you deserve all the rights of one."
It was fun, he was almost dancing. It made me want to run. Not just the
short little sprints along a hallway, or on a treadmill but really run. I
settled for pouncing him instead.
"You're going to be allowed the right to make your own choices; to decide
what you want to do for a living."
********
As it turned out, I wasn't allowed to do just anything. I had a somewhat
limited list of options. I decided to go with the one that sounded like it
would require the most running. "Join the ETMPF, see the universe, meet
diverse and interesting people," I didn't hear the last bit until I
qualified in basic hand to hand, "and kill them."
Before that however was the enlistment sheet. That was new to me. I read
the directions very carefully. 'Follow instructions fully or we cannot
process your form. Type or legibly print your answers in black ink. All
questions on this form must be answered fully.' I was worried when the very
first question stumped me. 'Full Name, Last, First.' I didn't have a last
name. Did that mean I didn't have a full name at all? Dr. Su laughed at
the question. "Its okay Kit. You can have any name you want. This really
is your very first true piece of documentation. So whatever you put down
will be your real full name."
I thought long and hard about it, but I think I made the right choice in the
end. Now here I am, waiting for the transport cube to open and start my
very first assignment. There was a tremendous shift, almost like the ship
had suffered a collision, but I didn't let it get to me. When that hatch
opened I was there ready, in uniform and saluting. "Specialist Kit Su
reporting as ordered!"
AN:
I think I'm going to stop here for now. I'm not completely happy with it
but I'm not sure what else I want to do or how exactly I'm going to do it.
This is the history of Kit Su, someone that I may continue with later. I
hope you liked my foray into a new style of writing.
Written mostly from 10/1-13/04 finished up 10/28/04
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