Ok, I'm going to have to find time to go back and read all the other chapters. Even so, this is difficult to read. My suggestion would be to read "Three Faces of Eve", "Syble" and any thing else you can find about Multiple personality Disorder. That might give you some hints on how to write this. I've had problems trying to do similar things in stories. The best I can come up with is to make the transition more explicit AND to limit the number of changes or perhaps space them out. that is, IF you're going to change personalities A-> B -> C->A, only do this once in a scene or at least space it out with a more stable section (sticking to B for example for several paragraphs.)
Essentially you're changing POV with each personality change. There's nothing wrong with that, but it takes a bit of effort to keep it clear to the reader.
Something like:
A: dialogue/narrative
<transition bit showing A -> C>
C: dialogue/narrative
<Transition C -> A>
A: dialogue/narrative
<Transition A -> B ->D ->A>
A;B;D;A: dialogue/narrativ
Example:
@@@@
Ami couldn't belive what was happening; She put her head in her hands, trying to decide what to say to Usagi. But it was Spiderwoman who looked out of her eyes. "Dammit, Usagi," Spiderwoman groused. "Even for a madwoman, that's pretty crazy."
A tiny shudder ran through the shared body as Usagi reacted to the taunt.
@@@@
I'd simply write the thing as it comes to you, then go back and add little bits of transition to help make it clear to the reader what's going on. It's a bit clumsy, but IMO it's important to keep it clear to the reader what's going on. and the only way i can think of to do that is with additional narrative.
hope this helps.
StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
On Oct 26, 2004, at 11:23 AM, allyn yonge wrote:
@@Misplaced modifier. Who is "Spiderwoman"? Ami or Usagi? Or
a third person? The way this is written "Spiderwoman" is talking
as "Ami" is sitting down.
@@@@
Thanks for the comments. You've actually touched on one the things
about this story that makes it
bloody hard. Usagi's "insanity" is easier then trying to illustrate the
fact that Ami, Spiderwoman, and Sailor Mercury are all, in essence
three seperate characters in one body and all of them can sieze control
of any portion of the body at any time.
In this case, I've tried to illustrate that by treating Ami and
Spiderwoman as two seperate people. I guess I didn't do very well.
-Steve "Komodo" T.
http://www.geocities.com/studio_pc_hub/
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