It's only my opinion. Keep what you find useful, ignore the rest.
More comments. :)
Of about 3000 words, 1000 or so are the "computer"
system stuff. Interesting in the anime, but rather static
when simply prose. IMO cut some of this and/or
integrate it with something dynamic/cute in terms
of dialogue/narrative. One idea that come to mind would
be a parody of the sorts of things Tom Clancy does in his
novels.
First Person is VERY difficult to do well. I'm not
saying you shouldn't write in first person, but it is more difficult and
limited compared to third-person. I'm a great believer in doing
things the easy way. :)
I'm not sure what you want to do with this story but I'd like to see more
narrative/description/action and less dialogue. Show more than tell.
IMO, considering how short this chapter is, you could profitably
combine it with the 'omake'.
Replace some of the dialogue with narrative to show the reader
what is happening, rather than having the characters talk about
what is happening or has happened.
I think there's a lot of potential in this story and IMO it might be
worth playing around with different POV's as well as making
it more dynamic. You might also think about what kinds of
dynamic tension you can add. Humor, even more than drama,
come from the release of tension (which is why comedy is so hard).
I look forward to the next chapter.
__________________________________________________________________
Switch to Netscape Internet Service.
As low as $9.95 a month -- Sign up today at http://isp.netscape.com/register
Netscape. Just the Net You Need.
New! Netscape Toolbar for Internet Explorer
Search from anywhere on the Web and block those annoying pop-ups.
Download now at http://channels.netscape.com/ns/search/install.jsp
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'