I'm glad someone is watching HoiHoi-san.
A couple of quick comments on your story.
The dialogue is cute as is the characterization. IMO you've got
a very good start to this story.
1)I suggest adding just a couple of lines to the story
for readers who may not be familiar with this new anime.
Add just a bit to clue in the reader to
the fact that HoiHoi-san is a micro-robot that 'cutely'
wages war against insect pests.
2)An effective short story (or Omake) has some sort
of 'twist' ending or punch line. Your story has a rather soft
ending which makes it much less effective than it could be.
Since you're using a 'Gangster' theme, my first thought is something
related to the "Valentines Day Massacre" or "Bugsy Segal"
(famous gangster of the 1930's & '40's). I'm not quite
sure what to do, but the name "Bugsy" seems a natural
with the HoiHoi-san theme. I'd search
gangsters and gang-warfare of the 1930's for other ideas.
Good luck with your writing.
ps: your other HoiHoi-san story just showed up in my mbox. :) I'll try to take a look at it and C&C.
Tabyk <ffml@tabyk.net> wrote:
� � � � � � � � � � � �Doll Hobby: Omake
� � * All characters from Ichigeki Sacchuu!! Hoihoi-san and Ranma �
belong to Tanaka Kunihiko and Rumiko Takahashi, respectively. This was
written for entertainment purposes only.
� � * I'm sorry, but I just had to do it... *sweatdrop*
� � � � � � � � � � ~ Tabyk �(www.tabyk.net)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She came barreling down the stairs, her feet producing the same volume
of sound as an elephant stampede in her attempt to reach the one person
she needed.
"Naaabiiikiii!"
Finding the sibling in question at the dining table with some snacks,
she thrusted the magazine that she'd been hording all day upon her.
"Nabiki, you NEED to buy me this! PLEASE! I'll cook anything you want
for a month, even if it upsets Father! I don't care! I WANT IT!!!"
Taking the insistantly offered magazine, the younger sibling slowly read
the indicated page before looking up at her. "Kasumi... what is this?"
"It's a functioning scale replica of the American 1921 fully-automatic
Thompson machinegun. It comes with the optional blade sight attachment,
hand-carved walnut stock, an easily refillable 100 round drum magazine,
and has a proven sustainable rate of fire of 600 rounds per minute." Her
smile was so wide it almost hurt her face.
"That's what I thought. Kasumi... no."
"PLEEEEEASE!!!"
"No."
"But I've already bought the perfect hat, and have already finished
making the trousers. The shirt, tie, and trenchcoat will be done by this
weekend, and I already have the local retailer looking for the right shoes!"
"I said no."
Enormous tears began to fill her eyes as she desperately stated, "But...
but... Hoihoi-san wants to be a GANGSTER!" Then she began to cry... and
whine... at exceptional volume.
"Kasumi, you need to stop watching those old American movies...."
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