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Part Five: Cage of My Memory



I am the one who remembers the truth.

Truth is such a fragile thing, one second there, the next not. It's
all in the eyes of the beholder. Though I wonder at times: if no one
knows the truth, does that mean it does not exist? If a tree falls in
the forest, and there is no one there to hear it, does that mean it
makes no sound?

There is a certain irony in the fact that of all of the Duelists, I
am the one who remembers.

The Duel called Revolution.

I remember.

I remember watching from the observation platform with the other
members of the Student Council as the final battle was fought. Utena,
as she ascended to the dueling arena for the final time, brilliant
and shining the way a true prince is. Akio, the Fallen Prince.
Himemiya, the witch. And somewhere out there, the shadow of Dios, the
boy who once was a prince, but became little more then a sorrowful
memory, unwoven from within.

I remember watching as Akio attempted to turn Utena into a princess.
I remember her refusal, saying she had to protect Himemiya. They
argued, then fought with swords -the final Duel- but finally it was
Utena who fell, Utena who was betrayed by the princess she had sworn
to protect. Betrayed by a monster with a beautiful visage. It was
then I fell out of love with the facade who had been the Rose Bride.
She was not a prize to be sought; rather, she was nightmare to be
feared.

What happened next made me realize why Utena had been chosen as the
Victor of the Duels. I would have struck the Rose Bride down,
determined to take her into hell with me. Miki would had accepted
Himemiya's betrayal. Juri never would have let Himemiya that close in
the first place. Nanami hated Himemiya and probably would have
betrayed her first. And Touga would had accepted Dios' proposal to
live forever, leaving Himemiya behind to bear the Swords of
Humanity's hatred forever.

Utena, though, fought on. She struggled her way across the bridge and
clawed at the lid to Himemiya's coffin with her bare, bleeding hands.

At that moment, I saw a glimpse of eternity in Utena's face.

I never liked Utena. I never liked how she had carelessly pushed me
aside, claiming to know better, claiming that the Rose Bride was her
friend! No matter what I did, she always got the better of me,
turning me into a seeming fool. Once again, I was second place...

I guess I didn't like her because she reminds me of him. A Kiryuu
Touga without flaw, a female Touga who could never fail. The very
idea of her scared me half to death.

I remember watching as the Sword of Humanity's Hatred plummeted
towards her unprotected back, seeing her mourn for the loss of
someone who had already betrayed her. She could have fought back,
could have stood up once more and railed against the injustice of her
life, but instead she mourned for the loss of her friend, mourned for
the fact that she had been unable to be the prince Anshi had so
desperately needed.

And then...

Then...

I woke up in my own bed, as though it had been nothing more then a
dream.

The next day we had classes, like nothing had ever happened.

Nothing had changed, except no one seemed to really remember Utena.
She had become a shadow, someone who was mentioned rarely, and then
only spoke of distantly, the way people speak of a cousin they have
only met once. Even those who claimed to love her -Miki, Juri, Wakaba
and Touga- didn�t seem to recall her well.

All that was left was me... and a Himemiya who wandered around with
her long hair loose.

I could have spoke to her, for occasionally I saw her casting sad
glances at those who had Dueled for her. I didn�t though; I knew she
was upset that her game had been brought to an end.

For a while I thought I had gone insane. When you disagree with what
the world accepts as the truth, you are the one labeled as crazy. I
was tempted to leave matters as they were, but once again fate was
taken out of my hands.

It was on a spring day, about two weeks later, that I ran into Anshi.
She was moving slowly, a thoughtful expression on her face, and
barely recognized me when she nearly walked into me.

"Sorry about that, Saionji-san," she said.

I grunted. "Watch where you're going, princess," I told her
sarcastically.

Her eyes narrowed for a second, then she shook her head so minutely
that I would have noticed if I hadn't been looking for it. "I said I
was sorry."

It was strange to hear words that were more characteristic of Utena
than Anshi coming out of her mouth. "Sorry doesn't always fix
things."

"No, but the apology was sincere. You should accept it."

"Nothing you speak is sincere. How often did you lie to Utena?"

She blinked slowly, and her voice trembled as she spoke. �You
remember her?� she asked, and there was almost a desperate hope.

�How could I forget? How did EVERYONE forget?� I asked. I hadn't
liked her at all, but I dreaded what had happened to her. It could
have been any of our fate, if we had been the ultimate Champion. It
could have been my fate, if I hadn't lost Anshi. I owed Utena a debt.

Anshi shaded her turquoise eyes with long lashes. �I don�t know. Akio
doesn�t, either, I think.�

"What happened?" I demanded. "What happened to Utena? Where is she?"

�I don�t know... as I fell from the cliff, I saw the swords coming
for her,� Anshi confessed, and she wrapped her arms around herself as
though to take reassurance. �But aside from that, I don�t know. I
don�t know if she managed to evade them or not. I... simply don�t
know.� Her voice was full of anguish. For a second, I almost believed
that she had a heart.

�You sound like you care,� I said mockingly. �I thought the Rose
Bride cared for nothing save for Dios.�

�I�m not the Rose Bride anymore,� she told. �That�s part of the
revolution Utena brought.�

�Revolution? But... the world hasn�t changed. There was no
revolution.�

Her smile was mysterious, though sad. �Are you sure about that?�

She made me uncomfortable, so I decided to change the subject. �I saw
the first of the swords run itself through her heart.�

She gasped, a delicately boned hand rising to cover her mouth.
�Utena...� she whispered. Then she caught my hand. �Come with me,
Saionji. I don�t have the courage to go on my own.�

�Where?� I demanded. Once, I would have followed her to the Ends of
the World without questioning, but I had seen the true face of the
Rose Bride. Her touch now made my skin crawl, and from the slightly
ironic twist of her lips, I could tell she was well aware of my
reaction.

She gestured towards the forest. �The Dueling Arena. Maybe... there�s
some sign of her there. Maybe I should go there first.�

I blinked. For some reason, I hadn�t thought of returning to the
scene of the Duels, though it was a logical move to find the answer
to the questions that had been plaguing me. �She could be dead,� I
told Anshi. It had been nearly a month since Utena had vanished, and
I wasn�t sure I wanted to go stumbling on her rotting corpse. I
hadn�t liked her, but I had respected her. If she was there, she
should be left in peace.

Anshi placed a hand over her heart. �I don�t think she is. I think I
would know... but if she is, I can�t just leave her there.�

�Can�t you?�

�Utena deserves better then to be left alone in the Arena,� Anshi
insisted.

I could see her point, but it was with great reluctance that I agreed
to join her as she returned to the place of the Duels. I trusted
Anshi not at all, but I could feel the ties of destiny pulling me.

Even though it had been only a month since the Arena had been used,
it seemed like a century must have past. Time is a strange thing in
Ohtori; of all of us, Miki was the only one who really paid much
attention to that. Though Nanami teased him about his compulsive use
of a stopwatch, Juri, Touga and I understood. Something was off in
the hours of Ohtori, something throwing the linear passage of time
into doubt. For someone like Miki, who was precise and controlling of
his environment whenever possible, it was nearly unbearable.

Moss grew on the stones, and what had once been perfectly smooth was
old and cracked with age. The dream world Akio had shown us was
shattered, and I was the only one who had gone back to see the
reality. A bit of me cracked inside as I stepped further out of the
illusion into reality.

Anshi moved cautiously through the debris, stepping over the human
outlines with a slight shudder. Wreckage from the cars of the final
Duels stood mixed with dried flower petals of all the colors the
duelists had boasted. It made me sorrowful, for this was the ruins of
my childhood.

�Anything, Anshi?� I called to her.

�No,� she said, taking carefully measured steps towards where the
bridge- the final bridge- had been. �But... she�s not here.�

I nodded. �A true prince can defeat the Swords,� I said.

�But was she?� Anshi asked me. �At the very end, I thought I felt her
give up.�

I laughed. In some ways, I knew Utena better then her supposed best
friend. Anshi had been apart from humanity for too long to understand
the fire that had driven her. Utena and I had been alike in some
respects, both driven by passionate natures that the other Duelists
sometimes had problems understanding. �Utena may have been down, but
she always comes back up to top. She doesn�t understand what it means
to lose. If anyone could defeat the swords, it would be Utena.�

Anshi nodded, then her face took on a look of resolve. It made her
look as pretty as she had when I had first seen her, though this time
her eyes held an inner light, rather then the carefully studied
blankness of old.

�I�m going to her.�

�What?� I exclaimed.

Tucking a loose lock of hair behind her ear, she gave me a brilliant
smile. �For all my life, I have been a princess locked away in a
tower, always having someone defend me. That�s over now, thanks to
Utena. I�m finally free, Saionji-san, to make my own decisions. And I
chose to be with her.�

Anshi reached out and wrapped her arms tightly around me, and I was
amazed that I wasn�t repulsed anymore. �Thank you for your help,
Saionji.�

�If you find her, will you let me know?�

She canted her head to the side. �I�ll write you,� she said
evasively. �But I can�t promise that, for I refuse to make any
promises I can�t keep. Promises are important. I know I have no right
to... but can I ask you a favor?�

�What is the favor?� I asked warily. I had learned enough not to
agree without hearing what I would be agreeing to.

�Keep an eye on my brother. I will remove the last of his power from
him when I leave, but some will always fall to his false nature.
Someone needs to hold him in check.�

�You�re asking me to watch the fallen?� I demanded. What she was
asking of me was no simple task; it could well take my entire
lifetime.

She rested her fingers lightly against my cheek. �Who else but one
who has seen the shadows that lurk? The others may have forgotten,
but you remember. Only one who remembers the tragedies of the past
can protect the future.� Her expression was resolute, despite the
sorrow.

She was asking a lot, but I understood. There was no one else. What
would happen if Akio somehow managed to find another Rose Bride? The
cycle would begin anew, and perhaps this time he would win. The
thought sent a jolt of terror through me, for who knew how he would
chose to reshape the world? A world shaped in his image wasn�t one I
wanted to live in.

�I swear that Akio shall not succeed in spinning his web as long as I
am here,� I promised.

She gave me one more blinding smile, a soft kiss on the cheek, then
left. I watched her go, wondering about the duty I had just accepted.
Was I really a match for Akio, stripped of his powers though he was?

I haven�t seen Himemiya Anshi since, though her letters arrive
regularly, once a month. She still hasn�t found Utena, but she won�t
give up. I respect that about her- I may not like the Rose Bride, but
the woman Himemiya Anshi is becoming is one who I�d like to someday
call a friend.

I have so few friends.

Akio has not stirred from Ohtori since Utena defeated him. I can feel
him there, through the power of the Rose Seal I still wear on my
hand. It is a dangerous thing for me to do, for it represents a
promise and power, but as it binds me to him, so is he bound to me as
well.

He knows well that I am there, and we watched each other in a careful
balancing act that neither of us dares upset. While I doubt that I
can defeat him, should he choose to rise, I know I can make his life
difficult. Maybe that's why I accepted the position as chair of the
elementary division. He holds onto the high school, but I get to the
students first.

At Nanami's party, I felt the sense that something was about to
happen. It wasn't a particularly forboding feeling, more one of
immenence, a sense that my long wait was about to be rewarded in
abundance.

I curbed my natural impatience, and forced myself to stay calm until
events played out.

The Duelists began to interact, and though I didn't know

They were there, waiting for me. I raised an eyebrow at Touga, who
merely shrugged and sat down in one of the sofas. Nanami rose from
where she had been sitting by Miki, holding her hand out as though in
challenge. I noticed the flashing of the Rose signet, and felt my
stomach drop into my toes. Immediately my eyes sought the hands of
the others, and I was disconcerted to see that each of them -Touga,
Miki, Juri- were all wearing their own rings.

I unconsciously hid my hand, which still bore the Crest of the Rose.
�What are you all doing here?�

One by one they spoke, in a ritual that was painfully familiar, yet
different. Miki�s and Nanami�s voices had changed as they had grown
up, and the ceremony -for it was one- had lost a certain conviction
that I had always taken for granted. It was like, yet unalike, that
final time so long ago, the day of the Duel called Revolution.

�If it does not break the egg's shell, the chick will die without
being born,� Touga began.

�We are the chick,� Miki picked up, only to be followed rapidly by
Juri.

�The egg is the world.�

Nanami spoke finally, taking my part as well as her own. �If we do
not break the shell of the world, we will die without being born.
Break the shell of the world.�

�To Revolutionize the World!� they all declared.

A smile twisted my face. �I guess it would be foolish to claim I know
nothing, wouldn�t it?�

�Very foolish,� Juri agreed easily. �Of all of us, you are the only
one who never removed his ring. You never stopped being a duelist.�

I laughed. I couldn�t help myself.

Nanami gave me a puzzled look. �Why are you laughing?�

�You can�t ever stop being a duelist. Once you accept the ring,
you're bound to it forever. Rings represent forever- that's why
they're used for weddings. No end and no beginning.,� I said softly.
"What do you want?"

I looked to Touga to get the answer, as I always have before. In the
end, it is Touga who will always be the leader.

"Where is Tenjou Utena?"

As he spoke her name, I heard the bells of Ohtori ring in the
background, and suddenly I knew exactly what we were to do.

"She broke the world's shell. The question is, can we?" I asked
softly.

All along, I had been the chick closest to hatching. Outside was the
eternity I sought, and I knew I was close to reaching it.

Some things are eternal, and Tenjou Utena might very well be one of
those things.

I seek eternity, Utena, and you will show me the way.

END PART FIVE


=====
If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain

Fanfiction: http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver
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