And getting to this:

Raye Johnsen wrote:

Harmonia

Part One

The Hokage of Konoha Village was, on this particular
morning, going through the requests for the services
of the Konoha ninja corps.  Sometimes she did it
alone, sometimes with her medical apprentices and
sometimes with one or more members of the ANBU corps.
Right now, her chief apprentice/secretary/personal
assistant, who had been with her for years, was her
current audience.  She had cheerfully dispatched a
group of chuunin off to apprehend a murderer, and sent
a training team of genin on a simple
information-gathering trip, when she picked up a
delicately calligraphed envelope.  She read it, and
then said, "Hey, Shinori, listen to this:

Well, the pacing on the opening paragraph is so-so. Not sure what feels off
about it, but it's not the best hook in the wrold. At least it seems you are
cutting to the meat of the story quickly.

"To the Hokage of Konoha Village:  Greetings, Lady
Tsunade.
"I am the idol singer known as 'Cherry', and I wish
to hire a team of genin for a bodyguarding mission.

Hmm. Now this is interesting.

This mission will last no longer than two months, and
require the team to travel around Fire Country.  They
will be required to provide physical protection to my
entourage while we are travelling on my concert tour,
and examine our accomodations and destinations on our
journey for traps and dangerous fixtures.
"I would not rate this mission above a 'C' in
difficulty.  I feel confident in making this
assessment, as I was a genin of Konoha under my true
name of Haruno Sakura,

Ah ha. More interesting.

 before an injury in the line of

duty forced my retirement.  For this reason the
mission will not include the defence of my person.

Oh? Injury must not be that terrible if she feels she can defend herself
like a true ninja.

"She *was* Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto's
teammate, and she was injured defending them.  They
might take the issue of her safety... rather
personally."

Probably. Life and death situations form bonds that would otherwise not form
between individuals.

"So I'm likely to find two jounin in my office
demanding to go, if they find out.  Which means that
they *don't* know.  Which means that Miss Haruno
didn't tell them."

True.

 Tsunade commented, a dark grin

beginning to creep across her features.  "We'll give
this one to young Hinata's team."

Hmm.

Shinori blinked.  "*Hyuuga Hinata's* team?  But that
guarantees Mr. Uzumaki will find out!"

"Indeed it will," Tsunade replied.  "Why should I get
my ear chewed off when I can feed Miss Haruno's to
them?"

Indeed. INteresting that that means Naruto will know. A lot must have
happened.

"Saaasuke-kuuun!" sailed across the air, and Sasuke
stiffened in sudden shock.  But the voice was alto,
not a contralto, and the figure jogging towards him
was brunette, with her hair tied up in buns.

"Sasuke-kun!  I wasn't expecting to see you here!"
TenTen

Hmm.

TenTen grinned and began to do some stretches.  "Oh,
Lee

Heh. Forgot about his fixation on her.

"Ready for dinner?  I hope Hinata-chan's making
ramen...."

Sasuke blinked with amusement as Naruto began his
soothing prattle, praising his oath-wife's cooking
skills.

Sweet. I'm a sucker for Hinata/Naruto match ups.

Hinata and Naruto weren't legally married yet
(emphasis on the 'yet') because of a law that had been
largely unknown until recent times.  It declared that
fully-trained shinobi were not permitted to marry
until their thirtieth birthdays.

Odd. I wonder why, given their mortality rates, especially in recent years.

Some had chosen to remain as residents of their
parents' homes and wait.  Some had chosen to move out
and set up their own homes, where they could act as
they chose, but without contravening the law.  And
some, like Naruto and Hinata, said, "Stuff it",
exchanged rings and promises, and made it clear that
they were husband and wife in all but law.  The
village treated such couples as married; the Hokage
made officialdom ignore them; and informed observers
confidently expected Hyuuga Hiyashi to start talking
to his eldest daughter again any decade now.

Heh. Does he really approve of Naruto enough to for it to only be decades,
though? :)

"Welcome back!" Hinata's voice called out from the
spare room.  "I'm just -- UGH!"

Not quite clear on why she 'Ugh'd

"Wait up," said Naruto quickly.  "I'm coming too!"

coming, too

Hinata blinked.  "Excuse me?  Where are --?"

"We're going to go see Grandma," Naruto told her.

"You know you shouldn't call Lady Tsunade that...."

Not if they know what's good for them. But then, this is Naruto and Sasuke.

"Okay, that explains why Hinata's genin team, they
specialise in spying, stealth and dirty tricks,"

Ah so, they are sneaky, like true ninja. :)

Sasuke shrugged.  Naruto frowned.  It was Sasuke's 'I
have some suspicions but I'm not going to tell you'
shrug.  After over eleven years of working with the
other man, Naruto had learnt to read him fairly well,

Amazing that someone as impulsive as learned to read him at all.

and right now, Sasuke was radiating a fair bit of
anger, determination, petulance and protectiveness.  A
mixture that Naruto had to admit he was feeling more
than a bit of himself.

"Anyway, I'm off home,"

missing word there

"What did you just say?" Hinata demanded, her tone
saying quite clearly, 'I heard but I'm going to give
you a chance to rephrase before I kick you out of the
house'.

"I... you know I get lonely without you!  I don't
want to be alone for that long!"

There you go.

It wasn't feigned, either.

That seems, I don't know, too simple? The either is what's really throwing
me. I think that could be reworded or something.

  She'd written the song

about the time some ten years beforehand,

That parses off. I'd reword it.

Her mother had been terribly worried by the
depression she'd sunk into, and had sent her off to
stay with her aunt in Fire Country's capital city,
thinking that the change in lifestyle would help.  It
had, mainly because once there she'd been discovered
by her recording company's talent scout.  The totally
unexpected new opportunity had generated other dreams,
and the fact that it required effort had successfully
distracted her.  If there was one thing Sakura had
never been scared of, it was hard work, and she worked
at being a good musician as hard as she had at being a
kunoichi.  Which was why she had hit the top of the
charts and stayed there.

Well, that and talent. You can't fake or dupilcate talent.

Finally the lights went down, and after taking her
bows, she stumbled along the corridor to her dressing
room.  Flopping down into the easy chair that had been

set close to the heater, at just the right angle to

An odd ache there.

let her aching leg absorb the warmth while not
scorching her face, she set her hand down to find a
bottle of chilled water right there.

And I think this scene could be reworked. Start it with the concert over and
her thinking about what had happened. As it is now it feels far too sparce
in details.

"Why didn't you tell us?" he demanded.

Sakura: They didn't comp me enough tickets for everyone, and I didn't want
to pick and choose and make some people feel neglected, so I didn't invite
anyone.

"Really.  I was able to walk in here, totally
rearrange your room, and watch you for a full minute
before you spotted me, and you can take care of
yourself."

"Thank you for switching on the heater," Sakura said
calmly.  "For the rest -- I'm a highly paid
entertainer, someone normally comes in and cleans up
my dressing room for me.  Your alterations weren't
screamingly obvious, so I dismissed them as the maid's
work.

Say, in that case, what did happen to the maid that should have done all of
that?

"Hello to both of you!" Sakura replied.  "What brings
you both here?"

Might want to change one of the 'both's

"We were trained to melt into the shadows without
jutsu," Sakura commented.  "It doesn't count."

"Ne, ne, aren't you happy to see us, Sakura-chan?"
Naruto asked, giving her his best puppy-eyes.

Heh. Yeah, that's him. Nice reaction on Naruto's part.

Sakura shut her eyes and sighed.  "All right," she
conceded grumpily.  "Fine.  We're *all* going on
tour."

This could be interesting. So where's the next part? :)

3. I know Hinata is a lot bolder here than she is in
the canon series.  This story is set ten years after
the manga, though, and I think Hinata will gain
confidence as she gets older and grows up, especially
as she now has Naruto on her side.  I've tried to show
that she's still very polite and diffident with people
she sees as equals and superiors, but that she's
confident in her ability to do things she knows how to
do -- such as teaching a genin team.

Yeah, i can buy that. Just don't have her *too* assertive, and I don't think
the changes that happen off camera in this case will cause the reader to
pause too much.

Very nice work. Hope to see more.

DB Sommer

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