Oh, my turn! My turn!

Rann Aridorn wrote:

Title: Playthings

That could mean so many things, especially from you. :)

Author: Rann Aridorn

"Wow, it'll be great to see Chiyo-chan again!" Tomo crowed. "I bet she
brought us back all sorts of cool stuff from America!"

Okay, a post Azu fic.

"She's not your mom, she doesn't have to bring you back stuff," Yomi
contested flatly, glasses taking on an opaque sheen.

But... she probably would.

"Wow, it's been a whole month, huh?" Osaka murmured thoughtfully.
"... It's been a -year- since Chiyo went to America to go to school,
Osaka."
"Oh? Has it? My. What a long month."

Heh

"... Ugh. Anyway." Yomi glanced around. They'd gathered everyone
together at Chiyo's house, in her old room, thanks to a mailed key.

'They' Who was it that constitutes the 'they' that gathered everyone? I
think 'Everyone gathered..." would work better.

Herself, Tomo, Osaka, Sakaki, Kagura, even Minamo and Yukari. She felt
like she was forgetting someone... like there was something missing from
the background.

Heh. You could have really rubbed it in by including Chihiro. :)

Every time she looked at Sakaki, it seemed like she

ought to be able to see something swooning and pink out of the corner of
her eye. ... Eh, probably just a psychotic break brought on by too much
time spent with Tomo.

I'm sure she uses the 'pyschotic break because of Tomo' excuse lots of
times. :)

"Hi, everybody!" came the cheerful little chirp from the doorway, Chiyo
standing in it with a hand raised in a wave.

I'd split that into two after 'doorway'

Greetings went about as one would expect, happy, energetic, and a
little bit nuts. But finally, things began to settle down, at least

I'd drop 'one would expect', sounds awkward.

enough for Tomo to shout, "So what'd you bring us?!", prompting Yomi to
smack her upside the head.

I don't know. Verbalizing 'upside the head' would be fine, but I can't see
it working as well in written form. Just smacking her in the head I think is
better.

"Ohhhhhhhhh?" everyone inquired, leaning in with curious expressions.
Chiyo dragged a suitcase at least as large as she was over to the
table, then opened it up and began digging about amongst the packing
material. "When I went to America, I met a boy who'd been advanced a
bunch of grades, just like me! And... well..." Chiyo paused in her
search, blushing a bit.

Hmm.

"AAAAA! Chiyo has an American boyfriend!" Kagura yelled, laughing.

yelled and laughed? I'd go with one or the other.

Sakaki blinked, glancing at Kagura, then looking at Chiyo, who was
blushing and smiling in such a way as to provide proof of such a
statement. Sakaki let her gaze wander upward, as she pictured Chiyo
standing side by side with a blonde boy of the exact same stature, but
with one cute pigtail in back instead of two on the sides. With a
shiver, Sakaki quickly hid her blushing face behind her hands.

Heh. Nice touch.

"So... don't tell us," Tomo began slowly, before shooting to her feet
and pointing accusingly. "YOU CHOPPED HIM UP AND PUT HIM IN THAT

SUITCASE?!"

Sakaki's head yanked upright, expression horrified.
"WHAT?! Of course not!" Chiyo yelped.
"Sit down and shut up," Yomi said with a sigh, grabbing hold of Tomo's
shirt and yanking her back to the floor.
Chiyo glared at Tomo for a moment more, before turning back to the
suitcase. "His father owns toy manufacturing companies.

Multiple toy companies? Would sound better if it was just one.

When I met his

family during spring break, I told a lot of stories about all of you,
and he said they amused him so much, he wanted to give you all special
gifts... custom toys of yourselves!"

Oh, this should be rich.

A general "ooooooooooooooooo" went all around.

missing comma

"As your teacher, I demand to be given my toy first!" Yukari cried,
doing a fair Tomo impression by bolting to her feet and pointing.

Yukari came first. I would think Tomo imitates her.

Now there's a question for you. Which came first, the loudmouthed idiot or
the irresponsible moron? :)

"You're not her teacher anymore," Minamo interjected Yomi-ishly,
grabbing Yukari's shirt and yanking her back down to a seated position.
"I've got to find them, first, I used a lot of packing material to make
sure they'd be safe," Chiyo interjected, a little abashedly. Then she
made an "Aha!" sound, pulling out a figure. "Here's the Yomi� action
figure!"

You actually trademarked them? Cute.

There was another little chorus of "ooooo" as

another missing comma

Chiyo set the figure on

the table and spent a moment getting it to stand upright. It was indeed
Yomi, the little figure dressed in the blue summer uniform of their high
school, complete with bookbag and a pair of little plastic glasses.
After a moment, Yomi reached over and picked it up, pinching at one of
the arms. "Hey, it's... squishy."

Uh oh.

"Yeah, they made it as a prototype for a new process they're using,
it's supposed to be more like a real person, and be like real skin,"
Chiyo explained.
"Heeheehee." Tomo leaned over, pulling up the Yomi�'s shirt a bit to
bare a tummy complete with tiny navel indentation, and poking it. "Even
Yomi's action figure has excess fat."

You knew she couldn't pass up the opportunity.

A vein throbbed on Yomi's forehead.
"Actually, they used the same process to make the Tomo� action figure,"
Chiyo continued, digging around and pulling out a miniature Tomo, this
one dressed in the winter uniform. "But, um, there was a mistake."

This should be good too.

"Well. ... It's shinier because they made it out of the same stuff they
make super-bounce balls out of." Chiyo turned and hurled the Tomo�
figure against the wall. It ricocheted off and went flying towards the
other wall, and proceeded to bounce around the room for a full two
minutes, people ducking and taking cover, until the figure finally
flopped onto the table and rolled to a sitting position.
"... That's not a mistake, that's authenticity," Yomi muttered,

Agree

setting

her own action figure back down on the table. To everyone's great
surprise, the Yomi� figure's hand raised and solidly connected with the
back of the Tomo�'s head with an audible little *thwack*.

No shout of 'double chop' or somesuch?

"There was a little mistake with the Osaka figure, too," Chiyo said
sadly, drawing out what looked like a somewhat more traditional action
figure with hard plastic skin, though it did have a cloth winter uniform.
"What's wrong with it?" Osaka inquired, leaning forward.
"They used joints that were too loose in the limbs." Chiyo set the
Osaka� figure down on the table, where it promptly collapsed into a
sprawl on its back.
"... Authenticity," Yomi repeated.
Osaka blinked, then simply leaned over and started trying to arrange
her figure into something at least vaguely upright. "C'mon, little me,
get it together, get it together..."

Heheheh. Yeah, she'd do that too

"Oh! Here's the Kagura� figure!" Chiyo exulted, pulling the dark tan
figure out and passing it over to its model-sake.
"Hey, that's pretty cool," Kagura observed, tugging at the figure's
summer uniform. "Hey, she's got a swimsuit on under the uniform! Neat!
Huh? What's this button?" Blinking, Kagura touched the little button
just below the Kagura� figure's neck. The figure's left hand immediately
snapped downward in a chopping motion. Kagura, and the entire room, were
absolutely silent for a moment... before the athletic girl let out a
howl of delight. "I HAVE KUNG-FU ACTION!"

Hehehe

Sakaki once again began trembling and blushing. It was a... MINIATURE
Chiyo-chan!

Yeah, that should just about fry her brain, and make her ask Chiyo when she
could buy one. :)

"Hey, what's with its legs?" Yukari peered critically at the figure.
"It looks kind of like it's got rickets or something."
"Oh, that's just because the Chiyo� doll comes with a Mr. Tadakichi�!"
Chiyo smiled brightly, placing the white plastic dog next to her own
figure. "And just like I could when I was smaller," Chiyo continued,
picking up the doll version of herself, before clicking it into place
atop the Mr. Tadakichi� figure. Sakaki's eyes were close to being as
wide as dinner plates.

She just might have to steal them. :)

"Neeeeat," Tomo murmured.
Chiyo beamed, then set the figures back down, before reaching under the
Mr. Tadakichi� and flipping a small switch. The miniature mount
immediately began walking forward, the Chiyo� figure swaying lightly on
its back. Then the Mr. Tadakichi� paused to give several small barks and
wag its tail. A sound of awe made its way around the group, with Sakaki
sitting in the background, swaying back and forth, looking like she was
in serious danger of fainting.

Heh

Switching off the Mr. Tadakichi�, Chiyo reached back into the suitcase.
"Hm. Let's see... oh! Here it is, the biggest set!" She seemed to pause,
however, a shudder running through her, as if about to touch something
not entirely pleasant. Then her jaw jutted out a little as she
apparently firmed her resolve, forcing her expression into a happy one
as she pulled out a fair-sized toy car,

Wahaha! I wondered what would make her do that.

 "It's... it's..." Kagura stared for a moment, before finally managing

to finish. "... The Yukari Car�."

I think 'Yukarimobile' would be better. Got the whole 'Batmobile' thing
going for it.

"..." Yukari's eyebrow twitched. Then, with a shriek, she launched
herself at the toy, apparently in a mad bid to destroy the insult to
her... "honor".

Probably ought to use single quotes there since it's not being verbalized

Sakaki herself was staring, her cheeks pink. Chiyo set the plush, about
the size of someone's hand laid flat, on the tabletop, allowing it to be
seen. It was a rather chibi version of Sakaki in her winter uniform,
rendered with a rather unreadable expression that was, due to its
proportions, extremely adorable.

She's finally cute. She must be ecstatic on the inside.

Until suddenly Maya, who had been sleeping under the table through all
of this, poked his head out, sniffing curiously. Everyone blinked and
turned to look at him as he walked out and then hopped up onto the
tabletop. He sauntered past all the other toys, and bent down to sniff
at the Sakaki plushie. Then he wrapped himself around it, front legs
tugging the toy close to his chest, his nose pressed against it, and
closed his eyes, purring loudly.
"My boyfriend's dad owns a company that makes pet toys, too, the Miss
Sakaki� plans got interpreted as a catnip toy."
There was a loud thud. Sakaki had fainted.

Ha! The perfect end to that bit.

Meanwhile, somewhere in downtown Tokyo...
"Hello Kitty massagers. Hello Kitty massagers. These are a limited
quantity, they're not making them anymore," the street vendor hocked
without enthusiasm. Kaorin sighed, letting her head droop, the bright
pink paper hat on her head slipping down a little. 'I gotta find a
better job.'

Heh. Although it doesn't have quite the humorous hit the others did.
Truthfully, since we all know it's Kaorin that's missing, I'd leave it
unsaid, since this sort of dilutes the perfect ending you have with Sakaki
passing out.

Great work. Enjoyed it immensly.

DB Sommer



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