elisteran wrote:

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> writes:

Inside the belly of the helicopter, the blades sending reverberations
through the interior like a rapid heartbeat, made Drake Anderson feel

like

he was child in the womb. One armed with an M-16 and enough plastic

a child

Used the grammar corrections.

Coming to theaters this fall: 'Child of the Womb!'

Heh

 >

characters he's portraying at any given moment. Not their abilities.

Just

their physical appearance."

"And that's dangerous how?" Yomiko prodded.

"If he knew Japanese, he could probably put half the anime voice actors

out

of business."

Seems like he could be a decent physical actor, too

True, but we're concentrating more on his voice at the moment.

Joker's voice echoed in their ears. "That's Sir Gelad Morded. Apparently
he's the inspiration for Mordred from the Arthurian legend."

inspired by? Or the I-jin's plan goes back further than we know...

The gene tissue was recovered by the people whom I-Jin stole all the DNA
from.

"With pleasure. My daughter made me listen to that !#$% song about a

hundred

times before I lost it and blew up her CD player."

I'd suggest either dropping !#$% or using actual words. It's very
disruptive to the story to suddenly run into unpronouncable gibberish
(or so it seems to me).

It's substituted for swearing, which I think would be kind of inappropriate
for the fic.

Yomiko leaned back against a tree and returned to reading her book, the
smell of fragmentation grenades and napalm soothing her as it filled the
air.

I'd tone down his overt reaction and have it be more of this level of
implied reaction to hanson. The actual reaction is overkill, so making
it too front and center weakens the story's durability. In my opinion,
of course :-)

Hmm. I didn't really think it bothered me. I'll think about it, but no
guarentees.

Thanks for all the help. It's appreciated.

DB Sommer

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