Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel
[An ROD OVA spamfic]

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at
sommer@3rdm.net

All of my fics are stored at the following:

Larry F's new address at:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/d_b_sommer/index.html

And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at
http://home.hostultra.com/~AngCobraFics/dbsommer.html

At fanfiction.net:
http://www.fanfiction.net/

Or R+C books at:
http://www.fanworks.org

Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Read or Die characters.

[Writer's notes: This one is a humor oriented piece, and not the 'sequel' to
Literary Hell. Just a little something I hoped might get a laugh or two]

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Inside the belly of the helicopter, the blades sending reverberations
through the interior like a rapid heartbeat, made Drake Anderson feel like
he was child in the womb. One armed with an M-16 and enough plastic
explosives to blow up a small building, but still a child.

Drake looked at his watch. According to their pre-flight ETA, they should be
arriving at their destination in two minutes. Annoyingly, Joker still hadn't
gotten back in touch with them about the opposition. All Drake knew was that
it was I-Jin, and that he was being paid top dollar to get the job done.

He turned to the other agent assigned to the mission and felt a headache
coming on. They should be preparing to hit the ground and deploy, not relax
by kicking back and reading a book. "Agent Paper."

Yomiko continued reading without acknowledging Drake had even spoken.

"Readman."

She turned a page.

Drake sighed and made his way to one of the helicopters viewports. "Oh,
look! A book burning."

Yomiko gave a startled cry and drew a set of notecards from the inside of
her trenchcoat. "Where? Where?"

Drake returned to her side. "I thought that might get your attention. We're
about to land."

Yomiko breathed a sigh of relief. "You know, you didn't have to be so mean.
You could have just said 'Yomiko, we're about to land,' or something."

Drake didn't deign to respond.

"Do we know what the opposition is like?" Yomiko asked

"Not yet." Drake checked the portable camera connected to his headset. "You
think with the documents they got at the raid on that I-Jin base they'd know
more about what we're up against. All we know is they're hitting some
rinky-dink library in the middle of nowhere.

Yomiko looked at him curiously. "Des Moines is the capital of Iowa."

"Like I said, the middle of nowhere. Library's probably the hottest action
going around out in the middle of corn country," Drake mumbled under his
breath.

The pair donned their headsets as the helicopter landed in front of a small
library. The door rolled to the side as the two hit the ground, Drake with
his rife at the ready, Yomiko with her dolly and suitcase in one hand and
several notecards in the other.

They started to run toward the library when Joker's voice filled their ears.
"Good, you've landed. We finally have confirmation on the three I-Jin you'll
be dealing with."

Just then a figure emerged from the library. He was a man, though appeared
to have the characteristics of a rather tall, two legged rabbit, right down
to munching on a carrot in hand. In a casual voice he said, "Nya, what's up,
Doc?"

"That's the first I-Jin," Joker explained, the visuals being beamed to him
through Drake's camera. "He's the clone of an American voice actor, perhaps
the greatest ever to walk the face of the Earth. He's been the voice of a
hundred different fictional characters."

Drake drew a bead on the man. "What's his powers?"

"He can change his voice in such a way that you probably won't even realize
he's the same man."

"And?"

"I-Jin have him the ability to takes on some of the physical traits of the
characters he's portraying at any given moment. Not their abilities. Just
their physical appearance."

"And that's dangerous how?" Yomiko prodded.

"If he knew Japanese, he could probably put half the anime voice actors out
of business."

"We're not voice actors," Drake pointed out.

"Which means he's probably not much of a threat to you," Joker admitted.

Behind the library, the sounds of a whinnying animal filled the air.
Charging from around the corner of the building came a horse bearing a man.
He was decked out in night black full plate armor, reminiscent of the
Medieval era, with the faceplate of the helmet lowered, so his visage was
hidden from all. Cradled in his arm was a lance, pointed downward as though
he expected to skewer something at any moment. His helmet turned in the
newcomers' direction, then he dug his spurs in, prodding his horse forward
into a charge.

"This one looks a little more dangerous." Drake brought his rifle up, and
Yomiko drew back with the cards in her hand.

Joker's voice echoed in their ears. "That's Sir Gelad Morded. Apparently
he's the inspiration for Mordred from the Arthurian legend."

The knight shouted, "Beware Milady, M'Lud! A metal dragon hath landed to do
thee harm! Worry not, for I shall smite the foul beast!"

Drake and Yomiko watched in disbelief as the knight rode past them and
toward the helicopter. However, before his lance could hit the chopper, one
of the still whirling blades struck him in the head, knocking him off his
horse and sending him flying a dozen meters away before landing hard on his
back.

"Sufferin' Succotash," I-Jin's resurrected voice actor, now with decidedly
feline characteristics, bemoaned.

The knight rose shakily to his feet, his helmet turned completely around.
His head shook back and forth quickly. "Zounds. A knight hath fallen, and
now night hath fallen. Surely tis an omen."

"Your helmet's on backwards, you nincompoop," his partner told him.

Drake and Yomiko could only stare in stupefaction at the sight.

"This guy's an idiot," Drake said as he watched the knight try to draw his
sword, only to send it flying away as he lost his grip on it.

"Well, his parents were brother and sister," Joker pointed out.

"He's more dangerous to himself than to anyone else," Yomiko added, as the
knight tripped over his own feet and ended up in a fountain.

It was at that moment a horrifying chant filled the air.

"Ba duba dop ba do bop."

"What is that disgusting noise?" Drake asked as the sound invoked a wave of
nausea.

"Ba duba do ba do."

The sound grew louder, as though the source of the unholy cacophony was
drawing nearer.

The first I-Jin now had a red walrus style mustache and blanched. "What in
tarnation is making that racket?"

Joker said, "It must the last I-Jin. I'll see if there are any on the list
that are noise oriented. I'm, ah, also going to cut the sound on my end for
a moment, so if I don't answer you, that will be why."

"I wish I could cut sound to my ears," Yomiko grimaced.

Sir Morded held his helmet between his hands and began screaming, "The gates
of Hell have been opened and unloosed the Beast which will devour us all! We
are doomed! Doomed! And I can't get my helmet off either!"

The chant rose to a loud, "Mmmbop ba duba dop ba do bop!" and ended the
thing making the noise appeared. It burst out of the doors of the library, a
repulsive monstrosity with the body of a man, but having three heads. All
three resembled ugly-looking, scraggly-haired, pimply face teenagers whose
very image would cause animals to howl and make children flee in terror.

Joker's voice returned. "I've found it. It's I-Jin's most abominable
creation. An unholy mixture of pop culture and poor taste that would make
even Andy Warhol contend that some things should never have fifteen minutes
of fame."

"It's a clone of Hanson!" Yomiko declared angrily.

"Yes," Joker affirmed.

"They aren't dead!" Yomiko pointed out.

"Well, their careers certainly are. I-Jin cloned that and sent it out to
spread a reign of terror through the world."

Yomiko was trembling in anger. "Do you mean to tell me you dragged us out
here to take care of a voice actor, an incompetent knight-"

"Oh god, I've run myself through! Someone, pull this sword out of me before
I bleed to death!"

Yomiko gritted her teeth. "And a three-headed boy band?"

"I-Jin's used up the rest of things they could clone. This was all they had
left," Joker insisted.

Yomiko's shoulders slumped in defeat. She turned to Drake. "I can't do it.
It's too silly. Would you mind taking care of things while I go over here to
read a little and soothe my nerves?"

"With pleasure. My daughter made me listen to that !#$% song about a hundred
times before I lost it and blew up her CD player." Drake pulled back the
bolt on his rifle. To the three-headed abomination, he said, "Hey Ugly!
Mmmbop this!" and emptied his magazine into the beast.

Yomiko leaned back against a tree and returned to reading her book, the
smell of fragmentation grenades and napalm soothing her as it filled the
air.

xxxxxxxxxx

[End spamfic] Well, they had to run out of clones at some point. And my
deepest apologies for any flashbacks brought on by the Mmmbop lyrics.







             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'