Akane twisted the dial, and voices from her radio filled the room.

"...Public Affairs Radio, and I'm your host, Kinnosuke Cashew. Today's
guests are a couple of students from Furinkan High School, Hiroshi
Chapatsu and Daisuke Mifune."

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Guys, everybody's talking about this old man's underwear that was
stolen. Now, you're friends with some of the people who live at that
house, isn't that correct?"

"Can I just say here that this underwear theft was a terrible, vicious
crime, and that the perpetrator should be caught and punished?"

"Oh, sure, you can say that, Hiroshi. What do you think, Daisuke?"

"I think that this underwear theft was a terrible, vicious crime, and
that the perpetrator should be caught and punished."

"Hey, didn't I already say the same thing?"

"Um, I guess so. I figured it couldn't hurt to say it again."

"Now, boys, you two are very typical high school students, and certainly
not the types who someone would slip five hundred yen to come on a radio
show and say what she wanted you to say, am I right?"

"Oh, absolutely."

"Yeah, it was only four hundred."

"Shut up, dummy! Anyway, one thing that Daisuke and I do that isn't so
typical is write fanfiction."

"Oh really? I wasn't aware of that."

"I guess it's another of those things that Takahashi forgot to mention."

Kinnosuke chuckled. It was a running gag for him to blame his research
director, Abe Takahashi, for any piece of relevant information that he
hadn't been briefed on before the show.

"Fanfiction is great. You write stories about characters that you take
from anime or movies or somewhere like that, and you post them to the
internet. When you write something really good, you get made a 'big name
author' and then women everywhere are hot for you."

"Hiroshi's right. In fact, he and I have written a fic inspired by this
underwear incident, which we've brought to read on your show."

"I'm sure our listeners would love to hear that. Go right ahead, guys."

"*Righteous Rage,* by Hiroshi and Daisuke. Ahem. Sailor Moon sat in
her...."

"Disclaimer!"

"Oh yeah. Thanks, 'roshi. Disclaimer: We can't be bothered to give
credit to the author whose character we're using. Nevertheless, please
don't sue us."

"It's a joke. Ha ha."

"Anyway. Sailor Moon sat in her living room, reading the newspaper
article about the old man whose underwear was stolen. 'This was a
terrible, vicious crime,' she said, 'and that the perpetrator should be
caught and punished.'"

"Er... that's it, is it?"

"I bet those women are lining up outside our doors right now."



			      THE MASTER'S
			       UNDERTHINGS

		       Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
	      (with guest appearances from Oh My Goddess!
			   and Maison Ikkoku)
			     by Gary Kleppe


The characters and storylines of Ranma 1/2 and Maison Ikkoku are the
creation of Rumiko Takahashi. The characters of Oh My Goddess! (Aa,
Megamisama!) are the creation of Kosuke Fujishima. All uses of these
characters in this story is without permission or legal right.
Permission is granted to copy and distribute this story, provided that
you maintain credit to the above authors and myself, you do not alter it
substantially without permission, and it is not made available on an
internet site which carries commercial advertising or otherwise used for
profit.

Thanks to Chan Wei Lik and KaraOhki for prereading the earlier sections
of this story, and to FFIRC Hour Challenge group 1 in which most of the
later material was written. As always, all feedback is welcomed and
encouraged.



Akane flicked the radio knob to off. She briefly considered going to
join the line of women that would no doubt be forming near Hiroshi and
Daisuke's houses, then decided it wasn't worth the trouble and put the
mallet down.

Someone knocked on her door.

"Come in!"

The familiar figure of her teacher pushed open the door, Ranma behind
her. "Ms. Tendo! Hiiii!"

"Oh, hi, Ms. Hinako. It's so nice of you to come visit me!"

"Well, I couldn't very well forget my best student, could I?" Hinako
smiled. "I just came by to bring you your homework. And Mr. Saotome's,
since he missed class today as well."

"You didn't go to school today, Ranma?"

"Um, no. I had... um, sympathy pains! That's just the kind of nice guy I
am. You get hurt, and I get hurt along with you."

Hinako rolled her eyes.

"Actually, Ranma *does* get sympathy pains, Ms. Hinako." Akane cracked
her knuckles. "He'll probably be getting some pretty major ones right
after you leave."

"Anyway," Hinako said, turning to hand Ranma a paper, "here's your
composition assignment back from last week. Overall, a good job.
However, please remember that an adjective should be accompanied by a
noun which it modifies."

"Oh yeah." Ranma accepted the paper. "My bad."

"Actually, I know why Ranma didn't go to school today," Akane said. "His
father's got him trying to develop a martial art based on
train-spotting, and he can't admit it's a stupid idea."

"Sure I can. It is a stupid idea!"

"You're still trying to do it, though. I bet you spent the whole day
watching the big diesel locomotives go by."

"I did not!" Ranma scowled. "And besides, they were electric, not
diesel."

"Now, as to your homework, Ms. Tendo...." Hinako pulled a notebook from
her handbag as Ranma slipped out of the room. "I thought that while
you're out of school, instead of the regular assignments, you could do a
special project. Research a topic and present it to me."

"All right," Akane said. "What topic?"

Hinako leaned in closer, and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "What do
husbands and wives do alone together in the bedroom?"

"I'm not researching THAT!"

"Oh, please!"

"No!"

"But I want to KNOW!" Hinako pouted. "And you've even got a fiance
already. They must have told you by now!"

Akane put a hand to her temple to nurse a sudden headache. She felt
oddly sorry for Hinako, the eternal child who would never be treated as
an adult. Akane slowly glanced from side to side, as if expecting
someone to be watching. "They have relations," she muttered.

"Relations?"

"Yes. You know what that means, don't you?"

"Of course I do. Brothers, cousins, uncles...."

Akane sighed. "You're sure you really want to know?"

Hinako nodded vigorously.

Akane sighed again.

***

Hinako's mind swam as she descended the stairs of the Tendo household.
*Oh,* she said to herself, *THOSE relations.*

"Yup, put me down for both of those dates on your show," Nabiki said
into the telephone. "I'll mail you a check ASAP. Right. Bye." She hung
up. "Oh, hello, Ms. Hinako. What brings you down here?"

"Just came to visit with Akane," Hinako said. "We had a discussion that
was very... interesting. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Rather busy recently. I've picked up a little
extra work. It's only temporary, but the money's quite good."

"Why, how nice! What sort of job is it?"

"Oh, just a little public relations that Master Happosai is paying me
for."

"Pub--"

"Are you all right?"

"Er, yes. I think I'd better be going. Bye, now!" Hinako hurried out the
door, closed it behind her, and then shuddered. Several times.

In *public?*

For MONEY?

With HAPPOSAI?!

Maybe she didn't want to know after all.

***

Ranma came down the stairs in time to see his father and Mr. Tendo
enter. "Yo! Old freak! They're back!"

"Hello, Father," Kasumi said. "Hello, Mr. Saotome. How was your
expedition?"

Happosai bounded out from behind Ranma, setting down yet another pile of
women's underwear, and stood in front of the two fathers like a general
inspecting his troops. "What do you have to report?"

"Nothing, Master," Soun said. "We questioned a lot of people. When asked
'are you the underwear thief,' all of them said no."

Happosai rolled his eyes. "Did you by any chance happen to think of
asking them where you might *find* the underwear thief?"

"Yes, we did, Master," Genma said.

"And?"

"They sent us here."

"Idiots!" Happosai whapped them on the forehead with his pipe. "But I
suppose it doesn't matter. I've now had time to consider this myself,
and there's really only one person it could be."

"Who's that, Master?" Soun asked.

"My dear old flame. Cologne." Happosai's eyes narrowed. "She's Chinese,
you know."

"We did know that, yeah," Ranma snorted.

"Chinese people are, you know, a little strange." He pointed to his
head. "Up here. I still remember the first time I met that dear
girl...."



"Oh, Happy. How can I ever thank you? You not only single-handedly
routed the invading armies, but also gave me multiple orgasms that I'll
remember as long as I... oh, I just shudder to think of it."

"Thanks are unnecessary. I merely do what duty dictates for a simple,
humble warrior such as myself." He bowed, his long mane of burgundy hair
billowing behind him. "If you've had a chance to review my
seventy-eight-page guide to effective local government, I believe you'll
find some principles which..."



"Hey, weren't you a blonde the last time you told this story?"

"Quiet, boy!"



"Oh, Happy. How can I ever thank you? You not only, um, whatever it was
I said the last time."

"Thanks are unnecessary." He bowed. "But now, I must depart."

"Wait! Oh, you must take our village's treasures with you! For the
services you've given us -- and especially me -- it is the very least
repayment we can offer."

"I cannot." He turned to go.

"You must!" She ran in front of him, holding up a large trunk bulging
with jewels. "Either you take this treasure, or I'm dumping it in the
river. Think of what that would do to the fishes."

"Very well. If it means that much to you, I shall accept your
valuables."

"Thank you! Thank you!"

Hefting the huge trunk onto one of his broad shoulders, he began to
walk.

"Oh, I should warn you of one thing. Being Chinese, I'm subject to
completely irrational fits of violence. When we meet again, I might
attack you, perhaps claiming that you stole all of the loot that I just
gave you. It's nothing I can help, you understand."

He nodded. "Farewell, good lady."



"Hey, wasn't that the time you first saw the Hiryu Shoten Ha? So that by
the time I learned it, you already knew about it?"

Happosai scratched his head. "Oh yeah."



"Being Chinese, I'm subject to completely irrational fits of violence.
In fact, I'm having one RIGHT NOW!" She raised her hands. "HIRYU SHOTEN
HA!"

"AAAAA!"



"My, what an interesting story!" Kasumi said.

"Right, boys." Happosai rubbed his hands together as he addressed Soun
and Genma. "Time to get to work. I want you to go back out there to
investigate. Find out that Cologne is responsible for stealing my
underwear."

"Er, Master," Soun said, "don't you mean that we should find out
*whether* Cologne--"

Happosai glared proverbial daggers back at him.

"The master knows what he means, Tendo." Genma took Soun by the arm, and
the two sprinted off. With a self-satisfied smile, Happosai sauntered
off behind them.

Kasumi eyed the pile of undergarments strewn across the floor. "Oh, I'd
better get started on washing all of Master Happosai's things."

"Kasumi," Ranma said, "don't you realize that these aren't his? That he
stole all of those undies?"

"I--" Her voice wavered. "I know Master Happosai isn't perfect." She
gestured, indicating the demolished wall. "But I just hope that he can
catch the person who did this. With someone like this on the loose,
shouldn't we all stick together?"

"Kasumi, the old freak is the *reason* why whoever this is is after us
in the first place. And he doesn't have a clue about who really did it.
All he's doing by stealing all these undies is making us a whole slew of
new enemies who might come crashing through our wall next year, or next
week. *He's* the one we need to be fighting against. Don't you see
that?"

"I-- I'm not a martial artist, Ranma. Fighting isn't any of my
business." Laundry in hand, she quickly slipped out of the room.

*Damn it,* Ranma thought. He liked Kasumi, and not just because she was
his meal ticket. She was probably the family member least likely to get
him into trouble, and least likely to bug him about stuff he didn't want
to be bugged about. But sometimes it seemed to him that she desperately
needed to have a certain above-the-neck appendage forcibly removed from
a certain orifice. *Fighting isn't any of my business.* Tell that to the
next person who comes here looking for revenge. If he doesn't kill you
before you get the chance.

***

Nabiki listened as Kinnosuke's voice came over the radio speaker. "Is
the caller there?"

"Hello?"

"Hello, madam. You're on the air."

"Really? Oh, wow. Um, I just wanted to say that I'm, y'know, appalled by
what these Chinese people did. It's obvious to me that they hate honor
and virtue and stuff like that. They're jealous of us because we're
like, so totally good."

Nabiki rolled her eyes. This was just *too* easy. It seemed like these
people would believe anything as long as you made them out to be the
heroes and somebody else to be the bad guys. Was there *any* limit to
how gullible they were?

***

Inside the Cat Cafe, Shampoo's bicycle skidded to a stop. "I home,
Great-grandmother!" she called as she stepped off it.

"Oh, Shampoo!" Mousse lunged forward, grabbing the target of his
affection in a forceful embrace. "I'm so glad you're safe!"

She smacked the back of his head. "Stop hugging bicycle. Of course I
safe. Why I not be safe?"

"Be-- because there's an angry mob surrounding our restaurant!"

*An angry mob?* She glanced outside, noting the path of flattened bodies
that now led to where she had entered. *Hmm. So there is.*

"Hand over the underwear!" one person shouted.

"Go back to your own country!" yelled another.

"They showed up early this afternoon," Cologne said, entering the room.
"None of them have actually attacked anyone... so far. But they have had
a big impact on business."

"Aiya!" Shampoo said. "Sales is down?"

"No, up." She pointed a thumb at the people outside. "Being part of a
lynch mob is hungry work."

Shampoo nodded. "Mousse and I go cook, then."

"Just a minute." Cologne's face hardened into a serious expression.
"These are hard times we face ahead, young ones. Enduring them will take
all of our resolve and require us to make difficult choices. Above all,
we must remember that we are all in this together. All for one, and one
for all."

"Absolutely!" Mousse cheered.

"So, Mousse, you're fired."

"Huh?"

"If Happy and his cronies manage to convince people to boycott us, there
won't be much money coming in. I can't risk any chance of not being able
to afford that vacation package I've got my eye on."

"I... see. I'll go pack up my things, then." Mousse looked over at
Shampoo, as if searching for sympathy. Finding none, he sulked out of
the room.

"You look surprised by this, Great-Granddaughter," Cologne said.

Shampoo nodded. "I not realize we paying him in first place." She
smirked. "But is his tough luck."

"Absolutely. Oh, and one other thing. With him gone, you'll have to do
the work he used to do, plus your own."

Uttering a non-committal grunt, Shampoo plodded out of the room.

***

Seeing no one had even come to say goodbye, Mousse drew a heavy sigh,
and stepped out into the late-evening gloom.

"Hey, boy."

Mousse looked up. A trio of beefy men stood before him, their faces
glowering menacingly.

"Let's have it." The man in the middle reached out a hand. "Right now,
and there won't be any trouble."

"Er... have what?"

"Don't play dumb, China boy." The man moved closer. "We know you've got
the underwear."

"I have?"

The man nodded. "Hand it over, and nobody'll have to get hurt."

"All right." Mousse reached inside his robes and pulled out an item.
"Here you go."

"What do you take us for, China boy?" The man took the item, which was a
roll of paper towels, and threw it to where it unrolled across the
sidewalk. "The underwear. Now."

"Oh. Sorry." Mousse's hand dug into the other side of his robes. "How
about this, then?"

The man shook his head slowly. "That's a trombone."

"Okay, wait a minute. I think it's this one."

"Nope. That's a copy of the dictionary."

"Hm. Then how about...."

***

The saleslady raised an eyebrow. "That will be twenty-three thousand
eight hundred ninety-eight yen, madam."

Setting the clothes she was buying on the counter, Nabiki casually
pulled a wad of bills from her purse and peeled off the asked-for
amount. While she'd been less than thrilled about the idea of working
for Happosai, it was certainly nice to be able to buy whatever she
wanted without having to worry about the price.

"Thank you, madam."

Scooping up her purchases, Nabiki strolled toward the exit. So, she
thought, what now? She'd set aside the evening to enjoy herself, to get
away from obligations for a little while. After all, money was worthless
if it didn't get spent.

Perhaps dinner at Hiyo's next. It would be a refreshing change to go
there without having to con some boyfriend-wannabe into taking her.
Though when it came down to it, what she was doing wasn't all that
different from her usual schtick. In a sense, she had a whole
neighborhood full of suitors to take advantage of, for as long as they
were gullible enough to put up with it.

*Just how gullible *are* these people?* she wondered. Enough to...

*No.* She tried to push the mental image out of her mind. There was
*nobody* who could *possibly* be dumb enough to buy into *that.*

Or was there?

***

"It seems that our citizens have come up with a new way of showing
solidarity with the victims of the still-at-large underwear thief,"
Kinnosuke announced. "Groups of men have been spotted wearing their
underwear on the outside of their clothes. The management of this
station applauds these spontaneous outbursts of grass-roots support, and
wishes it to be known that all of our personnel will be wearing our
underwear on the outside until the criminal is brought to justice."

Nabiki put a hand to her mouth. It wouldn't do to laugh, not while
sitting in the control room from which the show was being broadcast
live. She had to give Kinnosuke credit, though. While the "grass-roots
support," of course, was entirely phony, at least the man practiced what
he preached, as evidenced by the pair of red-and-green plaid boxers that
she was trying very hard not to stare at.

"With me in the studio now is Master Happosai, the old gentleman who was
the primary victim of this crime," Kinnosuke continued. "Sir, I
understand that you have evidence that suggests who the guilty parties
might be."

Happosai plopped himself onto the desk. "That I do. While I'm not in a
position to name any definite names at the moment, let me just say that
if I were investigating this -- which I am -- I might start by visiting
a certain Chinese restaurant in Nerima."

"Mmm, the Cat Cafe. What leads you to believe that those people are
involved?"

"Oh, a few things." He pulled a magazine out of his shirt. "I happened
to find this at the scene of the crime."

"'Sino-Decagenarian Monthly?' That's rather rare, isn't it?"

"Very much so. I had to send all the way to Beijing to get this copy."

Kinnosuke's eyes rolled. "The copy that you obtained in order to check
it against the copy found at the scene and make sure that it was the
same thing?"

"Er... yes. *That* copy."

Nabiki could almost hear the old-style cash register going off inside
Kinnosuke's head. *Chhk-CHINNNG!* Every time he had to rescue Happosai
from a gaffe, it would cost her money. Oh well. Expenses had to be met,
and there wasn't much she could do about it. Besides, there was still
plenty left over for her to spend.

"I also found this at the scene." Happosai produced a sheet of paper,
which he handed to Kinnosuke.

"'I've gat'... er, 'I've got your undress'... this is almost impossible
to make out."

"Oh come on!" Happosai snatched the note. "My handwriting is not that
bad!"

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Er... I mean my handwriting is not as bad as *this* handwriting, which,
um, is pretty bad. Anyway, it says 'I've got your undies and you'll
never get them back! Nya ha ha! Sincerely, Ke Lun.'"

"Let's go to the phones," Kinnosuke said. "And remember, we welcome
opposing viewpoints. Critics get moved to the top of the line. Is the
first caller there?"

***

Shampoo came into the back room to find Cologne on the telephone. "Who
calling, Great-grandmother?"

Cologne looked up. "I'm trying to call into that radio show that
Happosai is doing, to give our side of the story. But I can't get
through. I told the call screener what I wanted to say and he just put
me on hold."

"I try?"

Cologne handed over the phone. Shampoo pushed the button to disconnect
the call, then hit redial.

"Hello? This Kinnosuke's show? Oooooooooh!! I *such* big fan! He *so*
absolutely right about *everything!* I want have his baby!"

She passed back the telephone as another voice answered. "Is the caller
there? This is Kinnosuke, and you're on the air."

"You have a real talent, young lady," Cologne said. "Hello, Happy."

"AAAA!" Happosai's voice came over the phone. "It's her! The underwear
thief herself!"

"I don't really know *what* you're talking about."

"Oh, you don't, do you. For all of you folks at home, this is Cologne.
If we could search her restaurant, the Cat Cafe, the hunt for the
missing underwear would be over. But she'll never agree to that."

"Search the Cat Cafe? If you insist."

"Never in a million years would she possibly give us permission to...."

"I just did, Happy."

For a moment, no one spoke.

"See you tonight, then?"

"Er. Ah. All right, then. But don't think that you can get away
with...."

"While we're on the subject, perhaps there are other places we ought to
look for stolen underwear. Maybe... oh, maybe someplace like the one
where you--"

"Hello?!" Kinnosuke interrupted. "Hello, caller? Caller? It seems we've
been cut off."

***

Ranma leaned back against the wall of his bedroom and sighed. The
trigonometry problems in his textbook had dissolved into a dull blur
under the weight of his stare; all he could concentrate on was how
pissed off he was about the whole Happosai business.

He wondered if Happosai had known that somebody was going to attack that
night. Was it more than just a coincidence that he'd left the house for
the evening? Since when had he been interested in ballet, anyway?
Maybe... maybe he'd even *arranged* the whole thing himself. That would
be a new low, even for him. But the way he'd turned it so completely to
his advantage made Ranma have to wonder.

Quiet footsteps at the doorway to the room attracted Ranma's attention.
He looked up in time to see a shadowy, diminutive figure skulk into the
room. "Get lost, you old piece of--" The figure stood into view. "Huh?
YOU?"

***

Ranma poured the hot water, and the small child morphed into an equally
small old man. "What are you doing here?" Ranma asked cautiously.

Lukkosai grinned. "Now, is that any way to talk to the only person who
can solve your problems?"

Ranma grunted non-committally.

"As long as Happosai's the master of the Anything Goes School, he'll get
his way. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So this." Lukkosai pulled out a yellowed scroll and unrolled it.

Ranma took the scroll, scanned up and down, and handed it back. "I can't
make out a word of this."

"It's a document, signed by Happosai fifty years ago. It states that if
I can get a majority of the school's members to vote in favor of it,
then he'll step down and I will become master of the school."

"You're kiddin'." Ranma glanced at the scroll again, which was still
illegible. "Why did he agree to somethin' like that?"

"You must understand, back then, his status as master of the school was
precarious at best. Many of our members would have simply left if they
felt they weren't being given any say in the way it was run. So he gave
them a choice."

Ranma shook his head. "I don't get any of this. But if that's my
choices, you got my vote. Not like you could be any worse than him."

"I appreciate that." Lukkosai shook his hand, and Ranma wondered if that
last statement wouldn't go in the record books under dumbest things ever
said. "But I need more than that."

"Huh?"

"Ranma, the only way I can win this is if you help me convince other
people to think the same way you do."

Ranma snorted. "Fat chance. I got better things to do."

"As you wish." Lukkosai slipped out of the room.

Ranma grumbled to himself. As if he was going to go around trying to
convince people that one pervert was better than another pervert. What a
total waste of time.

And yet, it was true what Lukkosai had said. Happosai *would* get his
way as long as he was in charge of the school. Pop and Mr. Tendo
certainly weren't about to stand up to him.

Ranma sighed.

***

A knock sounded, and Akane opened her bedroom door. "No, Ranma, you may
not copy my math homework."

"That is *so* completely not what I came to ask you, Akane."

"Then what is it?"

Ranma stepped inside. "Akane, you don't think it's a good thing that the
head of our school is an old pervert, do you?"

"Of course I don't," she answered.

"Yeah. Neither do I. So--" Out of the corner of his eye, Ranma saw
Lukkosai zip through the door into the room, heading directly for
Akane's underwear drawer. "Whoa!" Ranma pointed behind her away from
Lukkosai.

She looked back. "Huh?"

Ranma leaned over and flattened Lukkosai with his elbow. "Oh. Nothin'. I
thought I saw a cockroach, but it was just a smudge."

"Oh." She turned around. "Why are you hunched like that?"

"It's a new exercise. Anyway, like I was sayin'... We don't want the
Anything Goes school in the hands of a pervert who steals underwear."
His elbow pushed into Lukkosai's skull. "DO WE?"

"No, we don't." Akane handed him a pencil. "As long as you're here,
would you please sharpen this?"

"Oh. Sure." Ranma reached behind him to insert the pencil in the
sharpener. "But back to what I was saying, the completely last person in
the world we should want as the head of our school would be an old
pervert who steals panties, right?"

"Right. And it was just as right the first two times," Akane said.

Lukkosai twisted free of Ranma's grasp, making a beeline for the
underwear drawer. Ranma's foot quickly came down on top of his head,
pummeling him into the ground.

"What was that for?"

"Um, looks like it *was* a cockroach after all. I'll clean it up for you
before I go."

"Oh."

"So, anyway, we certainly wouldn't want... um... what I'm trying to say
is... I mean, what I really want to ask you is..."

"Yes?"

"Could I copy your math homework?"

***

"Wait, I think I've got it. Here."

"Nope. That's a toaster, China Boy."

"Oh. Then how about...."

***

"For those of you just joining us," Kinnosuke narrated into his portable
microphone, "we're broadcasting live from the apartments above the Cat
Cafe, where the search for the missing underwear is in progress. So far
nothing's been turned up, but it's widely believed that it's only a
matter of time."

"There." Happosai pointed toward an opened window. "An underwear thief
would be able to make good use of that, to get in or out."

"You think they may have used it the night your underwear was stolen?"
Kinnosuke asked.

"Oh, no. Just something I felt was noteworthy."

"You look every place you want," Shampoo said. "We nothing to hide."

Happosai looked her over. "You probably wear a silk bikini-cut panty, am
I right?"

"That none of your business," the Amazon replied indignantly.

"So much for having nothing to hide," Happosai grumbled.

Kinnosuke moved to the back of the group. "With me now is a young man
who is bravely helping out on this expedition, Mr. Ryoga Hibiki."

"Uh, hello," Ryoga said into the microphone. "Am-- am I really on the
radio?"

"That you are."

"Oh, wow. I mean, er, I, um, that is to say...."

Happosai whispered to Nabiki, "Why is he here?"

"Security," she answered.

Happosai glanced back at Ryoga, beaming him a kind smile, then turned
back to Nabiki. "You've got to be kidding."

"Look, if there's a battle here, someone's going to get clobbered. I'd
really rather that not be me. It probably won't be you, considering how
good you are at getting out of the way. If it's Kinnosuke, I won't care
all that much, but for now we need him healthy. So I decided to hire
someone who's an expert at getting clobbered."

"Ah, I see. Martial Arts Cannon Fodder."

"Exactly. Ranma might've been better, but he isn't exactly supporting
your cause at the moment."

Happosai zipped to the back. "Can I just say here that young men like
Mr. Higaisha here are truly the backbone of our martial arts school."

"Hibiki," Ryoga said.

"Hah?"

"My name is Hibiki, sir."

"Oh, right. Anyway, the point is that we, unlike certain contrary
cross-dressers who we could name, fully appreciate and support Mr.
Hitsuji as he bravely defends the honor of his, or rather my, martial
arts school." Happosai patted Ryoga on the back. "Good lad! Salt of the
Earth!" He quickly slipped to the front of the group where Nabiki stood,
and whispered, "Are we actually paying him for this?"

"Uh huh."

"How much?"

"Five hundred yen."

"That much?!" Happosai noticed something stuck to his foot. He bent down
and retrieved a sheet of paper. "What's this?"

It was a photocopy of a map showing a section of Tokyo. A red X marked
one particular spot on the map; an arrow, labeled with a word Nabiki
couldn't quite make out, pointed to it. "It says... 'undead'?"

"Don't be silly. Why would someone give us a map to undead?" Happosai
looked at it. "It obviously says... um... 'undress'! That's it! Some
kind soul has sent us--"

A paper airplane sailed in through the window, looping in the air and
landing across his forehead. He picked it up and unfolded it. It read in
large block letters: IT SAYS "UNDIES," YOU IDIOT!

"Ah, of course," Happosai said. "Undies would've been my second guess."

"I think I can guess *whose* undies," Nabiki said. "Assuming it isn't a
trap, or just a wild goose chase."

"Does it really *matter* whose undies? Unless you think she's really old
and--"

Nabiki drew a slow breath. "Just whose undies have we been looking for?"

Happosai's brows narrowed in thought. "Oh! You mean mine."

"Mmmm-hmmmm."

"At last! I'll fetch those two ingrate students of mine, and we'll visit
that location tonight."

Concealed behind the trash cans below the window, Zhen Guairen resisted
the urge to laugh.

***

"I'm Kinnosuke Cashew with a special report. With me is a young man
known as Mousse."

"Uh, hi."

"I understand that until recently you worked as a busboy in the Cat
Cafe, and also lived there."

"That's correct, yes."

"As our listeners know, earlier tonight a search of the Cat Cafe for the
missing underwear came up empty, leading us to believe that it's been
hidden elsewhere. As someone who's both lived and worked there, you are
in a unique position to tell us: was there, at any time, men's underwear
in the Cat Cafe?"

"There was."

"You're sure?"

"No doubt about it."

"Yes, folks, you heard it here first, from a person who would definitely
know the truth. The stolen underwear belonging to Master Happosai was--"

"Oh, no."

"Pardon?"

"The underwear wasn't Master Happosai's. It was mine. I used to live
there, you know. In fact, before they fired me I heard Cologne say that
she had no idea where Happosai's underwear was or who had stolen it."

"Yes, as I said, you heard it from a person who is an obvious dupe and
quite clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. We'll be right back
after these messages."

***

Kasumi stepped into Nabiki's bedroom, carrying a basket of laundry.
"Here's your clothes, Nabiki. Goodness, are you programming something on
your computer?"

"Mmm hmm. You know how Master Happosai has agreed that Lukkosai can
replace him as head of Anything Goes if a majority of the school agree
to it?"

"Yes, I remember Ranma mentioning that."

"Well, I figured that having people vote openly on the question would be
a bad idea. Since paper ballots and such are also prone to mistakes and
abuse, I've set up my computer so that it will be able to record and
count everyone's votes."

"How clever!"

"See, this window on the left lists the names of everyone eligible to
vote. When each person votes, there'll be a green mark next to his
name."

"I see that Ranma already has a red mark next to his?"

"Oh yes. You see, anyone who's been sanctioned by a controlling legal
authority is considered to have dishonored the school, and hence doesn't
get a vote. Ranma's got quite a few detentions on his record from
school."

Kasumi set a pile of clothes onto the bed. "I really think it's clever
that you can program something like this, Nabiki. You know, I took a
course in computers back when I was in high school. Maybe I could look
at your program? I'd really like to see how you've written it."

"No! I'm sorry, Kasumi, but I don't let anyone look at my source code."

"But I--"

"I know *you* wouldn't do anything wrong, but there are bad, bad people
out there, Kasumi."

"Really?" She put a hand to her lip. "What kind of people?"

"You know, bad people." Nabiki paused as if to think. "International
Nazi terrorist spies."

"Goodness!"

"Yes. They're out there, Kasumi. And they'd like nothing better than to
sabotage the Anything Goes school. So you see, if nobody but me knows
how this program works, then I don't need to worry about them hurting
anyone else."

Nabiki began filing her laundry into various drawers.

"Oh, and this button here must display the results," Kasumi said,
pointing the mouse and clicking.

"Um, I wouldn't--"

"Oh my. Isn't that odd? Master Happosai already has eighteen thousand,
one hundred and eighty-one votes."

"Erm. Yes, well, the fact of the matter is...."

"That's really strange, don't you think? I mean, all that, before anyone
has actually voted?"

"Well, Kasumi, you see...."

"Yes?"

"The truth is... Master Happosai is really, really popular."

Kasumi stared back, eyes blinking. "I... see."

Nabiki slid the drawer shut on the last of her clothing. "Is there
another load coming out? I'm missing all of my underwear."

"No, this should be everything." Kasumi's eyes widened as if in shock.
"Oh dear. The international Nazi terrorist spies must have gotten it!"

Nabiki's eyes rolled.

***

A cloud of smoke exploded in the Rusu living room.

"At last!" Zhen Guairen exclaimed. Did Happosai think that entering
under the cover of a smoke bomb would impress anyone? Such a fool. Zhen
quickly reached into his coat and threw out a small grenade. It hit the
ground, and pale green smoke hissed out of it. *Sleep well, hated one,*
he chortled to himself.

The smoke cleared to reveal two figures, one of which was a decidedly
unamused-looking Mara.

"You're not Happosai," Zhen observed.

"You noticed."

"What are you doing here?" he challenged.

"I promised you a succubus whore, remember?" She glanced toward the
figure on her right. A bright red Chinese-style dress hung loosely over
a frame that was little more than a skeleton thinly coated in skin.
Irregular patches of hair like wilted gray weeds protruded from its
head. "Enjoy."

The succubus opened its mouth, and a sound not unlike a cat disgorging a
hairball eaked out. "Hey there, ssstud."

"I have no time for such distractions," Zhen said.

"Well, you might want to get more sleep gas," Mara said. "Fortunately,
that sort of thing doesn't work on me. We demons al buiaaaawww--" Her
words slurred together into an elongated yawn, she stumbled backwards,
slumped against the wall, and slid down to the ground, eyes shut.

"My hated enemy is near. I can feel it." Zhen's eyes scanned the room,
trying to take in every small detail. Happosai was clever, and in order
to not be taken by surprise Zhen would need to be completely in tune
with his surroundings, aware of everything.

"Would this be the hated enemy whose underwear you stole from the
Tendos' place?" said a voice behind him.

"Yes, of course," Zhen answered dismissively. This was yet another
distraction that he had no time for. If he was to....

*Wait a minute....*

Zhen turned and found himself face-to-face with Happosai.

"You?!" both said simultaneously.

***

*Fwee-oo-WEEET!* Happosai's whistle sliced through the air. Genma and
Soun, hearing the signal, sprinted toward its source, with Ranma right
behind. They had persuaded him to join their expedition on the grounds
that he might get a shot at fighting the person who'd injured Akane.

The three fighters advanced through the large hole in the wall to where
Happosai stood facing a greasy little man with a pencil-thin moustache.
"Is this the culprit, master?" Soun asked.

"Yes. No," Happosai stammered. "It *couldn't*... I mean, this is Zhen
Guairen. My student. The best student I ever had. You can't imagine how
superior he was to all the useless clods who followed him."

Genma cleared his throat noisily.

"Present company expected?" offered Ranma helpfully.

"Hm? Yes, of course." Happosai positioned himself directly in Soun's
face. "I tell you, I gave that young man everything. You know that? It's
only because of my training that he became the biggest and best pervert
in all of China. And do you know how he repays me? *Do you?!*"

Soun opened his mouth to answer, but Happosai didn't give him time.

"By trying to steal *my* collection of women's undies, that's how! MY
collection!" Happosai zipped away from Soun over to address Genma. "I
taught him everything I knew! I taught him to lie, to cheat, to take
whatever he wanted. Where did I go wrong?!"

"Well, I--" Genma began.

"Naturally, I couldn't let that slide. So I gave him an Ultimate
Moxibustion." A trace of sadness colored Happosai's voice. "Such a
waste. Anyway, I dropped him off at a monastery in Tibet, where he could
meditate on the folly of his ways. That was the last I saw him. Must've
been at least twenty years ago."

"Indeed it was," Zhen said, his voice simmering with hatred. "Can you
imagine what it was like? Twenty years surrounded by nothing but men.
Twenty years without the sight or the smell or the touch of a woman. Can
you imagine?"

"Actually, it might be a nice change," Ranma said, and then jerked his
head as if expecting to be clobbered.

Zhen ignored him and continued. "Finally, I've escaped from the prison
to which you sent me. And I have returned to take my revenge."

"The only thing you'll take is a beating." Happosai threw back his arm,
with one of his patented fire bombs in hand. "And we're going to take
back my underwear."

"You wouldn't dare throw that," Zhen said. "I have a hostage!" The
others noticed the small, emaciated figure in a Chinese dress standing
next to him. Zhen quickly pulled the figure in front of him, produced a
knife, and put it up to her throat. Genma, Soun, and Ranma instinctively
stepped back.

"Oh, you have a hostage, do you?" Happosai snarled. "Well, do you know
what *I* have?"

"What?"

He threw the bomb. "A complete lack of scruples!" The bomb exploded,
momentarily obscuring Zhen and his hostage in a cloud of fire.

"Damn it, you old--" Ranma tackled Happosai, shoving him down onto the
floor. "You don't go around blowing up innocent people!"

"Ack!" Happosai rolled out from under Ranma, and stood. "Why do you hate
your martial arts school so much?"

Genma glanced back at Zhen. His former hostage now had a grip on his
arm, and twisted it, and the knife dropped out of his hand. A knee
slammed into his groin, and Zhen fell back against the wall, his mouth
hanging open in stunned shock.

"Nice goin', lady," Ranma said.

The erstwhile hostage slithered up next to him. "Buy me a drink, big
boy?" it hissed. Ranma took a look at its face, and turned away,
gagging.

At that moment, the wall above Zhen buckled inward and shattered. On the
other side stood a bulky man.

"Momo... taru," Zhen gasped.

Ranma looked up. "Hey! You must be the guy who attacked Akane!"

Zhen picked himself up. "Attack the boy, Momotaru."

Momotaru lunged at Ranma, who dodged easily, then expertly somersaulted
over the larger man's head and landing behind him. Before his opponent
could turn, Ranma launched a series of rapid-fire punches to the
abdomen. Momotaru merely grunted and launched another punch, which Ranma
ducked.

"Let's take this outside," Ranma said, and then both combatants
disappeared through the hole in the wall.

The other martial artists turned to face Zhen, only to see him dash out
of the room. They followed in time to see him run through a doorway in
the hall.

"It could be a trap, Master," Soun warned.

Happosai waved a hand dismissively. "Trap, schmap. He's got my undies!"
He paused for a moment. "But just to be sure, you two go first."

"Er, yes, of course, Master." Genma's mind raced, but could see no way
out of it. He pushed the door open to reveal walls of unfinished
plywood. The garage? Was Zhen planning to drive away? But he didn't see
any vehicle parked inside. Had he already....

"Over here, fools!" Zhen's voice called from inside the garage.

Genma didn't like this. "After you, Tendo."

"No, after you, Saotome."

"No, no, I insist."

A kick from Happosai sent them both tumbling forward. As they righted
themselves, they looked around. The front door was still lowered, and
Zhen stood before it. Nothing else was unusual, except for the French
poodle sitting quietly in the middle of the floor.

"What's there?" Happosai called from the house.

"A poodle, Master," answered Genma.

"A what?" Happosai marched in, pushing Soun aside. "All right, you...."

The dog looked up. It tensed, and its mouth drew back into a snarl.

Happosai pushed Soun back in front of him.

The poodle suddenly sprang through the air like a bullet. Teeth like
sharpened spikes bared as it lunged forward. The three men emitted a
panicked, unintelligible yell as they fell backwards.
"YAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAAA!"

Seemingly swerving in mid-air, the dog landed squarely in the middle of
Happosai's chest. Maybe, Genma thought, this was actually a lucky break.
His honor as a member of the school required that he make at least a
token effort to defend the old lecher against an outside threat, but he
certainly wouldn't shed any tears if those efforts were ultimately
fruitless. But once this Zhen fellow was through with Happosai, what
then? The chances seemed pretty small that he would let Genma and Soun
live; even if his vendetta against the Master didn't extend to his
students, he might want them out of the way because they were witnesses.

*Oh, gods, if there's anyone who can hear me,* Genma screamed silently.
*Help?*

The poodle's maw jerked open. It stood on hind legs, poised to sink its
fangs into Happosai's throat, who seemed unable to move.

Suddenly, the dog's head reared back. Its eyes momentarily glazed over,
almost seeming to spin in their sockets. Happosai blinked twice in
surprise, then rolled out from under the animal.

"Oh, thank you!" Genma blurted out. "Thank you, whoever!" The thought
occurred to him that since he hadn't prayed to anyone in particular, and
in fact had no idea who had answered him -- if it hadn't simply been
coincidence -- he wasn't obligated to do anything in return for the
favor. But saying that out loud might not be such a good idea.

***

"Um... Mr. Yotsuya? What did I just do here?"

"Let me see, sir. Hm. You seem to have hit the Smite button."

"Really?"

"I believe so, sir."

"My gosh, would you believe it? Do you know how many times I've looked
for that button? I can't count the number of times I've wanted to smite
someone and ended up creating statues, or causing a flood, or...."

"Ah, yes, sir. But just the same.... perhaps we ought to figure out whom
you've just smited."

"Well, whoever it is, he must've deserved it. I'm infallible, you know."

"There is that, sir. Just the same, though, you might perhaps wish to
apply the Undo sequence here. That would still be fully consistent with
infallibility, under the 'moves in mysterious ways' clause."

"Well, if you say so. Undo is control-shift-meta-quad-Z, right?"

"No, sir. Control-meta-tert-shift-Z."

"Control-tert-meta-shift-Z?"

"Not quite, sir."

***

Ranma bounded nimbly along the fence top as his opponent lumbered
forward, his feet carving large divots in the pavement as bystanders
dashed away to safety.

It was one of the most frustrating battles Ranma had been in. Sure, he
had no trouble keeping well away from Momotaru's clumsy attacks. But he
couldn't for the life of him come up with an effective
counter-offensive; Momotaru seemed to be able to shrug off everything
that hit him without batting an eyelash. Punching through a mountain
would be easier. What would it take to put him down? Maybe being dropped
from the top of Tokyo tower... but how to get him up there, without any
innocent people being hurt?

Switching direction, Ranma sprinted down Detchiage Street, his opponent
turning to follow. *Damn it,* he thought. He had no idea. He could just
run, but then Momotaru would just go back home, and the others would
have to deal with him. Besides, for what he'd done to Akane, Ranma
wanted this guy to get flattened, and he wanted to be the one to do it.
If he'd had any brains, he'd have spent the past few days working on
some sort of counter-attack against someone strong enough to crash
through walls. Instead, his idiot Pop had made him stuff his head with
train schedules for the mother of all dumb ideas. *Stupid Pop. And
stupid me, for going along with it.*

Then, he had an idea.

***

Slowly, deliberately, the Fenris Poodle raised its head. Its eyes
narrowed, scanning its surroundings, and its mouth began to curve into a
malevolent smile.

"So," its high-pitched voice boomed, "Once again I find myself on the
mortal plane."

"Destroy Master Happosai!" Zhen said. "I command it!"

The dog shot him a withering glare. "Silence, fool! You address the Lord
of Ultimate Terror!"

"You don't look all that terrifying," Soun said.

It looked down at itself. "Ah, yes, this body. I've worn far worse, you
know. But no matter. Finally I find myself restored to full awareness."
It glanced the room. "I also find myself surrounded by nothing but
cretins, with nothing to stop me from carrying out my plan of ultimate
destruction: cutting the universal superstring!"

"Huh?" Happosai said. "But you can't!"

The poodle grinned. "And who is to stop me, hm?"

"No, I mean you really can't! The superstring is a *quantum field!*"

"Eh?"

"There isn't just *one* superstring. According to that theory, strings
are continually being produced and absorbed by the vacuum."

"It doesn't matter!" the poodle snarled.

"Master," Soun said, "don't strings supposedly interact via the breaking
and recombining of strings? Strings are being cut all the time in
virtual quantum-mechanical processes."

"Shut UP!"

"That's right, Tendo," Genma said. "And what's more, string theory is
completely hypothetical anyway, with the inherent nonlocality of its
interactions making it unlikely that the theory could possibly possess a
stable vacuum at all, let alone one matching the observed universe."

Soun nodded at him approvingly. "The master's rigorous program of
Martial Arts High Energy Theoretical Physics was a success, eh,
Saotome?"

***

"Control-tert-quad-Z?"

"No, sir."

"Well, then, here. You do it."

"Certainly, sir.

***

Ranma crouched on the pavement, smiling slightly. "Hey! Buddy! Over
here!"

Momotaru advanced.

Ranma motioned, daring his opponent forward. His timing had to be
exactly right; most likely, he wouldn't get a second chance.

Momotaru advanced.

Bells began to ring.

Momotaru advanced.

A gust of air whooshed over Ranma. A hundred tons of freight train
slammed into Momotaru, knocking him into the air like a billiard ball;
he skidded, landing with a thud on the other side of the train as its
wheels clattered along the track.

Okay, so maybe it hadn't been such a dumb idea after all.

***

"Happy!" Mara smiled. "Haven't seen you in a long time! How've ya been?"

"Oh, I'm..." Happosai ducked, an instant before a fluffy paw would've
taken his eyeball out. "I'm hanging in there."

Mara watched as Happosai sprinted around the room, the Fenris Poodle
chasing inches behind. "I guess this is a bad time to talk, huh?"

"Master Happosai will soon be no more," Zhen gloated. "Sooner or later,
he'll have to stop running. He'll run out of breath, first figuratively,
and then literally. Ha ha ha!"

"Oh," Mara said. "Then it *is* a good time."

"Jealous ingrate," Happosai huffed. The poodle lunged for him. He caught
it under the chin with his legs, and somersaulted, flinging it into a
wall.

"You're dead, fool," Zhen said. "I gave up my *entire* collection of
women's underwear just for the chance to watch you die. There is no
escape!"

"You traded your collection of undies? To her?" Happosai pointed at
Mara.

Zhen grunted.

"That's right," Mara said.

Happosai smiled. "My collection's bound to be at least *twice* as big as
his."

"What do you mean..." Zhen shook a fist angrily. "NO! You can't! I had a
deal!"

The poodle turned. It and Happosai stared each other down like
gunslingers waiting for each other to draw.

"Actually," Mara said, holding up a typed sheet of paper, "he can. Your
deal was for one of the special doggy treats. There's nothing that says
I can't sell him the other one."

The Fenris Poodle sprang into the air. Happosai screamed. No one could
bring himself to look as fangs gnashed and bits of black gi flew across
the room.

"Of course, he has to be able to sign the contract...."

Soun Tendo shook his head. "What a terrible way for the master to meet
his end."

"Indeed, Tendo," Genma said. "This is a dark day for our martial arts
school."

Soun nodded.

"So... go for a midnight snack?"

"Good idea. I know this great little cafe that's open twenty-four
hours."

"HA HA! I win!" Zhen Guairen shouted, slamming his fist triumphantly
against a wall, then wincing in pain as he nursed the resulting bruise.

Mara shook her head slowly. Who would've believed that it could end this
way? Japan's greatest pervert, ground into dog meat. She'd surely
expected him to escape somehow. After nearly a hundred years of infamy,
for it to just be *over* so abruptly just seemed--

A sharp, muted hiss sounded from behind. "The contract," a voice
whispered.

Mara turned.

Happosai stood perched on a shelf.

Happosai, alive and well.

Happosai, in his full withered and wrinkled glory, without a stitch of
clothing.

Mara clutched her stomach as it threatened to disgorge its contents.

"Quick! Give me the contract!" Happosai whispered.

Controlling her gag reflex, Mara teleported, and instantly returned with
another copy of the contract. Whipping out a pen, she altered the name
on the document to Happosai's, and handed it over, trying her best not
to look.

Happosai scrawled an illegible mark, and returned the contract to Mara.

"All right, then. One special dog biscuit, as promised," she said,
handing the item over, and then wondered whether speaking aloud was
really a good idea.

Zhen whirled around. "YOU!"

"That's right!" Happosai grinned as he reared his arm back. The dog
looked up, snarled, then heeled, eyeing the treat.

Abruptly, Zhen launched himself at Happosai in a flying tackle. The two
martial artists collided on the ground, rolling back and forth on the
ground faster than Mara's eyes could follow.

"Give me that!"

"Not a chance!"

Zhen's finger dug into Happosai's eye. Happosai's teeth sank into Zhen's
wrist. Zhen's other hand pried at Happosai's fingers to dig the dog
treat loose. And suddenly the treat flew into the air, and the dog
sailed over to catch it in its mouth, swallowing it with a protracted
gulp. But which one of them had thrown it? Which of them had control
over the Fenris Poodle now?

The dog sat up on its hind legs, head bobbing slightly. Mara followed
its gaze, which led to one very self-satisfied martial artist, one very
happy Happy.

"Eeep," said Zhen Guairen, and within seconds he had sprinted out of the
room, and out of the house.

Mara smiled as she disappeared from the room, contract in hand.

***

Soun Tendo peered cautiously into the room. "Master! You're alive!"

"I knew it," Genma said. "Did you see the way his opponent ran, Tendo?
As if in fear for his very life. I just knew that it meant that the
Master had survived, and indeed had triumphed."

"I don't suppose you bothered to chase that ingrate down and *catch*
him, did you?" Happosai snapped.

"Um, nope." The two men shook their heads. "Sorry about that."

"Well, it doesn't matter! Because I've got something much better than
you two to send after him!" Happosai turned to face the poodle. "Dog,
I'm going to give you your command now."

The dog started nodding repeatedly.

"Dog," Happosai proclaimed, "I command you to hunt down and attack the
underwear thief!"

Soun and Genma took a step away from their master.

The dog began to snarl.

***

Much later, the Tendos and Saotomes sat in their living room, listening
to Kinnosuke's voice over the radio.

"...allegations of underwear theft against the owner of the Cat Cafe
restaurant now appear to be unfounded. Probably."

"Think he's going to apologize for those allegations?" Akane asked.

"Fat chance," Nabiki said.

"Master Happosai of the Anything Goes School could not be reached for
comment," Kinnosuke continued. "But according to information previously
supplied, the responsibility for this inaccurate information lies with
two members of the school who had been assigned to investigate the
underwear theft: Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo."

Soun harumphed. Genma noisily munched on potato chips.

"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said. "Hey, what happened to that old freak,
anyway?"

As if on cue, the wall of the Tendo living room crashed inwards.

"Hey!" Ranma protested. "I just finished nailing boards over that hole!"

"Sorry, can't talk now!" Happosai zipped through the entrance he had
just created and across the room, making an equally big hole in the
front door. A moment later, the Fenris Poodle followed along the same
path, shedding small bits of white fur in its wake.

"Master Happosai?" Kasumi called after him. "I've washed your briefs.
Don't you want them?"


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