On Fri, 17 Sep 2004 04:53:58 +0100 (BST)
Q Dorm <quedorm@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:

Inside of a hover-car that floated in the distance, a
lavender-haired
teenage boy lowered his Custom HK-PSG1 Sniper Rifle
(7.62mm by the way... :P)
with a sigh...

"Bloody Mary-Sues", Trunks muttered irritably, [...]

In my personal opinion, this paragraph can be improved.

The most glaring problem is the insertion in parenthesises and its
emoticon. It might have had a place if you mocked online speech,
but you weren't. And it has no place in literature, at least in
the present form. Probably the best you can do is to refer the
weapon as "[] his Custom HK-PSG1 Sniper Rifle, 7.62mm NATO,
with a sigh". The tripple-dotting is superfluous as well.

By the way (and IMHO, it is appropriate to use this expression
in this e-mail), I understand that G3 pattern weapons were not
manufactured in 30-06 or 7.62x54R chamberings, so the "NATO" suffix
seems redundant. It is, however, customary.

The adherence to the "ZZZ-haired teenage boy" formula is a little
bit too patternalized. I do realize that you are mocking fics, but
I think it would work more effectively if you made a well-written
Trunks to oppose evil Mary Sues. Such Trunks would be introduced
without the cliche.

I am not a native speaker, but it appears to me that "inside of"
was misplaced somewhat. "In a hover-car ..." would be more direct,
considering the brain splashing pace of the piece. Also, "inside"
is normally used if a possibility exists for a contrast with
something happening outside of the hover-car. For example, if you
mentioned that Goku was stationed outside, then in the next
sentence Trunks would be inside. Otherwise, he was just in.
But I am open to other interpretations.

I am not a big fan of G3 derivatives, but in this context it
is appropriate, primarily because it is an autoloader. I can come
up with a long discussion on compatibility between Sayans and
firearms, but intuitively, this works. Nonetheless, you might want
to up the ante a little bit by providing your Trunks with a .50
caliber sniping rifle.

Formatting and wrapping is also something to which you might want
to give a thought.

Best wishes,
-- Pete

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