I think I know the answer to some of these, in some cases because I think I
picked up on some of the same things you did.

"Oh, no!"Son of Satan shouted in mock horror. "Now he
knows yer one of the million or so girls in Japan
called Kagome! Whatever shall we do?"

Actually, I could be wrong but I don't think it's a common name at all.
(Besides, he's from the past. How does he know which names are common in
the present?)

I think they have been. I expect David to elaborate on this later, but the
impression I got was something happened in the past that stranded Kagome and
company in the present for good, and IY was been living here for a while.

Minor point, but I find it a bit unlikely that Kag would've just come up
with the name "Son of Satan" for her partner. Why not "Hellhound" or
"Demon Dog" or something like that? I'd suggest establishing that the
news media came up with this name for him, or Kagome came up with it for
some believable reason (e.g. another hero used to use the same name).

SOS was a Defender in a previous, err, alternate, universe thing which was
why David used it. And honestly, I can't think of a way for her to come up
with it without it being lame since the name was, well, lame to begin with.

Matsumoto smiled and waved goodbye.
"Have a nice day, then."Yes, Matsumoto
Hiroya was a pleasant, kindly man. But a
bit on the na�ve side.

naive

(Do you really need to state something so bloody obvious? You just did a
fine job of *showing* this guy's character. There's no need to
explicitly state it.)

Yeah, definitely agree here.

"I'm getting closure, Nabiki Tendou,"
Hikaru stated in a tone that was surprisingly
authoritarian. "I'm seeing now you aren't
a god, or a monster, but a scared, angry
little girl who's trying to bluff through life
by getting money and power."He leaned
forward. "They don't work, Nabiki. All
they do is make you lonelier, and lonelier."
Hikaru turned around. "Not that I expect
you to listen. You're one of those people
who already know everything, so nobody
can tell you anything. Rather enviable state
of existence, really. The rest of us mortals
wish we had that sort of assurance."

Yeah, but look who's talking.

I really didn't care for this bit here. Developing Gos' character and
giving him more confidence is fine, but slow down; make him work for it,
instead of being handed enlightenment by author fiat. Not only does Gos'
personal critique of Nabby come across rather ANC-ish,

Actually he's off about her being afraid and she's not bluffing much about
things. The angry part is dead on, but she makes not qualms about not liking
the role she's been thrust into.

Hikaru took both of his makeshift disguises off.
It appeared that this was his-best option. He
sighed. Well, if any of his classmates saw him,
he'd just pretend not to know them. After all,
what chance was there of them automatically
recognizing a ghastly pale young man wearing
a distinctive outfit?

Can't he cast a spell to make people not recognize him, or something
like that? Given that about half the superheroes in the country seem to
be Furinkanites, there's no way he'll be able to interact with them and
still go unrecognized.

I think david said Gos hadn't learned that one yet (like the original Dr.
Strange did) I was personally rooting for Gos to use the mask Dr. I used at
the end of his first series. :)

planning. IT would be wild and heedless
and slay until IT was stopped. But things
were different this time. IT felt-calmer.
More in control. This time, the conditions
were just right. And not just for IT.

No, for all ITs old friends as well.

IT: Like HE. And SHE. And even THEY.

Hmm. There was a They Who Wield Power, but they were two putzes and an aged
Tyrannus, who promptly killed the other two twits once he made himself young
again. THEM was a branch of Hydra that I think either was disbanded or later
became The Secret Empire. Can't think of any HE's or SHE's off the top of my
head.

GOSUNKUGI: Oh no! It's the pronoun gang!

Could be worse. He could be dealing with psychotic jugglers (yes, the Death
Throws were just that. Someday a version of Scourge will kill them, like he
did so many other lame ass villains)

"It was a politically explosive time. Plus, he'd
once made the mistake of comparing the Crown
Prince's wife to a bratwurst."Henry coughed at

RANDOLPH: I merely meant that her arrival brings us pleasure, and her
departure makes us hungry for more.

Ha! Good one.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. "You must pay a
small fortune for monograms."

ENTITY: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WITTY REPARTEE?

HIKARU: Well, I *am* playing a Stan Lee character, and almost everyone
he writes is a smartass. Besides, I'm Spider-man in another fic.

Nah, they aren't as bitter and as sarcastic as Gos is in this. They do tend
to use snappy patter, though.

Maybe it was because the average demon was
a grotesque mockery of all life. With absolutely
no taste, and even less of a sense of humor.
He'd had to raid several demonic dimensions,
all of which featured flowing rivers of blood,
strobe lighting, and "You Don't Have to Be
Damned to Work Here-But It Helps!"signs
on the walls.

And that isn't humor?

Heh. Good point.

Paste-pot Pete (who was known to family and-
well, acquaintances, as Katsuhiku Jinnai) smiled
to himself. His first act of supervillainy was
already a roaring success. His superhero
opponent had been reduced to quivering
terror at the very mention of his name!
Soon, very soon, Makoto Mizuhara
would be defeated!

Who? This is an awfully long digression. Are we supposed to know or care
who he's talking about?

In this case (unlike the forgetable thief at the start) PPP is going to be a
recurring incompetent villain, so the long digression is needed here.

The cause of peace had in fact demanded
that SHIELD build some of the most
terrifyingly deadly and destructive weapons
in the world

I still would point out they have never really made that many weapons. The
bad guys made them, and SHIELD would capture them and store them with
useless thing, like the ark of the convenent and stuff. :)

Overall impressions: Still a good, engaging storyline, though I'm
finding that the silliness of the humorous bits detracts somewhat from
the drama of the serious ones. It's hard to worry too much about your
villains willing, for example, when they're as comically inept as you're
making them out to be.

While from what David has said, this is going to be more humorous than the
Avenging storyline, the villains do get a bit more serious. Right now the
heroes are still learning their thing, so incompetent villains to cut their
teeth on is probably for the best, for the moment.

Kaggy and Shaggy are good additions to the team, providing a mix of
different attitudes and motivations.

Definitely. They provide a nice contrast to Gos, who I think would have
difficutly carrying things if he was the only character in it.

This reminds me, I ought to be looking over some of the chapters myself.
Hope to have some time before too long.

DB Sommer

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