Catching up on some comments.... This was posted quite a while ago, but
I've been busy enough (and the chapter was so huge) that I couldn't get
to it until now.

David Dee <sargonthesorceror@yahoo.com> wrote:

Ishi Takashi, when introduced to attractive women at 
parties, usually gave his profession as "monetary 
distribution agent".

This was a fancy way of saying "thief", which is 
precisely what he was. However, one generally doesn�t 

You've got non-standard apostrophes throughout the fic. These might show
up as blobs, or completely different characters, on someone else's
system. Replace them with standard ASCII characters.

say that to people at parties, especially when one is 
trying to get into their pants.

And my reaction to this is "who cares?" Without something happening to
this guy at the moment, I have no reason to be interested in his life's
story.

Of course, Ishi had other reasons not to state his 
real profession�he wasn�t very good at it, for one. 
For example, just last week, while robbing a bank in 
Kyoto, he�d miscalculated the night watchman�s 
schedule, and had been spotted at the very beginning 
of the job. He�d been forced to run with what little 
money he had already gotten, which turned out to be 
only 5000 yen. Even worse, the bank had turned out to 
be yakuza owned, and so soon he was on the run not 

Yakuza-owned,

(hyphenate compound adjectives, and capitalize the name of a specific
group)

Ishi had made the very sane decision to leave Kyoto 
for Tokyo, but had blown most of his haul doing this, 
and so now was in dire straits. Lacking the resources 
for a big job, and not wanting to draw to much 

draw too much

Such as the young couple he was presently holding at 
gunpoint. The pair stared at Ishi in shock, since 
they, like many young people, thought of crime as 
something that happened to other people, usually in 
other cities, or even landmasses.

Suggest: or even on other land masses.
(As is, it parses as "even in other land masses." Not a lot of crime
happens to people who are already buried six feet under.)

GEORGE CARLIN: Let the daredevils get on the plane. I'm getting *in* the
plane!

"Just hand me the money,"Ishi explained, in a slow, 

                         ^^
Put a space after the quote. Look for this sort of thing throughout the
chapter.

Son of Satan rolled his eyes, and crossed his 
arms. "Look, Kagome, I just think this really stupid, 

this is really

"Oh, no!"Son of Satan shouted in mock horror. "Now he 
knows yer one of the million or so girls in Japan 
called Kagome! Whatever shall we do?"

Actually, I could be wrong but I don't think it's a common name at all.
(Besides, he's from the past. How does he know which names are common in
the present?)

Minor point, but I find it a bit unlikely that Kag would've just come up
with the name "Son of Satan" for her partner. Why not "Hellhound" or
"Demon Dog" or something like that? I'd suggest establishing that the
news media came up with this name for him, or Kagome came up with it for
some believable reason (e.g. another hero used to use the same name).

lightning"then blinked confused. "Where the hell am 

lightning," then blinked, confused.

"My throne room."replied the Ancient One calmly.

room," replied

The Ancient One gave a troubled sigh, that naturally 
managed to embody mystic wisdom. "Honestly, 
Gosunkugi, there are none so blind as those who will 
not see..."

Hikaru coughed. "Except of course, the�
you know�actually blind..."

The Ancient One blinked. "Well, I suppose in a 
way, but�"

Hikaru shrugged. "I mean, I don�t think you can 
get more blind than having the actual disability..."

Heh.

Hikaru glanced at him, worried. "I thought that, 
at first, but then I figured the Ancient One would 
be much too wise, and sensitive to make comments a
bout a genuine handicap, for the purposes of saying 

about

"Secondly,"chirped the Ancient One, "the Eye 
of Agomatto! A talisman that will allow you to see 
into the souls of men�and further!"He produced 
a large golden medallion that would have gone 
well with the outfit of any 70s� lounge lizard.

'70s
(or, preferably)
seventies

Still�he was starting an adventure. An 
insane, horrific adventure that probably 
prove fatal in very unpleasant ways�but 
still a long way from the state of utter 
despair he�d been in two months ago. 
Now he was going to amazing, 

to do amazing,
(I think you mean)

improbable things. 

Despite himself, a grin broke out on 
Hikaru�s face.

A few feet away, a child burst into 
tears. Her mother comforted her. 
"Don�t worry dear. The scary 

worry, dear.
(An identification of who is being spoken to must be set off by a comma;
otherwise you completely change the meaning of the sentence. As is,
she's telling him not to worry someone else who is referred to as
"dear".)

Matsumoto smiled and waved goodbye. 
"Have a nice day, then."Yes, Matsumoto 
Hiroya was a pleasant, kindly man. But a 
bit on the na�ve side.

naive

(Do you really need to state something so bloody obvious? You just did a
fine job of *showing* this guy's character. There's no need to
explicitly state it.)

The leader gulped and then forced on a 
show of bravado. "What�s a matter 
Tendou?

NABIKI: It's like an energy Tendou, but divided by the speed of light
squared.

(See how that missing comma completely goofs up your meaning?)

Nabiki laughed in a sepulchral manner. 
"Tell me Gosunkugi, why should I extend 

"Tell me, Gosunkugi,

"I�m getting closure, Nabiki Tendou,"
Hikaru stated in a tone that was surprisingly 
authoritarian. "I�m seeing now you aren�t 
a god, or a monster, but a scared, angry 
little girl who�s trying to bluff through life 
by getting money and power."He leaned 
forward. "They don�t work, Nabiki. All 
they do is make you lonelier, and lonelier."
Hikaru turned around. "Not that I expect 
you to listen. You�re one of those people 
who already know everything, so nobody 
can tell you anything. Rather enviable state 
of existence, really. The rest of us mortals 
wish we had that sort of assurance."

Yeah, but look who's talking.

I really didn't care for this bit here. Developing Gos' character and
giving him more confidence is fine, but slow down; make him work for it,
instead of being handed enlightenment by author fiat. Not only does Gos'
personal critique of Nabby come across rather ANC-ish, but it doesn't
fit in with the good character development you've been taking him
through in the rest of the fic.

(ANC = Annoying New Character, the kind who is always right and goes
around telling the regulars how to solve their problems, just because he
can. Gos isn't new, but it really doesn't matter.)

Akane smiled and nodded back at him. *Poor 
Hikaru,* she thought. *He finally snapped. I really 
shouldn�t make fun of him though�after all nobody 
can suspect the truth.*

This part, on the other hand, I really liked. It's not only funny but
believable and it really makes me feel for the characters.

Kagome sighed, as she took out a pair of scissors. 
"Inu-Yasha we are a major section of that article."

"Inu-Yasha, we

Kagome placed her hands on her hips, just 
narrowly avoiding stabbing herself in the thigh. 
"I DO NOT MAKE SPEECHES!"She glanced 
away. "I say enheartening words in the fight against 

I don't think there's any such word as "enheartening".

Hikaru took both of his makeshift disguises off. 
It appeared that this was his�best option. He 
sighed. Well, if any of his classmates saw him, 
he�d just pretend not to know them. After all, 
what chance was there of them automatically 
recognizing a ghastly pale young man wearing 
a distinctive outfit?

Can't he cast a spell to make people not recognize him, or something
like that? Given that about half the superheroes in the country seem to
be Furinkanites, there's no way he'll be able to interact with them and
still go unrecognized.

IT felt pleasure at these thoughts. In the 
past, IT would not be capable of such 

IT would not have been capable
(or)
IT was not capable

planning. IT would be wild and heedless 
and slay until IT was stopped. But things 
were different this time. IT felt�calmer.
More in control. This time, the conditions 
were just right. And not just for IT.

No, for all ITs old friends as well.

IT: Like HE. And SHE. And even THEY.

GOSUNKUGI: Oh no! It's the pronoun gang!

Cross scowled. "Right."He hated Henry. The 
Expositions were a big family in SHIELD�one 
encountered them everywhere�and everywhere 
they were the same didactic, pontificating 
blabbermouths who were always willing to talk 
your ears off. Still, every now and then, there 
was a bit of vital information hid away among 

hidden away
(I think)

"Well, he was going to do further research, but 
he was struck by lightening. At least they think 

lightning
("lightening" is the process of becoming lighter)

"It was a politically explosive time. Plus, he'd 
once made the mistake of comparing the Crown 
Prince's wife to a bratwurst."Henry coughed at 

RANDOLPH: I merely meant that her arrival brings us pleasure, and her
departure makes us hungry for more.

"Blast of the Five Winds!"cried a voice. A 
furious blast of wind tore at the creature. It 
turned. A figure stood at the opposite end of 
the alley. Feeling angry at having its fun 
interrupted, the beast charged towards it. 
"Rain of Iron!"said the figure, a shower of 
iron nails tearing into the creature, pinning it 
to the opposite wall. It squealed horribly, then 
dissolved into a patch of nasty oilish smoke. 

I don't think there's any such word as "oilish". Try "oily" or at least
"oil-ish".

Hikaru looked at her in disbelief. Finally, 
he coughed. "I'm not... Dracula."

HIKARU: Boot I do play heem on the televeesion! BLAH!

Hikaru paused. Apparently she thought his 
confused strugglings for a name and his 

Again, I don't think there's any such word. Suggest the perfectly good
"struggles".

And along that note, he should remember to avoid 
Yuka like the plague. Not that that would prove 
especially difficult, as she existed in a completely 
different social circle then him. 

The little fetishistic weirdo...

YUKA: I don't mind hanging out with you even though you're a little,
fetishistic weirdo.

HIKARU: Shaddap!

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Sarcasm. That�s right. 
I forget you evil demonic overlords generally 
don�t have senses of humor."

OH, said the entity, a general feeling unease 
coming from its thoughts, before being masked 
once again by bravado and boasting. LISTEN 
WELL, MORTAL, FOR I AM HE-WHO-
DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. "You must pay a 
small fortune for monograms."

ENTITY: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WITTY REPARTEE?

HIKARU: Well, I *am* playing a Stan Lee character, and almost everyone
he writes is a smartass. Besides, I'm Spider-man in another fic.

While he didn�t hear an unintelligible grumble 
he felt it. LISTEN, SORCERER, I TOLD 
YOU TRUE�YOU DID WELL, FOR A 
MORTAL. BUT THE GREATEST MORTAL 
IS FOR ME NO MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN 
THE GREATEST GRAIN OF SAND.

"You know, people have been killed by grains 
of sand..."commented Hikaru.

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?, came back 

Don't use a comma if you're using the question mark.

NOO! YOU CAN�T! I�I�VE GOT A 
COLD! AND I�M NOT DRESSED! IT 
WOULD BE REALLY REALLY 
EMBARASSING.

EMBARRASSING.

About five minutes later, Hikaru exited
the anomaly, and completed the job 
of closing it. "That was underwhelming."
He rubbed his eyes. "Oh, great. I think 
the lighting in there gave me a headache..."
And so, Hikaru Gosunkugi strode out into 
the night, looking for a 24 hour drugstore 

Suggest: a twenty-four-hour

Inu-Yasha gave a frustrated sigh. "How are 
we solitary Kagome? There's two of us."Kagome 

solitary, Kagome?

KAGOME: I didn't say we were solitary Kagome. Only I am solitary Kagome.
You are solitary Inu-Yasha.

had been giving these �introductory monologues� 
for about a month now, and he was starting worry. 

starting to worry.

"Come on, Son of Satan! There�re deeds of 
daring-do to do!"

derring-do

Maybe it was because the only pay he received 
was a sense of satisfaction of job well done, 

of a job

or at least done. Well, that and his continued 
existence. Which might be a plus, he admitted.

Maybe it was because the average demon was 
a grotesque mockery of all life. With absolutely 
no taste, and even less of a sense of humor. 
He�d had to raid several demonic dimensions, 
all of which featured flowing rivers of blood, 
strobe lighting, and "You Don�t Have to Be 
Damned to Work Here�But It Helps!"signs 
on the walls.

And that isn't humor?

Or perhaps, he appended, it was all 
the mockery his outfit was attracting 
as he paused to get refreshed at an 
all-night caf�.

cafe.
(Don't use platform-specific accented characters.)

"Attention, supervillain!"he stated in 
his best attempt at a loud commanding 
voice. "Before you stands Dr. Strange, 
self appointed nemesis to unpleasantness. 

self-appointed

Paste-pot Pete (who was known to family and�
well, acquaintances, as Katsuhiku Jinnai) smiled 
to himself. His first act of supervillainy was 
already a roaring success. His superhero 
opponent had been reduced to quivering 
terror at the very mention of his name! 
Soon, very soon, Makoto Mizuhara 
would be defeated! 

Who? This is an awfully long digression. Are we supposed to know or care
who he's talking about?

"Ummmm... I think it was "Professor 

'Professor
(Use single quotes for quotations inside quotations)

"No, daddy, I�m a good boy..."whimpered 

Daddy,
(Capitalize when used as a name, and not as e.g. "my daddy")

Kagome shrugged. "We�re just varying 
our patrol. After all, there�s probably evil 
for us to deal with here too. Come on, 
Son of Satan! Our epic battle against the f
orces of nastiness continues!"

forces

The cause of peace had in fact demanded 
that SHIELD build some of the most 
terrifyingly deadly and destructive weapons 
in the world, thus serving it by reducing the 
number of pesky living people who could be 
at times less than peaceable.

CROSS: Like, for example, us.

HENRY: Good example.

"Oh, screw you ninja boy,"muttered 

you, ninja

"Halt evildoer!"came a high voice.

"Halt, evildoer!"

HIKARU: Halt evildoer? I just did! I just halted *all* of the evildoers!

Hikaru began to massage his forehead. 
He was really starting to wonder what
this job was going to do to his health 
even if he did manage to avoid being 
eaten by something out of an H.R. Giger 
picture. "Look, you strange Halloween 
costume wearing girl, I really don�t care 

costume-wearing

"HA!"said Kagome triumphantly. "Nice try villain!

try, villain!

But unfortunately for you, that Shinken shard in 

Shikon
(correct this throughout)

Inu-Yasha was about to try for another s
wing, when the answer came to him. *Don�t 

swing,

Hikaru just barely managed to grab the 
sword as it plunged towards his skull. 
"Look..."he muttered, as Inu-Yasha 
pressed Tetsaiga towards his head, 

Tetsusaiga (I believe; correct this throughout)

"I thought I made myself clear�NOT 
getting skewered by the sword..."Slowly 
a reddish glow spread over the blade as 
Hikaru tried to push it back through an 
act of Will.

will.
(no caps, unless it's someone's name)

Inu-Yasha fell forwards with enough 
force to unbalance Hikaru, who fell 
backwards with a few feet away from 
the half demon. His falling also tore 
loose Tetsaiga. The blade soared briefly 
in the air, then fell to the ground, where, 
Hikaru could not help but note, it landed 
only inches away from wiping out the 
existence of the Gosunkugi family name 
in all future generations.

MRS. GOSUNKUGI: Which is still only hypothetical anyway...

HIKARU: Mom, you're not helping....

MRS. GOSUNKUGI: ...and in fact seems pretty unlikely at this point....

Hikaru sighed. "So you can remember s
omeone you saw a few minutes ago. I'm 

someone

Hikaru winced. "God that's a painfully bad 

"God, that's
(or)
"Gods, that's
(I doubt if Hik is a Christian)

"But now we look ridiculous!"shouted 
the first mouth. "Back me up on this Number 

this, Number

"How...?"asked Inu-Yahsa.

Inu-Yasha.

*Is it obvious? Yes. Ludicrious? Absolutely. 

Ludicrous?
(spelling)

Hikaru threw up on her shoes.

About a minute later, Hikaru was cleaning 
off her shoes with a hasty magick, and 

Suggest: cleaning them off with
(already talking about her shoes)

Hikaru began to chant. "Hoggith�I 
invoke thee! By thy powers, let the 
way be blocked!"

*BOOMKRAKKABOOM*

HOGGOTH: That's "Hoggoth," idiot!

HIKARU: Right. Sorry.

"I�m being sarcastic. I think the only people 
who find it hilarious are the Elder Gods, and 
those morons who like shows where they get 
people to eat live cockroaches, and set their 
pants on fire."

KAGOME: Ah, you mean FOX viewers.

HIKARU: Natch.

SHIPPO: Hey!

Hikaru shrugged. "I have been 
instructed by my slightly daffy 
teacher, the Ancient One to 

teacher, the Ancient One, to

"As I recall, you skin is like adamant�

like adamantium--
(I think you mean)

*Out of mess you pretty much got me 

*Out of a mess

"Well, we have synchronize our 

have to synchronize

Overall impressions: Still a good, engaging storyline, though I'm
finding that the silliness of the humorous bits detracts somewhat from
the drama of the serious ones. It's hard to worry too much about your
villains willing, for example, when they're as comically inept as you're
making them out to be.

Kaggy and Shaggy are good additions to the team, providing a mix of
different attitudes and motivations. IY, though, seems maybe a bit off
in terms of his reactions to the whole thing. Sitting back and issuing
complaints doesn't seem like his style. If he doesn't believe in the
whole superhero thing, why is he doing it at all? Perhaps this is well
after the IY manga and he's gotten more whipped^H^H^H^H^H^H^H mellow
over the years. (I also wonder why there are Shikon shards in the
present day, but I expect an explanation for that will be forthcoming.)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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