Subject: [FFML] Re: [shortfic][ROD] Literary Hell
From: Pete Zaitcev
Date: 9/2/2004, 1:23 AM
To: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


On Wed, 1 Sep 2004 11:58:24 -0400
"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
ever present dolly and suitcase nearly fell over

I thought it was a typical airline traveller's suitcase with integral
wheels rather than a separate dolly.

[...] A skip entered her step, despite the fact she was lugging a small
suitcase full of various papers and reading material around.

Two suitcases now?

As Yomiko and Wendy stopped to assess the situation, a man that had been
waiting nearby approached. At a glance, it was easy to tell  he was very
different from the others. He was tall, well over six feet in height, but
very slender, though not to the point of gauntness. He appeared to be in his
early to mid-thirties, with a narrow face and pointy nose that was
reminiscent of a hunting bird. His gray trenchcoat and matching wide-brimmed
hat complimented the mood he was projecting: that of dourness.

Man. I got to learn doing those descriptions. This one looked like
something from Conan Doyle.

[...] though she was pleased to see her
friend was so delighted.

I am not a native speaker and I would drop the second "was".

 The unusual
set to Yomiko's features was unsettling in a way that Wendy had never felt
before, at least in connection with her friend.

Are they friends? I'm dubious.

[...]

The key exposition was edible despite the hefty size.

The ink part was workable. I remember that I discarded a book I bought
once (just once), because I did not want anyone else to read it.
A price provides a miniscule barrier to the entry.

It's a pity they didn't find the dot. The story felt like an expression
with an open brace.

-- Pete

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