Jourdan M. Bickham wrote:

Jiraiya produced a pipe and began to stuff the bowl, raising his eyebrows at
her in a questioning glance. “You don’t mind, do you?” As she shook her
head, he continued speaking. “We’re here because this fool.” He indicated
Naruto, who was busily eating a bowl of ramen he’d requested. “Is in dire
need of a proper education.”

This doesn't read well, and I'm not a great grammar C&C'er. Particular the
line about Naruto eating the bowl of Ramen.  Just making a note to check the
flow of speech into your descriptions...

  

I haven't actually read the fic, but the grammar is off.  How about
something like this?  You don't want to mix tense...or is that case?
Don't use "indicated," "eating" and "requested." in the same
sentence.  Also, that IS one sentence...  Don't chop it up like that.

“We’re here because this fool,” indicating Naruto, who was busily eating a bowl
of ramen. “is in dire need of proper 'education'.”

Of course, if they're not actually visiting a whorehouse that might need a little
work




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