Pulled this from the backlog that came in while I was on vacation. I
can't remember whether I commented on the first two parts when they
originally came out, but I did go back and read them before doing this
one.

Elin B <elbju@yahoo.se> wrote:

Someday, Maybe
by Elin B


(Akari)

Since you're not narrating in first-person, there's probably no need for
this sort of explicit label. We can tell whose POV it is from the
context.

"Maybe it's ridiculous to you," said Akari shyly. "But I hardly know
anything about it, about Ryoga's challenge to you and your fight...He
didn't write me much at all." She had heard a little more from Akane
recently, but something told her not to mention this. "And I'm worried
about him right now," she continued, "and since you and Mousse are
those who have seen him most recently..."
Shampoo tsked.
"All right, then," she said with a loud sigh. "This what happened. We
fight, he win. I make new challenge, he win again. He ask to teach me.
I no want stupid boy my own age teach me. I only ask Ranma do that as
favour... and to be with man I love." She sighed, a dreamy look coming
into her eyes fleetingly, then disappearing very quickly again. "But I
say yes anyway," she finished. She took a kitchen knife and started to
hack up some vegetables that lay there.

You've got skipped lines between some paragraphs but not others, making
it a bit hard to follow the structure. I don't know if this is
intentional or not. If so, I'd suggest at least indenting any paragraph
that doesn't follow a skipped line. Remember that no more than one
character should have dialog in any one paragraph.

So, she thought. If I were in Shampoo's place, would I cling even
harder to my goal as it seemed less within in reach? Would I work hard
to make my love see that I am the best one for him, the one he should
choose, or would I just give up and...resign?
And if she were in Ryoga's shoes...But of course, it wasn't the same
thing. Ryoga had her. He had someone else he liked.
Of course.


(Two days earlier)

Again, explicit labels tend to interrupt the flow of the narrative,
jolting the reader out of the story's virtual reality. Work this
information into context, or at least put it into the text of the
narrative:

Ryoga had her. He had someone else he liked. Of course.

Two days earlier, Akari had talked with that person on the phone.

(You can probably come up with something better than this if you think
about it for a while.)

Meanwhile, Akari was having tea with Mrs Saotome, Ranma's mother.

Mrs.
(period after an abbreviation; look for this throughout)

"I see," said Akari. She nibbled at a cookie. It tasted good, but she'd
had a hard time eating anything lately. "How did Ryoga seem to be?"
"Well, he seemed a little surprised to see me, so I suppose he hadn't
planned to come here," said Ranma's mother. "And perhaps he did look a
little tired. But, you know, I've only met your young man once before,
so I don't really know what he's normally like. That was back in
October, when he gave me my little Chumaru, here." She smiled and cooed
at the white-and-brown dog sitting beside her. 

AKARI: Sheesh. I mean, I knew there were some strange things in Ryoga's
genetic code, but....

NODOKA: This is a dog, dear.

AKARI: I know. That's why I'm so shocked. Though it does finally explain
the teeth.

DOG: Woof!

NODOKA: You are being manly, aren't you, Chumaru? Because if not....

The shorter figure seemed to notice her, tugged the taller one's
sleeve, pointed. Then a big truck came by, obscuring the view.

One day, I want us to go to China together, she thought. 

She hurried towards the crossing.

I like the idea behind the series; Ryoga having to explain himself to
Akane creates a lot of good dramatic tension, and you managed to bring
out a lot of feeling while throwing in some nice humorous touches.

That said, I'm not sure this is as satisfying a resolution as you could
have had. Akane pretty much hands Ryoga his forgiveness without him
developing as a character to earn it. It'd be more satisfying, IMO, if
Ryoga had to fight his way past some of his personal limitations in
order to achieve success.

As always, just one reader's opinions, and the best of luck with this
and any other fanfiction.



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