"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

Chapter 7 of A Kiss to the Victor follows.

In which the new character Victor finally shows up, and receives Akane's
payment of one Hershey's chocolate drop. Or not.

The both of them got everything done quickly.  Once
Ranma finished, he sat down on the floor by the dojo
doors and watched his fiancee sweep.  She was rather
disheveled after her practice, and seemed to be
totally focused on what she was doing, almost as if
she was trying to ignore Ranma.

"as if she were trying" would be strictly correct. Not sure if the loose
usage is intentional or not.

More description of Ranma's reaction might be interesting here. If he
feels slighted by Akane, it might make interesting character drama to
show, even if it doesn't amount to anything later.

 The scene was
shattered by a scream from the house.

Suggest putting the scream into a new paragraph, since it radically
changes the action.

The Tendo family was still in shock at the scene
they had just witnessed.  They looked at the door
Kodachi had just exited through and then at Genma,
who had wrapped a towel around himself in an effort
to preserve what little dignity he had left.
"Ummmm," he said.  "This isn't my fault."

RANMA: Stop stepping on my lines, Pop.

Not sure if this reaction is right coming from Genma. Ranma gets
understandably defensive in these sorts of situation because Akane is
generally ready to assume the worst and blame him for it. In Nodoka's
absense, the same isn't true of Genma.

After she used up the third bottle of her homemade
rose-scented bath gel, she rinsed off, placed her
towel on the edge of the furo, and sank into the
steaming water.  "I must think logically," she said
aloud.  "I am a Kuno, and we are intelligent and
logical.  There has to be an explanation for this."

TATEWAKI: Of course there is. The intelligence and logic of we Kunos is
explained by the superiority of our genetic code, which...

KODACHI: Out! [throws bucket]

She thought for a moment, and then began counting on
her fingers, speaking aloud as she listed each
instance.

"One.  Akane Tendo hit me when I confronted her in
the home economics room.  She should not have been
able to lay a finger on me."

"Two.  I was hit with that ball while I was waiting
for the girl to come out of that pathetic little
dojo of hers."

"Three.  I was hit with a broom and pushed out of
Akane's classroom window."

When the same speaker continues talking through two or more successive
paragraphs, don't use a closing quote until she stops. Do continue to
use an opening quote on each paragraph:

"One.  Akane Tendo hit me when I confronted her in
the home economics room.  She should not have been
able to lay a finger on me.

"Two.  I was hit with that ball while I was waiting
for the girl to come out of that pathetic little
dojo of hers.

"Three.  I was hit with a broom and pushed out of
Akane's classroom window."

She shuddered.  "Then," she shuddered, "tonight."

KODACHI: I've got a pair of shudders.

RANMA: I got Ace high. You win the pot.

Try not to repeat descriptions, or give more detail so that they're not
the same.

"Oh brother," she whispered.  "You are so wrong.  I
fear that you have fallen under her influence as
well.  Slowly, Kodachi sank back into the tub, her

KODACHI: Then again, maybe you were just a dimwit to begin with.

(Missing a closing quote after "well".)

As night fell in Nerima, Soun and Genma began
another game of go.  The only manmade sound was the

man-made

"So what do you think she was here for?"

Genma puffed out his chest.  "To see my son!  He is
irresistible to most women!"

RANMA: Whaddaya mean "most"?

COLOGNE: Hello there, groom.

RANMA: On second thought, "most" is a perfectly good qualifier.

As Genma climbed the stairs, he congratulated
himself on the brilliance of his plan.  *The more
time the boy spends with his fiancee, the closer the
two will become.  After the match, they should be so
close that the two of them will practically BEG us
to let them get married.*

IMO, this would go smoother if you just integrated Genma's thoughts into
the narrative rather than having him talk to himself.

As Genma climbed the stairs, he congratulated
himself on the brilliance of his plan.  The more
time the boy spent with his fiancee, the closer the
two would become.  After the match, they should be so
close that the two of them would practically BEG him and Tendo
to let them get married.

 "Boy," he said, as he
opened the door to their room, "you need to get.up?"

Misplaced period there between "get" and "up".

Soun straightened up and looked Genma right in the
eye.  "Go on without me, Saotome.  I must remain
here to protect my little girl!"  As if to reinforce
his words, Soun tightened the belt on his gi, and
began to roll up his sleeves.

What, no samurai armor?

The next few days seemed to fly by for Akane.  She
went running early, attended school, practiced with
the girls, did her homework, and collapsed.
Literally.  Kodachi seemed to be laying low.  No one
had even seen her.  The only things that disturbed
her were the irritability and tiredness of Ranma,

Suggest: were Ranma's irratibility and tiredness
(more direct phrasing)

As Akane left the classroom, she was confronted by
Ms. Kitami, who was carrying a glass containing an
evil-looking green liquid.  "I made this nutritional
drink for you.  It contains all of your daily
vitamin requirements, plus antioxidents, protein,

antioxidants,

The full effect of the drink hit Akane just as her
teacher vanished.  "HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted.

How about an actual description of what the drink feels like and/or of
Akane's reaction, rather than relying on a zillion exclamation points?

*It's not going to be enough*, he said to himself.
*It would take her at least another month before she
could match Kodachi in skill, and that doesn't
include dealing with Kodachi's view of "fair play".*

Again, why is Ranma talking to himself like this? IMO, integrate these
thoughts directly into the narrative, except when he actually has some
particular phrasing in mind for his thoughts or when absolutely
necessary for clarity.

He watched her do a flip, then lash out with her
ribbon.  *Unless Kodachi underestimates her or she
gets real lucky, she's gonna lose. 

It's hard to agree with this judgement. This version of Kodachi spent
the last chapter essentially beating herself up out of sheer ineptness.
Why should we take her seriously as an opponent now?

She's gonna
lose, and then I'm gonna have to kiss...ugh...Kodachi.*
The thought of having to fulfill the wager made him
sick.  *There has to be a way to give her an edge*,
the thought.  Ranma scratched his head, then

Looks like "the" should be "he".

It was at those times that Akane reminded him of her
mother before they married.  Akane's mother was
always quick to anger, especially when it came to
him, but she was also the first to help out if
things got bad.  They couldn't even admit to
themselves that they cared for each other.  It took
a major earthquake to make them realize it.  Soun
bit back a sob as he remembered holding her lifeless
body in his arms.  Telling her that he loved her,
and to his surprise, her telling him the same thing.

SOUN: That *was* a surprise, since dead wives are usually quiet.

SOUN'S WIFE: I wasn't *quite* dead yet....

Good that you're taking the time out to show us Soun's perspective on
things. I wouldn't say that there are any Earth-shattering revalations
here, but it's nice to know how one of the characters views the
situation.

He sighed slightly, then turned to the dojo.
Despite the "difficulties" between then, Ranma and

between them,

Some time in the middle of the night, Ranma tried to
find another position in the tree for his tired
body.  He couldn't understand it.  No one had seen
Kodachi since she ran out of the Tendo bathroom.
Ranma hoped that she was okay.

This rings very true for Ranma; even for someone who's been causing him
trouble, he doesn't want to see her hurt.

For the next five minutes, the only sound in the
room ws the scratching of Kodachi's pen as she

was

The librarian glanced at the titles of the books as
she returned them to their places.  '20th Century
Witchcraft:  Threat or Menace?',

KODACHI: Hmm, I don't know... *both* alternatives sound plausible.

"Witch Hunting:
The Sport of Champions', and 'Witch Hunting For
Dummies: 1999 Edition.'

You're inconsistently mixing double and single quotes here. Actually,
for titles you properly shouldn't use quotes at all, but rather
underlines or italics. _20th Century Witchcraft:  Threat or Menace?_
Being a librarian, this character would know this. :)

 "What on earth is that girl
up to?" she wondered aloud.

KODACHI: Page forty-seven!

LIBRARIAN: I was asking rhetorically.

Kodachi ran as fast as she could.  The market she
needed would be closing soon, and it was imperative
that she pick up the items she needed before it did.
"With these in my arsenal, nothing Akane Tendo can
do will affect me!  I will be invincible!"  Her
laughter scared the few shoppers in the store onto
the street.

Anti-witch paraphenalia, of course, won't do her any good against Akane.
Yet another nail into the coffin of my being able to take this version
of Kodachi seriously as an opponent. Though one thing she could do that
almost surely *would* work would be to convince other people of her
theory. It's never hard to get people to belive the worst about Ranma,
after all, and the same could apply to Akane by extention. Several dozen
witch hunters could cause quite a bit of trouble for our heroes.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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