I finally have something to publish, and an entry to the Azumanga Daioh
fanfic scene... and it's pretty much a shameless ripoff of D.B. Sommer's
"The Replacement Excels". I'm surprised he hasn't beaten me to it.



Great King Excel
Nidoking's Greatest Azumanga Daioh Fanfics vol. 1

    Excel stood proudly in her usual spot before the usual throne and
raised her arm in the usual salute. "HAIL, IL PALAZZO!" she shouted. "I
can't possibly express how wonderful it feels to be saying this, because
it feels to Excel as if someone else has been filling her role for quite
some time!"
    Hyatt waved weakly from the tile beside her senior. "Hail."
    "Good morning, members of ACROSS," Il Palazzo greeted them. "But I
have some bad news for you today. Excel, I will not be needing your
services from now on."
    Excel paled in shock, turning white from head to toe. "You - you
don't need my services?"
    "Correct. Or perhaps more correctly, while I still require your
services, I no longer require them from you. I will be replacing you
effective today."
    "But that's not fair!" shouted Excel. "You tried that once before,
and none of the girls you hired could take my place!" The scene behind
her changed to a starlit beach with hearts floating liberally above the
bleached sand. She threw herself toward her employer with arms
outstretched. "How could anyone love you as much as I do? What woman
could ever stand in my -"
    He pulled the rope, and the tile under her swung down, dropping her
into a bottomless pit.
    "If we hire a new replacement for senior Excel, will that make me
the senior officer?" asked Hyatt.
    "A promotion could be in your future," replied Il Palazzo. He
released the rope, closing the pit and silencing Excel's screams.
"However, I'm afraid that you would remain ineligible for our health
benefits."
    Hyatt coughed a mouthful of blood into her palm and nodded.
    "The candidates should be arriving shortly," said Il Palazzo. "I
specified the exact time they were to arrive."
    "I'm so happy, Lord Il Palazzo," said Hyatt, sitting down to wait.
*****************TWO WEEKS LATER*****************
    "Oh, Lord Il PalAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAzzo!" shouted Yukari. "I'm here!"
    "You are tardy," Il Palazzo announced calmly. "Look at what has
become of poor Hyatt in the meantime."
    Yukari looked down at the skeletal figure crouched in the center of
the room. "Is that... human?"
    "She probably starved to death waiting for you," said the leader of
ACROSS. "I expect she'll recover shortly."
    Yukari sighed. "Well, that's good to hear. I certainly didn't come
down here to clean up after your dead assistant."
    "Did you bring the girls from your class?" asked Il Palazzo.
    "Of course I did!" Yukari boasted proudly. "And I blindfolded them
just like you wanted. They have no idea where they are or how they got
here." She smirked. "I told them we were taking a field trip to the zoo.
You can't imagine how quickly Sakaki got that permission slip back to
me."
    "Very well done, Yukari. I will miss you."
    Yukari barely had time to blink before the floor opened under her.
    Hyatt weakly looked up. "Was she not allowed to know the route to
the base either, Lord Il Palazzo?"
    Il Palazzo pushed his glasses up with a long finger. "I detest
tardiness. But that is not the fault of the children waiting outside."
He raised his voice. "Enter the throne room of Il Palazzo, Lord of
ACROSS!"
    There were several loud thumps and "OW!"s from just outside the
door.
    Il Palazzo sighed. "You may remove the blindfolds first."
    Seconds later, Tomo bound into the room and raised a hand in
greeting. "Yo!"
    Il Palazzo cleared his throat. "You may address me as 'Lord Il
Palazzo'."
    "Thanks, but no thanks," said Tomo. "I'll just call you Dude."
    Several other girls filed into the room behind Tomo, gasping in
wonder. "Wow, this place is incredible!" said Yomi. "It's so huge!"
    "It looks like some kind of secret evil underground base full of
people who are trying to take over the world," said Osaka.
    Il Palazzo slowly reached for the rope.
    "There's no way this whole thing could fit underground," said Yomi.
    "And secret bases only exist in movies," added Chiyo. "People don't
try to take over the world from places like this."
    "Oh, yeah," said Osaka. "My bad. I was thinking of the ice cream
factory."
    Il Palazzo's hand returned to the arm of the throne. "Welcome,
children. I have asked you here today because I need to find a
replacement for one of my former employees. She sadly passed away not
long ago."
    "This one?" asked Kagura, kicking Hyatt's still form.
    Il Palazzo shook his head. "She will be fine. The other one's death
was a more permanent matter."
    Sakaki cocked her head. "Did you hear that?" she asked.
    "What?" asked Yomi.
    "Sounded like someone saying 'I'm not dead, I feel fine.' But really
quiet and far away."
    Il Palazzo cleared his throat. "Please ignore any voices you may
hear. The floor is perfectly safe."
    Osaka climbed onto Sakaki's shoulders and curled up like a cat.
Chiyo trembled in fear.
    "Let the auditions begin!" shouted Il Palazzo.
    Hyatt swung a small mallet against a giant gong, producing an almost
inaudible ring. "Yay!"
    "So what exactly are you looking for?" asked Yomi.
    Il Palazzo considered the question. "Well, this particular employee
was young and wastefully energetic. Not entirely intelligent, but
certainly someone worth standing behind in a fight. That way, one would
be least likely to be damaged by her errant yet effective attacks."
    Six pairs of hands pushed Tomo forward.
    Tomo put her hand behind her head and grinned broadly. "So, Mr.
Palazzo, what's the dilly?"
    Il Palazzo's eyes and fingers twitched. "The... dilly?"
    "Yeah, you know. The scoop, the tripe, the haps, the can of
sardines. Tuna fish sandwiches and pickled cheese!"
    "What language is that?" asked Il Palazzo.
    Tomo shrugged. "Dunno. I was just hungry. You got anything to eat
here?"
    "Perhaps you are TOO much like Excel," said Il Palazzo. "I don't
think we need to look any farther."
    "All right!" cheered Tomo, spinning around to stick her tongue out
at the other girls. "Beat that! I'm the champ, and you all stink!"
    Il Palazzo yanked on the rope so hard that it nearly snapped. The
floor fell open and swallowed Tomo whole. Chiyo shrieked and hid behind
Sakaki while the other girls stared at the opening.
    "WHEEEEE!" shouted Tomo as she plummeted.
    Il Palazzo's forehead creased in surprise. "She... enjoys being
dropped?"
    "She enjoys just about everything," explained Yomi.
    "I see," said Il Palazzo. He released the rope. "Then she is
useless."
    "It took you that long to figure it out?" asked Yomi.
    "And who might you be?" asked Il Palazzo.
    Yomi stepped forward. "I'm Koyomi Mizuhara." She bowed gracefully.
"So, what kind of job is this? What did this 'Excel' person do?"
    Il Palazzo's eyebrows rose. "Do?"
    "Well, yeah," said Yomi. "You must have hired her for a reason. And
what does the job pay? Are there any benefits? What are the stock
options?"
    Il Palazzo nodded. "Yes, those are all excellent questions. But I'm
having difficulty seeing your face in this light. Could you move just a
bit to the right?"
    "Sure," said Yomi, sliding to the side.
    Il Palazzo waved at her. "No, no, my right. Closer to where Hyatt is
standing."
    Yomi stepped in the other direction. "Wait a second. Are you trying
to get me to stand on the -?"
    Il Palazzo released the rope. "Next," he called dryly.
    Chiyo stepped forward with tears in her eyes. "I'm Chiyo," she
sobbed. "Please don't make me fall down."
    Il Palazzo pointed over her shoulder. Chiyo turned to see a sign
with the words "YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TALL TO FALL INTO THE PIT" and
a line well above her head. She sighed and relaxed.
    "What are your qualifications?" asked Il Palazzo.
    Chiyo kneaded her fingers. "Well, I know how to cook, and I'm really
smart, so even though I'm little, I can talk to kids in high school. And
my family's got a lot of money, so we have big houses and stuff."
    "An adequate supply of comestibles, superior intelligence, and
pre-amassment of financial capital including housing facilities,"
summarized Hyatt.
    "Indeed," said Il Palazzo. "You'll make an excellent addition to our
organization." He pulled out a sheet of paper and a quill, dipping the
tip in an inkwell built into his armrest. "Name?"
    "Chiyo Mihama," said Chiyo.
    "Age?"
    "Eleven."
    The quill broke in half as Il Palazzo's fingers clenched.
    "Isn't that too young to hold a job legally?" asked Hyatt.
    Il Palazzo crumpled the paper and threw it at Chiyo. It bounced off
her head like a volleyball.
    "I'm sorry," Chiyo apologized. "I've become so used to being a high
school student that I forgot I was underaged for certain things." She
meekly stepped back to join her comrades.
    Kaorin grabbed Sakaki's hand. "Why don't you try it, Miss Sakaki?
I'm sure you'll be picked!"
    Sakaki nodded and stepped forward, dislodging Osaka from her perch.
    Il Palazzo and Sakaki stared into each other's eyes.
    Kaorin clenched her fists in anticipation.
    Il Palazzo and Sakaki kept staring into each other's eyes.
    Hyatt smiled and wiped a dribble of blood from her chin.
    "Well?" said Il Palazzo.
    "I'm not really sure what you want me to do," said Sakaki.
    "What would you do if I refrained from giving you an order?" asked
Il Palazzo.
    Sakaki shrugged.
    "Are you just going to quietly stand there all day?"
    Sakaki shrugged again.
    Il Palazzo clapped. "Excellent! This is exactly the type of employee
I've been searching for my entire life! Even Hyatt, who spends most of
her time dead, is livelier than this!"
    Sakaki blinked. "So... do I get the job?"
    Hyatt raised her hand. "Lord Il Palazzo... perhaps we should give
this girl the final test now?"
    "Excellent thinking, Hyatt," said Il Palazzo. While Hyatt left the
room, he turned back to Sakaki. "This is merely a formality, of course.
I'm sure a strong girl like you will have no problem with it."
    "Okay," said Sakaki.
    Hyatt returned with an animal in her arms. "Here you are, Miss
Sakaki."
    Sakaki looked down at the animal. "What is it?"
    "Puchuu?" said the Puchuu.
    Sakaki blushed. "It's so cute." She reached out to pet it, and it
whacked her hand with a rug-beater.
    Il Palazzo sighed and pulled the rope. "They always fail at the
Puchuu."
    Kaorin screamed and threw herself to the floor, banging on the tile
that covered the trapdoor. "Miss Sakaki! Don't worry! I'll save you!"
    "Are you the next applicant?" asked Il Palazzo.
    Kaorin stood up defiantly. "I can be loud and obnoxious, and
demanding, and underaged, and think animals are cute as much as anyone!
So I think I've already failed the test!"
    "Indeed," said Il Palazzo, pulling the rope. "There are still more
applicants waiting."
    Kagura stepped forward. "Now that those losers are out of the way,
why don't you interview a real woman?"
    "Do you know of one?" asked Il Palazzo.
    "Ha ha. Very funny."
    Il Palazzo's eyebrows twitched. "Do you not find my humor amusing?"
    Kagura swallowed and faked a hearty laugh. "Oh, I mean, ha ha ha!
You're the best, Il Palazzo!"
    "That's better," said Il Palazzo, his fingers releasing their grip
on the rope. "So, what are your qualifications?"
    "I'm good at just about everything!" she boasted. "I'm the fastest
runner, the fastest swimmer, the highest and longest jumper, and I can
outperform anyone in any sport there is! Well, except maybe Sakaki. And
I think animals are stupid!"
    "An impressive resume," said Il Palazzo. "You sound like a perfect
candidate."
    "Hey, you can't pick her!" shouted a muffled voice from far below
the floor. "She's from Nyamo's class. NYAMO'S CLASS!"
    "I see," said Il Palazzo. "How unfortunate." He pulled the rope,
sending Kagura down to join the rest of the class. "Hyatt, be a dear and
find out who 'Nyamo' is as soon as possible."
    "Yes, Lord Il Palazzo." Hyatt saluted, then fell to the floor and
crawled out of the room.
    "Who is left?" asked Il Palazzo, glancing down at the remaining
students.
    Chiyo gasped and shook Osaka vigorously. "Wake up, Miss Osaka! It's
your turn!"
    The bubble growing from Osaka's nostrils burst, waking her. "Oh,
Chiyo-chan. This must still be a dream." She grabbed Chiyo's pigtails
and pulled, eliciting a pained scream. "Aha!" she shouted. "I knew it!
They're evil death pigtails attached to Chiyo's head with a killer death
grip that hurt whenever anyone tries to pull them off! But I know how to
save her!"
    "No, don't!" shouted Chiyo. "They're just my hair!"
    Il Palazzo blanched. "This girl is the last candidate?"
    "Oh, sure," said Chihiro. "Just forget I exist. Everyone else does."
Nobody paid attention to her.
    Il Palazzo sighed. "Very well. Step forward."
    "What, you mean on the trapdoor?" asked Osaka.
    Il Palazzo's eyes shifted. "Er, well, that is...."
    "Just making sure," said Osaka, stepping onto the perilous tile.
    Il Palazzo cleared his throat. "This is a good start. So, what
qualifications do you have?"
    "I once split a pair of chopsticks without breaking them," Osaka
bragged.
    Il Palazzo waited for her to furnish more.
    Osaka remained silent.
    Il Palazzo began to sweat profusely.
    Osaka casually lifted the "YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TALL TO FALL
INTO THE PIT" sign until the line was just above her head and smiled
triumphantly, as if she'd just split a pair of chopsticks without
breaking them.
    "Is that all?" asked Il Palazzo. "Is there nothing else you can do?"
    Osaka snored loudly.
    "She can fall asleep anywhere at any time," offered Chiyo.
    "I noticed," said Il Palazzo. "That's an ability I wish Excel had
used more often."
    "Then will you give her the job?" asked Chiyo.
    "I think I will," said Il Palazzo.
*******************THE NEXT DAY******************
    Osaka dazedly raised her hand. "Hail, Lord El Pretzel!"
    "It's Il Palazzo!" shouted Il Palazzo. "At least Excel never got my
name wrong!"
    Osaka wobbled. "Sorry about that, Al Calypso."
    "This was a mistake!" Il Palazzo yanked on the rope, and the floor
dropped out from under Osaka's feet.
    A loud gong sounded in the background.
    "Tell me," said Il Palazzo, "how exactly do you do that?"
    Osaka looked down and saw that there was no floor beneath her feet.
"Oh. Was I supposed to fall? Sometimes I forget to do that."
    "Gravity is not usually a convenience to be discarded at one's
whim," said Il Palazzo. "However, I must admire your sedate
personality."
    Osaka snored.
    "I said sedate, not sedated."
    Excel's head popped up out of the hole in the floor. "I've finally
clawed and scratched my way back to civilization! Oh! And here's Lord Il
Palazzo to welcome me back! I hope ACROSS hasn't suffered too greatly in
my absence!" She looked up at her dead partner and her floating,
slumbering replacement. "Lord Il Palazzo... this isn't by any
chance...?"
    Il Palazzo cast a critical eye over the three girls in the room and
reached a decision. "Welcome back to the fold, Excel. ACROSS welcomes
you with open arms."
    Excel's eyes sparkled. "Do you mean it?" She leapt out of the hole
and threw herself at Il Palazzo.
    He held her at arm's length. "I said ACROSS welcomes you. My arms
are not open to the likes of you."
    "That's too cruel, Lord Il Palazzo!"
    Osaka and Hyatt slumped sideways, leaning against each other like
the foundation of a very shaky teepee.
    Chiyo wandered into the room. "Back here again? Can someone PLEASE
tell me how to get out of here?"
*************************************************
    A ruler came down hard on Osaka's desk, waking her suddenly. "No
sleeping in class, Osaka!" shouted Yukari.
    Osaka yawned. "Oh well, it was all a dream. Makes sense, I suppose."
She looked up toward the front of the classroom. In the desk in front of
her, Chiyo sat in rapt attention, listening to what Yukari was saying.
    "Maybe this is a dream too." Osaka sleepily reached up and yanked on
one of Chiyo's pigtails. The floor under Tomo vanished, dumping her,
desk and all, into a dark pit.
    "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" shouted Tomo.
    "Nope, looks like I'm really awake this time," said Osaka.

----------------------------------------------------

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

My not-so-humble webpage of fanfiction and other random junk has MOVED:
http://nidoking.anifics.com Update your bookmarks!


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'