At 11:47 AM 7/6/2004, hkmiller wrote:

I enjoyed this chapter a lot. Thanks for writing and sharing it!

Thanks!

Since a few others have already addressed a few of your points, I'll snip 
some of these out of the middle.

"Thanks. Mary Jane, I think." He struggled with the cap for a few
seconds before he was able to retrieve a half dozen of the precious
painkillers.

Ryushi nodded. "Some guys have all the luck. Man, was that
redhead stacked or what? Ive got to hand it to you you sure
know how to pick them."

I found this sequence confusing, so you may want to consider
rewording. The first time through, I read Ryushi's "redhead" as
a reference to Ranma; the second time through, it seems to be
describing "Mary Jane". You obviously want to keep Ryushi's
reference to a "redhead", as a segue into Hiro's recollecting
Ranma, so I can only suggest amplifying Ryushi's comment a
bit: "Mary Jane, huh? What a stacked redhead she was...
You have all the luck. I gotta hand it to you..." etc.

Good suggestion. I'll mangle it around a bit.

Readhead?!?

Spelling error.

I managed to do that several times. Fixed.

you know better than to use the Company database

You're using the CIA's nickname for this Japanese
equivalent of the Secret Service? Strikes me as an
odd choice.

s/b "Directorate".  Fixed.

"I'm in love."

Personally, I find this Hiro character somewhat annoying,
but it looks like you have plans for him. It won't break my
heart if you forget about them or make them short.

Oh, I sure *hope* you find this guy annoying. :)

"It's kind of hard to ignore our last encounter with her."

I liked this reminder that of Usagi's last-ep battle with
Haruka and Michiru in 'S', and the grudging respect
Haruka shows in this scene.

"Good evening, Meiou-san," Ikuko Tsukino said

This surprised me a bit; did they ever meet by the end
of 'S'?

Officially?  I don't think so.  However, the S season doesn't disallow it 
from happening "off screen" sometime near the end of the arc.

Ranma blurted is surprise

(sp) that "is" should be "in"

Already fixed.

Genma was, quite frankly, pissed.

Suggest changing to a simple "Genma was pissed"
here. To me, the "quite frankly" isn't adding
anything; if anything, it suggests the author
speaking directly to the reader, which disrupts
your tone a bit.

Good catch.

its not as if I can just say noto the
Emperor after all

You have not previously given us any reason to
believe that Ranma would feel this way. Probably
the majority of Japanese would be willing to ignore
an indirect request from the Emperor, and there is
enough of a minority which WOULD be willing to
say 'no' to a direct request, that you can't just
assume that your readers know Ranma would
feel this way. It's not like it's instinctive politeness
on Ranma's part; the Gate only fixed his speech
centers, not his personality.

It's not politeness, it's based on how Ranma is depicted in the manga.

illegal pornographic pictures of the deceased Tendo-

Plausibility problem here: topless shots hardly count
as "illegal pornography" in Japan. Full frontal shots do,
as would shots Nabiki would have no way to take,
as they would require Ranko to do things she wouldn't
do. But as far as we readers are concerned, topless
is all Nabiki's ever taken, since you supply no details.

Nabiki's pictures were taken without explicit consent.  That *does* make a 
difference between "OK" and "illegal" in Japan concerning pornography.

whoever had disturbed the wards surrounding her
cache hadnt lasted very long

This could be Genma, Happosai (but he would last),
or the police, as we know from last chapter that
they were on their way to the Nekohanten. If the
latter, the repercussions will be interesting.

The latter.  It *will* get interesting.

that was the last time I had to change outfits tonight

What, no cry of "Wedding Change! Oiro-naoshi!"
followed by a transformation? ;) Given that Ranma
now is a magical girl, how could he resist? Or, for
that matter, how did Midori resist teasing Ranma
that way?

*SNORT*.

our own children would end up being trained as
actual shinobi

Well, clearly something else happened which wasn't
shown to us at the time it happened. It's fairly clear
what it WAS, mind you; it's just that I think you'd
have been better off showing the actual decision.

BTW, isn't there a Daichi missing from this scene?
Just curious.

He's asleep in the limo. I'll wake him up at the end of the scene.

Ranma was unaware she was supposed to be
the one to respond.

Clan leadership transferred with the marriage?
Would have thought that was a separate step, for
instance together with Aiko's gifting of the estate
to Ranma.

It's all is being done at the same time. Note that the Throne is handling 
the paperwork. <g>

to something you never agreed to do

Well, Ranma DID agree. Suggest you rephrase
to "something you never wanted."

Good suggestion.

============================================================
Mark Shurtleff
   email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
   irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
   fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
============================================================ 


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