I enjoyed the chapter too, and have many of my own comments that will
hopefully come in a later email.  Been an awful long time since I C&C'd...
so please forgive...

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Andrew Norris" <setsuna@anifics.com>
To: "hkmiller" <hkmiller@theeddy.com>; "Fan Fiction ML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 6:26 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma/SM] Relatively Absent: Chapter 10

I can answer some questiosn for you, for Gaijin (without spoling even)

I can probably do even better on some.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "hkmiller" <hkmiller@theeddy.com>
To: "Mark Shurtleff" <gaijin@sfcmd.com>
Cc: "Fan Fiction ML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 11:47 AM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma/SM] Relatively Absent: Chapter 10
(Snippages, on pure grammer or "cofusing" complaints
<Snip>

 > you know better than to use the Company database

You're using the CIA's nickname for this Japanese
equivalent of the Secret Service? Strikes me as an
odd choice.

I can see it, but I tend to agree, and _I_ didn't catch it on the

prepread.

no good.  The Japanese LOVE titles.  There'd be a nickname that is only a
shortening of the office's name.  Something like the Ministry of
Intelligence or Ministry of Internal Affairs and Security.  Or if not a
Ministry, Internal Affairs and Security Agency.

 > "I'm in love."

Personally, I find this Hiro character somewhat annoying,
but it looks like you have plans for him. It won't break my
heart if you forget about them or make them short.

No comment here.

Ditto.

<SNIP>

 > his aura projected a confidence and strength of will
 > only seen in those who were grandmasters of their
 > fields.

I found this bit rather hard to swallow. Not that it
makes much difference to your fic as a whole, but,
since that's so, you might want to rephrase. Even
your 'fictionalized' Emperor is the latest member of
a very long line, and inherited the only position he
could ever hold; what possible incentive could he
have to develop such strength of will? Knowing
what almost alwarys happens to the willpower of
heirs of the Nth generation (where N > 2), I don't
understand why you'd want to say this anyway.

*shrugs* First: He's roughly based on the real guy... who's in his latter
years... and has _lived_ though a HELL of a lot.
I can see it.  It's not unusual... QE is a iron bitch, (no insult to

british

readers intented, it's a complement in MY eyes) no question...
the problem is, you'd almost HAVE to delevop strength of will to keep from
strangling or snapping in the positions they're in.
Sometimes being in the slots they're in... is NOT the easiest job in the
world, y'know?

I'll do you even better.  The reviews of his book were so so, but there is a
book by Bix on the life of Hirohito.  I never did finish reading it, but it
goes through *everything*... his education, etc. in detail.  That man was
rasied to be an active emperor.  He had a full military educated, foreign
languages, politics, government, etc.  The last living Genro (senior
advisor) from the era of his grandfather Mutsumoto, the Meiji Emperor and
his circle wanted to retake the reigns of power from the political parties
and the Diet.  Thus they raised Hirohito for this role and used his
grandfather as much fo a role model.  And we all know how important that
period of time was as well.  As a matter of fact the original circle of
Genro were the leaders of those top Daimyo families that had opposed the
Tokugawa family and were thus based from lands anywhere near Edo (just a
little FYI).  I don't find it a stretch to imagine that Hirohito and the
Imperial Household Agency would have wanted Akihito to have been raised to
be prepared to fully take over his father's pre-WWII role.

 > do you know how *long* its been since someone
 > has actually had the courage to say crap or any
 > other swear word in my presence?

This bit, however, rings true to me. (It may or may
not BE true, but I swallowed it very easily.)

Impossible.  Just wouldn't happen.  Japanese thinking is something ingrained
into everything... way of life, language, *everything*.  The Japanese are
raised and controlled tightly by the rules of the society, and even for the
Emperor they are not so easily set aside.  It is possible that he tells them
to speak their mind, but that happens all the time in foreign companies, but
no one ever does.  THey feel that if they ever say something negative about
their boss that they'll be immediately fired.

*grin* I wonder how often someone swears in the President's presense...

and

hte answer is: "Not often"  And Japan's a more polite soicety.

Japan isn't more polite.  Japan has more procedural rules rearding
inpersonal relations and interaction which aleives uncertainly in "new"
situations.

 > And as of the moment, you  specifically your
 > female form  are the sole legal heir of the
 > Yamada Ninjutsu Ryu-

While highly convenient at this point, it strikes me
that this point could use additional justification of
some sort. In Japanese law, and in MOST schools
of this-or-that art, adopted children make
perfectly respectable heirs. Why isn't Midori a
legal heir? Or, for that matter, Ranma's cousin
Mariko we're introduced to in this chapter? (You
never state that lack of training disqualifies an heir,
for instance.)

First: there are sometimes clauses to inheirtance rules within families...
second, ever think Aiko's mother or grandmother got a private bill passed?
restricting it to strictly bloodline females? DIRECT Bloodline?
(ie, my daughter, my granddaughter, etc.  Mariko is bloodline, but not
direct female bloodline)
Think of it as a root hog or die clause in some wills.  And no, it's the
bloodline, acutally.

Actually legally women can and do inherit.  Crown Princess Aiko will be the
first major case of this happening when she acends to the throne following
her father, Crown Prince Naruhito (Akihito's eldest son).  However the
tradition is for the eldest male child, and in the case of marital arts,
farms, stores, etc. when a male marries the only daughter, he takes on her
family name to inherit everything with the daughter as the head of the
family.  In this case... Ranma is the eldest male grandchild and a blood
relative... both make a huge difference.

 > Normally the Throne avoids

Is that really the word used in Japan? (You
could have used "I", for instance, or "the
Imperial Household") It strikes me as a
Briticism applied to Japan.

*shrugs* I wouldn't say it, but... the equivant wouldn't make sense,

really.

Also, remember, the Japanese Royal family for reasons left better
undiscussed tended to "merge" customs, a lot, esipcally in the Menji era.
(its' not that I don't want to discuss them, it's that I don't want to

spend

50+ pages on the arugment)
I could see it.

Meiji... M E I J I... NOT Menji.

Japan's names for various things are a ridiculous mix of British and
American English.  However, If I remember correctly, when Naruhito gave a
press conference about Masako (his wife) recently, he refered to the Throne
as the Imperial Household.

 > Ranma blurted is surprise
(sp) that "is" should be "in"

 > "Marriage gift tax exemptions?"
 >
 > Yet another shake.

So neither Soun, Genma, Nabiki, or Kasumi have
ever bothered to explain to Ranma exactly WHY
his marriage to Akane was so important? Well,
quite plausible for Genma, actually. At any rate,
Ranma's NOT knowing this perhaps make his
decision later this chapter a bit more plausible.

Kasumi? I tend to agree here... acutally, on this... but, I can also see

her

assuming for a bit that Genma _DID_ tell Ranma... and when she figures it
out, that he didn't (oh, hell, I can see that easily, Genma not telling)
figuring it's NOT her duty to tell.  Nabiki? Give information for free?
*snerk!*
Akane... likey knows, but hasn't bothered to tell Ranma (Oh, he should
know!)
Soun? As well, or doesn't care.

No one should need to tell him.  It is VERY common knowledge.  Like only
legally having to go to school through junior high school.

 > "Hiroko-chan turns twelve years old the end
 > of May." Midori grimaced. "Just old enough
 > to be legally married, Ranma."

According to the US Embassy in Japan's web
site, the minimum age for a female is 16, by
country-wide law:
http://japan.usembassy.gov/e/acs/tacs-7114a.html
Not sure where you got 12 (Mississippi forty
years ago? Pakistan?). You might consider
making Hiroko hate Daichi, or possibly be
mentally retarded, as alternatives.

Check the _DATE_ when Japanese marriage laws became 16.  That's critical

for

the story.
(Nov, 1994, IIRC, Gaijin has the excat date, mind you.)
Now, as of 2004, you're dead right.  As of MARCH 1994, you're not.
Sorry! (Timing is EVERYTHING!)

And you  are completely correct. THis also raises the age of consent for sex
as well.  Kinda sad actually.  As if this changes how people behave right
away...

 > "Like I said &" Ranma said with a sigh. "So
 > what DO we do next?"

This seems to be the core of the chapter: Ranma's
decision to go along with the wedding plans. Given
that the rationale the Emperor has provided is
essentially the same that Genma and Soun have, it's
quite ironic that Ranma accepts here. But it is more
plausible if Ranma doesn't know what Genma and
Soun's rationale is.

Okay, here's a simple and hard point.
HAS Ranma _EVER_ denied BLUNTLY that he would _NOT_ marry Akane?
Has Ranma _ever_ denined that he WOULD not marry a Tendo?
Answer to both questions: "No."

Ranma went along with the Tendo engagement.  In this without really
realizing what it was all about
In this case... he knows, and has been TOLD by someone he in theory should
respect, its' for the best.
It _also_ clears his honor, Ukyou's honor, Tendo's honor _very_ well.

How does marrying Midori clear everyone's honor?

I actually don't find Ranma's decision here as hard
to swallow as I probably should, which is a tribute
to your skill as a writer. Still, I think you could
strengthen things a bit more: you might consider
showing us Ranma thinking a time or two prior
to this that Midori looks really cute, for instance.
You might consider having the Emperor or Aiko
tell Ranma that all other engagements involving
honor have been broken off cleanly.

It also helps us, I think, that Ranma's been through
so much life change lately, with the Gate, the lock,
and finding his family, that marriage seems like just
one more big change, rather than the biggest.

 > Aiko nodded sharply. "Dont worry. This is
 > something I will handle personally. There will be
 > *no* mess left behind."

This struck me as a trifle extreme; Aiko doesn't
yet know that it's not an honest mistake, like
the deposits going into the wrong account. For
that matter, since the deposits might have been
delegated, she might be going after the wrong
crook.

Err... the implied level of embezlement isn't a mistake.  Second.... well,
remember the date of the story (1994)
Aiko had been making deposits in the 80's.  Embelzement was _common_ then.

To be honest, this is one point I acutally agree, that needs more expasion
on.  Not a _lot_ of people _KNOW_ this, and it's
not a trivial task to find out, ethier.

I agree as well.  Needs more fleshing out.

<SNIP>

its not as if I can just say no to the
 > Emperor after all

You have not previously given us any reason to
believe that Ranma would feel this way. Probably
the majority of Japanese would be willing to ignore
an indirect request from the Emperor, and there is
enough of a minority which WOULD be willing to
say 'no' to a direct request, that you can't just
assume that your readers know Ranma would
feel this way. It's not like it's instinctive politeness
on Ranma's part; the Gate only fixed his speech
centers, not his personality.

*shrugs* Ranma obeyed his father on the marriage agreement.
And with Nodoka's personality in this story, and the fact she _DID_ have

him

for 5 years, she
likey imprinted just enough for him to have _respect_ for the Emperor, and

I

can see Genma
rasing Ranma with Bushido (or his own warped version of it), anyways.

It's not Bushido.  It's neo-confucianism that arose during the era years of
the Edo Period when Ieyasu Tokugawa used confucian ideas to divide up
society and thus keep the people down.

 > Mugonno smiled to himself as he watched

I liked the view into the clan politics and personalities
here, btw.

 > illegal pornographic pictures of the deceased Tendo-

Plausibility problem here: topless shots hardly count
as "illegal pornography" in Japan. Full frontal shots do,
as would shots Nabiki would have no way to take,
as they would require Ranko to do things she wouldn't
do. But as far as we readers are concerned, topless
is all Nabiki's ever taken, since you supply no details.

Err... _without- consent, and underage.  Note the wording.
"Illegal".
Illegal in the sense that HOW she did it was agasint hte law. Not illegal

in

their existance.
See the difference?

Whatever.  Topless shots are all so common.  You do know that you can buy
porno off the shelf in almost any convenience store (not behind the counter)
or bookstore.  Plus Enjo Kosai (essentially underage prostitution) and
whatnot... no man.  not that big a deal.  We still have many chikan (sexual
perverts) onthe trains grabbing and feeling up women...

 > especially considering the number of family members
 > present

Normal Japanese weddings have only the immediate
family in attendance. The big crowd shows for the
reception. While I have no idea what the protocol
would be like for a wedding held at the Imperial
Palace, it might be worth having Nodoka or Aiko
comment on differences.

See below. the acutal _wedding_ itself, only has the immediate family,

yes.

(though that varies depending on the family, mind you, and it's _not_

_that_

unusual to have 1st cousins in attendance)

No the wedding ceremony has whom ever you want.  Traditionally isn't still
not just immediate family.  It is immediate family and very close friends
only.  Been to a few.  Trust me on this one.  The reception is not everyone.
It is the wedding ceremony party mainly and some more people.. likely mostly
family and close co-workers.  The afterparty then involves all the rest of
your friends and acquaintences.

 > whoever had disturbed the wards surrounding her
 > cache hadnt lasted very long

This could be Genma, Happosai (but he would last),
or the police, as we know from last chapter that
they were on their way to the Nekohanten. If the
latter, the repercussions will be interesting.

<Snerk!>  (Ie, wait til you see, hints have been laid)

 > that was the last time I had to change outfits tonight

What, no cry of "Wedding Change! Oiro-naoshi!"
followed by a transformation? ;) Given that Ranma
now is a magical girl, how could he resist? Or, for
that matter, how did Midori resist teasing Ranma
that way?

*SNERK* Who said he didn't?  Hey, Gaijin, point!
*blinks* BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH! BHWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Oh, remember this, hk.  Please.

Oh yeah... that'd be cute.

 > our own children would end up being trained as
 > actual shinobi

Well, clearly something else happened which wasn't
shown to us at the time it happened. It's fairly clear
what it WAS, mind you; it's just that I think you'd
have been better off showing the actual decision.

It was implied.  Not stated.  Basically, Suzu got the message loud and
clear, so did Ichrio that the family's needed
AS Kunoichi. Suzu hasn't _quite_ caught the difference, though. (and yeah,
shinobi training will be added.  the Anything Goes style is
a effective shinobi style)

Not without the forbidden techniques.  It's a good hand to hand combat base,
but for Shinobi, they need more than standard Anything Goes will encompass.

BTW, isn't there a Daichi missing from this scene?
Just curious.

*blink* *nods* How right you are.

 > Ranma was unaware she was supposed to be
 > the one to respond.

Clan leadership transferred with the marriage?
Would have thought that was a separate step, for
instance together with Aiko's gifting of the estate
to Ranma.

Err... since the assets are being handed over, at the marriage, the public
head is Ranma, though _no_ one expects her to acutally _run_ it.
Aiko's of the age where she's _expected_ to retire and be a
"grandmother/nun" (depending on the family) anyways. This is not out of
line.
No one's going to _belive_ Ranko's acutally in control though.

And it was Ranma's wedding that was the real point of the meeting.

 > to something you never agreed to do

Well, Ranma DID agree. Suggest you rephrase
to "something you never wanted."

Before it was slammed into her face, I think MIdori's saying, but yeah,

good

point.


Andrew
(And I hope I helped to clear this up!)

It's been fun.


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