Some hours later, the waves pushed the two ashore a beach on a small
island. The rosy-fingered dawn breaking over the ocean illuminated the
scene, showing a wide expanse of sea and no other land in sight. On
the beach, a stout man lay unconscious next to a small boy, about 6
years old. Their clothing, tattered and soaked as it was, was
nonetheless recognizable as martial arts uniforms.

"Wake up, Ranma. We've got to get to shelter," the man weakly

- So you meant that the boy was unconcious, not the man? If he's waking up 
Ranma, it seems logical that Ranma would be the unconcious one.

"Ranma! Wake up!" The man slapped him several times; the boy's skin
looked a little gray in the early light, and felt a bit chill from the
spray of water lapping against the beach. The man felt a bit panicked,

- You're saying "a bit" too often here. I do it too, it's hard to notice in 
your own writing sometimes.

but his hard-earned survival skills came to the fore. "All right,
Ranma, I'll just move you over here underneath the shade, and you can
sleep for a while longer." The man's voice had softened as he spoke;
he was gentle moving his sleeping son off the coral sanded beach, and

- gentle in moving

Dr. Tofu gulped. "Sir, I... I ... no." His voice was weak and
tremulous by comparison. "I can reverse the final transition, but
animals are affected by some different mechanism. I'm close, though, I
know I am!"

- Hmm. Interesting take on Tofu. I see him as the type to not want to mess 
with Mother Nature in this way, however, especially not with animals.

This fic is an attempt at integrating scenes into the prose (without
explicit scene demarcation), and I'd particularly like to know
peoples' opinions of that. Comments on anything else are also welcome.
I'd like to know what works *and* what *doesn't* work.

-As far as style, I think that you're doing alright. Your writing is good, 
and your storytelling is fine. It still felt a little bland, however, as 
though it needed something extra to it. Maybe that would go away as it 
becomes more and more developed?

- It sounds like it could lead to interesting places, plotwise. A zombie 
Ranma might be interesting. Though he wouldn't be much of a martial artist 
that way, what with the rotting and the slowness.

- Or is it going to be more like Frakenstein's monster?

- Elena99







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