First thought: This is really short for a chapter. More sort of a teaser, really.
What you have here is a very basic scene. No explanations, no hook to make a reader interested in seeing what comes next. I think that if you explained things a bit -- you don't have to give everything away, of course -- or if you gave a little more description, maybe it'd have more of a chance to grab the reader.
That, plus there are still some mechanical flaws that made it hard to read:
"Kasumi, I brought Kimiko home tonight. I thought it might be best if
she stayed in the guest room. Seeing as how your dad is out getting
drunk with my old man." Ranma stated calmly.
drunk with my old man," Ranma stated calmly.
--> I don't recall Ranma ever speaking as politely as this. Kind of OC?
" Kimiko, what an odd coincidence that is my mother's name. Of course
you can let her stay there. " Kasumi replied. Then she stepped into the
living room from the direction of the kitchen. She stood there for a
minute maybe slightly more and collapsed.
...stay there," Kasumi replied.
--> You need some commas -- after coincidence, after minute, perhaps after more.
--> Also, your description of action seems a bit stilted. I get the impression that Kasumi was just standing there, doing nothing. Then she spoke. Then she moved. Then she stood. No reaction. Then, for no apparent reason, she collapses.
--> I'd reword like this: ...you can let her stay there," Kasumi replied, as she moved from the kitchen to the living room. What she saw there shocked her into immobility, until a minute later, she collapsed.
Ranma managed to catch her.
Kimiko stepped over and examined her eldest daughter. Nodding she spoke
for the first time, " Kaschan will be fine in a few minutes. She just
fainted from the shock."
Nodding, she spoke for the first time. "Kachan will..."
-or-
Nodding, she spoke for the first time, saying, "Kachan will..."
FYI: Kasumi (written Ka-su-mi) wouldn't be abbreviated in the middle of a syllable. I think it'd be Ka-chan or Kasu-chan.
Ranma commented " How unusual, she ordinarily takes everything in
stride. Well I will lay her on the couch. Do you want to sit with her
and try to waken her.?"
Odd spacing after the quotation mark. Comma after Well. Why is Ranma talking like this?
" Of course; Ranma. She is my little girl , even if she isn't so little
anymore. Sigh I would have liked to have been here with them or at
least watching over them more but I had things to do ( upstairs ) . I
wonder how Soun and the others will like my return, I hope they don't
want me to leave!"
--> You seem to be having a spacing problem around punctuation. People don't actually say "sigh" when they sigh, do they?
--> Stylistic choice: Using parentheses in written speech doesn't really look right to me.
--snip--
Akane and Nabiki enter the room quietly for a change. Seeing someone
with Kasumi's head on her lap. They are rather shocked. Then Nabiki
looks up at some paintings of her family, then over at the Altar on the
wall. Then she runs over shouting "MOM"
Seeing someone with Kasumi's head on their lap, they are rather shocked.
--> You've changed from past tense to present tense here.
Ranma who had stepped into the Kitchen, to see if Kasumi had left
anything cooking. Casually asked " Akane aren't you going to go over and
say hello to your mom. I mean I went and returned her to life for you.
Just as I returned you to life back at Jusendo. I heard you say how much
you missed her the other day so I fixed everything up for you to have
what you wanted. "
Ranma, who had stepped into the kitchen to see if Kasumi had left anything cooking, casually asked "Akane, aren't you going to go over and say hello to your mom? I mean, I went....
--> And you're back to past tense.
At this point all the faces in the room turned to stare at Ranma.
--> Who wasn't in the room, because he had stepped into the kitchen to see if Kasumi had left anything cooking. One way or the other, this needs to be clarified.
Everyone had a look of total disbelief. One thought was in their heads,
He heard her and just like that he did the impossible and returned
someone to life .! Building them a new body!! Just to please his
girlfriend!!! Impossible!!!!
Umm...
Anyway, I feel that I can't comment on plot, because there really isn't enough of that yet. You need more...
Just my 2 cents. Hope this helps.
Raja