Rick,

I know you're trying, but it's flat.  This should be a very
emotionally-charged situation, but it comes off as if everyone in the room
has taken a hefty dose of tranquilizers.  On top of that, Ranma is talking
as if he's no longer 16 years old.  Go over and say hello to your Mom,
indeed - I just can't see it.

At the end, you've got everyone looking at Ranma in total amazement that
he did this just to please Akane.  However, adding a lot of exclamation
points isn't going to make it exciting.  Try to get into one of the
character's heads, instead of describing their reaction is a group thing.

Kasumi - 'I knew Ranma-kun cared more for Akane that he let us think.'

Or perhaps having Akane so overcome that her legs give out and she plops
down onto the floor, saying to herself over and over "he did that for ME?"

Don't rush it.  Take your time, think it over.  I think you can pull it
off.

June


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'