Raja wrote:

First thought:  This is really short for a chapter.  More sort of a teaser, really. 

What you have here is a very basic scene.  No explanations, no hook to make a reader interested in seeing what comes next.  I think that if you explained things a bit -- you don't have to give everything away, of course -- or if you gave a little more description, maybe it'd have more of a chance to grab the reader.

Well this is a bit of a teaser or at least an opening scene, basically 
Ranma is OOC and that is part of the plot. He is doing impossible things 
but can't realize that  they are impossible. Sort of like in the Warner 
Bros. cartoons where they step off of a cliff but don't fall until they 
look down. I did do a longer version but it got shot down totally so I 
cut this part short. One scene per anime, basically. This one being 
Ranma I cut it shorter than most. I plan to expand this after he finds 
out  what is happening and has to live with the results.

That, plus there are still some mechanical flaws that made it hard to read:

 

"Kasumi, I brought Kimiko home tonight. I thought it might be best if
she stayed in the guest room. Seeing as how your dad is out getting
drunk with my old man." Ranma stated calmly.
   

drunk with my old man," Ranma stated calmly.

--> I don't recall Ranma ever speaking as politely as this.  Kind of OC?

 

" Kimiko, what an odd coincidence that is my mother's name. Of course
you can let her stay there. " Kasumi replied. Then she stepped into the
living room from the direction of the kitchen.  She stood there for a
minute maybe slightly more and collapsed.
   

...stay there," Kasumi replied.

--> You need some commas -- after coincidence, after minute, perhaps after more.

Usually I get told to cut the commas. I normally tend to run my 
sentences on far to long. Ironic

--> Also, your description of action seems a bit stilted.  I get the impression that Kasumi was just standing there, doing nothing.  Then she spoke.  Then she moved.  Then she stood.  No reaction.  Then, for no apparent reason, she collapses.

--> I'd reword like this:  ...you can let her stay there," Kasumi replied, as she moved from the kitchen to the living room.  What she saw there shocked her into immobility, until a minute later, she collapsed.

Not bad, I might steal that.

Ranma managed to catch her.

Kimiko stepped over and examined her eldest daughter. Nodding she spoke
for the first time, " Kaschan will be fine in a few minutes. She just
fainted from the shock."
   

Nodding, she spoke for the first time.  "Kachan will..."

-or-

Nodding, she spoke for the first time, saying, "Kachan will..."

FYI:  Kasumi (written Ka-su-mi) wouldn't be abbreviated in the middle of a syllable.  I think it'd be Ka-chan or Kasu-chan.

Don't know about the pronunciation other than that in my subtitled 
versions it is pronounced KAS UMI  long U, I as long E . So Kas-Chan or 
Kaschan would be correct pronunciation and abbreviation.

Ranma commented " How unusual, she ordinarily takes everything in
stride. Well I will lay her on the couch. Do you want to sit with her
and try to waken her.?"
   

Odd spacing after the quotation mark.  Comma after Well.  Why is Ranma talking like this? 

Spacing is problems with my keyboard. sorry about that! Part of the 
problem with the commas is also keyboard. I hit the key but it doesn't 
always register or it will double stroke the previous key ( space bar ) 
instead.

" Of course; Ranma.  She is my little girl , even if she isn't so little
anymore.  Sigh I would have liked to have been here with them  or  at
least watching over them more but  I had things to do ( upstairs ) . I
wonder how Soun and the others will like my return, I hope they don't
want me to leave!"
   

--> You seem to be having a spacing problem around punctuation.  People don't actually say "sigh" when they sigh, do they?

--> Stylistic choice:  Using parentheses in written speech doesn't really look right to me.
 

I am using a convention in which you do not designate a specific but use 
parentheses to indicate a synonym  or equivalent term. In this case I am 
hinting she went to a good place but not using the term Heaven or Asgard 
or equivalent.  The sigh is used, I know people who say sigh.   Older or 
middle aged  people mostly but then she is Souns' age, actually if she 
is a mature woman, she is probably much older than Soun  mentally. 
Physically she is the same age as when she died. Something I didn't 
mention but probably should have.

--snip--
Akane and Nabiki enter the room quietly for a change. Seeing someone
with Kasumi's head on her lap. They are rather shocked. Then Nabiki
looks up at some paintings of her family, then over at the Altar on the
wall. Then she runs over shouting "MOM"
   

Seeing someone with Kasumi's head on their lap, they are rather shocked.

--> You've changed from past tense to present tense here.

Darn, I tried to avoid that trap. Thanks for pointing it out. This is 
supposed to be in the past.

Ranma who had stepped into the Kitchen, to see if Kasumi had left
anything cooking. Casually asked " Akane aren't you going to go over and
say hello to your mom. I mean I went and returned her to life for you.
Just as I returned you to life back at Jusendo. I heard you say how much
you missed her the other day so I fixed everything up for you to have
what you wanted. "
   

Ranma, who had stepped into the kitchen to see if Kasumi had left anything cooking, casually asked "Akane, aren't you going to go over and say hello to your mom?  I mean, I went....

--> And you're back to past tense.

 

At this point all the faces in the room turned to stare at Ranma.
   

--> Who wasn't in the room, because he had stepped into the kitchen to see if Kasumi had left anything cooking.  One way or the other, this needs to be clarified.

Oops I meant to say; He went into the Kitchen and after making sure 
everything was OK,  he returned to the living room. Me Bad (no comments 
from the peanut galley about my quality of writing either)

Everyone had a look of total disbelief. One thought was in their heads,
He heard her and just  like that he did the impossible  and returned
someone to life .!  Building them a new body!! Just to please his
girlfriend!!!  Impossible!!!!
   

Umm...

Anyway, I feel that I can't comment on plot, because there really isn't enough of that yet.  You need more...

Just my 2 cents.  Hope this helps.

Raja
 

Yes it did. Thanks I do appreciate your help. It will make V.1.3 a 
better more coherent story or so I hope.

-- 
Rick Robinson
RICHARDROBINSON@prodigy.net


If violence is not solving your
problems you're just not using enough of it.

				 Misato

"I guess I'm just an old-fashioned sentimentalist at heart.  I refuse
 to accept a no-win scenario.  I hate the thought of a universe without
 justice.  If the maneuverings of dark powers can't be exposed and
 defeated by the pure of heart, then there's no point in anything.  I
 can't believe that."
                               -- Benjamin Hutchins




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