Well this is a bit of a teaser or at least an opening scene, basically
Ranma is OOC and that is part of the plot. He is doing impossible things
but can't realize that they are impossible. Sort of like in the Warner
Bros. cartoons where they step off of a cliff but don't fall until they
look down. I did do a longer version but it got shot down totally so I
cut this part short. One scene per anime, basically. This one being
Ranma I cut it shorter than most. I plan to expand this after he finds
out what is happening and has to live with the results.
The fact that you have to explain your premise in a response to a C&C indicates that you aren't telling your story very well.
--> I'd reword like this: ...you can let her stay there," Kasumi replied, as she moved from the kitchen to the living room. What she saw there shocked her into immobility, until a minute later, she collapsed.
Not bad, I might steal that.
And are you going to re-write everything else to make it fit in?!
FYI: Kasumi (written Ka-su-mi) wouldn't be abbreviated in the middle of a syllable. I think it'd be Ka-chan or Kasu-chan.
Don't know about the pronunciation other than that in my subtitled
versions it is pronounced KAS UMI long U, I as long E . So Kas-Chan or
Kaschan would be correct pronunciation and abbreviation.
No, it wouldn't. You are assuming that the romaji you're seeing is equivalent to words written in English. They're not. In hiragana, Kasumi is written and pronounced as three syllables: KA SU MI. You CAN NOT break a syllable in the middle, and there is no syllable "s." All but one of the Japanese syllables end in a vowel sound.
Ask anyone who's lived in Japan for any length of time.
Spacing is problems with my keyboard. sorry about that! Part of the
problem with the commas is also keyboard. I hit the key but it doesn't
always register or it will double stroke the previous key ( space bar )
instead.
?!? Don't you proofread before you post?
I am using a convention in which you do not designate a specific but use
parentheses to indicate a synonym or equivalent term. In this case I am
hinting she went to a good place but not using the term Heaven or Asgard
or equivalent.
Yes, but you're writing _dialogue_-- no one talks like that! Much of your dialogue is stilted and unnatural sounding, as well as OOC. Try reading what you write out loud, and ask yourself if these characters would really talk that way.
Oops I meant to say; He went into the Kitchen and after making sure
everything was OK, he returned to the living room. Me Bad (no comments
>from the peanut galley about my quality of writing either)
What, so you don't want C&C?
I will be honest with you. Nothing in this compels me to read any further. What with the unexplained OOC stuff, the lack of detail, the mistakes, and the lack of story, it's still just an idea, not even at first-draft level yet. Maybe you can make it work with a re-write or two, but from this beginning, I'm just not interested in what might happen next.