From: "Nuki Mouse" <Nuki_mouse@hotmail.com>
Date: 2004/06/29 Tue PM 05:56:41 GMT
To: <thermopyle@tds.net>, <ffml@anifics.com>
CC: "Nuki Mouse" <Nuki_mouse@nospam.com>
Subject: [FFML] Re: that hp/ranma thing
----- Original Message -----
From: <thermopyle@tds.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Monday, June 28, 2004 11:17 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: that hp/ranma thing
Okay...I'm going to reply to the story and to a few different email
comments here, so I'll just start from the bottom of the thread.
To start with, directly from the fic:
"Akane held a hand out with a pair of 5000 yen notes, frowning as she
reached for the tape."
I don't think it's likely that Akane would be carrying a hundred dollars
(greatly rounded) on her. MAYBE she'd have it stored in her room somewhere,
but she wouldn't have it on her, especially when she wouldn't be carrying a
purse at the time.
IMO about $90 US is not an extraordinary amount to be carried by a high
school student nowadays.. Plus, given that the likelihood that Nabiki could
charge her for important information at any time, Akane could be in the
habit of carrying a few thousand yen to pay her off.
PS: Ever here of pockets or a pocket size change purse? Since Akane
routinely does not carry a purse, yet does charge at least some money with
her to school and such, I'd say that she has. (Again, IMO)
She routinely carries a bookbag to school, which she could put money in. I'm not sure if standard school uniforms for girls in Japan have pockets. Maybe they do. Regardless, this scene reads similarly to the many fanfiction scenes in which Nabiki demands an incredible amount of yen in return for information or something; sometimes she even goes up to 500 yen! That'll break the bank! It's just...off. Having her retrieve the money from somewhere certainly doesn't hurt anything, and it will be easier for people to believe if Akane is reluctant to hand over that much money instantly without argument when already quite annoyed; the amount is much too large for Akane's casual response.
"But what really bugged her was that this was hitting her harder than she
expected. It's not like she really cared for Ranma, was it? Oh, who did she
think she was fooling? Of course she did, Nabiki realized. She had cared for
Ranma for quite a while, even if she wouldn't admit it to herself. After
all, who was it that pulled her family's fat out of the fire, time and time
again? Sure, sometimes it was his fault for actually putting it in the fire
to begin with, but she knew several times where he'd saved them from their
own stupidity."
This segment doesn't work very well. It would be far more believable for
Nabiki to have already realized her love for Ranma. Trying to make out like
she's just noticing it now calls more attention to the transition from cold
bitch to Ranma-loving-junkie, which this fic does NOT need. Changing the
story so that Nabiki was just hiding her affections would help quite a bit,
because it's easier to get the reader to go along with a constant
characterization that is present from the beginning of the story than try to
carry out a transformation that the reader will be forced to wade through.
Justifications for why Nabiki is in love with Ranma just weaken and slow the
story down; there is no gain to be made from such an approach in this story
where shifting characterizations will not get the extreme amount of focus
that will be required for a successful change.
That segment did not read that way to me. IT did not seem that Nabiki was
just now realizing that she cared for Ranma, but that she realized it a
while ago an was still trying to deny it and soothe her guilty concious for
the way she treated him. It even says in the prose "...She had cared for
Ranma for quite a while, even if she wouldn't admit it to herself...."
Justifying why Nabiki might have fallen in love with Ranma gives readers a
plausible reason for Nabiki to start changing her behavior.
"It's not like she really cared for Ranma, was it? Oh, who did she think she was fooling? Of course she did, Nabiki realized."
Sorry, but that's the realization right there. Transforming a character is far more complex and much harder to pull off than simply saying that Nabiki had been acting the bitch to keep her distance from Akane's fiance. Even if that's a fairly standard approach, it's no more so than the sudden realization thing this fic is trying to pull, and at this level of writing, it's far more appropriate.
"Tofu shook her head. "You were young. It was a simple enough mistake."
"I shouldn't have been doing that anyway. I am glad you're finally over
it, though," Kasumi said, ashamed."
I have to admit I was pleasently surprised by this. A nice addition. The
later revealing of this to Nabiki was going too far, though.
Why, is it sometning dishonorable? The story makes it clear that Soun was a
muggle. Given Soun's reaction to Nabiki's school letter, it is apparent his
attitude about magi was simular to Harry's uncles, even though he married a
witch. Since the Tendo family was living as muggles, there would be no
reason to tell the daughters about Golden Sora or being Magi until they were
11. Of corse after Mrs. Tendo died, Soun refused to let Kasumi continue
schooling a probably told her NOT to tell her sisters anything about magic.
...it was going too far to repeat the information later on simply because that's bashing the reader in the head with the idea. We already know, and calling more attention to it than necessary just diminishes the effectiveness of the idea, which mostly comes from its uniqueness. I'm not sure what you're going on about in your reply here, but that wasn't what I meant at all.
Nodoka just begged and insisted that Ranma goes to the "Golden Sora" school,
that would entail him remaining 11. Given Ranma's honor and that he was
willing to kill himself if he does not live up to her expectations, this
would preclude any attempt by Ranma to turn back if Nabiki did find the
mushrooms.
Hm. Doubtful. Regardless, it would have been an issue that would have come up, as I said; simply not addressing it is an obvious problem.
Another problem raised by your statements here, however, is that Nodoka has for very long wanted Ranma to go to Golden Sofa. She pledged that her child would go there with the child of her good friend, Mrs. Tendou. Why the hell did Nodoka not even object to Ranma saying he was supposed to go to Hogwarts? Sorry, that just doesn't work. I expect there to be a lot of heel-digging in the next chapter, and arguments between Nodoka and the Headmistress or whatever of Golden Sofa over where Ranma is going to be attending.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'