--- elisteran <elisteran@hotmail.com> wrote:

Aishuu Shadowweaver <mbsilvana@yahoo.com> writes:

When Shindou Hikaru passed me by, I knew it was time
to quit.

What a lovely story. The smart quotes issue that Troy mentioned
bugged
me, but the story was sufficient to make me forget that. The text
also
seemed a little narrow -- 60 columns? 

I have, I'm sure everyone will be relieved to know, resolved the
smartqoutes issue. I hope! ^^;; It only took eight years... As for
the other, well, that's the way I have things set. ^^;;

 

I'm not familiar with the series other than hearsay, so I was
reading
it entirely a blank slate. 

Gotcha. Some of the things you pointed out were for the blank slate.

I began playing I was six. It wasn't particularly
because I enjoyed the game, but because my father
adored it. My father had been an insei in his day, but
he had never quite been good enough. There is a
difference between someone who is �quite good� and

the 'never quite been good enough' and 'quite good' in such close
proximity is a little bad.

I thought I contrasted - it was deliberate - that's why it's in
quotes.

I pointed out that the brightest stars often fall,
burning out from blazing too brightly too soon. I
thought he was finally self-destructing, but he
managed to come through.

Pointed out to whom? Might be better to indicate
 

Iijima tends to point things out to whoever asks him. He's the
analytical mind people always ask about how people do. He's not a
great player, but he's a wonderful observer.

I looked at Shinoda, and spoke frankly, hoping that if
I got the words out quickly, it wouldn�t hurt. �When
you filled positions at the insei test, you�ll have to

fill
 

Yup.

I couldn�t believe it when she led me to an adult
playground. 

Hmm. What's that? I have visions of something like a pub, but an
image
of a for-larger-people McDonalds playhouse keeps intruding. You
might
want to describe it a bit more, for ignorant people like me :-)

It's actually an incident from the manga.

It wasn�t a declaration of love, but of potential. I
squeezed her hand in return, and we held hands for the
ride home.

This was a very touching scene. 

^_^ 

Why would that concern him? �Yes.�

The smoke from his cigar, a intoxicating and fragrant
mix of unusual herbs, wrapped around us. My nose
twitched in irritation, but the manners which my
parents had spent so long drilling into me kept me
from dismissing him as rudely as I would have liked. I
was bleeding, ripped opened from having to bid
farewell to my unreachable dream, and not in any mood
to deal with him. "I'll walk you to your station.
There's something I want to talk to you about."

I liked how you contrasted the man's rudeness and the prickly
situation, with the ending. 

He's not so much rude as set on a goal. Iijima is a bit
hypersensitive at the moment.

�Have you ever considered a career in journalism?�

Nice ending to a *very* nice fic. 

Heeee. Thanks!

~ Aishuu

-- 
See http://www.geocities.com/elisteran for my
work and links.
Any and all C&C appreciated.


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=====
If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain

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