*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 41: THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES PT. 1
(A Sailor Moon/Escaflowne/Gundam Wing/Card Captor Sakura/Fushigi
Yuugi/Dragon Ball Z Crossover MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Light Of My Hopes" is the property of Tenshi Cat. She has given me
permission to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :)
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer
printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Band of brothers, marching together... heads held high, in all kinds
of weather...." Crow T. Robot hummed to himself as he walked onto
the bridge and observed Joel Robinson tinkering with something under
a microscope. "Hey Joel, you finished with yours yet? I finished with
mine!" Crow inquired smugly.
"Just one more little tweak.... there!" Joel exclaimed as he placed
a Swiss army knife with a pliers attachment on the counter and wiped
his brow with a soggy sleeve. Crow joined him behind the counter as
he stood up and faced Cambot.
"Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. I was just
finishing up my chindogu. For those that don't know, chindogus are
homemade inventions designed to be handy time savers but in reality
are useless, impractical or just plain goofy...."
"And this is different from your usual inventions, how?" Crow
inquired.
"Well, do you consider yourself a chindogu?" Joel countered.
"Uh, good point. L-Let's move on, shall we?" Crow exclaimed
nervously as he placed his chindogu on the counter.
"Right, a chindogu is basically a tribute to creative failure..." Joel
continued. "I've put the bots to work making one too.... speaking of
which... hey Tom! You done yet?" he shouted off-screen.
"Almost! Just need to perform a few more tests!" the voice of Tom
Servo shouted back.
"Oh, don't worry about that now, just come over and see ours first!"
Joel replied.
A few moments later, Tom hovered onto the bridge, his body smeared
with axle grease. "Okay, let's see what ya got." Tom said.
"Bet it'll be better than yours!" Crow replied smugly.
"You wish, Fembot!" Tom snapped.
"Hey, settle down, guys!" Joel admonished. "I'll go first... my
chindogu is for people who like to look cool in public but find sunglasses
too cumbersome for their personal tastes. They're shades for contact
lenses!"
Joel reached under the microscope and slowly lifted the slide out.
"I've only made one so far to give you an idea of how they'll look." he
said as he gingerly fitted the shaded lens into his left eye, completely
masking the pupil.
"This one's a traditional smoky glass model but I could also make
mirror ones too. It's the ultimate in optical coolness! What'da think,
guys?"
"Wow, that's great, Joel! It'll probably sell like hotcakes if we ever
get back to Earth!" Tom replied excitedly.
"Uh, Tom? It's not supposed to be marketable. It's a chindogu,
remember?" Crow interrupted.
"Don't you see the flaws?" Joel added.
"Uhh, no. Not really." Tom replied apprehensively.
"Well... if I wear sunglasses that rest directly against my pupil, it'll
most likely cause severe irritation with the sunlight, if not permanent eye
damage. Not to mention it'll be pretty hard to see even in bright daylight.
And it kinda defeats the purpose of contact lenses in the first place, don't
you think?" Joel explained.
"Uh-oh... so you're saying a chindogu can't be useful in the least?"
Tom gulped.
"Um, not really...." Joel replied sadly.
"Hoo boy...." Tom heaved a deep sigh. "I guess I messed up then.
Might as well go trash the whole thing now...." he muttered as he
hovered away, dejected.
"Hey Tom, wait! I still want to see....!" Joel tried to follow him only
to be stopped by Crow, who was tugging on his shirt cuff.
"Forget him! Look at my chindogu! I didn't fail to fail!" Crow
exclaimed proudly.
"Tom, wait...." Joel looked back in Tom's direction but saw he was
already gone. "All right, Crow... let's see what you got."
Crow puffed up visibly as he gestured at the counter. "My chindogu
is a solution for those of us who found out at the last minute about
something on TV that MUST BE TAPED *NOW* and the only
videotapes you have on-hand are old unlabeled ones with god-knows-what
on them and the copy protection tab ripped off."
Crow picked up his chindogu from the counter: an ordinary looking
VHS tape and gestured at the copy protection tab. "As you can see, I've
attached tiny little hinges to this tab, enabling you to protect and free
your tape's contents at will. No longer will you have to frantically tear the
house apart looking for something sticky to cover your blunder. Just
close and open... close and open... hmm... closeandopencloseand...oops!"
Crow paused as he snapped one of the fragile hinges on the tab. "Well,
you can clearly see the advantages...."
"Crow, you did that on purpose." Joel frowned.
"What? No, I didn't! It's a chindogu, it's supposed to be shoddy,
right!?" Crow exclaimed defensively. "Anyway, at least I didn't totally
screw up like Servo! Speaking of which, here comes the failure now!"
"Hush, Crow! Tom, where's your chindogu? Let's see it." Joel
exclaimed as Tom hovered back onto the bridge.
"Oh that. I already tossed it out the airlock..." Tom replied.
"Aw, what a waste. It couldn't have been that bad." Joel replied
with a frown. "What was it supposed to be anyway?"
"Oh, nothing special... just a carburetor that gets 300 miles to the
gallon...." Tom replied sadly.
"W-What!? Tom, are you serious!?" Joel exclaimed, his eyes wide.
"I know, it would've cost the oil companies billions of dollars in
business... but when you said NO useful purpose, I knew I'd blown it."
Tom explained.
"Ha ha! I win! You lose! I rule! You snooze! Come on, everybody
sing! Ohhhhh... failure, failure, la la la! Tom's a loser and a clown!
Failure,
failure, Tom's a failure! Failure, failure, la, la...mmph?!?" Crow's taunting
was abruptly silenced by Joel as he clamped his hands over the robot's
mouth.
"Say Tom, do you think you could please show me your plans for this
carburetor? I'd really like to judge your, uh, chindogu for myself." Joel
asked, an unnatural gleam in his eye.
"Sorry, no can do, Joel. I deleted the files in my cyber bubble memory
and burned the paper plans. There comes a time when you need to get
on with your life... to stop dwelling on the past and letting it consume
you...." Tom explained.
"Especially when the past was barely a minute ago." Crow muttered.
"You... burned... the plans?" Joel gasped, suddenly finding it difficult
to breathe. "Cambot! Give me Rocket Number 9! We've gotta find that
carburetor! Crow, prepare the manipulator arms for...!"
"Hey, what's that smell?" Crow interrupted as he suddenly noticed
smoke billowing onto the bridge.
"Oh yeah, that reminds me... I should really check on that fire I started.
I was really kinda sloppy with it, being mad at myself and all...." Tom
remarked right before the ship's fire alarm went off with a vengeance, the
lights in the satellite turning bright red as Joel covered his ears to drown
out the cacophony.
"FIRE!!! FIRRRRRRRRE!!!" The voice of Gypsy wailed as she burst
onto the bridge, clad in a fireman's hat and somehow brandishing a fire
extinguisher. "GANGWAY!!!" She screamed as the fire extinguisher
roared to life, spinning her around in circles for several seconds before
she regained her balance and sped towards the direction of Tom's room.
Joel blinked as he and the bots found themselves covered in foam.
Tom looked from side to side, only now realizing the extent of the chaos
he caused. Then, he began to slowly sink behind the counter to hide....
...only to be quickly yanked back up by a peeved Joel.
"Um, I love you, Daddy?" Tom offered feebly.
"Uh-uh! You've got a serious time out coming, mister!" Joel scolded
before noticing the red light flashing on the counter. "No more free will,
one of these days I'm really gonna mean it...." he muttered to himself
as he blew foam out of his right nostril before giving the button a tap.
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Clayton Forrester cocked his head as he heard the viewscreen
activate. He currently had his back turned to it, his hands clasped behind
him twitching ever so slightly.
"Five years... for five years now... I have tried to break you... five
years worth of bad fanfiction and movies that should've snapped your
mind like chalk on asphalt... and yet somehow though it all... you've
willfully, stubbornly, MADDENINGLY... remained sane." Dr. Forrester
snuck a quick peek at his sleeve before continuing.
"Granted... I couldn't have foreseen you creating Hack and Slash to
strengthen your resolve in the theater... but I've been monitoring your
mind, Joel, and as your skin thickens with each passing year, so does
your spirit weaken. How much more of this can you take? I, for one,
can't WAIT to find out... heh heh heh...."
Dr. Forrester turned to face the viewscreen. "Now, as for the... hell's
going on over there!?" He exclaimed angrily as he abruptly noticed the
shoddy condition of the SOL bridge.
"Hey sirs, sorry about the mess, you caught in the middle of our
weekly, uh, Chinese fire drill...." Joel sheepishly replied before glancing
over at Tom who sunk behind the counter in shame.
"Tsk tsk, Joel, can't your metallic monkeys invent something that
DOESN'T blow up in your face?" Dr. Forrester chided with a mock
frown. "No matter, it gives me more time for MY invention, speaking
of which... roll it out, Frank!"
"I wanna live downnn thereeee....!" TV's Frank sang as he wheeled
in a mobile counter containing what appeared to be three GI Joe-sized
toy vehicles. "TV's Frank reporting for duty! Armaments, deployed
and ready, sir!"
"Yeah, great, Frank. Now go retrieve the jar of enemy while I
explain the concept to Evolution here." Dr. Forrester snapped while
gesturing at the trio on the viewscreen.
"Steve! Yes, Steve!" Frank gave a jaunty salute before scurrying
off. Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes before continuing.
"Consider for a moment, the fly swatter. Sure, it's quick, it's light and
when it hits its target, it sates your blood lust with a short-lived rush. But
is that rush really worth the time wasted as you waited for the little buggers
to land on something? I wanted to make that passage of time more fun,
more entertaining... and MUCH more violent!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed
with an evil grin as he gestured at the mobile counter.
"That's where these little beauties come in. They may look like toys
but they're actually miniature versions of the SAM missile launcher loaded
with special missiles that seek out the body fluids of the common housefly.
Even now I'm hard at work on the first accessory pack which will include
missiles for other species of flies, bees, moths, and even crickets! Can you
say, 'death from above', Jiminy? BWAHAHAH... ah, speak of the devil...."
Dr. Forrester smiled as a fly suddenly landed on the viewscreen.
"Hey, don't land there, shoo!" He waved his hands at the fly, forcing
it to take flight again. Then he pulled a remote control out of his pocket,
slowly extended the antenna and held his finger over its shiny red button,
giggling with mad anticipation.
"Say goodnight, Zipper...." Dr. Forrester whispered as he stabbed the
button. One of the SAMs fired off a tiny missile that circled the room for
a moment before locking onto the tail of the fly. The fly immediately
panicked as it desperately flew around the room trying to lose it's pursuer
while Dr. Forrester rubbed his hands together, eagerly awaiting the
slaughter.
"Sir! Enemy delivered to you as ordered, sir!" Frank exclaimed as he
carried in a large jar filled to the brim with squirming flies.
"FRANK, NOOOOOO!!!" Dr. Forrester screamed as the missile
abruptly aborted it's pursuit of the fly and flew straight towards the jar....
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel and the bots winced as there was a loud explosion, followed by
loud buzzing noises and even louder explosions. The smoke obscured
most of the action but the Mads screams of pain and fury could still be
heard over the din. When the smoke finally cleared, there was still a
sizable fly population in the laboratory, the smoking husk of TV's Frank
moaning on the floor in pain, and a burned and disheveled Dr. Forrester
limping over to the viewscreen.
"Your..." Dr. Forrester paused to spit a fly out of his mouth which
promptly flew away. "Your experiment this week stars pod people and
I don't mean Trumpy. They may claim to be from Sailor Moon,
Escaflowne, Gundam Wing, Card Captor Sakura, Fushigi Yuugi and
Dragon Ball Z, but trust me, they ain't. It's four parts of pointless
pestilence guaranteed to poison your soul. Oh, speaking of which, there
is no God. There is only... well, you'll find out soon enough." he chuckled.
"D-Did you say four parts?" Tom gulped as he finally rose from behind
the counter.
"Trust me, Joel... robots... this time, I've found a HELL of a target."
Dr. Forrester replied with a cold smile before the viewscreen blinked off.
Joel and the bots exchanged uneasy glances. Then he placed a
reassuring arm around each bot. "Don't worry, guys. When we work
together, there's nothing we can't overcome!" he exclaimed with a
confident smile.
"He's right! Let's bolster our courage with a song! Ohhhh, band of
brothers, shoulder to shoulder, none dare defy us, none are any bolder....!"
Crow sang as he strolled into the theater.
"Don't mind him, he's had 'Rocket Robin Hood' on the brain lately...."
Tom informed a confused Joel as they both followed the singing robot.
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
THE LIGHTS OF MY HOPES: FROM HEAVEN TO HELL
Tom: Hey cool! We're getting an ABC movie of the week!
Joel: Oh no, my soap's on! Where's my tape!? CAN SOMEBODY
LEND ME A TAPE?!?
Usagi was carrying a basket of baked cookies towards Mamoru's
apartment.
Tom: Knowing Usagi, that basket is getting lighter and lighter with
every step.
The sky was as clear as fresh water in the morning. The way the sun
shone you would think it was literally bowing to the Tsuki no Hime.
Joel: But actually, the sun preferred Melty Blood. Most folks do.
She was climbing the stairs when she had this feeling that something
was wrong.
Crow: <Usagi> I'm not getting anywhere... and people are coming right
at me! AHHHH!!
As she walked her ponytails trailed swiftly behind her as she walked to
the door.
Tom: To recap: she is engaging in ambulatory behavior.
When she was in front of the apartment's door she started to reach for
the knob when, all of a sudden, Mamoru opened the door while kissing
a red headed woman.
Crow: After years of rejecting Charlie Brown, the little red-haired girl
goes slumming.
Usagi gasped as the basket fell on to the ground. The contents flew out
onto the floor. The pain from her heart traveled through her body to
her arms then out her fingers.
Joel: <Usagi> DIVINE RETRIBUTION! *ZAP!*
Mamouru was in shock then shouted, "Usako!" as she ran down the
stairs. He quickly ran after her while hearing the red headed girl
shouting at him to stay with her.
Crow: <red-haired girl> Hey, $500 for the night or Nabiki will send a
rabid panda after you!
Usagi ran with all her might. Her vision clearly stated that tears
blinded her.
Joel: ... her eyes can talk?
For once she was graceful, taking two steps at a time. She could hear
Mamoru shouting at her to stop running
Joel: <Mamoru as Tommy Lee Jones> Tsukino Usagi, it's time to stop
running!
Tom: <Usagi> But I caught you with another woman!
Joel: <Mamoru as Tommy Lee Jones> I don't care!
then he shouted that he could explain. Like, whatever!
Joel: The narrator must've been an extra in "Bring It On".
Crow: <Mamoru> I'm a victim of coicumstance!
She ran onto the street, not realizing the fact that a truck was heading for
her way. Mamoru stopped at the sidewalk and was about to shout STOP,
but it was too late the truck slammed into her, instantly killing her.
Crow: And that poor bastard driver just plowed over Urameshi Yuusuke
not ten minutes ago...
Joel: <Mamoru> Ah well, least I saved my breath.
~PARK~
Rei, Ami, Minako and Makoto were walking towards the park when
they gasped in pain and disbelief,
Crow: <Rei, gagging> D-Dead skunk... save... yourselves....
'Usagi,' they thought as they felt the warm, pure aura disappear.
Joel: Much like a fish flushed down the toilet.
Crow: <Rei> Well, I guess that settles it. I'm in charge now.
~OUTTER MANSION~
Hakura and Hotaru were listening to Michiru playing the violin when
one note went off key, 'Usagi,' they thought as a tear slid down
Hotaru's face.
Tom: This was right before Michiru broke into a rousing rendition
of "The Devil Came Down to Georgia".
Crow: <Haruka> You go, Johnny!
~TIME GATES~
Setsuna was at the time gates.
Joel: <Setsuna> It's a Chrono Trigger invasion! Run!
Why couldn't she see the future before this happened!? Her
horror-stricken face specifically told people that pain was going
through her.
Tom: Ah yes, she must've had the EXTRA-spicy salsa.
Crow: <Setsuna> You bastard eight-ball! My BLINDS could predict
the future better!
~ME TALKING~
Joel: No, me Tarzan. You Jane.
Tom: Narrative integrity... yet another casualty of union truckers!
Something's for sure. We know that those eight girls just lost their
"Light of Hope."
Crow: Fortunately, they had a backup, the Light of Hype!
~HEAVEN~
Queen Selenity was quite calm about all this since now, after all the
pain her daughter had gone through, could finally rest in peace in
heaven with her mother. Not only that but meet her father as well.
The Queen of the Moon sighed as she sat on her throne while she felt
Usagi's soul enter the heaven gate,
Crow: Thank goodness her soul didn't get sent somewhere worse, like
Ishtar or Hudson Hawk.
Joel: <Queen> I hope Usagi brought exact change for St. Peter. He can
be so fussy.
Tom: <St. Peter> No exact change? Then NO SALVATION FOR
YOU!
"Hotohori, Allen," She commanded as a brown-headed emperor and a
blond haired swordsman appeared in front of one of the queen goddess,
bowing.
Crow: ... whafuh? Guys, is it just me or are those guys in a completely
different art style?
Tom: Folks, let's give Queen Serenity's guest boytoys a hand, shall we?
Selenity drew in a breath and continued, "Please go and lead my
daughter, Usagi-hime, here."
Tom: <Serenity> Offer her candy and goodies. If she refuses, get the
rope and gag.
Crow: <Serenity> Try not to mention trucks. She'll be sensitive to that.
"Hai, Selenity-sama," they chorused.
Joel: ... my God, Serenity's completely deprived those men of their
original personalities!
Tom: <serious announcer voice> Although she vehemently denied it to
the press, the rumors of cult-worship and brain-washing at Serenity's
fortified bunker in heaven proved all too true for the unfortunate young
men that fell under her sway...
Selenity inhaled again as she sat back on her throne,
Joel: <Serenity> Mmmm, this weed is simply heaven....
'It's going to be hell explaining things to her.' She thought.
Tom: <Serenity> 'Ask your father'. Yes, that'll get me off the hook.
~SOMEWHERE~
Crow: Setting... check and double-check!
Usagi, in her princess form, was floating in pure white. Warmth
surrounded her. She kept on floating until she descended on her back
on something soft, 'Too soft.' She thought in confusion.
Crow: So soft that she didn't even notice Snuggles mauling her until it
was too late.
Tom: <Usagi, singing> I can feel the cottony softness... Cottonelle....
She opened her cerulean eyes, after a while looking around at the
endless blue sky she pushed herself in a sitting position.
Crow: Only to have a falling Charlie Sheen ruin her day.
Tom: <Usagi> You jerk! You sucked in "Men at Work" too!
She then closed her eyes, 'So many good auras,' She thought in
suspicion.
Crow: <Usagi> Damned good people. Hate the bastards.
"Hello, fair lady," a hand popped into her vision. She looked up to
stare into beautiful blue eyes.
Joel: <Hamburger Helper> Want to have dinner? I make a great meal!
Usagi smiled slightly, but took the hand and let the man pull her up,
"My name is Allen Sezar (please tell me how it's spelt)
Tom: I thought his last name was Wrench?
and my comrade here is Seishuku but you can call him Hotohori." He
introduced while taking her hand and kissed it.
Crow: <Hotohori> Ahh, my little zaichik! Ve shall break black bread
and vodka and toast our fallen comrades!
Usagi blinked once and turned to the other man and blushed to be in
the presence of two very kawii men.
Tom: Yes folks, the urge to procreate continues all the way into the time
when you don't even have a body!
Hotohori smiled, 'She's kawii when she blushes,' he thought,
Crow: Did I hear that right? She's a cow when she blushes?
Tom: <singing> She is the one called Sailor Moo!
"Please follow us to Selenity-sama," He said to her.
"You mean my mother?" she asked as Allen nodded while motioning
her towards a marbled building.
Crow: <Allen> No, William James Serenity, last of Yorkshire.
Joel: <Usagi> Nice digs... does Mom work at a bank now?
While walking Usagi asked, "Where am I?"
Allen smiled, "This is heaven."
Tom: <Usagi> Whose heaven?
Crow: <Allen> Mamoru's. Here's your lingerie, your whip, and a big
plate of bratwurst... wait here for about thirty years, he'll show sometime.
Usagi stopped in mid step, "I'm dead?"
Hotohori stared at her in bewilderment, "Of course."
Joel: <Usagi> And this is *heaven*? CLEVELAND?!
Tom: <Hotohori> Well, your priorities change when you die...
"But what will my friends do?" She asked as they began to walk again.
Hotohori smiled, 'She just like Miaka,'
Tom: <Hotohori> Right down to her eerily-similar character design.
"They will just have to get over it,"
Crow: And if I see Robin Williams or Cuba Gooding Jr. I'm quitting
outright.
Usagi's eyes widened, but she still walked along the duo, 'I'm going to
miss them...'
"Usagi-hime? We're here,"Allen said.
Joel: <Allen> Here's your television screen, Usagi. Now scare that little
brat Carol Anne silly!
Usagi looked at him with unshed tears and nodded as the duo left her.
'I hope she's okay,' Allen thought sadly.
~INSIDE THE PALACE~
Crow: Slot machines were ringing and Nick Cage was proceeding to lose
Sarah Jessica Parker again.
Usagi entered the hallway and into the throne room.
"Usagi, please sit," Selenity said calmly with a smile as a chair appeared
behind Usagi.
Usagi nodded as she sat down. She was about to open her mouth but
Selenity interrupted her.
Tom: <Serenity>: No, there's no way to get hold of rubber pants at this
time of night.
"Usagi, you do know why you're here?" Usagi nodded.
Joel: <Usagi as Stanley Spadowski> Uhh.... 'cause you're lonely?
Of course she knew, after all the fighting for love and
justice, pain and torture... heaven is the most likely
place she'll be.
Tom: So you can imagine her surprise when she stumbled upon the
death camps.
Selenity sighed as Usagi just stared at her mother in worry for her
mother seemed quite tired, "Usagi, have you ever wondered who your
father was and why he was never there for you?"
Joel: <Usagi> Briefly. Then I remembered my father was a television set
and was often on the fritz.
Now as her mother pointed it out, she never really knew who he was.
He wasn't even there at her birth or anything.
Tom: <Usagi> Unless he was the one that made me cold, smacked me
around, and got me hooked on the bottle...
He was never there to give advice in any battle she had been in or help
her through the pain;
Crow: <Endymion> You know I love ya, baby! I wouldn't leave ya! It
wasn't my fault! Honest! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood!
Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
it was always her mother, Queen Selenity, "Know you mention it, I want
to know who father is,"
The Queen drew in a breath to calm her senses, "It started when I met
your father in the garden, and your father was always hard to resist by
any girl,"
Tom: <Queen> He was immune to pepper spray and his bones healed
quickly.
Usagi blushed at that comment, "You know one thing leads to another.
Oh, you father's name is Richard. He was a blond haired and
blue-eyed man.
All: <singing> He was a... fine upstanding... patriotic... healthy normal,
American boy!
Joel: They're living in Heaven and in sin at the same time!!
(Made Richard up, deal with it)
Crow: <Usagi> You... you... made my dad UP?! MOOOOMM!!
I loved him and still do. Unfortunately I wasn't
the only one to fall for him. He had and still have many wives."
"How?" Usagi thought in shock.
Tom: <Serenity> He's a Mormon, dear.
Joel: Or maybe the alien shapeshifter from that one episode of
Futurama...
Selenity took another breath as she continued, "Usagi, your father is
god,"
Joel: <Serenity> Well, at least he is in his own mind.
Crow: <Usagi> So I was the Savior's sister this whole time and I couldn't
even get one lousy glass of wine?!
"WHAT!!!!" Usagi yelled in shock. Her sudden eruption was echoed
throughout heaven.
Tom: Many lives were threatened by Mount Saint Usagi that day...
~ON EARTH~
It was raining... pretty hard on a Saturday.
Joel: Dogs and cats took to floating down the streets.
Tom: <Rei> Aww crap, and me without my ark!
Ami bit her lower lip as she stood in front of Usagi's grave. In her hands
she held a bouquet a red rose.
Joel: <Ami> These are lovely... but I really wish Mamoru had waited
till AFTER the funeral to court me....
A lonely tear rolled down her cheek as she spoke, "Usagi... it's been a
day," Ami smiled, "Time passes quickly... too quickly,"
Crow: Holy crap, she was buried in a flat hurry!
Tom: <Mamoru> The hole has been pre-dug, here's a list of hymns to
sing for her, I have a shoebox for the ashes and we'll be home by supper!
Ami licked her lips as more tears made their way down her cheek.
Joel: <Ami> Mmm, I never knew grief could be such a turn-on. Maybe I
should go Goth...
(Heaven and earth's time is different.)
Crow: Stinking Heaven, they're always on Daylight Savings!
She was about to say something else until a ball of energy directly hit her
on the heart. The great energy was driving into her wanting something
very valuable.
Tom: Little did Ami know the Cell games were going on directly
overhead.
Ami let out a blood-curling scream of true pain. It continued to
give her immense pain until a blue crystal shaped like a diamond a.k.a.
the Mercury star seed.
Crow: The ball of energy also extracted all traces of verb.
Once the star seed was forced out its carrier's body Ami instantly let the
bouquet drop on Usagi's grave. Her eyes held no life.
Another tear strolled out of her eyes,
Tom: Casually, cheerfully, enjoying a good romp around the lacrimal
gland...
"Usagi," she whispered as she fell onto the damp ground.
Joel: <gravedigger> Hey, Smolken! Cleanup on Aisle 3!
Tom: <Ami> One... last... request. <singing> Ohhhh bur-y me
NOOOOOOT... on the lone prai-rie...
At last with one more tear she faded away as if she was trash.
Joel: If that was how it worked, I'd do a lot less cleaning up around
here.
Crow: And Oscar the Grouch screamed in anguish towards the heavens
before joining Slimy in silent prayer.
But before a hand could snatch the star seed it flew towards heaven
toward something, someone to be exact.
~HEAVEN~
Tom: *thunk*
Joel: <Usagi> OWW! What the hell stabbed me in the ear?!
Selenity was a bit taken back by Usagi's reaction but she still stood there
calmly, "Usagi calm down," She commanded.
Crow: <Usagi> "Richard"? The master of the universe and our Creator
is named "RICHARD"?!
Usagi was panting in shock as her sixth sense kicked in as she felt a
familiar energy fade but another energy faded as well,
Joel: <Queen> OK, which putz turned on the dryer and the microwave
at the same time again?
'Probably people dieing from age,' she thought as she ignored the fading
energies of people.
Crow: Meanwhile, Joe Estevez and Robert Z'Dar were laughing about
their fresh catches.
"Listen I'm not the only wife of Richard, therefore you're not the only
child of God, understood?" Selenity asked.
Joel: <Usagi> But I thought we ALL were children of God!
Tom: <Serenity> Look, I didn't write this thing so just bear with
me, 'kay!?
"So I have sisters and brothers?" Usagi asked, just to be sure.
Selenity nodded, "But only sisters, your father is still waiting for a
boy.
Crow: <Serenity> Richard's only one more failure away from lopping
heads... *brrr*.
You have three older sisters and two younger sisters,"
Usagi only nodded as Selenity went on, "They are Miaka, Hitomi,
Relena, Sakura and Tomoyo."
Crow: ... Relena?
Tom: It's just a random selection of main characters from anime the
author likes, Crow.
Crow: I know, but... *Relena*?!
Selenity explained, "You'll go to Heaven High for further education."
Joel: I hear they're across town from West Beverly.
Usagi's face faulted as she crashed onto the floor, "School?" She
whined.
Selenity nodded, "It would help you meet other people."
Usagi whined again.
Tom: Anyone else getting the impression she's a tire with a slow leak?
~NEXT DAY~
Joel: <Serenity> ...and when you're sixty-five, they'll give you a shiny
gold watch! And all thanks to the education you got in school! NOW
will you go?
Crow: <Usagi> *whinnnnnne*
The next day was different to Usagi; everywhere she went everywhere
was white,
Crow: Oh, I get it. The brotha-man ain't *welcome* in Heaven.
she really needed to get use to this heaven thing.
Joel: <Usagi> <singing> It's too heavenly up herrrrrrre....!
Tom: <Serenity> No Disney songs, please. Even God can't afford the
royalties.
She woke up two hours early thanks to her mother. But Selenity said
that an early start could give her the advantage in meeting people.
Tom: Because of course everyone needs sleep once they exit the frailties
of their human existence....
Usagi rolled her eyes again as she thought of what her mother told her,
'Yeah right, who's going to school at 7 o'clock?'
She was walking towards Heaven High until, as usual, she knocked into
someone, "Sorry, I wasn't watching," she apologized.
Joel: And that's why you're HERE, Usagi.
"No it's ok," The male voice replied. Usagi looked up just to look into
sapphire eyes, "My name is Quartre,"
She smiled, "Usagi,"
His eyes widened as they started to walk towards Heaven High,
Tom: Any wider and he'll look like a refugee from Cyber Team in
Akihabara!
"Your Usagi-hime?"
Usagi nodded, 'He's kawii,'
Joel: Yeah, that Quatre is one svelte heifer.
Then Quartre's face became straight.
Crow: Quatre? Straight? In fanfiction??
Usagi leaned over to look at his face as he began to talk again, "Look
out for your sister, Relena-hime."
Tom: <Quatre> She drives a truck too.
Usagi stared at him as if he was crazy but she nodded. Once they stepped
on school property a voice started her, "Well another whore,"
Joel: Can you say that in Heaven?
Crow: Of course, all hookers have hearts of gold. Don't you watch
movies?
Joel: No, I'm just sitting here for the smell of cheap popcorn.
Usagi's eyes narrowed at that comment and was about to go up to the
honey browned haired girl, but she was held back by Quartre,
"Relena-sama, good morning," He greeted nicely while bowing.
Tom: <Relena> And my quarter, dweeb?
Usagi was in shock. Relena then spoke again in a voice that told
everyone that she was number one, "Rise Quartre," Relena smiled but it
disappeared as Relena turned towards Usagi, "And please teach this
bitch some manners." With that said she turned and walked away.
Joel: <Quatre> Okay then... your dessert fork is on the far left, then your
salad fork...
Crow: <Usagi> Aren't they all dessert forks?
Quartre turned to the now fuming with anger Usagi and said, "She's
Relena," he indicated the girl who acted as if she was the best, "and
unfortunately God and Shinigami chose her to become the mistress of
the cosmos star seed a.k.a. the user of light and darkness."
Tom: <Quatre> And if you call her "God's Pet" you'll be spending your
next fourteen lives as a salamander.
Joel: I guess Relena is advocating a very catty, passive-aggressive form
of absolute pacifism.
They started to walk again, "But why her?"
Quartre sighed, he hated explaining everything to new comers,
Tom: <Quatre> The hell am I, a non-player character?
Joel: <Quatre> She had legs... and she knew how to use them.
and "You see Relena's mother, Lina-sama, is God's favourite Goddess.
Tom: That had better not be the inverse Lina.
Crow: You know it's going to be.
Tom: Wishing it wasn't so... <sighs>
Therefore she convinced God that Relena was the perfect choice to
be the ruler of the universe once the cosmos star seed is found."
Crow: <Quatre> And the heavens opened and the earth moved THAT
day, let me tell ya....
"God doesn't have the star seed?" Usagi asked.
"Correct," replied Quartre as they stopped in the hallway.
"But how will they get the cosmos star seed?" she asked curiously.
Joel: <Quatre> Ebay.
"By killing the sailor senshi," he explained as Usagi dropped her books.
"What?" Usagi asked silently just to make sure.
Quartre took a breath and said slowly in concern; almost everyone
knew what she had gone through and what the senshis were meant
to her,
Joel: <Quatre> The senshi are toast. Have a nice day.
"In order to get the center of the universe, which is the cosmos star
seed, the star and planet powers must merge together. And the only
way Relena can get the star seed is to kill all the senshis and merge
their star seed by her bare hands."
Tom: <Quatre> Naturally, God approves of this plan. Which reminds me,
I have to pick up his smokes and vodka after school.
Joel: <Usagi> Wouldn't it be easier to just hijack the Enterprise?
Crow: Well, at least it's nice to see Relena acting like her typical fanfic
self....
Usagi was in shock and was half panting and half crying as if she was
chocking. She licked her lips and fan out of school
Tom: She's the wind, baby.
only to be knocked down by a ball of energy, and since she was dead,
the energy only knocked her down.
Crow: <Quatre> Goku, can't you practice those AFTER school!?
Usagi sat up and stared at her soon to be nightmare, Relena.
Crow: <Relena, singing> I think you're gonna like me! I think you're
gonna feel like you belong!
Relena shook her index finger in the air, "Bad, bad girl, you know you
should stay at school or you'll get more then that." By now a whole
crowd of angels gathered around to see who is Relena's victim this time.
Joel: Just another kooky day at Degrassi Heaven High.
Tom: <angel> Thou art a ho and She shall smite thy ass but good!
Crow: Wow, it's like watching Hana Yori Dango and Angel
Sanctuary at the *same time*!
Usagi got up, bit her lower lip, and practically staring full hatred at her
sister while boys gathered behind Relens. Quartre went up behind Usagi,
holding her books while whispering in her ear a warning, "She might be
your third oldest sister, but she packs the most punch out of almost
everyone except for God and the other Goddesses,"
Joel: Even Relena's not stupid enough to mess with Belldandy.
Tom: Yeah, Relena was *such* a no-holds-barred asskicker in Gundam
Wing.
he handed the books back to her then took her hand and dragged her
into the school as the bell rang.
Tom: <Quatre> Hurry up, Usagi! If you're tardy here, it REALLY
goes on your permanent record!
~MATH CLASS~
Crow: The latest award winning, hard hitting drama that'll be shuffled
from timeslot to timeslot, frequently preempted and canceled shortly
after its premiere! Thank you, FOX! Thank you so bloody much!
Usagi wasn't paying attention to the angel teacher,
Crow: She was too busy snorting her angel dust.
Tom: <Teacher> Wa wah wa waah... WAAH!!
Joel: <Usagi> I'm awake! I'm awake! The answer is six!
instead she was thinking, 'that huge energy lost was Ami... I'm sorry I
didn't stop them...' a tear dropped to the ground which got seeped into
the fluffy cloud.
Joel: Y'know, I'm just waiting for a Care Bear cameo at this point.
~EARTH~
Minako was walking along the sidewalk around eleven o'clock. Her
shadow trailed behind her.
Crow: <solemn> The weed of crime bears bitter senshi.
She was alone since Usagi's death, now it's Ami. No one
had any hope in defeating this new enemy who wants star seeds. No
one believed in herself or anyone either.
Joel: <Minako> God, I could use a 'Sailor Moon Says' about now....
Ever since Usagi's death everyone were alone. Outters stuck to
themselves as the inners scattered all around Tokyo.
Tom: Prompting the repeated asking of the dreaded question: Are you
an innie or outtie?
If for some reason they bump into each other they would say a friendly,
"Hi," or just ignore each other. All that happened in two days,
Crow: Somehow, I always knew Mamoru would break up the senshi.
Tom: <Mamoru> I'm putting Usagi's outfits up for auction! And I think
I can find some of her unreleased karaoke songs!
'Usagi everything is in chaos. No one was lying when they said that you
were our light of hope,' Minako thought.
Pain was written in her eyes.
Tom: <Minako> Last time I switch the saline solution with my
mouthwash...
She stood there on the sidewalk as people of all ages walked pass her.
She didn't even care to dodge the ball of energy that had her death
written on it. Citizens ran screaming from the disappearing body.
Joel: <Citizens> INS has gone Cosmic! RUNNNNN!!!
Crow: I feel like I'm watching Lain all of a sudden....
Then a mysterious hand grabbed the orange star seed before it could fly
to heaven.
Tom: Thing! Now you put that down RIGHT NOW, Thing!
~NOWHERE~
The blue star seed sprang from the clouds as a ghostly figure formed
around the star seed. The figure was Sailor Mercury.
Joel: <Sailor Mercury> Boooooo.... BOOOOO... uh, so I'm supposed
to do this for all eternity?
Her eyes were closed which gave her an angelic look.
As soon as her feet touched the soft substance her eyes opened.
Joel: <Sailor Mercury> OK, I'm here. Who do I gotta slime?
'Usagi...' she thought as she walked silently towards the pure energy
of her friend.
Tom: <singing> Pureeee en-er-gy!
Crow: No biggie. Once Makoto and Rei collect the seven Dragon Balls,
she'll be back to normal.
~HEAVEN HIGH~
It was now lunchtime. Students were hurrying to their friends. Usagi was
sitting under a tree while she leaned her back against the trunk of a tree.
Joel: Slowly, a serpent slithered toward Usagi...
Tom: <Kaa, singing> Trusssst... in me....
She held her lunch box tightly, 'Minako,' she thought sadly as she felt
someone claim her star seed.
Crow: <Usagi> They may claim the star seeds... but NOBODY'S
touching my egg salad sandwich!
"Usagi!" greeted a girl with brown hair with odangos as well, "Hi my
name is Miaka your oldest sister, and this is,"
"Hitomi," the other girl with light brown hair in a boyish hair cut.
Tom: <Miaka> And on your left, more sisters! Aaliyah, Nell Carter...
Crow: And the million-dollar question: is this perky, cheerful TV
Hitomi, or scary, suicidal movie Hitomi?
Usagi smiled, "So your also my sisters?" she asked, 'They seem nice,'
she thought.
The one named Hitomi nodded as they sat beside her, one on each side.
"So what do you think of Relena?" Miaka asked as she took a sandwich
out of her lunchbox.
Joel: <Miaka> Meatloaf... even in heaven, I can't escape you.
Crow: <Usagi> She seems the best butt to stitch my lips to. Excuse me,
I'll be sycophanting...
"I dislike her," Usagi replied while she took her cookies out.
"I don't blame you. The only reason why she attracts boys is that she was
chosen by father to become the ruler of the universe," Hitomi said, already
liking Usagi.
Tom: <Usagi> So, that whole celibacy thing is complete bullhuckey here?
Joel: <Miaka> Pretty much.
"But I don't understand, why did Shinigami pick her?" Usagi asked in
confusion.
Miaka inhaled then explained, "Father promised Shinigami that he could
marry any of us,"
Crow: <Shinigami> I'm the Lord of Darkness. Sorry about this.
Tom: <Usagi, darkly> He'd better have a helluva shotgun.
Usagi gasped in disbelief, "He used us?!"
Crow: <Miaka> Like a roll-on deodorant.
Joel: <Usagi> Figures, this whole situation stinks!
Hitomi licked her lips and nodded even though she couldn't quite
understand why her own father would even use his daughters that way.
Crow: Maybe he's still bitter about the whole apple thing?
Tom: And thus the first draft of the Even Newer Testament was born!
"Hello your majesties," greeted Quartre with Hotohori and Allen
following behind him.
Usagi took one second to get out of her state of shock to acknowledge
the boys.
Crow: <Usagi> Hey, gorgeous hunks! Just the thing I need to get my
mind off being exploited by my Almighty Father!
"This is..." Quartre started.
"Hotohori and Allen," Usagi helped him.
Quartre blinked, "Um... yeah,"
Tom: Wow, I've been having that reaction for the entire story.
Usagi giggled.
"Well how's everyone?" Allen asked in a gentlemen way.
"We're fine," Miaka replied.
"HEY!" yelled another girl with brown hair who dragged another girl
with black hair. They were around the age of ten.
Joel: <Miaka> Don't mind them, they died in the prehistoric era and
they're still... adjusting.
They stopped in front of the group while panting for air.
Hotohori smiled, "This is Sakura and Tomoyo, your younger sisters."
Each girl nodded at her name.
Joel: <Usagi> Wow, I have a bigger family than the Baldwins!
"Hi," said the one called Tomoyo with a smile, "I hope you'll enjoy it
here,"
"Not if Relena is around," Sakura putted in.
Everyone laughed. Usagi was already enjoying Heaven.
Tom: The friends, the teasing, the cosmic plot to murder all of her
friends....
Crow: At least until fourth period English Composition starts.
~EARTH~
Makoto stood near the pond; she stared blankly at her reflection. She
couldn't cry any more, she's all out.
Tom: I'll say! When she started, she was next to a puddle!
She had just felt the last soul of Minako's body disappear into nothing.
She could feel Minako's star seed in the hands of another, 'Usagi...
Ami... Minako...'
Crow: <Makoto> Man, the week we pawn the Ginzuishou for fifteen
bucks, this all has to happen...
She blinked once, 'I'm sorry everyone for not being there for all of
you,'
Joel: <Makoto> But I was still scheduled for detention through all of
your wakes.
Makoto could feel a immense energy gather behind her. She also know
that with out Usagi she had no hope in defending herself therefore she
didn't even resist as the energy drilled into her body and pushed her soul
out, her star seed.
Crow: <Makoto> Oh well, time to haunt my old boyfriend!
The mysterious hand grabbed the green star seed so it wouldn't
reach heaven.
Joel: Curse that Arby's Oven Mitt!
It might have missed Mercury, but it'll just get that one in heaven.
Crow: One wonders why the hand would even bother then?
Joel: Well, it was on the way to grabbing a Slushie at the 7-11....
Tom: And once all the seeds were collected, the hand would finally
have its revenge on Kyrandia....
"Usagi..." Makoto gasped silently as she slowly floated away
Crow: Only to be blasted by a laser stream before being violently
sucked into an electromagnetic field.
Tom: <Peter Venkman> And another ghost bites the dust!
~HEAVEN~
Usagi was walking down the hallway of Heaven High happily since she
made friends with a lot of people. It was already the end of the school
day.
Joel: Who could possibly *want* heaven to be a high school?
Crow: And does that mean that the teachers are actually in hell?
Then her head snapped up as she felt Makoto's star seed being claimed.
Usagi blinked her tears away as she quickly stormed out of the school.
Tom: <Usagi> I'm taking my recess back, dammit!
Crow: <Usagi> Hooky is a right, not a privilege! SKIP SCHOOL! SKIP
SCHOOL!
"Crybaby," teased a mocking voice of Relena.
Usagi stopped as she shut her eyes tightly trying to keep the tears in.
"You're weak," Relena insulted again.
Tom: <Geese Howard> PATHETIC!
Miaka and Hitomi pushed their way through the crowd; Quartre, Allen
and Hotohori were already at the front watching the fight seriously.
Sakura and Tomoyo were with boys; they were biting their lips.
Joel: Odd time to be sucking face, wouldn't you say?
Tom: <Usagi> What am I, a car accident!? Quit staring and HELP ME
already!!
Usagi eyes snapped open and she turned around as a tear escaped the
barrier she put on, "What do you know!?" she screamed. Her hands
formed into a fist.
Crow: <Usagi> USAGI-HULK SMASH PUNY PRINCESS!!!
The boys behind Relena moved closer to her just in case. Relena smirked
and raise her hand as a crystal ball formed in her hand, "Look she
commanded,"
Joel: <Relena> This ball sees four hours into the future and... hey, wait a
minute! Why is my mother sobbing and wearing... black?!?
Everyone stared at the ball. Usagi looked at it calmly as she saw a
girl in a priestess outfit praying to a fire, 'Rei...' Usagi thought.
Tom: <Rei> Oh wise and powerful Richard! Thank you for bestowing
upon me the leadership of the senshi and... U-Usagi! S-So nice to see
you again...!!
~EARTH~
Rei sat on her knees while her hands formed into a shape telling people
she was praying,
Joel: <Rei> This is the church, this is the steeple....
'Ami, Minako and Makoto were dead and they never even
fought to protect themselves,' she thought. How did she know? If
the girls did fight back she would have felt their energies rise.
Crow: <Rei> They must've come down with 'Creeping Terror' syndrome!
'Ever since Usagi's death all the girls lost their belief and hope,'
Rei though as her hand split apart from the praying shape. She fell
forward as she used her hands to support her weight. She licked her
lips as droplets after droplets of her tears fell onto the wooden floor.
Tom: Water it all you want, that tree ain't gonna grow again.
~BACK TO HEAVEN~
Crow: <Michael Landon> Hey, this isn't the place I remember! Victor,
what happened?
Usagi saw everything, how Rei was praying then she cried, "And that's
not all," said Relena, immediately getting Usagi's attention as a ki ball
formed in Relena's other hand. Relena then smirked and said darkly,
"Come on Usagi, say good-bye," She said as she threw the energy ball. It
zoomed through the air in high speed then headed towards its target in
Tokyo.
Joel: ...only to land in Kyoto instead.
Crow: Ball one!
Tom: <Usagi> Next time, throw on the seams and not quite as much
spin, 'kay?
~BACK TO EARTH~
Rei didn't even move as she felt an evil energy coming closer to her.
Crow: <Rei> Touch me and DIE, Happosai.
She shut her mouth tightly to keep her screams into moans; she refused
to show pain to the enemy. She fell onto the ground weakly. She then
said softly,
Joel: <Rei> I do my own stunts.
"Usagi... I know you can hear me..." Rei smiled then continued, "Even
if we are dead... We still believe in you," Rei drew her last breath and
died.
Tom: <Rei> 'We' being myself, Yuuichirou and Grandpa... oh wait, he
gave up last week.
~SOMEWHERE ELSE ON EARTH~
Crow: Man, the location scouting for this fanfic must've been brutal.
"The inners are dead," stated Hotaru in sadness.
"They didn't even put up a fight," Michiru said which frowning.
"How can they when our light of hope is gone?" Hakura asked.
Tom: <Michiru> Yeah, you're right. More coffee, Haruka?
Crow: <Hotaru> Is it time for the Silence yet? Pretty please? With
sugary death on top?
~HEAVEN~
"NNNOOOOO!!!!" a painful scream can be heard. Usagi sobbed in
short painful gasped not even taking her eyes off the crystal ball.
"That's not all," taunted Relena as a hole appeared in front of her.
Relena then put her hand through.
Tom: <Usagi> Acme Holes?! Where did you get those? I want one!
In the crystal ball Usagi saw through her tears that Relena's hand
appeared in the sacred fire room, the hand grabbed the sparkling red
star seed, claiming it. Relena pulled her hands out of the hole and
revealed the jewel in her hand. It then disappeared in Relena's
sub-dimensional pocket.
Joel: <Relena> And that's not all... oh wait, I'm done.
Tom: Would somebody PLEASE call Scott Guber already?
Sakura, Tomoyo, Miaka and Hitomi had unshed tears in their eyes.
Quartre, Hotohori and Allen frowned.
All: <boys> Beware our GLOWER POWER, Relena!
Usagi snapped, "YOU BITCH!!!" she screamed as she slapped Relena
across the face.
Joel: <pumps his fist> YEAH!
Crow: Go Usagi! Show her what a yellow belt can do!
Everyone gasped. Relena was in shock. She held the side of her face
with her hand. She narrowed her eyes on Usagi, "Why you!" She was
going to blast Usagi when God appeared.
Tom: <Deep Voice> WHO THE HELL IS RICHARD AND WHY IS
HE USING MY BATH TOWELS?!? GET HIM OUT OF HERE,
PETER!
"What's going on!?" he yelled.
Relena put her puppy eyes on,
"Usagi slapped me, father,"
Crow: I thought Relena's dad was a bland politician.
Joel: Well, those guys usually think they're god. Close enough.
God turned to Usagi. Compared to the puppy eyed Relena, the staring
hatred Usagi didn't stand a chance to win this fight.
Tom: So she settled for a disqualification by clobbering Relena with her
championship belt.
God glared at Usagi disappointed, Usagi just glared at God. She didn't
care if he was her father, all she knows is that her sister killed four of
her friends and that her FATHER was never there for her.
Tom: Heaven hath no fury like a senshi scorned.
Crow: <Usagi> Especially on Sundays! It's your day off! What, were
you FISHING or something!?
The other four princess and the three boys was shocked that Usagi
would even think of slapping Relena.
Joel: At this point, I'd be shocked if they were *breathing*...
"Usagi?" God said in a demanding voice.
"Yes, I did slap her," Usagi had no intentions in dropping her bravery
for her friends; Relena smirked.
Tom: <Richard> And why did you do this?
Crow: <Usagi> Let's just say they don't call it a BITCHslap for nothing.
God was obviously mad; he then snapped his fingers and everyone
appeared in some sort of a judging building.
Tom: Yeah, let's see Judge Milian deal out a little rough justice.
Crow: Don't piss her off, Richard, or she'll break out the Spanish.
Joel: We want countersuit! We want countersuit!
Usagi was in the middle with everyone sitting in chairs above her. She
spotted Miaka, Hitomi, Sakura and Tomoyo sitting near each other.
Her mother and the other four goddesses sat near God. Relena and her
mother sat on each side of God.
Joel: Uh, I'd start working on the appeal now, Usagi....
Crow: <Usagi> Crap. Nolo contendre?
"Usagi, this is the Heaven Court," God said.
Tom: <Richard> You are hereby charged with the crime of....
Crow: <Usagi> *swish* Yes! Two points!
Tom: <Richard> AHEM! The crime of....
Crow: <Usagi> *thunk* Woo hoo! Slam dunk!
Tom: <Richard> Would you please be serious!?
Crow: <Usagi> Aww, but I was about to launch a prayer at the buzzer!
Usagi narrowed her eyes as Relena's mother Lina-sama spoke, "For
slapping the future ruler of the universe you'll be punished."
Tom: She'll saddle Usagi with Naga as a sidekick for all eternity!
At that Usagi narrowed her eyes more.
Joel: <Usagi> Call me Squinky.
Tom: The part of Usagi will now be played by Clint Eastwood.
"My daughter," Selenity said sadly, "For such a crime, I'm afraid
you'll have to be under supervision at all times."
Crow: <Usagi> No problem. You can watch me kick her ass.
Usagi bit her touge and though, 'Hardly any privacy,' Usagi's vision
switched her eyes from her mother to the smirking Relena.
"Or," God's voice caught her attention, "you will be expelled from
Heaven High and receive your lessen by mail."
Tom: <Richard> You can get your degree in business management... or
in accounting!
Joel: Now that has to be the weirdest correspondence course I've ever
seen.
'No friends,' thought Usagi.
"Which will you choose?" Lina asked in disgust.
Usagi hesitated but she was determined to win, "None," everyone
gasped, "You heard me I deserve to slap Relena."
Crow: ...with as many frivolous lawsuits as my poor lawyer can stand!
Joel: <Usagi> And I deserve to call my defense counsel! Beetlejuice!
Beetlejuice! BEETLEJUICE!
At that statement Lina and Relena grew angry, and they were about to
say something but God interrupted her, "I am your father, what I say
you do,"
Tom: <Usagi> OK... then I find YOU guilty! After all, judge not lest thee
be judged! Ring any bells, RICHARD?
Usagi scorned, "Excuse me!? You? My father? You've never been there
for me for anything. It was always mother who was always there to give
me strength to believe in myself."
Crow: It's almost TOO clich� to have Usagi say, "I accuse my parents",
right?
Joel: <Usagi> I accuse my Deity!
Everyone in the building was in total shock from this girl. God's anger
grew. Selenity was about to stop her daughter but Usagi continued on,
"Like, where the hell were you when I was close to death for, how
many times now? Oh I lost count on 50!
Tom: <Richard> Standing back, letting you handle it so that you could
grow as a human being and take your rightful place by my side
eventually... oh wait, you got tire treads on your face. My bad.
YOU are not responsible in your daughters. It's always Relena! You
even used you daughters to give Relena the title of soon to be ruler of
the universe. WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU?!?!?!"
Joel: <Richard> A lazy one! Now finish installing that V-chip on your
television and do what your nanny tells you!
Crow: <Richard> Heh, you found me out... I must be trans-parent.
"SHUT UP!!!!!" God yelled, everyone was in total shock from this
girl's whole talk.
Crow: Geez, that makes what? Six times they've been shocked in the
last ten minutes?
Joel: Yeah, somebody call time of death already.
And every single angel knew she was right, yet they were afraid to
talk against God.
Tom: God'll cut ya, man, he'll cut ya!
"YOU HAVE DISPLAYED YOUR IGNORANCE! FOR YOUR
PUNISHMENT YOU'LL GO TO HELL!" God commanded.
Crow: <George Carlin> But he loves you... he loves you....
Selenity gasped in horror as Relena and Lina smirked.
God snapped his fingers. The cloud underneath Usagi gave in and she
fell through the sky. The gostly figure of Sailor Mercury jumped from
the cloud as she screamed,
Joel: <Sailor Mercury> I forgot the bungee corrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddd....!!!
"Usagi!" Sailor Mercury knew that the only way Relena wouldn't get her
soul was to get someone, no Usagi to claim her. So she decided to jump
as Relena ordered, "Get her!"
Crow: <Sailor Mercury> SHABON SPRAY! Good luck finding me
now, suckers!
Usagi could hear the air whip across her ears. She embraced the pain
that was going to come. Oh she felt pain all right. She hit the ground
hard, which caused the dirt to fly up from the impact.
Tom: <Usagi> So much for this LSD trip...
It didn't stop there once she hit the ground she bounced off the ground
a few feet but then hit the ground again, but this time the ground crack,
which caused Usagi to fall down into Hell.
Crow: 'Faces of Death' paid handsomely for the raw footage.
Joel: So THAT'S what that whole San Andreas fault is all about...
The fires of Hell scorched her white dress. She expected to land in
lava, but, because of her luck, she landed into somewhere soft.
Joel: <Sailor Mercury, muffled> Can you get off me now, please?
The pain was immense she hurt everywhere.
Crow: <Usagi> Urrgg... I'd sell Mercury's soul for some Ben-Gay....
Tom: <Relena, distant> That can be arranged!
"Whoa! It's raining chicks!" exclaimed a male voice.
Crow: <Chris Griffin> Welcome to Quahog! Can I touch your boobies?
THAT'S ALL! A CLIFFHANGER I KNOW, SORRY BUT I WAS
IN A HURRY. HEAVEN MIGHT NOT SEEM RIGHT BUT
THAT'S HEAVEN TO ME.
Joel: Boring and cliched? Sounds about right.
ANYWAY R/R!
TENSHI CAT
Tom: <singing> Oh, cat angel, will you be miiiiine....
Crow: So, would Richard be spelled with an *I* or a *J* in early Latin?
Joel: Beats me, Indy. Anyway, time for a breather....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The red light on the console flashed as Joel and the bots strolled onto
the bridge. "Oops, look alive, guys, Harry the Heartless and Swifty are
calling...." Joel warned as he gave the button a tap.
* * *
DEEP 13
The lab was dark, save for the flickering shadows of fresh candlelight
which provided the only real illumination. A rough hewn homemade
altar stood in the center of the room, while off to the side, a black hooded
figure sat before an old-fashion pipe organ. He was slowly playing the
'Haunted Organ Melody', messing up a note here and there, but still
managing to convey an aura of menace about him.
Then the vault door of Deep 13 slowly opened and two small pillars
of fire billowed on both sides of the altar. A figure in a green hooded robe
slowly walked into the lab... then hurried over to the altar where part of it
had caught fire and quickly smothered it with his sleeve before quickly
regaining his composure and stood before the altar.
"Friends and foes of evil... I welcome you... to the First Reorganized
Church of Richard." The green hooded figure proclaimed, revealing
himself to be Dr. Forrester.
"Church of Richard?!?" Joel and the bots repeated, shocked.
"Ye-as..." Dr. Forrester replied in his best Brother Love impression.
"I have seen the light of hope....!"
"DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT OF HOPE?!?" The black hooded man
repeated as his hood fell back, reveiling himself to be Frank.
"I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT OF HOPE! And his name is...." Dr.
Forrester paused dramatically.
"RICHARD!!!" Dr. Forrester and Frank exclaimed triumphantly.
"And here I thought you only believed in your OWN power, Dr. F...."
Tom interrupted.
"Hey, any deity that endorses suffering, greed and polygamy is aces
in MY bible!" Dr. Forrester smirked while waggling his eyebrows.
"Yeah, praise the lord and pass the Viagra." Crow wisecracked.
"Bah! Your mockery of our new god will do you no good, robot
sinner!" Frank exclaimed as he rose to his feet and strutted over to the
vault door. "While you guys were busy with the experiment, I was out
personally prosely... proselyti... recruiting the first convert of our
congregation!"
"Already? Hey, good job, Frank!" Dr. Forrester nodded in
admiration..
"Thanks, Steve. Anyway, I found him begging for handouts at Arbys
and we had a little chat. One ex-employee discounted Arby-Q later, he
was all ours!" Frank said proudly.
"What about the purity and forthrightness of our message?" Dr.
Forrester inquired
"It came in second to a medium order of Curly Fries. So without
further ado... may I present the first sheep of our new flock....!" Frank
exclaimed.
Piano and clarinet music suddenly filled the air as Torgo, now dressed
in the white outfit of a choir boy, stumbled into the lab. Dr. Forrester
cradled his head in his hands while Joel and the bots struggled to contain
their laughter.
"GrEEtInGs... I aM ToRGo... I tAKe cARe oF...." Torgo began.
"FRANK!!!" Dr. Forrester suddenly sprinted over to his assistant and
began throttling him. "WHY... MUST... IT... ALWAYS... BE... HIM!?!"
"I d-dunno... f-fate?" Frank stammered in reply.
"RiCHaRD bE pRAiSed...." Torgo added, the hint of a smile on his
lips.
"Frank, the Church of Richard has no room for a freak like Torgo!
Besides, I'm NOT listening to that DAMN theme song all day!" Dr.
Forrester threatened.
"Aw, come on, Dr. F! His theme music only comes up whenever he
moves! We'll make him a fixture of the place! Literally!" Frank
explained.
Dr. Forrester looked over at the hopeful Torgo before sighing. "Well,
he DOES sort of give the place a creepy feel...." he admitted. "All right,
we'll give him a shot...."
"Great! I'll get the cement!" Frank exclaimed happily as he rushed
off-screen while Dr. Forrester walked over next to Torgo and addressed
the viewscreen again.
"He may not be much to look at... or smell for that matter..." Dr.
Forrester recoiled for a moment before continuing. "But he is still
symbolic of all the Church of Richard will achieve!"
"I'd LiKe tO tHaNk yOU fOr tHiS oPPoRtUni...." Torgo interrupted.
"First rule, Torgo, don't talk when I'm talking! In fact, no talking from
you PERIOD, got it?" Dr. Forrester snapped.
"YoU mEaN LiKe a mOnK? dOn'T I nEeD tO tAkE a vOw oF
siLEnCe FiRSt?" Torgo innocently asked..
"Frank... what's holding up that cement?" Dr. Forrester replied
ominously as Torgo wisely went mute. Satisfied for the moment, the
mad scientist returned his attention to the trio on the viewscreen.
"As for you, naysayers, you've still got three more parts to go... and
the lord Richard sa-id... those who would cast doubt upon him, let there
be DEEP HURTING...." Dr. Forrester proclaimed with an icy smile as
the viewscreen blinked off.
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES' PT. 2....
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and
skits. ;)
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