----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris McFadden" <nightwindssong@adelphia.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>; <SnakeWhoLived@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Sunday, June 27, 2004 4:50 AM
Subject: [FFML] Hikari no Daija (The Serpent of Light)
Hello, all. Andrew Norris, myself and the crew of #Akane are working on a
new story that will turn Hogwart's upside down as new students are
arriving
during Harry Potter's second year. The Prologue, "Revelation in Nerima" is
now posted on my site, HYPERLINK
"http://nightwindssong.anifics.com/"http://nightwindssong.anifics.com, as
well as a picture of one of the new students in their Hogwart's robes on
the
fan art page.
Be warned: Hogwart's is never going to be the same as chaos fills the
school's halls, alliances are formed and sanity is rent asunder.
Miriani
I've just read the first part of your new story "Hikari no Daija" and
like what I seen so far, but there are a few things/holes that I see in it.
1) The prologue starts too far into the story. It actually seems to be at
least the first chapter of your story, if not the second. There are too may
thing left unanswered.
Your story just starts with Ranma age 10, no _real_ explanation of how or
when. Yes I know the mushrooms; but did Ranma eat them, or was a potion made
from them or was it just touching or breathing in the spores from them that
changed him? What you also DON'T explain anywhere is how did Ryouga get the
mushrooms? How did he know what they did? How did he trick Ranma into
taking them and where did Akane and Ranma get the mushrooms they were
growing if they were so hard to find? Lastly, how did Ranma know that the
mushrooms would also cure him and who told him that?
Other things not covered is how long has Ranma been age 10? It had to be
awhile, there was enough time for Ranma and Akane to (almost) grow their own
mushrooms to cure him. How did the rest of Nerima react to Ranma as a kid,
plus how did GENMA react to it??
And the _B_I_G_ unanswered question: How did _Ranma_ react to being turn
in to a kid again? It must have been like being cursed a second time. Not
just cursed, but cursed and locked into his new form as a 10 year old. Ranma
hated his first curse and hated it even more whenever he got locked into it,
why is he not more upset about this second one? How he feel when he changed?
How did he react to it?
Much more of the background to this story should be covered better. (IMO
only)
2) There are several other plot holes or inconsistencies in the prologue.
First, if Akane is acting so cold and uncaring to Ranma, why is she
growing a backup crop of mushrooms? Wouldn't she be relieved not to have to
marry the baka pervert? She seems to not give a damn about Ryouga
destroying them at all, she seems only mad at him for being P-chan and no
other reason.
This story is obviously a Ranma/Nabiki match up, it would make more sense
that Nabiki was growing the second crop of mushrooms. You could have a
mental dialog of Nabiki thinking to herself about the mushrooms being too
important to family honor to fully entrust to Ranma, with his luck there
were insured to be destroyed. She is growing them (maybe in secret) to
ransom to Ranma when his are destroyed for a pretty yen, but has an epiphany
when Ryouga actually destroys them; that she actually cares/loves Ranma and
was really growing them for that reason, not for money.
Plus if she did grow them in secret, (and Ryouga did not destroy them)
Nabiki could have followed Ranma to Nodoka's house for a second reason, to
offer her mushrooms to him free of charge as a cure. However, before she can
tell him, the whole Magi/Wizard thing comes to light, with Ranma being
screwed out of his heritage and now having a second chance to fulfill it and
to have the childhood he missed being on the road with Genma.
Then you could have a great internal debate/dilemma for Nabiki; does she
give Ranma the mushrooms and let things go back to the status quo (i.e.
Ranma engaged to Akane, the other fianc�es, her NOT being engaged to Ranma)
or does she use them herself and join him at Hogwarts? This would also give
her the chance to fulfill her OWN destiny that Soun screwed her out of and
relive a childhood that was not too happy for her either. She might even
talk it over with Ranma and they could decide together to stay/become 11
year-olds and go to Hogwarts and escape from Nerima.
Another (minor) inconsistency is the Shampoo/muggle disillusionment of
Ranma's Amazon marriage to her. It seems more likely to me that Cologne
would be after Ranma even more if she knew he had wizard's blood in him.
Maybe not for Shampoo, but for some other Witch in the tribe, or to
marry/mate him to as many Amazons as possible thus increase the number of
Magi in the tribe.
Moreover, totally Muggle Families have be known to birth powerful
wizards/witches, look at Harry's mother or Hermione, and the Harry Potter
books also make it clear that many wizard/witches routinely marry muggles
and there kids still can become full-fledged magic-users. After all this is
a key to the disagreement that Slytherin had with the other three founders
of Hogwarts, that Magi and muggles should not inter-marry and that only
"purebloods" should be taught at Hogwarts.
A much better explanation and way to end the engagement would be the
honor and reverence the Amazons give Magi, that they were immune to most
Amazon laws or customs. This does not mean that Ranma can't marry a muggle
Amazon like Shampoo, just that he can't be forced to. If _HE_ wanted to
marry Shampoo, he could but the decision/choice would be Ranma's, not
Shampoo, Cologne , or Amazon law. Cologne could even give a half-hearted
pitch to Ranma to convince him to marry Shampoo anyways, maybe offering him
some new technique, treasure or something. This would also let Shampoo
totally of the hook about failing to bring back Ranma as her husband, as a
Magi he was immune to the kiss of death/marriage to begin with.
Over all the story is well written with no glaring grammatical errors or
spelling mistakes, and gives a better reason for Ranma going to Hogwarts
than most Ranma/Potter x-overs I've read, plus I like the idea of Ranma as
Slytherin's heir and leading them back from the dark path. I can just
imagine how Draco Malfoy will react to Ranma. I just hope the whole story
is up to the same standards as the rest of your fanfiction.
These comments were made as helpful suggestions only, you are free to use
them, ignore them or wrap dead fish with them.
Nuki Mouse
Nuki_mouse@hotmail.com
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