DB Sommer (your one-stop shop for all your Azumanga fanfiction needs) wrote:

Come on, you know someone had to do it.

And it had to be you, didn't it?

[Forward: Come on, you know someone had to mix the two. This is a parody,

so

don't think for one second I'm taking a serious look at a merging of the
two. As in the tradition of much Japanese cinema, there will be huge

amounts

of blood and gratuitous violence.]

What do you mean by a *serious* look at merging the two?  You're using
Azumanga, so by definition it's not going to be serious.  Anyway, I think
the audience can take it in the spirit in which it is intended.

Just as long as, by killing everyone off in this fic, you don't intend to
retire from writing more Azumanga.  THAT, I would consider a serious mixing
of the two.

"Have you been there before?" Sakaki asked.

I should mention at this point that I have never seen or read any of the
Battle Royales (be it novel, anime or live action), so I'm not familiar
enough with it to comment, but I assume that *no*one* could answer Sakaki in
the affirmative, barring military personnel and and the occasional
journalist.

I should probably also mention that, this being the non-serious fic you
claim it to be, I'm gonna sound like I'm overanalyzing it.  Just bear with
it, and I'll try to be as painless as possible.

Of course, if you're *into* pain...

Yukari jerked, as though shot. She turned around, and in a muffled voice
said, "What gas mask? I'm not wearing a gas mask. Quit being paranoid."

"What's that on your face?"

Yukari felt her face with her hands. "Umm, it's an... inhaler. I'm having
problems breathing. Asthma, don't you know."

Oh, yeah, *that'll* work...

"Why is the bus driver wearing one, too?"

"He caught a case of asthma from me."

"Asthma isn't contagious," Chiyo pointed out.

...NOT.

"Wake up, everybody!"

The clamor of a hammer hitting an empty metal pot rang through the air.

Well, at least it isn't the *shnng* of a very large kitchen knife being
brandished, effective though it might be for Yukari.

Tomo said, "Wow, Yukari-sensei, you sure can cut one."

"That was sleep gas, you little ingrate!" Yukari snapped.

What's Tomo being ungrateful for?  I'll accept that Yukari's using something
other than the word she intended (whatever that might be, and who knows, you
may not be able to use it in a public forum like this ^_^;; ), but I want it
clear that this was Yukari's error and not yours, DB.

She continued on in a boastful voice. "I had to really pitch a hard case to
get you guys included this year. The powers that be didn't think you were
appropriate. But after countless hours of closed room discussions, I
convinced them you were the right class to be represented this year."

Wow, she put a lot of effort into this.  That's kinda... not like
Yukari-sensei at all.

Kagura leveled an accusatory finger at her "So this is why you included

that

question 'What weapon would you use to kill a fellow student?' on our
history quiz last week, isn't it?"

"It was the only question I got right," Osaka said sadly.

Yukari froze on the spot.

Heh.  Although why would Osaka's answer be any righter than anyone else's?
Especially given Osaka's eccentricities.  Or did Yukari just mark that
question right regardless?  And why the doubletake?

Right... breathe in, breathe out, relax...

Stretched out prone on the gurney was Kimura. His blood spattered glasses
were still affixed to the bridge of his nose and his mouth was wide open,

as

though the jaw had become permanently unhinged.

In other words, he looked much like he always does, but covered in blood.  I
can live with that image.

Dramatically, Yukari waved her hand above him. "See what happens to those
that would try to stand in the way of progress?"

Kimura suddenly sat up, shouting, "No, you can never have Kaorin-chan!"

You know, it stands to reason that Kimura would be like Frankenstein's
monster, both with that mock-Promethean introduction by Yukari-sensei, and
the fact that he just won't die.  Nice touch.

Kaorin was across the room in an instant, grabbing a knife from a soldier's
belt before he could react. She brought the blade up above Kimura and
screeched out, "DIIIIIIIEEEE!" and began stabbing the blade into him
repeatedly. Her hand was like a blur as it descended again and again,

...although the Bride of Frankenstein never reacted *this* badly.
Incidentally, when'd Kaorin pick up the Chestnut Fist?

"What's up with these things around out necks?" Tomo asked, fingering the
collar.

"Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Those are explosive collars, which I feel are a
must for any class, and not just the ones that participate in Battle
Royale."

I love that line.  Perfect Yukari; she'd be the one person to both believe
that wholeheartedly AND tell her class that straight out.

"You asked for it! Goodbye, you annoying brat." Yukari pointed the control
at Tomo, and hit a button on the pad.

The collar of one of the male students on the opposite side of the room
began to emit a slow beeping.

She *would* hit the wrong button.

Although why none of the hapless students thinks to rush the front of the
class, I really don't know.

Another girl's collar beeped. She threw herself out a window rather than
suffer the same indignity the others had.

[Nameless Female Student #17: Dead]

Well, I'll give her points for style, anyway.  Although given the
circumstances, those points count for about as much as the ones in Whose
Line is it Anime, ne?

A soldier spoke up. "That isn't one of the rules."

Yukari explained, "It is now. I might want to go out for a walk later, and

I

don't want to trip over a bunch of corpses."

Very cute, very callous, very Yukari.

Tomo whispered. "Why don't we sucker them by pretending to buddy up with
them? Then, when their backs are turned, we'll whack them. We'll start with
Chiyo first. She'll be easy to kill."

"Pretend to buddy up and then stab them in the back. Sounds good to me, my
best buddy in the whole world."

Perfect twist of Tomo's suggestion so that it (presumably) boomerangs back
on her.  Though I half expected to hear "old Building and Loan buddy and
pal..."  Gotta lay off those old American Film Institute retrospectives.

"I kind of like the idea of us being alone and trying to kill one another."

"Tomo!" Yukari called out.

"Thatsmegottarun!" Tomo said as she raced to the waiting pack and ran out

of

the room at top speed.

Actually, I'm amazed Tomo figures out so quickly that Yomi's *really*
wanting to kill her.

She had been
envisioning it for a number of years, coincidentally in conjunction with
killing a classmate. One in particular.

Now, some of the others commenting on this sequence find find Yomi scary
because of her creepy desire to introduce Tomo to 'Mr Spiky Bat.'  While
it's a nice touch, what chills me (but admittedly, doesn't surprise me) is
that Yomi's been wanting to do this for a long time, and had long since
planned *how* she was gonna do it.

The boys stared at each other in wonderment. The one with the knife said to
Tomo, "Some strange reason? Hell, if I was her, I'd have tried to kill you
long before now."

And I see I'm not the only one not truly surprised by Yomi's reaction.

The pair looked at each other again, this time with leering gazes rather
than wonder.

The one with the stun-gun asked, "Will you have sex with us?"

"Please, do I look that desperate to you?" Tomo scoffed.

I'd say that goes ditto for the guys, but they *are* highschool guys.  Given
the chance, they'd screw anything that moves.  And some things that don't.
They'd lose points in my book for their lack of taste, but if there's a
chance they'll get laid, they won't care.

She saw it was one of the guys in class. She didn't know his
name. It was hard to remember the names of anyone other than her friends.

No kidding.  Even Yukari's forgotten them, by the looks of the casualty
reports.

Next to him was a girl whom Chiyo identified as his girlfriend. At least

she

assumed the girl was. They had exchanged spit frequently enough.

Someone made a very funny crack about trading vials of the stuff, but I'm
kinda surprised that Chiyo would be paying attention to that sort of thing
in any case.

It was a lucky thing for her her father had insisted she learn
how to shoot a gun for self-defense. Chiyo had always thought he was being
paranoid, but obeyed.

CHIYO-NO-CHICHI:  I want you to be prepared for when you go to America.

"You cared about them more than you realized?" he asked.

"No! With all of them dead, I'm going to have to learn a whole new seating
plan!" Yukari buried her head in her hands and sobbed into the desk once
again.

This is why it's called a casualty list: 'cause Yukari takes it all so
casually.

Sakaki was left to defend herself with the very item she had
mentioned on the test.

Perhaps a stuffed cat wasn't the best thing to kill a fellow student after
all.

Wow, I guess you *can* get that answer wrong.

All the anger and pain in the world disappeared for Kaorin. Sakaki was not
only acknowledging her existence, but was actually concerned about her. In
five seconds she had more of Sakaki's attention than in their entire year
together in the same class. Now she could die happy, her life complete.

Which, of course, she will do shortly, right?  Can't have Kaorin *win* or
anything.

Bloody sickle in hand, Sakaki stared down at Kaorin, her eyes emotionless
lumps of coal. "You said you'd kill everyone, and that would include
Chiyo-chan. I won't let anyone harm her, not even you."

Un...grate...ful, bitch..." Kaorin rasped out,

That's about what it would take to shake Kaorin's mad crush on Sakaki, ne?

making an obscene gesture in
Sakaki's direction before expiring.

Which sums up her feelings for Sakaki in any case, I imagine; something
she'd've liked todo with her and all that.  Funny how the most pleasurable
activity humanity has is considered a mortal insult when offered in certain
contexts.

But I digress...

[Female student # 35 Kaori Aida: Dead]

Hey, no wonder she's such a loser!  She's related to Kensuke, ain't she?

And when it was down to the two of them, Sakaki would kill herself, thus
ensuring  Chiyo got out alive. Of all the people in the class, she was the
one that deserved to live the most.

Amazingly noble, even for Sakaki.  But of all the people on the island to
come to such a conclusion, it would be her.

Of course, her *reason* for wanting Chiyo to live would be different from
most people....

Although ideally Sakaki hoped she'd run into Tomo first.
She'd feel the least amount of guilt at killing her.

I'd say 'poor Tomo,' but a) someone already did, and b) she has every bit of
it coming, frankly.

and the girl put the grenade on a pocket.

*on* a pocket?

"Because when I first came to the class, he made fun of me because of my
height. Everyone did. Well, I might be small, but I have a big gun, and in
the end, isn't that what really matters? Chiyo pulled the trigger again.

Someone else has pointed out the missing quote mark, but I'd just like to
mention that Chiyo's whole height-big gun thing going on here would send
Freud into conniptions.

"Wow! This is actually kind of fun!" Payback was a bitch, and so was she.
Being naughty felt pretty darn good.

I think Chiyo's gone a little bit beyond naughty at this point.
Incidentally, seeing as she has joined the naughty side, why not go in for a
ha'penny as a pound, and say it felt pretty *damn* good?

Chiyo was fantasizing about shooting Sakaki in the kneecaps, so she could
finally look at the taller girl eye-to-eye, or as close to eye-to-eye as
possible,

Boy, she *has* gone over to the naughty side.  Wonder how she'd feel if she
knew about Sakaki-san's plans.

Chiyo popped open the cylinder and looked at the chambers.

Two of them were empty.

Looks like Chiyo's just gotten run over by karma.

"I hope you guys appreciate how much money I saved you by not loading any

of

the guns with all the bullets they could hold," Yukari told the squad that
had gathered around her.

Never mind.  That's really cruel, but as always, it's just what you'd expect
from her.

"Now, who wants to place bets on who's going to win
this thing? Sakaki currently has the best odds, with even money, followed

by

Kagura at four to three. Tomo's the longshot at twenty-five to one, simply
because everyone in class wants to kill her."

"Um, isn't betting on which of yours students is going to die next kind of
sick?" one of the soldiers asked.

Says a fellow monitoring an event in which all the students are required to
kill each other until there's only one left alive.  Besides, she's betting
on the *survivor*.

Yukari looked upon the soldier in contempt. "You sir, have obviously never
been a high-school teacher. Trust me, after five years of it, you'll come

to

the realization that all teenagers need to die. Now place your bets!"

I can understand that, but based on that reasoning, there should be no
adults, because you have to pass through adolescence to get to adulthood.

On the other hand, Yukari's pretty much stuck in adolescence herself, isn't
she?

"Of course I am. Goodbye, Chiyo-chan." Osaka brought her hands forward, and
held the  weapon Yukari had given her high. Using all of her might, she
brought it down hard right on top of Chiyo's skull.

[Female Student #1: Chiyo Mihama: Sore head]

Say, if the main computer registers such minor stuff like that, how come
nothing registered when she busted her tailbone on the first two recoils?

Osaka reexamined the item that had been in her backpack. "Darn. I guess
a paper fan isn't a good weapon to kill a student with, like I thought it
would."

So you got that question wrong, too, huh, Osaka-chan?

Seriously, though (oh yeah, *right*), why doesn't she just try to detach
Chiyo's pigtails?

"Typical army, can't keep track of anything, can you? I'm surprised you
haven't lost a fleet of ships."

"That would be the navy, not the army, and I'm surprised they haven't lost
one yet either," the colonel said in both pride for his own branch of the
military and contempt for the other.

Nice touch, having this authority figure having something in common with
Yukari-sensei.  Which is kind of scary when you think of it, too.

"There's one thing you're forgetting: setting off a device like that is
suicidal. Now who would be stupid enough to do that?"

Famous last words if I ever heard 'em...

"It's nice to have you back, Yomi," Tomo said sincerely, she set the bomb

on

the ground.

You know, I half-expected her to heave it over the cliff at that point -
which would detonate it just as effectively, but you'd miss the whole
exchange about why Tomo would press the button, when she's out of danger.

Oh, hey... one thought:  in the canon, Tomo *did* press a button in a dream
that would kill Chiyo-chan, but admitted to Chiyo that if the button were to
kill herself, she *wouldn't* push it.

Now this was the 'Politically Correct' version of the story, which

producers

thought needed to happen, since it did so well with test audiences.

However,

there is an unofficial 'Director's Cut', which does exist.

Okay, so... let me get this straight.  The more politically correct,
palatable version has *everyone* killed?  And with nuclear radiation, no
less!  What's politically correct about *that*?

Osaka walked up to the camera, blood staining her uniform in a variety of
places. There was blood on her face as well, one patch in particular
resembling a handprint.

Wonder how *that* happened.

Come to think of it, we're missing a *lot* of activity here.  Other than
Kaorin, we don't get to see *any* of the main cast's demise - how did they
fail?

By the way, between the "I am the murderer" horror stories, the dreams of
killing Chiyo-chan, and the kitchen knife wake-up call, was this really a
surprise to see Osaka as the ultimate winner here?

This year was much harder than last year, though."

"You really liked the people?"

"Actually, it was because I had to kill them with this."

That doesn't seem like Osaka... but then, imagining her as a cold-blooded
killer is a stretch, too.

"You mean I don't have to use the weapon I was given?"

"Of course not. You can use any weapon you get your hands on."

Osaka stared at her fan in betrayal. "Darn."

Okay, *that's* our Osaka.

Anyway, it's a very funny bit (considering the *other* source material - now
you've got me wondering where I can find it, darn you!), although there's so
much action you didn't go into, for whatever reason - Kagura v Sakaki in
particular comes to mind; the poor athlete can't ever seem to get as much
screen time as the other five.  Thanks as always for keeping the tap open!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^


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