"JM Reverie" <jmreverie01@hotmail.com> writes:
Coveting a Daughter of Laverna
By Jane Reverie's Mischievous Twin
Hmm... is the title Coveting a Daughter of Laverna , or Daughter of
Laverna?
Chortles of strong, boudy laughter resounded along the open field, turning
do you mean "bawdy" ?
I'm also not sure that resounded is the best verb, for an open field.
many students heads. Ryoga wiped the tears from his eyes, and fell silent
students'
under Ranma-chan's unwavering glare of disapproval.
"So, tell me Ranma... If that's who you really are... Just *what* was an
if
just
you hadn't yet closed off a sentence
*Italian* peasant girl doing wandering around in China?"
peasant girl? How very... classist of Ryoga. I'd suggest "Italian girl".
"I don't know, Ryoga! How did *you* ever find yourself in *America*!"
The latter accused bit his lip and shrugged. "Point taken." Ranma smiled,
satisfied for the moment, watching as Ryoga's expression turned to
bewilderment. "Hey, I haven't seen you in years! How did you know I wound
up in New York the last time I tried to visit aunt Sakuya?"
Aunt
Are you trying to suggest that Ryoga and Ranma are related in this
spamfic? If not, I'd suggest 'my Aunt Sakuya'. The America thing also
seems a bit out of place.
Ranma shook her head. "Ryoga, you're wandering again... The point is, it
really did happen. And, I'm going to undo it somehow. Until then..." She
let out a deep breath, heaving her ample bosom.
ANNOUNCER: And the new world record in shotput goes to Ranma Saotome!
"Hey, Ranma, at least you *scored*! Man, if she was half as hot as you are,
you were one very lucky guy!"
Ranma grinned, ruefully. "I was a lucky guy. Yeah... I told that babe I
wanted her body more than anything else in this world and... She sure did
s
*give* it to me, didn't she?"
Cute. I think in some ways it'd be better if you gave a little more
structure to the piece. Right now they're in a field, with students
nearby... that doesn't seem quite generic enough to pass without
comment. I'd suggest setting the scene a bit more, or just genericize
everything (e.g., they're in a yard before a house).
It'd also help if you indicated somewhere to what extent this is an
AU. Presumably this body-swap takes the place of the jusenkyo curse,
but the relation between Ryoga and Ranma isn't clear, nor what Ranma
is doing (was he in China with his father?); is this Ranma older? (He
certainly strikes me that way; he's rueful rather than angry, for
example, at the end).