"Christian Clark" <twh@operamail.com> writes:
Overkill
A Sailor Moon/??? Spam fic(?)
Aside: the quotes were \223 and \224 rather than ascii quotes; also,
sending messages as attachments ends up placing the file beneath your
sig, which can interfere with easy reading.
In ages past, the Moon Kingdom was known for many advances in science.
One such advance, though revolutionary, was most dangerous in
unskilled or unscrupulous hands. Henceforth, this dangerous gift was
entrusted to only the most trust worthy of individuals. Yet, even
trustworthy
with this power, the Moon Kingdom was toppled and the secrets lost,
until the same dark forces rose again.
What dark forces?
Its trustee, knowing that such
measure would have to be taken in order to halt Beryl's advance, would
measures, or such a measure
have to bestow this wondrous power on the least likely of
individuals.
The introduction is a bit rough, mostly because I think it tries to be
a little too coy regarding the hook.
In ages past, the Moon Kingdom was a shining beacon of light in the
galaxy. Her ambassadors were powerful, her achievements mighty, her
wisdom in the sciences without peer. But to preserve this light
amidst space's darkness, the Moon Kingdom was forced to develop
revolutionary technology to protect itself, the knowledge and tools
too dangerous to be placed in the hands of any but the most trusted
and competent. But, in the end, the Moon Kingdom's light was
snuffed out by dark forces jealous of her power, at no little cost;
the Kingdom's knowledge was thought lost to all time, until the
darkness once again began to stir, this time around the luminous
globe of modern-day Earth.
Ah, well, I probably got carried away there. Feel free to steal any of
that if you want, though.
***
Beryl looked on warily at the youma's progress in draining the people
of the jewelry store. Her anxiety was not for any of that planet's
local authorities to try and intervene but of forces she did not
recall fondly at all.
Is it anxiety for or anxiety of ?
The 'looking on warily at the youma...' seems awkward. Sugg 'watched
warily as the youma drained ...'
She had put double search parties in the vicinity to ensure that there
sugg "had put two search parties" or "doubled search parties"
was nothing that could hinder their progress, but she still was
uncomfortable. Her many underling's attempts to calm her fears only
underlings'
increased her agitation and she had ordered them out lest she execute
them herself.
, and
Staring intently into her looking sphere, she watched every possible
entrance for a what could have been a 'champion of justice' or other
for what
such trite clich�. Stereotype or not, Beryl did not want to take
chances.
Sadly, her fears about the interference would prove true.
*
"Usagi! Quick! We've not a moment to waste!" Luna cried, hopping
down from the wall above her 'owner'.
the wall? Was she on a shelf? Or was Luna bitten by a radioactive
spider?
Luna nodded. "However, the people of this world are not equipped to
deal with the kind of dangers accosting your friend. Which is why
it's up to do you stop them."
to you
Usagi gave her an incredulous look, "You serious? I'm having a hard
enough time being me. How am I supposed to be some kind of fighter?"
"With this!" Luna announced before leaping into the air, doing a back
flip, leaving a stream of light and in the light's place a beautiful
sugg
, in the light's place,
crystal that looked like a perfectly cut, though oddly shaped,
emerald.
Here's another problem with being coy. Anybody who's seeing it won't
see it as "odd shaped", they'll see it as "a donut" (or whatever it
looks like).
Their advanced stopped when several of the creatures in the back feel
at the edge of a beautiful, double edge, silver sword. Naru blinked
advance
felt the edge
as a glowing green wire wrapped around the handle and saw it yanked
, and she saw or
and was yanked
back to its owner. There upon the rafters of the second was her
rescuer.
Clad in a sparkling full-plate of white, red, and blue armor, a person
stood with poise and confidence as it brandished its blade at the
creature that lead the monsters.
While that works, the tendency in modern english is to give a person a
gender, no matter what. maybe replacing 'person' with 'figure' would
work better?
The monster only snarled and with a swing, sent a sphere of energy
towards the newcomer. With agility that belied the weight of her
armor, the visitor leaped from the primary rafter to another board on
the other side of the building.
would beam work better than 'board'?
"Ha! You miss... wah!" Blade screamed as she underestimated the
I'm not sure that shortening Tekkamoon Blade to Blade really works.
(Hmm... after talking about it, it seems to work, but I'm leaving this
in to let you know a potential trouble spot)
Realizing she what she was doing, Blade gave her companion an uneasy
she knew ?
thumbs up and drew her weapon as the monsters charged in a blind
frenzy.
With every single monster that advanced, each one met its end as she
swiped each one out of existence.
What does that mean? When her blade hits them, they disappear? They
dissolve into liquid? They just get cut and die?
Also, 'each one mets its end as she swiped it out of existence' (don't
repeat 'each one')
Despite her advantage, Blade
realized that more and more monsters were cutting off all avenues of
escape. In addition, the lead youma was pushing aside its own
comrades to its chance at her. Either being pummeled to death by the
Are the monsters really going to pummel her? They don't have sharp
things to cut her with?
To add insult to injury, her was starting to grow weary from all the
arm?
sword swinging. She wasn't built for this kind of exertion and the
HIROSHI: No, she's built for ...
AKANE: HENTAI!!!
HIROSHI: Agh!
No sooner had he arrived, he leaped away, throwing a single rose in
then
the path of the monsters, give her the ample time to counter-attack.
giving her ample
"Ow! Ow! Ow! That really hurt!" Blade said, pulling herself to her
feet. Her armor had sustained damage at the youma were advancing even
and the youma ? as the youma?
faster. Blade was ready to panic, wondering what it would take to
bring down this thing, she when noticed her pauldrons opening. On the
when she
what's a pauldron?
inside of each plate, four glowing crystals crackled with energy
gathered, ready to use.
In an instant, intuition took over and she screamed, "Vol Tekka
Halation!" From the emitters, two large streams engulfed the youma and
its subordinates.. along with the several parked cars before crashing
into another store at the other end of the street. What few people
that lacked the common sense to flee the scene dove for cover as flame
burst from the store and the remnants of the cars.
and over the
Blade, through her helmet paled at the destruction she had
helmet,
inadvertently caused.
"Um... oops?" looking around, frantically, she turned around and ran
Looking
So, folks. If this... thing gave you any sort of amusement, then I've
done my job. For those who enjoy nit-picking, don't hold back. It's
been a long while since I've seen or read Sailor Moon or there's a
good chance I may have gotten her wrong in this story. Again, don't
hold back. I can take it.... really.
I enjoyed it.