Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net> wrote:
For those who don't know, a mecha (plural "mecha") is a large
humanoid vehicle, typically 2 to 3 stories tall. They differ from
standard exoskeletons (officially, "vehicles similar in size and shape
to unmodified human beings") in three ways. First, size. While there
is no official cutoff, I don't know of any exoskeletons taller than 10
feet, head to toe, while the mecha I pilot are usually closer to 30.
IMO, this opening's a trifle too expository. We probably don't need all
of this background information before we've got much reason to care
about it. It might be better to start right off relating an encounter
with the mystery mecha, or at least describing the general pattern of
the incidents, working these background details in only when they are
germane and/or necessary. I'd also like to learn more of our hero's
motivations. Why does he do what he does? What is it he really wants?
Posted May 1st, 8:29 PM, by user reddfox1337:
Hey there! Just wanna say, I live in Lower City an' I saw you today
an' I gotta say, you've got yourself a fangirl! I've piloted mecha
myself and they're way hard to master, but you're like a total pro
already! And you've only had them for, what, a week? ^_^
Little does our hero know that Redd is really Fred G. Sanford, an
elderly African-American junk dealer from El Segundo.
REDD: You big dummy! How'd you like one across yo' lips?
My boss says Mega says the test piloting was done by robot
dummies with simulation nervous systems. They admit some of the
Suggest: with simulated nervous
Like, what he said, dude. Seriously, there's so much bogus data they
hand out I'm surprised you still believe anything they say.
Oh, and the smiley? Say it like this: ^_^
MECHAPD: Oh, of course. Okay, then, caret-underscore-caret right back
atcha.
In the mean time, we had to apply some creative pressure to pop
my prisoner's suit open, but once we did, she was just another woman.
Kind of pretty, in her own way, but she's a bad guy, and she wouldn't
stop giving me the evil eye.
So, Red, what do you think? ^_^
REDD: Oh, come on, I stopped giving it after only about ten minutes.
MECHAPD: Er... caret-underscore-caret-semicolon-semicolon-
semicolon-semicolon-semicolon....
You know, I've tried to find your blog, but I couldn't. Don't
all users of this system have to have their own blog?
That'd be a dumb rule, considering you couldn't require them to actually
POST anything on it....
I just spent the past four hours reading and rereading her blog and oh
my gawd do I feel dirty.
I feel used. She didn't want me for me, she wanted me because I like
you. She tapped that, like some kind of vampire.
FLUFFY: You're just my type: AB negateeve! BLAH!
Posted May 6th, 4:52 PM, by user reddfox1337:
Some kind? He runs the Digging-
Umm, nevermind. Not supposed to talk about that.
Should've gotten a five-second delay....
Posted May 6th, 4:54 PM, by user mechapd:
Talk about what, Red? Or should I say, Ruby Wolf?
Posted May 6th, 4:55 PM, by user reddfox1337:
o_o You know?
Posted May 6th, 4:56 PM, by user mechapd:
Wasn't hard to figure out.
Now there's an understatement. I have to say, this gets my vote for
least surprising plot twist since... um, in quite some time. Given all
of the obvious clues that point to Redd's guilt, you really need to
throw in some red herrings to mislead us, or else pick a different
conclusion (putting in some clues for that and coming up with a reason
for all the misleading evidence).
I said mecha weren't the most practical for most uses, right?
But what if Mega really really wanted to start selling mecha, at a
high markup? Make its own market! Convince the public there are
mecha criminals at large, who might be able to get away time and
again, but at least mecha police can chase them away. Mega's large
enough to buy up almost any competitor, except those who can't be
bought, like Lower City. But those competitors can be discredited,
say if they're identified as the source of mecha criminals.
Now I know his mecha probably has powerful leg muscles, but this leap of
logic is a bit much. :) It'd help if by this point we'd seen some of
the reasoning and evidence that led up to the conclusion. I like the
twist here, it makes sense, but I just think the execution could use
some work.
I dug. Now, can you lead me to your friends before certain unfriendly
types find them? "Protective custody" is still on the books. ^_^
REDD: This is the big one! 'lizbeth! I'm comin' ta join ya, honey!
this was my trap for you enviousss
i needed proof you were unethical
you are so fired
- chairman, mega corporation
This part, on the other hand, really didn't work for me. It seems like
you're trying to force a "feel-good" ending where everything works out
for the best, and it kind of undermines what you've built up in the rest
of the story. It's not all that important after all that Mechapd
succeed, because benevolent authority is looking out for him and will
set everything right in the end.
I don't think it makes much sense just from a plausibility perspective,
either. skye was part of the scheme, so he/she obviously knew about it
from the beginning. If he/she needed proof, env's proposing the idea
would be enough, and by approving the plan, skye's implicated in it. A
savvy CEO is unlikely to go out of his/her way to stop someone who's
cheating *on behalf* of the company. If env was embezzling money on the
deal, that'd be a different matter. But as is, skye'd be far better off
just washing his/her hands of the whole thing; if it succeeds, it means
profits, and if not, env can take the fall for it.
The implication seems to be that skye and env were two of the other
people in the mecha. If correct, I think this is also implausible.
Executive types generally don't do risky grunt work, especially not when
it means risking getting caught and exposed, and when there would no
doubt be plenty of mercenary types around willing to do the job and not
ask any questions if the pay is good enough.
Anyway, I think it needs work, but has a good potential. Certainly it's
clear that much thought has gone into it.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
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