Many thanks for the C&C. ^^
As for Plot, well, there are seeds of it in chapter 1, but there are
seeds of a lot of things in chapter 1 so they can be hard to miss.
More will become clear as I go on - but you can expect lots of odd
juxpositions along the way, too. :)
hkmiller wrote:
Well, I liked this. (And they say you can't do anything new with the
"Ranma's first
meeting with the Tendos" scene... ;) )
It might be hard to keep this up, though. I think it's the unexpected
transformations
and juxtapositions that I like, and once they're all introduced,
you'll need
something else to keep the narrative going. So far, you just have a
very interesting
setting; you don't have a plot.
gamlain wrote:
<Snip Spelling & grammar comments to save FFML bandwith - thanks for
them, though, and I will look into them>
A few comments on your comments -
And with that, Mina slipped out the door, the persona of Sailor
Venus firmly in place as a blockade against fatigue, pain and
heartache.
Which raises in my mind the question as to where this is. She's
leaving her parents' house as
Sailor Venus? Or is this another location?
Another location, actually. If it isn't clear in this bit, I will have
to make it so, either in revision or in a later chapter. Why exactally
it's another location is yet to be revealed.
Across on the other side of the street another warrior also
followed along. It was difficult to tell just whom, in the wall of
water at rooftop height -Mano Yohko, she thought, or maybe Ayoko.
There was another flitting ahead of them - too fast to be identified,
which narrowed the field to about
five or ten people.
That number seems too low if you're using the entire cast of X/1999 as
well as as Sailor Moon.
Actually, none of the either of those two casts move fast enough to
produce that effect as far as Mako-chan is concerned here, but I'm not
sure how to make it clear from the narritive. Since the other people are
around it will likely simply be explored more when they actually show up
for more than half an eyeblink.
For an ordinary citizen of Tokyo, of course, all of those two casts
-can-. But not for an experienced Sailor Senshi.
The identities of the handfull plus of people who move 'too fast to be
identified' will eventually become clear, but I don't want to name them
just yet. :)
Note: Ranma, even end-of-manga cannon Ranma, cannot move quickly enough
to qualify. These are people who seem to teleport while moving. Ranma
would be a blur - but that would not be enough for Makoto.
The Temple number was busy, of course, and the Kuno Estate number,
Temple? In Nerima? I'm not recognizing this...
Ranma 1/2 is not the only series set in Nermia. Ah Megami-sama is also
set theirin or at least nearby to one of it's universities, and hence,
the Temple inhabited by Three goddesses, a tribe of mini-ninja, one Self
Aware Anti Demon Robot and one college student (amoungst other things)
happens to be there too.
said! They're headed for your neighborhood, so be on the lookout!"
Minor nit: Nerima is actually pretty big; heading towards it from
Minato-ku is not at
all the same as heading for Kasumi's neighborhood.
Quite true from a casual citizens pov. From the POV of someone who
watches over a large part of the city, though, the definition of
'neighborhood' blurs. Remember also that this is Makoto talking in a
hurry, not the narrator, and hence, her exactness isn't textbook level.
'Enlightened Warrior Arts. Demon Slaying Kenjitsu. Unrestricted
Grappling. Training by special appointment only. Tendou Akane,
Sensei.' Was added, and a line of messier, bright red Kanji below
that read, 'No Trespassing. Violators may be shot, impaled or invited
in for tea.'
Heh. So Akane and Nabiki are violent; it's just Kasumi who's really a
very nice girl.
*snorts* Well. Not exactally ^^
receiving end of that look was weird - this girl could do more with a
minute change of expression then all of the Saotome school insults
combined - and he
I like that "Saotome school insults". I've read fanfics which treated
Ranma's insults as a
conscious tactic on his part, but I don't recall reading any before
which treated the
technique as a formal part of the school.
Well, Something has been said before about Ranma and Genma treating
/everything/ as training. And something they do that often simply can't
be ignored.
Frankly, I just liked the idea myself :)
Love, after all, was her element. Fickle, difficult to use as a
weapon - in truth, her power within her element rivaled Saturn's, but
her powers were not so readily turned to destruction.
Not sure what to make of this. Combined with Usagi's absence from the
narrative,
you might be establishing an alterverse without her here, or with Usagi
combined into Minako. Minako claims love as an attribute, but in
canon I'm
not aware of any reason to think that it IS. And in canon, there's no
way her
power rivals Saturn's.
Okay, the meat of my comments on comments.
I am drawing primarily from the BSSM and Code Name Sailor V Manga's in
this story, with bits drawn from Subs of the JP anime as well, not on
the Dubbed continuitiy, and in all three sources Minako's power
canonically *is* love (She has several purely love/emotional attacks)
Usagi's power in the same is non-existant - all of Usagi's attacks are
based in a weapon - her tiara, a scepter, or the silver crystal, and the
times she is deprived of the crystal itself, she is basically helpless.
As to 'Rivaling saturns power' - obviously I need to reword that, as it
was not my intent to imply that she's as powerfull in the material sense
as Sailor Saturn. What I had ment to imply was that she has as much
influence over her element as Saturn does over hers, but, Saturn's
element being a primarily physical thing, has to work much much harder
to do anything with it. - The same amount of effort it takes Hotaru to
destroy a city block from minako might only knock over a tincan.
As to Usagi's non-presence -
Well, she's hardly the only cast member not present so far. Wait and see. :)
now. As a Sorceress bound in service to another, I cannot hold such
an honor.
Who, I wonder? Sakura, or another (Hitomi?)
All will be revealed in time. Or at least some of it.
Xian Pu looked down the side of the mountain she had finally
FYI, it's "Shan Pu": mountain coral. The actual characters are
given in the later manga.
/thank you/. I don't have the later Ranma manga anymore, so I couldn't
check.
Youtouji Satsuki on the other hand was all to easy to read: The
head of the steel dream circle, of those who did magic with machines
and computers and ideas - was impatient.
Doesn't sound like a description of the Dragons of Earth, so I suppose
the other six are in Kamui's circle, and Satsuki's other members
presumably
include Lain. Most similarly-powered characters I can readily think
of aren't
present-day characters, though, so I don't see how this circle can be
full
(Radical Edward, Lumiere).
You'll be finding out a few things about this later on, obviously :).
Not all of what Sakura names the 'Steel Dream circle' are anything like
Satsuki.
And no, They aren't the 'Dragons of Earth' - that disorganization is
defunct.
There were two more members of the council, and they appeared as
was their favored method - Kanzaki Hitomi in a pillar of blue light,
standing for - and keeping watch on -the mortal mages who clamed no
membership in a circle.
Wouldn't have thought Hitomi powerful enough for this. I guess
she's had some augmentation as well
You'll see :)
Gamlain,
Transuniversal Lunatic
gamlain@airmail.net
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