thanks" that Misako was "doing her duty." She wanted more despite the
love
she felt for her husband. She was tired of being average. She lived
with
an average man who had an average job in an average apartment and drove
an
average car.
Is any of this really true?
It's conjecture based on what we don't see rather than what we do see. We
hear a bit about Oneechan no Madoka's life, her marriage, we even see an
entire episode devoted to the rehearsal of her wedding. What we do know of
Oneechan no Madoka seems to suggest it's very boring and trivial in
comparison to Madoka. The last episode of the TV series suggests that
Oneechan no Madoka was responsible for taking care of Madoka and Hikaru
recognizes her from and early age.
Madoka had picked a whimsical man by the name of Kasuga
Kyosuke who was a combat journalist.
Hmm... I think of the adult Kyosuke as a photographer first, and a
combat journalist second.
Calling him the latter, leaving the "photographer" out, calls to mind
pictures of Kyosuke running
around Bosnia with a pad of paper and a pencil behind one ear.
Only if I were the one speaking here. These are Oneechan no Madoka's
thoughts. Combat Journalist sounds so much more... romantic/exciting/pick a
descriptor.
They both lived alone in the large
Ayukawa house.
"both lived alone" seems awkward How about: "The two of them occupied
the large
Ayukawa house, leaving a number of rooms completely empty."
Misako's husband flashed her a look. She apologized for clenching her
fist. Maybe it wasn't Madoka's fault. Misako had never asked for
anything
because had she done so, she would have lost the perfect image she had
because (had she done so) she would have...
I disagree with you here technically. Could you explain why it makes more
sense?
"Friends, family, guests, this is the happiest day of my life. Today
Kyosuke asked me something I've been wanting him to ask since we were in
high school.
First time through this, I thought this scene was at the marriage of
Madoka and Kyosuka.
But Madoka is saying "Today Kyosuke asked", and Madoka mentions an
"announcement'
below. So now I'm not sure at what kind of occasion this scene is set.
Suggest you make
it clearer somehow. Actually, Madoka's and Kyosuke's marriage would
make a good
occasion, I think.
That's a movie I haven't written yet. Although this is a "scene" from it. I
plan to introduce my Misako into the Kimagure Orange Road story, KORF, that
I've been writing for two years now. I'm horribly slow about it. This scene
probably takes place at the very end of that series, and I have a lot to
write to get there.
Below you say this occasion is the announcement of their engagement.
How did they
manage to get a large group of family and friends together the very day
Kyosuke
proposed to Madoka? Especially Hikaru, who presumably had to come from
New York.
You're right. Stupid mistake. For some reason I was thinking he had asked
her in front of them, but that should be explained better.
course, I want to thank my parents. Without them I wouldn't be here.
And
Kyosuke's parents for the same reason in regards to him."
Not just Kyosuke's father? His mother is long dead.
His mother deserves thanks anyway. In fact, she'd probably have a more
prominent place in a Japanese celebration than say my father (who is
deceased) would have at my egagement/wedding party, as the Japanese have a
cultural attachment to those that have gone before.
More laughs.
"I'd also like thank a very special person to both of us. You all know
Hikaru. She was once a force that drove us apart. We don't blame you
for
it at all."
That seems an awful thing to say in Hikaru's presence to a large group
of family
and friends, even if they are all acquainted. Why not just: "Hikaru
has been a very
dear friend to us both, and our relationship is much stronger because of
her."
...You continue to make good points. I'll change this.
Misako looked to Hikaru who smiled through her tears. Whether
Hikaru was crying from sorrow or joy, Misako couldn't tell. She didn't
really know Hikaru, although she'd been to the house often.
That strikes me as an especially telling remark. It's not as if Hikaru is
notable for hidden depths; she's all surface, out there in plain sight.
Misako could hardly help knowing Hikaru. Why would she think she
didn't?
Because she didn't pay attention. Perhaps she thinks there is more to Hikaru
than just surface. Oneechan no Madoka was so busy, at least it appears to me
from what little evidence is available, that she rarely had enough time to
actually pay attention to details of Madoka's life beyond the basics of
providing for her, since their parents could not. Madoka seems pretty
independent, but it was her sister that always had food on the table and ran
the household. I would tend to think that Oneechan no Madoka likely left the
two alone to play while she did more important things, rather than supervise
them so closely as to learn that when it comes to Hikaru, what you see is
what you get. She did entertain Madoka at some point, but I believe that was
long before we saw her in 1985. By 1985, Madoka was 12 and self-sufficient.
Hikaru was only 10. I need to rewatch the series to see when the two met
over that necklace situation...
"But there's on
more person I need to thank."
Misako felt Madoka's eyes upon her and looked up. "My sister doesn't
know
that she's responsible for this. She took care of me when our parents
couldn't. She brought me up when our parents' absence brought me down.
I'm
not saying our parents let us down. They did what they thought was best.
That, too, is a remarkably impolitic comment for this setting.
Perhaps. There's much that needs to be changed. This was a rough, rough
sketch of a viewpoint I've never written from. I always write from Kyosuke's
viewpoint. Madoka's character still eludes me on her own, although I can
typically write her through Kyosuke.
Misako was always caring for and entertaining me. Without her, I'd never
have been successful. We all know how much Kyosuke changed me,
Madoka might conceivably think that persuading her to stop smoking
justifies
this remark, but why would anyone else think so? What, for instance,
does Misako
read into this remark? From her viewpoint as given herein, Kyosuke
changed nothing.
You totally missed the point of the last episode, didn't you? Without
Kyosuke, Madoka continues as a juvenile delinquent. She and Yukari never get
out of the gang world they were once in and end up on opposing sides, and
Madoka almost gets raped. No one else changed all that dramatically. The
Perverts became patrol cops (how, I don't know, and I didn't explore in KORF
Chapter 2), and the Kasuga family seems fine. Hikaru ends up with Yuu and
they're very happy together, although she's also more delinquent because of
the lack of Kyosuke. The most seriously affected is Madoka, to the point of
sexual assault, and possibly death. Not to mention an incompleteness of
soul. Kyosuke's mere presence during the right time made Madoka sit up and
take account of her life, and the life she leads with Kyosuke is very
different than the life she would have lived without him.
but when I
needed to change, it was my sister I looked to for an example. So, I
raise
this glass and propose the toast not only to my engagement with Kasuga
Kyosuke, but to my sister who I will remain close with.
"who I will remain close with" is awkward and also strikes me as another
impoliteness,
as it might suggest condescension.
Suggest something simpler: "but to my dearest sister. Sis, I love you,
now and always."
I think I need to rework the entire thing.
Hope all this helps.
C&C always does.
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