Ryoga's next words would have been "you, I'm going to make you suffer",

Capitalize the 'Y' in 'you'.

Rising from the floor like an angered
cobra, the base of Genma's hand collided with Ryoga's nose. Caught off
guard, thinking more of peeling off Genma's skin one layer at a time
than of the possibility the older fighter was not down for the count,
Ryoga took the full brunt of the attack, sending cartilage flattened
into his skull and a hot spray outward.

A personal opinion - You might want to switch the second sentence around,
so that it reads 'Ryouga was caught off guard, etcetc...'  I usually
think that two sentences in a row starting with gerunds sounds awkward.

Genma knew
they were being followed for about a week before their trail was bold
enough to step forward; Ranma had only noticed it three days prior.

Huh?  This doesn't seem to scan well.

Second glance - Perhaps you meant 'tail' instead of 'trail'?
Trail might be correct after all, though I'm used to seeing it describing
a train of something, and Taro is only one person.

It
wasn't Ryoga, he knew that much, for he gave too much of his position
away and hesitated far, far too long in the attack.

Runon sentance.  Replace the first comma with a period (or semi).

"That's right, Dogshit! Now, if I let you go, what are you going to do?"

"Dogshit" started to answer, but Genma cut him off. "I'm going to tell
you what you're going to do. First, I am going to lift up your weapona
and allow you to get up onto your hands and knees. If you try to run
away from me, I am going to kill you. Second, you are going to crawl
over to the campfire. You're not going to stand up, because you don't
have the right to stand up. Only real men can stand tall. You're going
to crawl on your hands and knees like a dog. Third, you are going to
take a handful of that -- " Genma gestures to the ashes in the ring of
stones that marked where their fire had been -- "and you are going to
eat it. Do you know why you're going to eat it, Dogshit?"

Drill Sgt. Saotome.  Very interesting.  And IMO, well done.

Oh, it'll eb bad now, but buck up, kid! You've gopt your whole life
ahead of you!"

be, got

He turne toward Genma, tears streaking down his
ruddy face, looking for some word, some expression, some movement from
the man to show that it's okay, you've done enough, you can stop now.

turned

Dogshit -- Taro -- gulped and rose on his arms again, this time staying
stable upon them. He stepped forward once, twice, then terror shook him
and he collapsed once more. He thought he heard movement from behind him
and rose once more without even looking back. He crawled forward, the
palms of his hands pierced by the uneven and rocky soil. He finally
pulled himself to the remains of the fire. He stopped a moment, shifted
his weight to his left arm, reached out with his right.

Lots of lines starting with 'he'.  Somewhat repetitive.

Taro winced his eyes together first as reflex, then kept them shut so he
couldn't see the meal in front of him. He opened wide and pulled the
hand closer to his mouth. Simply bringint it closer had dried his mouth.
Then, hoping to end it quickly, he stuffed the hateful mound into his
open mouth all at once.

bringing

was seconds away from death. His eyes rolled back in his head, and the
thought to look at Genma was far from his mind.

'the throught to look at Genma was' -> (any) 'thoughts of looking at Genma
were'

Tired, they made camp for the day when they reached the outskirts.

outskirts -> city outskirts


Evocative imagery, descriptive characters...I wish more people would write
like this.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed.  "Tell me,"
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...

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