Aha! The first post to the FFML from my new account! And an
effort to appear original by not replying to RelAbs! All at the same
time! And yet, I am beaten to the punch by Peter!

On 26 May 2004, at 22:07, Brian Randall wrote:

    Begin lengthy forward.  Skip to the line below if you don't care,
and just want the story.

    This chapter is in memory of my one fan, Nancy, who sent me 20
e-mails asking when it would be released.

    Nancy, the answer is: today.

Thanks, but my name isn't Nancy.

    Sorry about the delay, folks, but as they say, life has a way of
happening.

    Yea, as I walk through the valley of flames, I shall fear no
troll....  (The fic starts just down there, Mr. F. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

        "Ah!" Haruka exclaimed, looking between Ranma and the elder
Oe.  "So this is the older brother we hear so much about."

You know, this helps not at all, but when I first read this, I thought 
"elder" was
somehow referring to one of Lovecraft's Elder Gods, and I said, "Yeah,
Haruka would take that in stride."

        The man blinked, surprised, and turned to survey the rest of
the cast, his eyes widening in appreciation. "You've heard about
me?" he asked.  He shook his head suddenly, striking a pose.  "Where
are my manners?"  He released his pose after a moment and grinned
boyishly.  "I'm Oe Kintaro!" he greeted, bowing to the assembled
group.  "It's nice to meet you!"

I was sort of expecting a little more in the way of, um, interest in 
the girls.
Based on what I've heard of Golden Boy, anyhow.

        A quick round of introductions and handshaking followed.

        "Ooh," Mitsune cooed.  "He's just as handsome as Ranma."

        "Eh?" Ranma and her older brother noised as one.

        "We don't have to discuss things in the cold," Haruka chided
before anyone else could answer.  "Why don't we all go into the inn
to celebrate finishing the play?"

        "Sounds like a plan to me," Keitaro said decisively,
grinning at the smiling people surrounding him.

        "After you finish cleaning up out here, of course," Haruka
added, surveying the makeshift stage.

        --------------------------------------
        Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Eleven -- Wrap Party

        Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi,
Viz (Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya
Egawa (Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
        --------------------------------------

        "Of course," Keitaro sighed.

Hm. The titlebox seems a little more interrupting here. I don't recall 
them
usually being in the middle of conversations.
(Later) Looking back over previous chapters, it seems that my memory
is off. Half of the chapters DO have it in conversations.

        "It'll go faster if we all work together," Mutsumi offered.

I sort of expected Suu to have another nifty device to help with this, 
but
perhaps that would be too useful.

        Keitaro brightened, and with everyone working together, the
materials were stowed quickly, except for the benches, which Ranma
promised to take care of later.

Hm. This is a rather complex sentence here, and I've not stopped to
diagram it to be sure, but I believe that it's not good to combine an 
active
clause (Keitaro brightened) and a passive clause (the materials were 
stowed)
like this. Also, the bit about the benches and Ranma makes the sentence 
sort
of tail off, losing momentum. Or something like that. I miss English.

        That done, everyone swarmed into the main room of the inn,
glad to be out of the steadily deepening chill of the evening.

        Shinobu poured everyone drinks, and then they raised their
glasses in a toast.  "To the great play you put on!" Ukyou called
out, finally having finished serving all the people who had attended
the show.  "You did a great job!"

        "An awesome job!" Kintaro seconded.

        With that, they all drank.  Once the toast was over, Mitsune
turned to Kintaro, and offered him a thoughtful smile.  He returned

Don't think this comma is necessary.

the smile, sitting at Ranma's side.  "So, now that we meet the
mysterious older brother, tell us about yourself," she prompted him.

Seems kinda awkward, because it seems to me like the "mysterious
older brother" bit is talking about Kintaro in the third person, but 
she's
addressing him. I could be wrong, though. Or this could just be style.

        "Oh, so you're Ranchan's older brother?" Ukyou asked
excitedly, setting down her glass and studying Kintaro with
interest.

        "Er ... that's me!" Kintaro hazarded, blushing faintly.
"What's Otouto told you about me?"

Again, not having seen Golden Boy, I really have no right to complain,
but this wasn't the sort of reaction I expected out of him.

        "Not much," Suu said, peering at the man intently.  "Are
Kintaros and Keitaros related somehow?"

        Seta chuckled at that, and shook his head, ruffling Suu's
hair.  "I doubt it's like that," he said cheerfully.  "Though, now
that you mention relations, my older sister married an Oe...."  He
trailed off as his expression became more thoughtful, and turned to
study Kintaro speculatively.  "I wonder...."

        Kintaro shrugged.  "I don't know," he said slowly.  "I'm the
oldest living male in the family, and ... er ... well, except for
Otouto, the only member with the name at all."

        Seta frowned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.  "When I was
younger, I was visiting an excavation site with my parents in
Bashtarl.  My older sister was already married with two children.  I
think her husband was named Oe.... Oe Oji.  But while we were gone,
she and her husband had an accident, and her children -- my niece
and nephew, I suppose -- vanished.  Management of the family was
passed to my niece, and she married very young, so we were never
able to find them again."

        Ranma looked between Kintaro and Seta curiously, but Kintaro
merely shook his head.  "How old were they?" the elder Oe asked.

        "Well, she was sixteen, or so, and he wouldn't have been
more than five or six at the most," Seta answered after a pause.  He
chuckled dryly, and shook his head.  "It seems to be a tradition in
my family to have children unusually far apart in age.  Ah, it's
probably only a coincidence. I wish I could remember their names,
but that was ... well ... just over twenty years ago."  Everyone
looked at Seta attentively, and he laughed ruefully.  "Sorry!  Me
and my old story have distracted everyone.  I think Keitaro-kun did
a very good job on the play."

        Mitsune nodded, and slapped the young man affectionately
across the back.  "Good job, Keitaro!" she encouraged.

        He nearly choked on his drink, but smiled anyway, face
coloring in embarrassment.  "It wasn't easy," he finally admitted.
"But it was great fun with all of you guys! Especially you two,
Haitani, Shirai."

        "They say to become an artist, you must endure great
hardships, and terrible suffering," Shirai said, grinning.

        Haitani gulped a quick mouthful of his drink, then piped up,
"With our suffering for this play, we're soon going to be able to be
the best actors in all of Japan!"

And they're good Buddhists too!

        Everyone chuckled at that, chattering in small groups, until
Ukyou revealed a huge platter covered in okonomiyaki.  "Everyone eat
up!" she encouraged.  "You've earned it."

Hm. Is this like a super megasize okonomiyaki? Or are they all stacked 
up,
like Paul Bunyan's flapjacks? Or are they just there helter-skelter. 
(The last
one was the imagery I got...)

        Ranma -- now male again -- snatched one from the top of the
pile, and wolfed it down eagerly.  "Excellent as always, Ucchan.
How long are you going to be in the area?" he asked.

        "Just for tonight, really," she admitted, beaming him a
smile.  "I'm opening my shop next month.  I can give you directions
for how to get there, if you'd like.  Will you be there for my grand
opening?"

        "You bet!" he said enthusiastically.  His grin faded, and he
turned to his older brother.  "Aniki?  How long are you going to be
here?"

        Kintaro shook his head as though roused from some
distracting thought, and frowned.  "That's a good question," he
mused, rubbing his chin.  "I just wanted to come by and visit you
after I got your letter.  Probably only a day or so before I get
back to traveling."  He looked suddenly evasive.  "Things seem to
happen if I stay put too long without learning something new."

That's not very nice. Surely he can see that there are things to be 
learned
here. Perhaps he could learn how to manage a girls' dorm?

        "Is that all that brought you here?" Naru asked, settling
into a cushion comfortably.

        "Well, no, not all," Kintaro admitted.  "I also need to go
to Todai to finally get around to picking up that law degree."

        "Oh, you're trying to get into Toudai too?" Naru asked.

        Keitaro frowned.  "I thought you already said your brother
attended Todai, though," he said, turning to Ranma.

        "That's right!" Ranma said, smacking one fist into the palm
of the other hand.  "He passed all of the exams to get his degree,
but left before actually picking it up."

        Naru and Keitaro choked on their drinks in tandem, then
stared at Kintaro fixedly.  "Finally get around..." Keitaro began.

        "... to picking up that law degree?" Naru completed.

        "Why?" Keitaro and Naru asked together, the pair of them
seeming to think the idea a blasphemy.

Aw, come on, having a law degree isn't that bad.
(The most likely antecedent of "idea", here, is "getting the law 
degree", not
"leaving Toudai to see the world". You might want to rephrase this to 
clarify.)

        "Well, something more important came up," Kintaro said
dismissively.  "It was only a few months of classes anyway."

        Silence filled the room, punctuated by Haruka pulling a
cigarette from one pocket and putting it to her lips, though she did
not light it.

Er, what's the purpose of that? Quite a lot of people seem to do that 
sort of thing.

        "That's quite impressive!" Mutsumi finally exclaimed,
clapping her hands together in delight, and shattering the fragile
silence.

        Kintaro offered an embarrassed and good-natured chuckle,
ducking his head at the praise.

        "Well," Keitaro finally said, shaking his head.  "Most of us
are still trying to get into Todai, Oe-san, so we're going to use
you as inspiration to do our best!"

        "Right!" Naru and Ranma cheered in tandem, raising their
glasses.  "To Todai!"

        "I'll drink to that!" Mutsumi chimed in.  "Sake, anyone?"

<snip hot tub scene>

        "You know," Keitaro remarked, nursing the slap mark across
his cheek, "you two seem pretty lucky when it comes to dealing with
angry women."

        Kintaro and Ranma both winced, and exchanged a pointed
glance.  Shaking his head, Kintaro changed the subject, asking, "Do
the two of you study together to try and get into Todai?"

        Keitaro nodded, turning his attention to the small pile of
study guides on the low table in front of him.  "Mutsumi-chan and
Narusegawa also study with us, though," he added, when Kintaro
picked up a booklet and flipped through it.

I would suggest "added, as Kintaro", since the statement doesn't seem to
actually relate to Kintaro's flipping of the booklet. Unless the 
booklet has one
of their names on it.

        "Good study habits," Kintaro said neutrally.  "But then,
everything is study, because life itself is learning.  Right,
Otouto?"

        "Right, Aniki," Ranma replied, grinning.  "I haven't
forgotten what you taught me."

        Kintaro nodded knowingly, sporting a wise smile, and rubbing
the bottom of his chin with his thumb.  "Yes, yes," he allowed.
"But at the same time, you must always follow your own path."

It is a koan?

        "Er ... what does this have to do with studying?" Keitaro
asked, frowning.  "I thought you were going to help us out with
studying, since you already went to Todai."

        Kintaro leapt to his feet, grinning, and posed dramatically.
"Ah!  Well, then, that's simple.  You just need to study like me!"
he cried out.

        "How do I do that?" Keitaro asked eagerly.

        Kintaro pointed directly at Keitaro, and the dorm manager
suddenly had the sensation of looking up a great distance to meet
the older man's eyes.  "First," he intoned deeply, "you must acquire
a bicycle."

I can personally attest to the value of this statement.

        "A bicycle?"  Keitaro dismissed the comment as a joke, and
shook his head.  "And then?"

Don't need the comma.

        Keitaro's eyes widened, and he leaned back, as Kintaro put

Don't need first comma. I think.

one foot on the table, increasing his height and leaning closer to
the manager.  "Then," Kintaro thundered, waggling his finger back
and forth, "you must sharpen your mind and body to physical
perfection, and embark on a twelve year journey of learning."

        Shaking his head, Keitaro realized that Kintaro was leaning
even closer.  "How long?" he managed tremulously.

        Time seemed to stretch, dragging on impossibly slowly, and
Kintaro's lips moved with the speed of complacent glaciers.
Keitaro's mind raced to sort the deep rumble of sound into words, as
the answer came again, "Tweeeeeeeelllve yeeeeeeeeeaaars."

        The man, much like Keitaro's goal of reaching Todai, began
to recede before him, shrinking, and moving further away, though the
intensity of his gaze hadn't faded one whit.  It was only when the
nearly numbed reverberations through his head jarred his glasses off
that Keitaro realized he had fallen backwards.

        "That's ... an awfully long time," he gasped out, as time
resumed its normal course, and Kintaro settled back to the floor

Don't need comma, methinks.

opposite him.  Keitaro straightened his glasses out and sat up,
peering at Ranma hopefully.

        "Aw, don't be like that," Ranma encouraged, still grinning.
"It only took me five years."

        Keitaro blinked, wondering why he was staring at the ceiling
of his room.  The one without the hole leading to Naru's room, he
absently observed, frowning. "Is that all?" he heard his voice ask.

        "Then again, Otouto, you're not in Todai, yet."

        As Keitaro sat upright again, Ranma chuckled, ducking his
head in embarrassment.  "Yeah, I know," he said.  "But I have a good
feeling.  I think I can make it."

        "A positive spirit is the most important part of studying,"
Kintaro acquiesced.  "With will and determination, you can go far."

        "So we can rule out the twelve years of study?" Keitaro
asked hopefully.

        "It's a possibility, I suppose," Kintaro mused, rubbing his
chin thoughtfully.  "But not the bicycle."

Perfectly understandable.

        "I see," Keitaro said slowly, as there was a knock at his
door.  "Come in!"

        Naru slid the door open, waving, and Mutsumi followed,
closing the door behind her.  "It's getting colder!" Naru observed,
shivering slightly.  "I'm glad we finished the play before it got
worse!"

        "Oh?" Mutsumi asked, cocking her head to one side.  "I live
for the winters -- it's almost always warm in Okinawa."

        Ranma and Kintaro nodded knowingly at that, and Kintaro rose
from the table, gesturing the girls to be seated.  "I don't want to
interfere with your studying," he explained.

        "Oh, it's not interfering," Naru assured him, glancing at
Keitaro.  "Only, we were wondering...."  She trailed off, biting her
lip, and couldn't meet Kintaro's eyes.

        "Yes?" he prompted, not yet moving to the doorway.

        "Oh, well, Keitaro-kun sometimes needs help with his
studying, because he isn't very intelligent," Mutsumi volunteered.

        Naru crossed her arms beneath her chest and nodded
knowingly.

        Keitaro winced, noting Ranma doing the same.  "I'm not
dumb," Keitaro defended himself.

        Touching a fingertip to her lower lip, Mutsumi mused, "And
Ranma-kun learns bad habits very easily."

        Naru nodded again.

        "How was I to know that Suzuki's trick couldn't be
universally applied?" Ranma grumbled, flinching.

        "And I sometimes forget important things, like ... well, I
forget," Mutsumi sighed.

I'm still of the group which claims that "sighed" isn't a proper speech 
indicator. YMMV.

        Naru nodded a third time, and then said, "Of course, as for
myself and my own studying-"

        "And Narusegawa got a score of zero on one of her practice
tests, too," Mutsumi said, clasping her hands before her and
offering a sympathetic smile.

        "That's exactly right," Naru affirmed, nodding a fourth
time.  Keitaro and Ranma stared at her blankly for a moment before
comprehension flashed across her face, and she gasped out, "Mutsumi-
chan! How did you know about that?"

        Tamago offered a helpful chirp, floating out from behind
Mutsumi and waving a test paper.

She has all the secrets.

        Before Naru could intercept it, Keitaro snatched the sheet
away, unable to believe it.  "A zero!" he exclaimed.  "That's
amazing -- a perfect zero!"

        "Ack!"  The light-haired girl reflexively grabbed the paper
away from Keitaro and turned her back to him, hunching in on
herself.  "You don't need to be so mean about it," she said, her
voice hurt.

        Keitaro managed not to nod.  Partially, because Naru was

Don't think you need this comma.

looking away, and would miss the gesture, and partially because if

Don't need first comma, perhaps.

his world were shifted any more, he was afraid he would fall
completely out of it.  Ranma only offered Narusegawa a sympathetic
glance, suggesting that -- somehow -- Keitaro had managed to imagine
that they were in a relationship on his own, and they were actually
separate.  He couldn't imagine Ranma being interested in Naru, and
ignoring her when she was hurt.  Rather, Ranma would act like
Kintaro was, and take her hand, giving her words of encouragement.

        Keitaro managed a gurgling noise before his vision went
black.

He never wins.

        When Keitaro returned to his senses, Kintaro had gone, and
the other three would-be students were studiously working, Ranma and

They're still students, even if they're not in Toudai yet.

Mutsumi as cheerfully as ever, and Naru with a small smile playing
about her lips.

        "Um ... did I miss anything?" he asked, rubbing his eyes
tiredly.

        "Not much," Mutsumi assured him, smiling.

        "Oe-san just told us that anything is possible with patience
and a positive attitude!" Naru said, glancing at him as her smile
deepened for the merest moment.

        "Which Oe-san?" Keitaro asked, rubbing at his forehead.

        "Aniki," Ranma clarified.  "You can call me Ranma,
Kanrinin."

        "Ah ... you can call me Keitaro then, Ranma-san," Keitaro
replied hesitantly.

        "No problem, Keitaro." He frowned then, and glanced at his
answer sheet.  "Actually, maybe one ... have you looked at the
question set for page twelve of the advanced math booklet?  I'm
actually getting two and a half for the final answer, and I want to
make sure it's really right, this time."

Hah!

        ***

        Ranma tucked his hands into his pockets, walking slowly next
to Kintaro.  He kicked at a small pile of leaves that had gathered
at the top of the stairs before taking a few steps down, Kintaro
pacing him.  The pair stopped there, in a good position to see both
across the courtyard, and over the stairs, should anyone approach.

        "It's good to see you're doing well, Otouto," Kintaro
finally said, looking at the city stretching out beneath the
staircase.

I would put "beyond". The city isn't really below the stairs.

  <snip>
        ***

        Naru glanced around to make sure that no one was looking,
then knocked on the door before her.

        "Come in," Mitsune answered from within, somewhat
distractedly.

        Opening the door and taking another careful glance around,
Naru stepped into the room, quickly closing the door behind her.
Mitsune was stretched out on her bed in her normal attire for the
weather -- long pants, and a sweater.  She didn't look up at Naru,
instead flipping through a magazine with a steadily increasing
frown.

        "So, Mitsune, I wanted to ask you--"

        "Says here that Oe's loaded," Mitsune noted, snapping the
magazine shut, and raising her eyes to meet Naru's.

        "What?"

        Mitsune sat up, and motioned Naru to take a seat.

        After Naru had found a cushion, Mitsune showed the magazine
to her.  On the cover, in a very revealing red outfit, a long-haired
blonde-haired woman posed, looking somewhat distracted.  The text
beneath her face read, 'Female Power!  Inside: Exclusive Interview
With T.N. Software Founder.'

        "I don't understand," Naru said, frowning, and raising her
eyes to meet Mitsune's.

        Mitsune shook her head, and flipped the magazine open,
reading aloud from an article.  "'When asked during the interview
how she had managed her all-female staff, leading them to develop a
new database software which secured a contract overseas with an
American client, which in turn caused the company's net worth to
more than triple overnight, the only response given was, "I couldn't
have done it without Oe."  Further comment was refused on who this
mysterious "Oe" is, but our inside sources suggest that not only is
Oe the only male member of the team, he may have been "more" than a
partner to a woman owning a company worth millions of dollars in
America, and billions of yen here in Japan.'"

        "Oe?" Naru asked, frowning.  "Well ... I don't understand
what makes you think that he's rich just because of that."

        "He'd have to be!" Mitsune protested.  "You can't secure a
multi-billion yen contract and ignore it unless you've got some
obscene amount of wealth stowed away!  Aside from which, Kintaro
mentioned earlier that he knew about computers, and had once written
a database program."

This is not really conclusive evidence, Mitsune.

        "It could be a coincidence," Naru countered, crossing her
arms over her chest.  "Really, Kitsune.  How do you know it's the
same Oe?"

        "Really."  Mitsune snorted, crossing her own arms over her
chest after dropping the magazine.  "I don't believe in coincidences
like this anymore.  Ranma and Keitaro collectively seem to destroy
all coincidences."

        "I suppose," Naru conceded, shaking her head.  "But that's
not what I wanted to ask you about, Kitsune."

        "You want to talk to me about Keitaro?" Mitsune asked,
uncrossing her arms and laying across the bed.  "More trouble
between you two?"

        "Eh?  You say it like we're having a lovers' quarrel!"

        "Just a coincidence, I'm sure," Mitsune retorted dryly.
"But, Naru, before you talk about Keitaro, you want to listen to
something from me?"

        "Well...."  Naru bit her lip, holding back the reply that
she just had listened to something from Mitsune, and instead nodded.

        "You know, Naru-chan," Mitsune said softly, looking away.
"This isn't just about the fact that Ranma and his brother may be
rich.  Because, even though they may have money, neither of them
looks like the kind of guy who would really want to live a lifestyle
immersed in riches and luxury, like any sane person would."  She
sighed, rubbing at her eyes.  "I made a snap judgement, though.  I
went on a date with Ranma, and then I told him that I couldn't go
out with him because his curse made me uncomfortable."

        Naru's questions on how to approach Keitaro evaporated like
mist at dawn in the face of such a remark.  It was almost alien for
the subject of romance to arise and not center around either herself
or Keitaro.  "I see," she said quietly, looking at her friend with
sympathetic eyes.  "And you're having an awkward breakup?"

        "No!"  Mitsune shook her head quickly, slumping.  "I mean
... that's not it, Naru-chan. I ... I'm having regrets about
breaking up with him."

        "Oh!  Well, if that's all, maybe you can--"  She choked on
her own words right then, eyes widening.  But if Mitsune pursued
Ranma, then Mutsumi would probably ignore him, and that meant that
she might pursue Keitaro, which in turn meant....  "Oh," she said
again, much more quietly.

        "Yeah," Mitsune sighed.  "But you didn't know when you asked
for that favor ... and I didn't really think about it when I
answered."  She rubbed her forehead anxiously.  "Anyway.  That's
what's been bothering me, Naru-chan.  That I might have had
something good, and thrown it away too soon."

        Naru closed her eyes, thinking.  What could she do?  Risk
putting her relationship in jeopardy just to give Mitsune a chance
to patch things up with Ranma?  Then again, what kind of
relationship did she really have with Keitaro, anyway?  Neither of
them really managed to talk about it, and they'd had a grand total
of two dates, one that was embarrassing, and one that had been
something of a failure.  Was she so selfish that she couldn't help
out her friend when she was in pain?

        Aside from which, she decided, if there was to be anything
between her and Keitaro it should be easily decided by her making a
move.  Throwing Mutsumi at Ranma was only an excuse to buy herself
more time, since she was too frightened to make a move.  If she were
to encourage Mitsune to pursue him, and then just ... talk to
Keitaro and at least admit her feelings, then everyone would be
happy!

This seems slightly too fast, slightly too soon, but only slightly. And 
the next
sentence does help mitigate it.

        A nagging thought in the back of her head warned her that it
wasn't entirely true, but she ignored it. She still had to help her
friend.  "Mitsune, I think you should try and make up with him,
then," she said softly, offering an encouraging smile.

        Mitsune seemed to relax, as the tension visibly drained out
of her.  "Really?" she asked, looking up at Naru.

        "Yes," she said, nodding.  "You shouldn't have to set your
happiness by the wayside to try and help me out."

        "Thank you, Naru-chan," Mitsune breathed, grinning.  "I feel
much better now."  She eyed the fallen magazine, and her smile
deepened.  "And the possibility of marrying into money couldn't
hurt."

        Naru rolled her eyes, and offered a good natured, "Just keep
positive, Kitsune-chan!  What could possibly go wrong?"

keep "thinking" positive, or something like that, probably.

        The door slammed open at that instant, and Motoko stood
there, tensed, breathing heavily, and with a haunted look about her
eyes.  "Kitsune-san!" she cried out, striding into the room, and
falling to her knees before the woman.  "I find myself in urgent
need of your advice!"

        Mitsune sighed, and shot Naru a warning glance, before
turning to Motoko.  "What's bothering you?" she asked.

        "I believe that Oe-sensei...."  Motoko caught herself, and
took a deep breath.  "It took me some time, and much meditation to
reach this conclusion, but I believe it to be the case that ... Oe-
sensei is in love with me."

        Mitsune's jaw hung open for an instant, her eyes widening in
alarm.  A crash from the hallway, followed by a muffled groan
interrupted the silence.

        "Um ... you left the door open," Naru noted.

        "So she did," Ranma grumbled, climbing to his feet, and
stepping inside.  "So, what brought about this conclusion, Motoko-
chan?"

        The kendoka's eyes had widened in alarm at the crash, and

There should be a way to make this more active. I don't think this is
actually in passive voice, but it seems close. Also, if you use "had
widened", you should use "had caused her to flinch" as well.

each word from Ranma caused her to flinch, shrinking a little more
into herself, until she looked like she was about to try crawling
underneath Mitsune's bed to hide.  "Oe-sensei," she mumbled, her
head bowed.  "I ... I'm sorry, but my affections belong to ...
another."

        Ranma blinked at that, then scratched his head.  "Um ...
okay," he mumbled.  Clearing his throat, he spoke up, explaining,
"Motoko-chan, you're a student of mine, so--"

        "It's improper!" Motoko snapped, straightening up somewhat,
and raising her head.  "It's shameful, that's what it is!  A grown
man lusting after a young student!"

        Ranma blinked, not bowing his head at the rebuke.  "Er ...
well, yeah, I can see why you would think that, but--"

        "Probably even now you're planning some trip under the
pretenses of training, where you'll drag me off alone!"  Motoko
leapt to her feet, one hand going to the sheathed blade at her side,
and advanced on Ranma, who took a nervous step backwards.

        "Um, Motoko-chan...."

        "But you won't stop there!" Motoko accused, taking another
step forward.  "Then, when we're alone, under the guise of something
more innocent, you'll ravish me!  You'll find some excuse to get us
into the same blanket, without clothes, and then you'll lay a hand
on me, first running a rough hand in a gentle caress across my
smooth--"

At least she doesn't think she's ugly or fat or something.

        "Motoko-chan!" Ranma protested, his retreat halted by the
railing outside of the hallway.  Realizing he was pinned, he waved
both hands before him defensively.

        "And when you've had your way with me, and gotten me with
child, you'll bring me back here, and I, with child, will have no
choice but to marry you!"  Motoko's hand tightened on her sword, and
Ranma raised his hands over his head, as Motoko had advanced nearly
right into them, then pressed closer, her face slightly flushed, and
her breathing irregular.

        "I, um, that is--"

        "Our daughter would be raised and educated in my family's
school, as is proper."  Motoko's right hand hadn't budged from her
sword, though her left had come up to tap her lower lip
thoughtfully, while Ranma broke out in a nervous sweat.

        "Hello?  Motoko-chan, I--"

        "Ah!  Of course, you wouldn't stop with just one child, no!
You would continue to take advantage of me night after night, until
we had dozens of daughters...."  Motoko trailed off, her eyes
seeming to look less at Ranma, and more through him, to some
distant, nearly invisible thing.  She shook her head suddenly, her
face still flushed, and pursed her lips as though to kiss Ranma for
a moment, then spoke, "But I won't give in that easily!  I can only
surrender myself to someone who can best me in combat!"

You know, I've been told that the typical female equivalent of a man 
mentally
undressing a girl is for her to imagine herself in a relationship with 
him. Then
again, is Motoko a typical girl?

        "Well, he already has," Haruka noted, taking a cigarette
from her pocket and placing it at her lips.  "Repeatedly, as I
recall."

        Motoko, realizing what she had been rambling on about

Here, you NEED a comma for once, after 'about'. Unless you reword it to 
not
have 'about'  dangling like that.

suddenly blushed very darkly, and stepped away from Ranma, bowing
her head.

        Naru shook her head, wondering when Haruka had come across
the scene -- she'd been so caught up in Motoko's tirade that she had
missed the woman's arrival.

        "This is all very interesting now, isn't it?" Haruka asked,
turning to peer at Ranma, who had frozen when Motoko retreated.
"Oe?"

        Snapping out of his sudden stupor, Ranma shook his head, and
cleared his throat pointedly, closing his eyes while he muffled a
cough with one fist.  Not looking up to see Motoko, who was blushing
furiously, he explained, "As I was saying, Motoko-chan, I am your
teacher, and you are my student.  It wouldn't be proper for me to
have such feelings for you."  He nodded at that, then opened his
eyes.  "Hopefully that clears that up."

        Motoko blushed silently, staring at her feet.

        Ranma glanced sidelong at Haruka.  "Um... thanks.  What
brought you by, anyway?"

        "I'm a firm advocate of romance as a spectator sport,"
Haruka replied dryly, offering Ranma a sardonic smile.  "Also, some
mail."  She pulled a trio of envelopes from a pocket.  "Letter for
you, Mitsune, and a letter for you, Motoko."  She glanced at the
last envelope, after handing the other two out, and pocketed it.
"And now I just need to find Suu."

        As if summoned, the excitable girl bounced down the hallway,

"Exciteable"? You act as if that isn't her default state.

taking a moment to run in a circle around Ranma and inspect him
before drawing to a halt before Haruka.  The older woman raised an
eyebrow, and withdrew the envelope from her pocket again.  "Here you
go," she told the girl.

        "Aniki!" Suu cheered, holding the letter aloft and zipping
back the way she had come, inspecting Motoko on the return trip,
then vanishing.

        "Right," Ranma said, shaking his head.  "I'm going to study
some more."

        "Good plan," Naru seconded.

        ***

        During a break from studying, Naru sat atop the roof,
leaning against the peak.  Keitaro, Shinobu, and Suu were nearby,
admiring the view of the city.  It had rained much of the day, so
once the clouds had gone away, the air was clean, and smelled fresh,
presenting a clear view to the beach, and beyond.  "It's nice," Naru
finally said, drawing her knees up to her chest, and wrapping her
arms around them.

        Suu lounged across the peak of the roof like a sunning cat,
already wearing her winter school uniform.  To Naru's left, hands on
the roof between her knees as she knelt, Shinobu nodded, her eyes
distant, though she seemed to steal glances at something nearer than
the horizon every so often.  Naru wasn't certain what it was, but
was too relaxed to ask or investigate.

If Naru's sitting back and leaning against the peak, then this seems 
like a very
precarious position for Shinobu, as she would (assuming she's facing 
the same
direction as Naru) be leaning downwards.

        Keitaro sat further down the slope of the roof, one leg
drawn up, and the other laying flat against the roof, with both
hands splayed at his sides to stabilize his position.  He yawned
slightly, then glanced to the side, into the yard where Ranma toiled
with Motoko, picking up the last wooden remnants of the benches in
the auditorium.

        Most of the auditorium had collapsed in the rain, save the
wall that had been defined by the roots of one of the great trees.
The floors and walls had otherwise been turned into mud, and pooled
at the bottom.  While Motoko carefully stacked the wooden benches on
one of the few undamaged sections of the lawn, Ranma shoveled drier
dirt into the pit.  Every so often the redhead would investigate the
mess at the bottom to ensure that it wasn't too watery.

        She worked swiftly, and once Motoko had finished moving the
benches, she joined in, too.  It seemed to only take them a handful
of minutes to turn the entire auditorium into a mostly smooth muddy
patch, which was then carefully cordoned off with wooden benches.
That done, they scattered grass seed across the surface of the
field, though Keitaro doubted it would grow much -- if at all --
before the season turned again.

        Naru took her eyes away from the scene, and shook her head.
"Even when he's not studying he doesn't seem to relax," she
murmured.  "I wonder why that is."

        "I think it's because he's running from something in his
past," Mutsumi opined, climbing up through one of the secret-hatches
in the roof.

        Naru startled at that, then shook her head, smiling softly.
"Hello, Mutsumi-chan," she greeted.  "Feeling better?"

        "A short nap was just the thing," Mutsumi affirmed, climbing
onto the roof with the rest of them.  "It's a beautiful day today,
isn't it?"

Isn't it usually, with her?

        Suu straightened up slightly, and looked over the edge of
the roof to where Motoko and Ranma were still talking, their voices
audible, though the words were lost at such a range.  "What can you
tell me about a Ranma's past?" she asked curiously.

        "Oh, I don't know," the dark-haired girl said slowly.  "I
think it must be a secret.  Do you suppose we could ask Tama-chan?"

        "My arch-nemesis," Suu murmured thoughtfully, glancing
around for some sign of the creature.  It was currently nestled atop
Keitaro's head, eyeing her suspiciously.  "But for information on a
Ranma ... it might be worth it.  Tell me, Tamago!  Do you know a
Ranma's secrets?"

Suu should run an intelligence service.

        Tamago blinked a few times, then shook its head furiously,
while Keitaro tried to look at it, perched as it was atop his own
head.

I forget, did you resort to using "it" for Tamago because you weren't
sure of gender? I thought she was a she.

        "Oh, it was worth checking," Mutsumi said, smiling softly.
"We could always just ask Ranma-kun, couldn't we?"

        "Simple communication could probably solve a lot of
problems," Keitaro said quietly.  He yawned, stretching his arms
wide before he climbed to his feet.  "I'm going inside," he finally
said.  "It's a bit chilly."

        Naru nodded absently, wondering if she should follow and try
and confess to him; she knew that she really had to, now.  She'd
certainly been putting it off long enough, anyway.

        Below, Ranma and Motoko drew close enough to the side of the
house that their voices carried, pushed by a gentle breeze.  Keitaro
missed it, and vanished into the passageway Mutsumi had emerged

Missed "it"? The breeze?

from, but Shinobu looked up, as Motoko slowly said, "I'm sorry ...

Don't think you need the comma after "up"

about my mistake."

        "Eh ... don't worry about it," Ranma assured her.  "I
respect you, Motoko.  I know we didn't get along really well at
first, and I know you're a student ... but I kind of like to think
of you as a friend."

        Motoko giggled, a decidedly foreign sound from the kendoka,
and surprisingly ... girlish, to Naru's ears.  "Thank you, Oe-
sensei.  I am glad that ... we have come to understand one another,
then.  Our initial meeting was less than pleasant."

        "You can say that again," Ranma mumbled.  "Oh, heya,
Kitsune.  What's up?"

        Naru blinked, and Shinobu actually turned her head to hear
better, frowning slightly.  Suu lolled absently, appearing as
oblivious as Mutsumi, and Naru wondered if she should make a sound
to remind Ranma and Motoko that they were on the roof.  "Not much,"

Does Naru care if Ranma and Motoko know that Suu and Mutsumi are there?
Because if she's making a sound to let R&M know that she's on the roof, 
then you
shouldn't use "they" there.

Mitsune's voice called, slightly strained.  "Um ... Oe ... do you
have a minute?"

        "Sure," she said.  "I think Motoko-chan wants to use the
baths first, anyway."

        "Actually, I do.  If you will excuse me, Oe-sensei."  Naru
strained to listen, and saw Shinobu flinch slightly at the sound of
the door closing.

        "Um ... Oe ... do you remember ... a while ago, when we went
on a date?" Shinobu raised one hand to her mouth, eyes widening even
further, while Naru frowned.  All she could clearly remember of the
event was her misery at thinking Keitaro was gay, and then elation
over the fact that he wasn't.  What specifically had happened
between Mitsune and Ranma, then, to break them up?

        "I remember," Ranma said slowly.  "Why?"

        "I may have ... spoken too soon," Mitsune said hesitantly.
"I was ... surprised, really.  I didn't think you were going to kiss
me, I mean."

        Ranma said nothing in reply, and Shinobu swallowed nervously
in the silence.

        Finally, Mitsune spoke again, her voice indistinct, and both
Naru and Shinobu leaned towards the edge of the roof to hear better.
"I'm not sure I meant what I said, Oe ... I may have been hasty ...
and I'm wondering if you ... might ... want to ... try again?"

        "Try...."  Ranma sighed, loudly enough to be heard from the
roof.  "I don't know.  The curse is a part of me, you know.  This
form ... is something I'm pretty much stuck with.  I checked around
a bit.  Well, a lot, really.

        "One of the things ... that made me go on the road was the
fact that I couldn't be accepted by...."  She trailed off for a
moment, the thickness in her voice audible even from there.  "I
couldn't be accepted with the curse by people I thought were
important.  Because of that, I decided that the only people who can
really understand me are the ones that can see through the curse ...
like Aniki.  If you pay attention, he goes crazy around girls
usually ... but for some reason he never looked at my cursed form
twice.  I wouldn't want to make you have to deal with something you
didn't want to like that, Kitsune-chan."

        "Why?" Mitsune finally asked.

        "I dunno," Ranma finally said.  "A lot of reasons, really.
I mean, for all I know, some day I could get stuck as a girl ...
it's happened to me twice before.  But maybe some time I could get
stuck and not find a way to get unstuck for a long time.  And even
though I'd always be ... a girl on the outside from then on ... I'm
a guy, Kitsune-chan.  I couldn't change that, even if I looked like
a girl on the outside forever."

        "I understand," Mitsune said tiredly.  "I ... do."

        "I ... don't think it'd work.  You ... didn't like it when I
kissed you as a girl, and I couldn't ... couldn't let you go along
with something that you weren't comfortable with.  If I got stuck
... then you would be miserable, and so would I.  I'm sorry,
Kitsune. I really am."

        Shinobu looked like she was on the verge of tears, listening
in.  Naru felt more than a little guilty herself, but said nothing,
wondering how Mitsune would react to that statement ... and more
over the fact that she could understand what Ranma meant.  Even if
on the surface it was perverted ... Ranma wasn't about to let
Mitsune start something she might not be happy with.

        Mitsune's voice was filled with sorrow when she spoke next.
"You're right, Ranma.  If you ... were just a guy, I think you'd be
one of the best guys ever.  But....  You shouldn't apologize.  I ...

Don't think you need to capitalize "you".

I'm sorry."  Shinobu sniffled quietly, tears trickling down her
cheeks as she covered her mouth with her hands to muffle her sobs.
The quiet sound of the door opening, and then closing sounded again.

        "Damn it," Ranma muttered.  She sighed, and then opened the
door again, while Shinobu's sniffling increased in volume.

        "That's so sad," the girl finally sobbed.  "Poor Kitsune-
san...."

        "My," Mutsumi murmured softly.  "Poor Ranma-kun."

        Suu glanced between Mutsumi and Shinobu speculatively, then
turned to Naru, and tugged at her sleeve insistently.  "Naru, Naru,
what was that about?" the girl asked.

        Naru shook her head, wondering at how distanced she felt
from what she had overheard; Mitsune was her friend, and that had to
have hurt....  Even if it was better than the truth coming to light
only after something tragic had happened.  "I'm not really sure,"
she finally managed.  "I guess ... it was just ... that Ranma and
Kitsune are too different."

        "Ranmas are different from Kitsunes," Suu asserted, nodding
sadly.  Naru looked at her sharply, but the typical grin was gone
from the silver-haired girl, and her green eyes were somber.  "They
are different from many things, here...."

        "How do you mean?" Mutsumi asked thoughtfully, handing
Shinobu a handkerchief and patting the girl on the back
comfortingly.

        Suu's eyes narrowed speculatively, and she looked upwards,
as though the answer were written there in the evening sky.  "Maybe
trauma," she finally said.  "It's hard to say.  I could find out....
But a good scientist won't destroy her specimens while trying to
understand them, so I might not know for a long time."  She blinked,
the solemn cast vanishing from her gaze as she did so.  "Until then,
I think I'll sleep in a bed with a Ranma.  It's nice and warm."

Very insightful, from her!

        She scampered off, while Shinobu shook her head, dabbing at
her eyes with the handkerchief and sniffling.  "It's sad," she said
quietly.  "I thought Kitsune-san would be...."  She hesitated for an
awkward moment, then turned about to look at Mutsumi and Naru.  "I
thought Kitsune-san would be better at ... love ... than anyone
else.  She always ... seemed to know more about it.  But she ...
didn't really understand Oe-san."

        "Or maybe she did, and tried anyway," Mutsumi suggested.
"Love isn't something to be good at, Shinobu-chan.  It's just
something you do."  She offered an enigmatic smile then, shaking her
head.  "But, worry about that later."

        "I ... suppose," Shinobu sighed, dropping her gaze.  "I
should make dinner," she finally said, rising to her feet, and
climbing into the passageway.  Mutsumi nodded thoughtfully, and
followed shortly behind, leaving Naru alone on the roof.

        Would something like that happen between her and Keitaro?
Fear gripped her heart, and she rocked backwards uncertainly, not
sure what to do....  But she had already decided.  And waiting would
only make it hurt worse if things _were_ to go bad, wouldn't it?

        ***

        Keitaro sat at his desk, wondering if he were slowly
becoming a fixture of his own room, much like the desk or futon.
Perhaps an accessory for the desk.  It seemed to him that he spent
far too much time crouched behind the thing studying, or just going
through the mountains of paperwork that developed when he didn't pay
attention to managing the inn.

        This time, he was not doing work or studying, however.
Instead, he was staring at a blank piece of paper.  He had a
journal, though he did his best to keep it hidden; no telling when
Suu or Mitsune might try to read through it.  But calligraphy was
one of those skills his parents had impressed into him as being
important when he was young.  He supposed he was decent at it, but
too often he let those skills decline in the interest of study.

I like this bit. Very inventive.

        Shaking his head, he dipped the tip of his brush into the
already prepared ink, and began to carefully paint a character.
Ideally, if he managed every stroke correctly, he would end up with
something suitable to be added to a scroll.  Perhaps he'd even
replace one of the outdated scrolls that concealed the secret
passages with his own carefully designed and brushed words of
wisdom.

Uh... This is Keitaro.

        "Yeah, right," he muttered, shaking his head and eyeing the
completed work thoughtfully.  The strokes were smooth, though the
ink was still wet.  Not quite with the elegant structure he had
hoped for, but still neat.  "Always follow your heart," he quoted
aloud.  Frowning, he considered adding his name to the writing, but
at the last moment decided instead to write down Seta's.  It was,
after all, the older man's advice to him.

        He held the scroll up, absorbed in studying the letters as a
slight chill wafted into his room, a soft breeze ruffling the extra
papers at his desk.  "But the question about it....  Is it good
advice?" he asked aloud, pressing the paper atop an already-hung
scroll, and considering the look of it carefully.  Could he replace
'early to bed, early to rise' with 'always follow your heart'?

Yes.

<snip>

         Keitaro stared at the door after it was closed, and sighed,
glaring at his calligraphy.  "Daydreams don't get me anywhere," he
chastised it, deciding not to hang it up after all.  But ... perhaps
he would keep it anyway.

Why does he think this is a daydream?

        ***

        Naru felt like she was practically floating on her walk back
towards her own room.  Not because she was in love; she wouldn't
give herself over to foolishness that easily!  No, the lightness she
felt was that relief of finally having a burden lifted from her
shoulders.  Finally, she knew.

And things just got more complicated.

        She rounded the stairs, and walked down the last stretch of
hallway before her door, then paused.  Haruka stood in the hallway,
bent over a railing and eyeing some small detail of the woodwork
critically.  "Haruka?" she asked.  "What's going on?"

        "Just checking the work here," the woman said in reply,
straightening up, and revealing the hammer in her hands.  "I got one
of those flashes of intuition ... thought I'd need a hammer around
here for something."  She shrugged, sticking the handle of the tool
through the waist-strap of her apron.  "Guess I was wrong."

        Naru blinked, looking at the hammer for a long minute.
"Actually," she said slowly, "I think I could use it."

        "What for?" Haruka asked, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"The point of that play was to pay for damages, you know.  I'm not
opposed to directing another, but...."

        Flushing, Naru shook her head quickly.  "I was just going to
use it to give a message to Keitaro," she assured Haruka.

        The woman's other eyebrow rose.  She looked between the
hammer and the floor of the inn, as though she could see through the
wood to where Keitaro was probably sitting.  "Well, the inn doesn't
fix itself, but it's not like he won't heal," she finally decided.
"Sure.  Just be sure to put it away when you're done, okay?"

        "Not a problem!" Naru said, smiling as she accepted the
hammer.  It held a surprising amount of weight, and had good heft.
She eyed it thoughtfully when she entered her room, sliding the door
shut behind her.  It would do.

        The spot on the floor where she used to keep her Liddo-kun
stuffed animal still held that honor, though now there was tatami
beneath the wooden platform.  Of course, that was because there was
a fixed floor beneath that ... but that would only slow things down
for a minute or so.

        She slid the Liddo-kun aside, and then shifted the tatami
out of the way, as well.  The slats used to replace the damaged wood
stood out faintly, a slightly lighter color.  It was the work of
only a few minutes to begin recreating the hole that had been there
once before.

        ***

        In his own room, Keitaro looked up, frowning at the creaking
and straining noises of the room overhead.  Naru usually made almost
no noise from her room, so he rose and stood beneath the center of
the disturbance, squinting, and staring at the ceiling above him.

        "That's funny," he murmured, just before the entire ceiling
above him appeared to wobble.  "Ack!  Earthquake!" he managed to get
out, before a hole was blasted out above him, showering him with
bits of shattered wood, a hammer, and Naru's sprawling form.

        The girl giggled in embarrassment, hiding the hammer behind
her back.  "Hey, Keitaro," she said softly.

        Dazed, confused, and having just been used as her impromptu
landing pad, Keitaro slowly smiled.  "Hey ... Naru."

I like this. As I said to you on IRC, I was afraid that too much would 
be resolved
here, especially with Ranma and Kitsune. And I'm very happy that you 
are prolonging
it. Even if that means I have to wait for more chapters. Well done.


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