So far they only helped as a door jam.

Door *stop*, I should think. Unless she's integrating them into the
carpentry of the room. (A door *jamb* is the vertical part of a door's
frame.)

     After putting down her pencil on the cramped desk, the
girl sighed and leaned back letting the tips of her two long
blond tails pool on the floor.  She turned her head towards

ponytails, unless you're implying she's a kitsune or something.

     A smile crept onto her face when she noticed her pink
bunny pattern curtains framing the glass.  She had been
meaning to get them replaced, but she couldn't bear to part
with a relic from her childhood.  Perhaps Reenie might
appreciate them better than she could.

If you MUST use the dub names, at least spell them right--it should be
"Rini".

one of these items brought to mind warm memories.  Then her
eyes roamed to the center of the shelf where something
sparkled and glimmered beckoning for her attention.

Couple of commas would be nice in that last sentence.

 Her fiancé had

Might wanna fix that...

'New Heroine "Sailor Moon" In Action!' one headline said.
'Sailor Moon Defeats Mysterious Creature,' said another.
Usually on every article graced the picture of a fair-haired

"on every article graced" is poor grammar; try cleaning this up.

     A black cat streaked through the door, hopped
gracefully onto her bed, and sat with the regal of royalty.

insert "air" after regal.

It stared at its master with its cool blue eyes and spoke

Errr...Luna's eyes are not blue, FYI...

     "Oh, Luna,�?� The girl nonchalantly reached out and

More garbage characters in need of fixing.

     The feline purred in appreciation of the attention
before being picked it up by its master and leveled a look.

"given a level look" would be more appropriate here.

     Leaning back in her chair, the girl shrugged.  "Then
I'll tell her I'm Sailor Moon, no big deal.  What's no
danger in her finding out.  I was going to tell her

"What's no danger" is also inappropriate grammar. Fix it.

     "Trust is a very particular thing, Serena."   Luna
interrupted and proceeded carefully.  "I can't trust that
you'll be to school on time, but I can always trust you're

you're --> your

     The cat paused once again before meeting her master's
eyes.  "It�?Ts because you have a good heart, Serena.  You

Yet another place you need to fix garbage characters.

     The blonde girl smiled and decided against bothering
her advisor with any more questions and get ready for bed.

Mind your verb tenses.

     Who could it be?  Could it be Raye?  No, why would she
be out at this time of night?  In fact, why would any of her
friends is pounding at her door this late without calling

Verb tenses...

     'Could it be him?  Maybe he got out early from Osaka,�?T
The thought of her fiancé sent her racing down the stairs
even faster, �?~knowing he'd be coming here to a virtually
empty house.'

Garbage characters to the left of me, garbage characters to the right of
me...

     'Very convenient,�?T unvirtuous fantasies danced through
Serena's mind

To say nothing of this sentence making NO SENSE WHATSOEVER...

     "Listen, Serena,�?� Luna lectured as her master hopped
over her, "I know you've missed Darien very much over the
last few weeks, but you really has no idea know who's at the
door."

Garbage characters, verb tenses, lather rinse repeat...

     "Calm down Luna," Serena rolled her eyes at the dark
feline while the pounding continued.  "Remember I am Sailor
Moon.  If I need to, I'll transform and zap em'.

Missing quote mark and misplaced apostrophe.

     Instead of Serena's tall, dark, and handsome prince, a
woman in filthy, gray military-type clothing badly in need
of tailoring leaned against the doorframe.  Upon seeing
Serena, the strange woman gasped and fell to her knees in
homage.

Wrong choice of word there. You want "deference".

     Slowly, the woman raised herself to her feet.  The
woman kept her red reamed eyes fixed on the floor and

"rimmed"...."reamed" is something else ENTIRELY and NOT the best mental
image right here. >_<

     Both cat and master glanced at each.

This sentence just filed a malpractice suit against you.

     "You are Usagi Tskuino, right?"

     "No, I'm Serena Tskuino."

Not to be confused with Usagi or Serena Tsukino, I take it?

     Reenie jumped back and stammered, "Uhhh, heh, I don't
know what you're talking about, heh."

Why are they bothering with the ignorance bit here? Anyone who knows about
Crystal Tokyo is obviously going to know who they are, so pretending is
pretty much pointless.

     Pluto stared down the trembling stranger.  The stranger
in turn focused on the red orb perched on Pluto's staff that
burned of crimson.

Unnecessary "of".

her leg, anxiously waiting for her to answer.  What Sailor
Moon would do?

Rearrange sentence for proper grammar, please.

     Immediately, Pluto replied sternly.  "Let me reiterate
myself, Sailor Moon

"Ew! Not in PUBLIC!"

     With a resigning sigh, Pluto caved in.  "As you wish,
my Queen.  But this Traveller will not be staying with you
she is too dangerous to be near you especially if her
enemies are looking for her.

Run-on sentence.

*snip remainder*

This was about as far as I could get in this before I completely lost
interest.

--------------------------------------
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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